


We Don't Need the Light

by mind_is_a_prison



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Abuse, Alcohol, Blood and Injury, Break Up, Child Abuse, Dadceit, Familial Darksides, Fights, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, POV Changes (between chapters), Past Rape/Non-con, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Profanity, QnA at end, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Sympathetic Anxiety | Virgil Sanders, Sympathetic Dark Creativity | Remus "The Duke" Sanders, Sympathetic Dark Sides (Sanders Sides), Sympathetic Deceit Sanders, Unhealthy Relationships, Unsympathetic Creativity | Roman "Princey" Sanders, Unsympathetic Morality | Patton Sanders
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-10
Updated: 2020-12-02
Packaged: 2021-03-01 01:29:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 25
Words: 147,943
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23097124
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mind_is_a_prison/pseuds/mind_is_a_prison
Summary: The Darkside was once a relatively predictable place. It was a dark, desolate section of the mindscape made up of treacherous, maze-like corridors that constantly shifted and changed. That was just the way it had always been. It was the home of the damned and the destitute, sides who were too ‘dark’ to make the cut and live in the light and warmth of the Lightside, left in the dark to die. That was just a fact of life. Deceit was the leader of the darksides, the father figure figment responsible for keeping them all safe. He was an immovable force meant to stand strong no matter the weight of his burdens.Deceit had grown accustomed to the inevitable predictability of life in the Darkside. However, everything changed the day he stumbled upon a young boy hiding in the inner veins of the Darkside, in need of rescuing and a place to call home. Deceit has never been one to trust freely, but he can’t help but see himself in this boy. They both have experienced intense trauma that has forever changed them. They both have scars and wounds that refuse to be buried in the past where they belong. And they both must face their issues head on and rely on others in order to overcome their trauma and heal their broken family.
Relationships: Future Relationships (To Be Revealed), Logic | Logan Sanders/Morality | Patton Sanders, Past Relationships (Try to guess)
Comments: 154
Kudos: 170





	1. Deceit

It was dark in the Darkside. This should have been obvious, given the name chosen for this particular section of the mind palace, but it still never failed to surprise me how often I saw shadows move out of the corner of my eye, only for them to vanish out of sight once I turned to look at them more closely, or how easy it was to accidentally run into a wall because it was impossible to see more than two feet in front of you. One might call it an occupational hazard, while another would say it was a way to spite us, but in spite of the difficulties of living in the Darkside, it was still home, and I wouldn’t trade it for the world. However, there were certainly things that I would change to make life easier. Was it so hard to have hallways that _weren’t_ filled to the brim with mist and fog?

Squinting ever so slightly, I held an arm out in front of me, feeling for a wall that I was almost certain was there, but all I touched was the cold mist that clung to my clothes and teased my hair. _Come on, I know I have to be reaching the end of the corridor by now. So… where is it?_ Sighing, I was about to give up when my fingers brushed the cold, familiar stones and I smiled, my fangs just slightly digging into my bottom lip. Keeping my hand to the wall, I took three paces to the left before pressing the stone down, causing the wall to crumble beneath my fingers in a manner similar to a controlled avalanche. Inside the gaping hole rested another corridor that led to another wing in the Darkside, no movement beside the settling of dust disturbing the infinite abyss. As I carefully stepped through the hole, I glanced back to watch the wall slowly start to rebuild itself, rolling my eyes at its unnecessary show of dramatics. There was no reason for the corridors to be so needlessly complicated and strange, but it was the Darkside, so there were going to be things that made no sense. It was just the way things were.

“Now, I just need to follow this hall, take a left and then two rights, go through another passageway to the Eastern wing, and…” I mumbled, my voice bouncing off the walls and ceiling in an echo that seemed to travel for hours ahead and behind me as I stood there, following the detailed map that was burned into my brain until I found my destination.

Even though I had roamed these halls for decades, I still hadn’t quite managed to memorize the layout of the accursed hellhole I called home. It wasn’t entirely my fault. The halls tended to shift and change without warning, leaving even the most intelligent and directionally skilled sides standing in the middle of the tangled maze of paths and scratching their heads in confusion and frustration. We all knew where our rooms were at any given moment, and the kitchen and bathroom never moved from their spot, but it was anyone’s guess where the other rooms and hallways went from one day to the next. The only side that had even managed to have a vague idea of the layout of the area was Anxiety, which wasn’t really surprising, considering how often he excused himself to ‘stretch his legs’, which I knew meant he was pacing the entirety of the Darkside with his fingers tangled in his hair as he struggled, and failed, to prevent himself from spiralling into a panic attack. I should know, especially considering I was the side who was usually responsible for helping him calm down after he gave up on trying to deal with everything on his own and came running back to me. _Stupid, idiotic Anxiety, thinking he could handle his all issues on his own. If only he wasn’t so needlessly stubborn, then most of his problems would be solved by now with minimal difficulty. Stupid, so incredibly stupid._

However, in spite of how dark and confusing the Darkside was, I happened to know the appearance of each room like the back of my hand. I knew whose room was whose based on the condition of the door alone, which were all made of the same dark oak wood and iron as every other. While that was useful in of itself, I could also tell exactly where a side was at any given time. It was the blessing and curse of being the main darkside, and the most powerful one at that, which was something I didn’t exactly advertise. It wasn’t that I didn’t trust the others or anything like that. That was stupid and unreasonable. I just didn’t want them to treat me like I was something special when I wasn’t.

It was constantly on my mind, always wondering if they could tell, if they knew something that I didn’t, if they were catching on to the truth. But then again, none of the other sides had ever questioned how I always knew where they were when they needed me, even if it was completely impossible for me to be there in the first place. It was simply something that had come to be accepted as a part of life, as many things before it had been in this strange place we called home. The darksides weren’t a particularly curious group, and if things were working the way they were, we weren’t bound to change anything or question it. We just let it be, and that was one of the things I enjoyed most about my companions.

So as I strolled down the hallway, taking a turn every now and then and stopping every few paces to make sure I was going the right way, I felt fairly confident and satisfied with how my day was going. I had already spent a better part of the morning with Jealousy, making sure he had eaten and keeping him company while he rested. Then I had made lunch for Anxiety, who, in true form, barely ate any of it and fed the remains to his spider. After that, it had been an afternoon and evening of reading, writing, and planning, all of which were things I excelled at, of course. It had been quite productive, and everything had gone according to plan, which was strange in of itself. However, I wasn’t going to question it. The moment you questioned it, your luck took a nice little nosedive off a cliff, and I was in need of a good day. Especially after my nightmare from last night… but it didn’t matter, not really. It was going to be a good day. I only had a few more hours of daylight left, not that you could tell from the suffocating darkness surrounding our humble abode, and I wasn’t going to let it go to waste. I had time to check in with Jealousy once more and make sure he ate dinner before visiting Hatred and heading back to my room for bed. With that plan in mind, I breathed in deeply and smiled as I continued forward, humming along to the music playing in my mind.

If there was one thing I never did, it was forget something important, so incredibly important that it could be considered life threatening if I forgot. Every bit of information that I came across was filed into two folders, one being information to be recorded and remembered for years to come, and another that was useless information that would be no benefit of mine to recall in the slightest. That was how I remembered the general layout of the Darkside, and how I knew what the sides’ favorite foods were. It was how I knew when I was needed to perform my duties and when I was able to relax and be me, not the vile, villainous part I was meant to play. It was also how I knew every single darkside that inhabited our miserable landscape, and knew them down to the smallest detail, such as a spatter of freckles across one’s cheeks, or the way one’s hair fell in one’s eyes while one talked, or how one’s clothes were always stained with ink in the strangest places, making me wonder what on earth one got up to when one was alone. And due to this fact, when I came across the incredibly small and fragile form of a boy in the dark, mist-filled hallways of the Darkside, I was, understandably, surprised and confused.

_What… what the actual fuck?_

Of all the darksides inhabiting our cesspit of agony and despair, we had never had any children living here before, that I knew for sure. The only time there had ever been children here was when we were all children, and back then, there hadn’t even been a Darkside. It had all just been one collective mind palace, with no division between the two sides. Not that _that_ had lasted long, though. But nevertheless, even the youngest of our group was a teenager, leaving me even more confused about the form sprawled out on the floor below me.

The boy was, as previously mentioned, incredibly small. I couldn’t imagine he was any older than seven or eight by the looks of him. He was also extremely pale, as was a common trait of many darksides that I had noticed, with myself being the only exception. His hair was the same brown that all sides had, but there was a grey streak running through the rich locks that rested against his forehead. This caught me off-guard, as I had never seen another side with this characteristic, and that in of itself might be concerning or fascinating, depending on the circumstance behind it. His hair was also strangely messy and a little curly, something that I hadn’t really seen on any other side either. Even in the dark, I could see his eyes flash a rich emerald green that seemed to flicker like fire as his gaze darted around the room. I was certain that anyone could get lost in eyes like that, ones that seemed to dance and spark as you drank them in. I couldn’t make out his outfit in the black abyss that surrounded us, but that thought didn’t linger long in my head once I saw the flash of something silver in the dim light of the stars on the ceiling, followed by a hissed whimper that immediately caught me off guard.

A seed of something twisted and bitter gathered in my stomach, making me feel dizzy and ill. It was the type of feeling that had no reason to exist inside me, not now or ever, but it did nevertheless, and the fact that it had manifested in the first place told me all that I needed to know. _Something is terribly wrong here._

“H-hello…? Are… are you… okay?” I asked hesitantly.

No answer.

The feeling was growing stronger now, like a great oak tree had sprouted from the tiny seed of fear planted in my stomach. I would have been tempted to run or back away based on that feeling alone, if not for the quiet, choking sob that echoed out in the darkness of the corridor, filling my ears and keeping me rooted in place. My mind felt like it was moving in slow motion, and I could nearly imagine the cogs whirring in my head as I gazed at the small form, which was so dimly illuminated that I couldn’t tell much of anything. _I need…… I need a light,_ I thought dumbly before the answer hit me like a slap in the face.

Reaching my hand up to the sky, I felt my eye flash a bright yellow for a moment before I felt one of the stars fall from the ceiling and rest gently in my palm, illuminating the room with its glorious brightness and warmth. That warmth was quickly sucked out of the room once my eyes registered the situation before me. _O-oh God. Fuck. What… what the hell?_

The boy was sitting on the cold concrete ground of the hallway, his back pressed against the wall as if it was the only thing holding him upright. I was almost certain that it was, at this point, and that terrified me. His eyes were glazed over, filled with pain and sorrow that took my breath away at the sight. He looked like a corpse, like a broken, battered doll that had been thrown against the wall, and the image made bile rise to my throat as it flickered in my mind. Surrounding the boy on all sides were splatters of blood, not entirely unusual for the Darkside, but the slits that marred his wrists and the razor glimmering in his hand was all the evidence I needed to say that this was not one of the other sides’ ideas of interior decorating.

The boy’s hand twitched as he raised the razor, attempting to add to the collection of wounds running from his inner elbows to his wrists. _Shit! Shit! Shit!_ Scrambling, I dived towards him and quickly pried the blade from his fingers before he could do any more damage. He didn’t even put up much of a fight, instead letting go with minimal blood and gore, which was almost worse. At least if he had fought back, I would know that he was still capable of it, but he was pale, so pale, and there was so much blood. _God, there’s so much blood. Oh God, oh God. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. I don’t know what to do. God, I’m so fucking useless. Think, Dee, think. You can’t just let him die. You have to… you have to save him. You have to move...…. You have to move… now!_

There was only a split second of hesitation before I scooped the boy into my arms and sprinted down the hallway, making a left turn here, and right turn there, until I finally arrived at my room. Throwing the door open, I deposited the boy on my bed as gently as I could and ran to the bathroom, where I grabbed a towel and soaked it in warm water, disinfectant, bandages, cotton, and any other materials I could possibly need. Returning to my room, I knelt next to the boy and began washing and disinfecting his arms. He didn’t flinch once, even after I coated his wrists in a healthy layer of disinfectant, which I knew from experience stung horribly. My heart, which was already pounding so fast that I could scarcely breathe, contracted painfully, and I found myself gently reaching up to cup the boy’s cheek on instinct. He flinched away only slightly, but the fear in his eyes felt like a knife twisting in my heart. _What the hell did this boy go through? And who the hell hurt him bad enough for a seven year old to do this?!_

As I bandaged his arms, I couldn’t help but notice the layers and layers of scars that criss crossed across the inner portion of his arm, the raised lines dark against his pale skin. There must have been years worth of scars on his tiny, delicate limbs, and it made me feel sick just looking at them. _God, what happened to him? I can’t… just… God._

After the boy’s wounds had been addressed, I took a step back and took a deep breath. My heart was still pounding fast and as I looked at the bloodstained towel I still felt nauseous, but I was starting to calm down a little bit. The boy was strangely quiet, but before I addressed that, I needed to take care of an issue that had been plaguing my mind ever since I first saw the strange pale form in the hallway. _If I’ve never seen this boy before, that can only mean two things. Either, he is a nearly formed darkside, or……_ I felt my stomach clench, crushing the thought before it could surface. I didn’t want to think about that right now. Not until I knew the truth. Reaching out with my mind, I summoned one of my snakes from its hiding place, watching with a smile as it cautiously peeked its head out from the darkness. Its tongue flicked in and out and I knew it smelled the boy sitting on my bed, a stranger in its safe place, but the snake still found the courage to slither over to me. I bent down and gently picked it up, cradling the snake in my arms with care. 

Stroking its head, I murmured, “I need you to find Anxiety and give him a message for me. Can you do that?”

The snake seemed to nod, and I felt a smile grace my lips, if only for a moment.

“Let Anxiety know about the boy and his surprise arrival, as well as his injuries, and ask him if he can look in on the lightsides for me and figure out if there is something going on to cause these recent events. Please and thank you, my dear pet,” I murmured softly.

Setting the snake down, I watched it trail off into the darkness, knowing that I would have ease of mind while it took care of other matters for me. For a moment, I stood there and stared at the empty spot where my cold-blooded pet once was, my vision getting blurry from the effort it took to keep my mind off of the thoughts and fears that crowded inside my head, threatening to grow so large that my head would implode on itself. Shaking my head, I silently scolded myself. _Wake up Dee! The boy needs you. Get a grip._

Speaking of the boy, I glanced his way to find him shivering and trembling from more than just the cold, his eyes glazed over and pallor paler than the sheets. _Shit! I should have known that he was in shock. I’m such an idiot!_ I quickly grabbed a blanket and draped it over his shoulders before walking to the kitchen and grabbing a cup of water for him to drink. Sitting on the bed next to him, I set the water on the nightstand and turned to face the child next to me. He didn’t acknowledge my presence, nor did he seem to notice my concerned stare, for that matter. _Is… is he too far gone? Is there something I can do to help? God, I’m so useless! What do I do? How do I help him? I just need to think..._

Fingers trembling slightly, I hesitantly placed a hand on the boy’s shoulders and turned him ever so slightly to face me. He didn’t flinch or move away, so I gently pulled him into a loose embrace, giving him room to pull away if he was uncomfortable. The boy’s body was stiff against mine for a moment, but within seconds he melted into the embrace, his own arms circling my waist and holding on tight. He began to tremble violently, and for a moment I panicked and thought that I had done something horribly wrong, but then I realized that he was crying. My heart went out to the boy, who was so small and young and scared, and I hugged him tighter, brushing his hair out of his eyes and rubbing slow circles into his back. He sobbed breathlessly into my shirt, clinging to me as if I was a life preserver that was keeping him afloat, the only safe place he had left in a world that seemed out to get him at every turn. I felt my mind try to travel to a time long ago, but I bit my lip and forced myself to focus on the feel of the boy’s hair tangled between my fingers and his tears soaking my shirt. Anything but memories of years past, back when everything changed forever.

I wasn’t sure how long we sat there, the boy and I cuddled together on my bed as he cried and I whispered warm words of comfort. I had never been that good at making people feel at ease and safe, but the boy seemed comforted by my presence for some reason. I wasn’t sure why. There were so many other sides who could have done a much better job. But he never once pulled away or said anything about my panicked stuttering, so we just remained as we were for the time being. Once his tears had slowed and his breathing relaxed into a more even pace, I sat back against the headboard of my bed and placed a pillow in my lap. The boy curled up against me and I ran my fingers through his hair and continued to assure him that everything would be alright, that I was there for him and he would never be alone again.

“Please, get some rest. You’ll feel better after a good night’s sleep. Don’t worry about anything else right now. What’s important is that you rest and recover. Everything else can wait until tomorrow. You’re safe here. I promise I won’t leave your side,” I murmured, my fingers brushing the last of his tears from his cheeks.

The boy’s eyes, which had been closed, flickered up to me for a second and a sleepy smile graced his lips as he mumbled, “Thanks, pops.” His eyelids grew heavy and within seconds he was fast asleep, leaving me to stare at him in wonder and joy.

I placed a hand to my chest, feeling my heart grow warm and full of…. well, I wasn’t sure. Something. Something sweet and light and beautiful filled my heart at those words, and I couldn’t quite identify it, but it made me so… happy. Those words, which he probably wouldn’t even remember saying when morning came, felt like a precious gift, and I wasn’t sure why. It didn’t matter though, because I knew what he had said, and I wasn’t ashamed to say that those two words, which were so simple and worthless to most, filled me with joy and love for the small boy curled up in my lap. A boy, whose name I didn’t even know, had already won my heart, and I wasn’t sure if that was a good thing or not. I was happy, but a pang in my gut told me that something was coming, something dark, and dangerous, and cold. But in that moment, I couldn’t find the energy to care. All that mattered was the boy curled up next to me and the warmth in my heart and all the possibilities that could come in the not so distant future.

Closing my eyes, I sang a soft lullaby for the boy, watching as all the tension left his face and a peaceful smile curled at his lips. I sang until my own mind was overtaken by sleep and I could no longer bear to keep my head up, then I leaned back against the wall and I allowed myself to become lost in a world of dreams of a brand new, exciting, beautiful future that could be waiting just around the corner, as long as luck remained on my side. I just had to be patient, hold onto my hope, and keep moving forward, and I could get there one day. I had to, because even though I had only known the boy for a few hours, I had already fallen helplessly in love with him. And even if I refused to admit it, in the deepest, darkest recesses of my heart, I was already calling him my son.


	2. Anxiety

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Darkside was once a relatively predictable place, until Deceit finds Remus in the long, treacherous, maze-like corridors that make up the inner veins of the Darkside, in need of rescuing and a place to call home. Although originally wary, Remus is quick to warm up to Deceit, Anxiety, and the other darksides and they soon form an unlikely, strange, and slightly unstable family.
> 
> As time passes, it becomes increasingly clear that both Remus and Deceit have traumas and scars that refuse to stay buried in the past where they belong, and both must face their issues head on and rely on each other, as well as the other sides, in order to overcome these traumas, move on and look to the future, and heal their broken family.

Wiping the sweat from my eyes, I blinked rapidly to clear my vision before adding one final brush stroke to my masterpiece. Taking a step back, I pulled the face mask down so I could breathe easier and admire the sight of my latest painting, a small figure crouched in the corner of a room with a shadow creature looming over it, its needle-sharp claws about to sink into the tiny person’s soft, vulnerable flesh. It was a black and white painting, like most of my pieces, but the lights and shadows created so much depth to it that from a distance it almost looked like I could just step right into it. I managed a crooked smile before setting the brush aside and running a hand through my messy, sweaty hair. _God, why is it so fucking hot in here? Where am I, Hell? I chuckled darkly to myself. I might not be in hell, but I’m not far from it. The Darkside isn’t exactly Heaven, either._

I walked over to a panel of switches and flicked on the switch for the ceiling fan, figuring that the painting would dry faster, and in the very least, it would help get rid of the paint fumes, which were already beginning to give me a headache. Flopping down on my bed, I took a deep breath and gazed up at the ceiling, my eyes brushing across the images painted there without registering what any of them were. My foot was already beginning to tap an anxious rhythm against the ground after lying down for only a moment, so I quickly stood and began pacing around the room. Taking deep breaths, I tried to do the counting trick Dee taught me a while back, but my anxiety was unusually high today, and it didn’t help calm my mind, which was going a mile a minute.

_Maybe I should go visit Dee,_ I thought absently, picking up the fidget cube that was always on my desk and playing with it as I paced. _It’s been a while since we’ve had a good talk, and I could really use a distraction right now. He’s always been able to calm me down in the past, and I doubt he’d mind the company. He’s probably bored out of his mind by now. Tuesdays are usually pretty boring, and… I’m rambling again. God, I need to do something, or else I might go insane. …Or have a panic attack._

I frowned. It had been so long since my last attack, and I was doing so well. What made me so certain that I was on the verge of one now? And why? I could feel my anxiety rising higher by the second. All the questions swirling around in my head were beginning to get overwhelming, and I just wanted everything to stop.

I tossed the fidget cube back on my desk and leaned against the wall, breathing out a long, slow sigh. Sinking to the floor, I did a few breathing exercises to try and calm down my heartbeat, which was strangely elevated. Painting usually calms me down. _Why am I so… anxious? I didn’t know. I didn’t know and I hated it. I hated not knowing what was wrong, because then I didn’t know how to fix things. If I knew how to fix things, at least then I would have something to do, even if I failed to make things better. At least then I would know what the fuck is wrong with me._

Closing my eyes, I rested my head against the wall and sat there with my thoughts for a few moments, trying to think of something to do that would help me cope with all the nervous energy building up inside. Growling, I clenched and unclenched my hands before I heard something that I hadn’t heard in a long time. Hissing.

My eyes snapped open so fast it took a moment for the rest of me to catch up.

“Veritas? Is that you?” I asked, my gaze darting around the room before landing on a small, black and yellow snake curled up on the ratty grey carpet.

“There you are. Deceit sent you, right? What does he want?”

Veritas slithered over to me, and I picked him up carefully, setting him down on my shoulders so I could hear him better. He made himself nice and comfortable, his scaly body cirlcing my neck once, twice before tilting his little head towards my ear and hissing out a message.

_“Thisss evening, master found a boy in the corridorss of the Darkside. When he found him, he was injured and sssscared, so master took him in and fixed him up. He believessss that the boy came from the Lightsside. Master wantsss you to ssssspy on the lightsidess and see if sssomething is amissss.”_

I blinked in surprise, taking a moment to comprehend what I had just been told. “Deceit… found a boy in the Darkside? As in… a kid? Are you sure?”

_“Yessss. I ssaw the boy for myssself,”_ Veritas replied.

My brow furrowed as I thought it through out loud. “Ooookay…… Well, if I dress in dark clothes and stay in the shadows of the Darkside, they shouldn’t see me watching them. I just have to hope they’re in the living room, or else I might be waiting there for a while,” I mumbled to myself, Veritas watching me carefully with his glowing golden eyes. “Either way, it gives me something to do. I was looking for a distraction anyways, and I have to admit, having a boy in the Darkside…? It’s… strange. Unnatural. I want to get to the bottom of this as much as Dee does.”

I turned to the snake, my eyes glowing a vibrant purple. “Tell Dee I’m on it.”

After changing into a black hoodie and dark wash jeans, I found myself racing along the twisted corridors of the Darkside, my hair falling over my eyes as I forced myself to move faster. The fog hung thick in the air, coating my lungs in the damp chill and nearly obliterating the dim light coming from the star-studded ceiling, but I wasn’t concerned. I knew these halls like the back of my hand, and it was easy to find the Lightside if you knew what you were looking for. Or more accurately, what you were smelling for. The Lightside always smelled like freshly baked cookies and some sort of flower that I couldn’t identify, but automatically disliked based on principle alone. I had passed by enough times to know how to avoid that area of the Darkside altogether, but it appeared that fate had a different plan in store for me today, and I could help but feel both apprehensive and excited at the same time. After all the times Dee had warned me against the lightsides I was finally going to see them in person, and I wasn’t sure what to expect. Based on his description alone, I wasn’t exactly thrilled to be doing this, but if Deceit was willing to send Veritas to deliver this message, it must’ve been pretty important to him, so I did as I was told.

Soon enough, I saw a bright, blinding light up ahead and the fog slowly dissipated from the air the closer I got to the Lightside. The border between the two sides was simple, not elaborate or complicated. There was a long grey hallway connecting the two, with no barricade or blockade to keep either side separated. We didn’t need it. We had no interest in entering the light and the lightsides were more likely to kill each other than enter the Darkside, so there wasn’t a need to make a big deal over the border. We kept to our own sides and as such, there was a rather stable peace between the two sides. _A peace that wasn’t going to last long if I get caught,_ my mind helpfully supplied, and I winced cursing my nerves for their terrible timing. I sucked in a deep breath and kept going. There was no turning back now.

The grey corridor was long and dark, but the starry ceiling was much brighter here than back at home, so it wasn’t unbearably dark. The very air felt different, though. Not warm, to be exact, but some sort of lukewarm feeling that I imagined was in between the bitter chill of the dark and the suffocating warmth of the light. I had a feeling that a lot about this corridor was like that, a happy medium to two extremes. It made me wonder if the whole mind palace had been something similar once upon a time, before the split occurred. I hadn’t gotten the courage to ask Dee about it yet, with how he had nearly bitten my head off at my last question about that time period in Thomas’s life, but I figured that I could perhaps try again. It wouldn’t hurt to see what I could pry from him. He wouldn’t do anything to hurt me if I upset him, after all.

Taking another deep breath, I prepared myself for a sight I thought I would never see, the lightsides. At that thought, my nerves skyrocketed and I bit back a curse. _Oh, c’mon Anx. It’s just… one foot after the other. Nothing to be afraid of. Not at all…_ Biting the inside of my lip, I crept towards the end of the hallway, keeping an ear out for the lights, and soon I heard their voices echoing down the long, narrow hallway, apparently coming from the living room. _Thank God. Now I don’t have to wait forever in this corridor like a creeper or some shit until they get here._

Peeking out from around the corridor, I watched the scene before me with unabashed curiosity and intrigue. After all, it wasn’t every day I got to see the lightsides in person.

One of the sides was sitting on the recliner, a novel resting in his lap and his glasses pushed up on his head so he could rub his eyes wearily. He looked tired and slightly disturbed, as if something were troubling him to such a degree that he couldn’t take his mind off of it. When he removed his hands from his eyes, I saw that they were a royal blue in color and were flashing with a mix of worry, disappointment, and even a touch of… fear? _What is he afraid of?_ I wondered absently before my attention was drawn to another.

This side was small, a child of about seven or eight if I had to guess, and extremely energetic. He was running around the room as if he had drank five energy drinks _and_ a coffee with a double shot of espresso. At this point, all I could make out from him was that he was wearing red and had some sort of weapon in his hands. I was pretty sure it was a sword, but I couldn’t quite confirm or deny with how wildly he was waving it around, fighting hordes of invisible enemies single-handedly, apparently.

A ruckus erupted from the kitchen, the beep of some sort of alarm, something being removed from the oven and placed on the countertop to cool, and the oven door slamming closed if I had to guess. I wondered briefly what a lightside family dinner might look like, what they ate, how they behaved. It was probably very different from a family dinner at home, I’d wager. From what I’d observed, most family dinners didn’t involve corpses scattered across the room and blood spatters on the walls.

I watched as a blue-clad side walked into the living room, pink oven mitts still covering his hands and a white apron tied around his waist. One of my first thoughts upon seeing the side was that he seemed very fatherly, the type that one would bake you cookies when you’re sad and dance with you around the living room while you stood on his feet, and in my chest I felt a slight prickle of yearning. I wanted that picture perfect family that was standing before me to be my own, like a glorious mirage in the middle of a dessert. For a moment, I wasn’t sure if this was real or not, and I didn’t care. My feet moved a few steps closer, my toes brushing the edge of the border between this world and mine, and I was seconds away from stepping out into the light, anxiety and caution be damned. I bit my tongue as hard as I could, snapping out of the strange trance that had captured me for a moment, before taking a few steps back and glancing back at the side with the light blue eyes and bright smile on his face. By the way the child paused in his running and the other looked up at him quickly, as if awaiting orders, I was able to come to the conclusion that this must be the leader of the lightsides. _Hello, Patton._

The seated side, who I had decided to refer to as ‘Teacher’ for the time being, quickly got to his feet and approached Patton, whose smile had gotten a bit more… forced as Teacher stood before him. The kid, who I now realized was wearing a prince crown and was indeed wielding a sword, watched the two with wide eyes, as did I. I felt almost tempted to hold my breath for some reason, although I couldn’t have said why. The atmosphere in the room was just so… tense, and it made me want to lean in and make sure I didn’t miss a single word. _I have never been so confused but intrigued in my entire life._

“Patton, shouldn’t start looking for him? It’s been a few hours and he hasn’t returned,” Teacher said worriedly, adjusting his tie as he spoke. _A nervous habit,_ I noted.

Patton shook his head, a smile still firmly pasted on his face. “Oh Logan, you worry too much. I’m sure he’s fine.”

“But Patton, he’s a child. And he ran into the Darkside. Who knows what horrors await him in that…” Teacher, or rather, Logan trailed off, his gaze turning towards the grey corridor, which I quickly ducked behind to avoid notice.

“Dinner should be cool in a few minutes. Roman, could you please set the table for me?” Patton asked, and the little boy’s head bobbed as he quickly rushed out of the room.

“This is serious, Patton. He’s been gone for hours, surrounded by whatever hellish beasts live in the Darkside, without any idea how to defend himself. He could get himself hurt or worse,” Logan insisted.

The other side sighed, taking off the oven mitts as he spoke. “Can’t we worry about this after dinner? The food will be ready to eat any minute now, and it wouldn’t do to let good food go to waste.”

“But what about-”

Patton’s eyes flashed light blue for a second. “I said it can wait until after dinner, Logan.”

The dark blue side flinched at the other’s tone, and he seemed like he was seconds from objecting again, but instead he sighed. “Whatever you say, Morality.”

Logan pushed past Patton and walked into the dining room, the other side looking after him with an odd expression on his face. It appeared to be part irritation, part amusement, and he clicked his tongue before joining the other two in the kitchen, where the food no doubt awaited.

_What a strange interaction,_ I mused. _But now what? They’re going to be in the kitchen for a while, and I have no idea if they’re going to continue their conversation there. I wouldn’t be able to hear them if they did, and that could cause me to miss some really important information. At the same time, if I go into the Lightside, I have no idea what might happen. Am I even able to enter their area? Will my face melt into jelly and my organs turn to ash? Will I burn with Heavenly fire if I enter this sacred place, a place meant to those who are light, and good, and pure? Or will I turn into a lightside too, forever trapped in an entirely new world where I don’t belong, but that I can’t escape from even if I wanted to?_

Shifting from one foot to another, I spent a moment of deliberation over the best course of action before deciding to take the risk. There wasn’t that much to lose, and I sincerely doubted that anything _that_ bad would happen. After all, this was the Lightside. It was the good side where good things happened. There shouldn’t be any danger to begin with.

Stepping into the lightsides’ living room, I tensed as I felt a shift in the atmosphere from the hallway to there, almost as if the brisk chill had been completely sucked out of the room, leaving only light and warmth. It might have seemed pleasant to most, but I found myself put on edge by the cheerful demeanor of the room, and I couldn’t wait to return to the Darkside, which was damp and chilly and dark, but it was home. _Wait, did that thought really come to my mind? Since when have I ever considered the Darkside home? I hate that place… or at least, I thought I did._ But I found that the more I thought about it, the more my words felt wrong. They were harsh and forced, as if I was trying to convince myself that I didn’t have a home, but the truth refused to remain buried. The Darkside was my home, and I wouldn’t trade it for the world.

Standing near the doorway to the kitchen, I hid in the shadows the best I could and watched the sides as they ate, hoping to hear even more of their conversation from before. Patton sat at the head of the table, with Logan to one side and Roman to the other. Logan was quiet and reserved, barely looking up from his plate, and beneath the table I could see his foot tapping anxiously. _He must be really worried about whoever he was talking about. Perhaps it's the same boy that Dee found in the corridor. That would make sense, I suppose. I mean, how many kids can there be in the mind palace anyway?_

Roman was eating with the fervor of a war hero returning home after years of only eating bread and dried meat, all the while regaling the other two sides with stories of his latest adventures. I wasn’t sure how much of his stories were true and how much of them were fiction, especially when I saw him snap his fingers and his crown and sword disappeared, but I didn’t really care enough to find out either way. _He must be Creativity, then,_ I thought with a slight smirk, Roman’s outfit changing from a decorated prince to a boy in a t-shirt and shorts in seconds. I watched as Patton laughed along with the little prince as he told his tales, the boy’s face streaked with marinara sauce and flushed pride at being the center of attention, but something about the stiffness in the fatherly side’s jaw told me that he wasn’t nearly as amused as he was pretending to be. There was something going on. I just wasn’t sure what yet.

“Roman, after dinner Patton and I are going to look for your brother, okay? You’re going to have to stay here and stay out of trouble until we get back,” Logan told him in a quiet voice. Patton went still and Roman turned to the teacher-like side with a strange look on his face.

“Why?” he asked.

“Because it’s much too dangerous for you to go-” Logan began.

“No, why are you looking for my brother?” Roman interrupted.

“W-what do you mean? We have to go look for him. He’s alone in the Darkside. It’s dangerous in there, and he could get hurt or worse. Why wouldn’t we look for him?”

“‘Cause he belongs there. Papá said so himself. We’re finally rid of him, after all this time of putting up with his crap. Why would we want him back?”

I felt my stomach drop and Logan visibly flinched at Roman’s dismissive words. _What… what the hell? Why would he say that, and about his own brother? I’m so confused. And Logan looks just as surprised. This can’t be normal. What the heck is going on?_

“But Roman, he’s your brother. We don’t want him to get hurt or killed in the Darkside.”

“Why not? It would be better if he just died and saved us the trouble. All he ever did was hurt Thomas. Why would we want him around?” Roman’s face twisted into a grimace, “And don’t call him my brother. He’s no family of mine. He’s a freak, a monster! I don’t want anything to do with him. He never loved me, and I certainly don’t love him. If he even cared the slightest bit for us, he would have killed himself by now so we wouldn’t have to put up with him and his crap.”

It felt like a punch to the gut, hearing those words, and from a child no less. I watched with wide eyes as Logan choked on his pasta, his face pale and eyes wider than the plates sitting before him. Patton watched the two of them with a carefully sculpted expression of neutrality. In spite of his apparent distance from the situation, I couldn’t help but notice the corner of his lips were upturned in a slight smirk, and anger burned in my chest. _You sadistic, fucked up son of a bitch. What have you been teaching this kid? This is all you, isn’t it? You trained him to be your loyal little lapdog who parrots every single thing you say and refuse to let him think for himself. I hope you’re real proud of yourself, bastard._

Once Logan overcame his coughing fit, he stared at Roman in shock, his mouth gaping open without any words coming out. He seemed completely at a loss, and I couldn’t blame him. What could you say to that? What could make that situation any easier to understand? “R-Roman, you can’t… why would you…? Patton, help me out here,” he begged.

The lightsides’ leader sat quietly and looked between the two of them for a moment before speaking. “Roman, is that how you really feel?”

There was no hesitation in his voice as he replied, “Of course. I hate my brother. I hate him with all my being. He deserves to get lost in the Darkside forever and die. We should just leave him there. It’s where he belongs, after all.”

“Logan, what do you believe we should do?” Patton asked.

“Are you kidding? We go after him of course! He may be a darkside, but he’s still just a scared, lost little kid who loves us and counts on us to love and protect him. We can’t just abandon him and pretend nothing ever happened!”

Patton thought for a moment before replying. “I believe… that Roman is right.”

“W-what?!” Logan sputtered.

Like it or not, the boy’s a darkside. We’ve avoided the fact long enough, and it’s about time that we acknowledge the truth. He doesn’t belong here, and it’s better if he’s with his own kind. He left of his own violation and as such, we should respect his wishes and let him be. He is the darksides’ responsibility now, and that’s the end of it.”

“But Patton, what if he ends up starving, or injured, or killed? The darksides have no idea that he even exists. What if they don’t find him in time? We can’t just leave him alone!” Logan protested.

“If you’re that concerned about it, Logan, then I’ll be sure to let Deceit know about the situation. But for now, can we just finish our dinner in peace?”

“But-” Logan began.

“I _said,_ that’s the end of it, Logic. No if’s, and’s or but’s,” Patton snapped, his eyes flashing again.

At that, the very air became heavy and almost suffocating, the sides going silent and still in an instant as all eyes returned to their food without another word. Taking that as a sign that it was time to leave, I backed away as quietly as I could, glancing towards the warm, inviting atmosphere of the Lightside, which now seemed a lot colder and a lot less inviting, and stepped into the grey corridor. I walked back towards the Darkside, towards my home and family that awaited me, without a word that suggested I had been there to begin with. If I had gained anything from spying on the lightsides, it was the knowledge that while they might have seemed a lot nicer from a distance, they were nothing compared to the people waiting for me back home. The darksides were insane, and twisted, and perhaps even the slightest bit evil, but they were real. They never once said something they didn’t mean, and they didn’t try to passive aggressively control and order you around. If they had a problem with you, they told you upfront. If they wanted you to do something, they said, ‘Hey dumbass, do this’ and you did it, and that was the end of it. The darksides weren’t necessarily the warmest, friendliest people in the world, but they were my family, and I loved them anyway.

As I slipped back into the Darkside and began the walk to Deceit’s room, where I knew he would be waiting for me, I felt a grim smile twist at my lips at the thought of how Dee would react to all this new information. After he heard what the lights had done to the boy, I was certain he would tear them to pieces with his bare hands, and the image alone was enough to cheer me up. 

My mood turned sour again as I thought about the boy and what he must have been through. From the sounds of it, he had most certainly been abused by his brother, and I had a feeling Patton had been an active participant as well, and it made me want to strangle both of them and feed them to Cessabit, slowly. No one should have had to go through what the boy must have gone through, and to be injured along with everything made the situation even worse. I winced, wondering how bad his injuries were. Veritas hadn’t gone into detail, but I had a feeling it was bad if Deceit wanted me to go into the Lightside to spy on them. 

Either way, I had a feeling our newest darkside was going to be pretty mentally scarred from everything he had been through lately. He was going to need help and support, and while this morning the thought would have made me exhausted and even more anxious than I already was, in this moment, I felt happy. Happy, because I was going to have someone to help and take care of. I was going to have a younger side to spend time with and teach all that I knew. It would be like having a little brother, in a way. I couldn’t help the small smile on my face at the thought, and I would be lying if there wasn’t a slight skip in my step as I made my way down the dark, twisted corridors of the Darkside, my mind full to the brim with thoughts of all the things I would be able to do with the boy, feeling the calmest and most alert that I had in a long, long time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! I'm glad you're still with me. I hope you enjoyed this chapter, and just know that more are on their way. I'm publishing these chapters as I write, so please be patient with me and keep in mind that the quality might not be up to par all the time. I'm trying to keep the quality of writing and the length of chapters relatively consistent, but I have school and other stressful activities going on right now, so it's a going to be a little difficult to manage everything at once. Please just be patient and know that I will write this book until the story is told, I just need time. Thank you for reading and I hope you enjoy the chapters to come!  
> ~Your Fellow Fander


	3. Deceit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Who's ready for a feels-trip? In all honesty, this chapter isn't that bad. Just... be prepared, because the next chapter's gonna be a bit of a... well, let's just say that I'm going to have a whole lot of fun writing it. Enjoy!

I woke to the sound of a knock on my door. Before I could even manage to get my thoughts together to say “Come in”, Anxiety barged into the room, closing the door behind him with surprising gentleness as he walked to my bedside. Blinking groggily, I sat up straighter, doing my best not to disturb the boy still fast asleep on my lap. Taking a deep breath and clearing my mind, I turned to Anxiety.

He looked nervous, which was not surprising, given his main trait, but he also looked furious, which was a bit concerning. His eyes were flashing bright purple in the dark of the room and his hands were clenched into fists at his sides, as if he was barely keeping himself from punching a hole in the wall. Anxiety’s mouth was twisted into a sort of grimace, somewhere between pain and pity, which told me everything I needed to know. _Something is terribly wrong._ Whatever he had witnessed in the Lightside must have been horrible to bother him this much. Anxiety wasn’t one to overreact when it came to most things, fear being the only exception.

“Was it bad?” I asked quietly, my eyes flickering to the boy, who didn’t so much as stir.

Anxiety shuttered, wrapping his arms around his stomach. “It was horrible. God, I can’t believe I ever thought that the lightsides were- ugh.”

I placed a comforting hand on his shoulder, which he didn’t push away, to my surprise. He wasn’t exactly the most touchy-feely side out there. “I’m sorry you had to witness that, Anx. I know it must have been hard on you.”

He shook his head. “I’m glad I did. I needed to see that. Before today, if the lightsides had ever welcomed me into their home, I would have gone to them without hesitation. I would have… I would have left this all behind in a heartbeat if they had beckoned me,” he said, causing my stomach to twist into knots. _No, please. I… I can’t lose him. God, please no._ “But after seeing that awful display, I’m never leaving the Darkside again.”

I felt my worry turn to ease at his words, my heartbeat settling into an easy rhythm. _Thank God, he’s not going to leave. I don’t think I could bear it if he did. Not after…... no, don’t think about that. Not right now. You need to focus on Anxiety. He’s what’s important._

“I’m still sorry, Anxiety. I know about how much you dreamed of going there someday. I didn’t mean to hurt you by sending you there. I know that I can be a little… overprotective and even possessive at times, and I know that I can be a lot to handle, but if you honestly and truly wanted to leave, I wouldn’t have stood in your way. I wouldn’t keep you trapped here if you were truly unhappy. I know it might seem like I sent you there to crush your dreams, but I truly had no idea what was going on. I wouldn’t have sent you if I knew what was happening. I’m just… I’m sorry it wasn’t what you were hoping it was.”

“That’s alright. It turns out I have an amazing family right here,” Anx replied, a slight smile gracing his lips, “and I wouldn’t trade it for the world.”

“I’m glad,” I said with a smile, my heart soaring at his words. _I love you, son,_ is what I didn’t say. Anxiety was not the type to appreciate sudden changes in his life, and I didn’t want to push him into a role he didn’t want to be in. I knew he loved me and I loved him, but I wasn’t sure if he wanted me to be his father figure. If he didn’t that was fine, but I was too scared to ask him. I didn’t know if I could face so much rejection. Not again. Still, Anxiety was like a son to me, always had been and always would be, and I wished I could just pluck up the courage to ask him how he felt, but I couldn’t. I wasn’t strong enough.

“So, what exactly happened?” I asked, turning the subject towards the bigger issue at hand.

He sighed. “From what I gathered, the kid’s always been a darkside. They all knew that, but they kept him around because one of the lightsides is his brother. Something must have happened because he ran off into the Darkside at some point. One of the sides, Logan I think his name was, wanted to go looking for the kid and bring him home safely. He was worried that the kid would be in danger because the Darkside isn’t exactly hospitable to strangers, especially strangers who are all alone. The other, Patton, didn’t seem all too eager to go looking for him. I think he wanted to get rid of him, but he never said so directly, so I’m not really sure. And the kid? He was awful! Kept saying how he was glad his brother was gone and he hoped that he never came back. Even said that it would be better if his brother died and saved everyone the trouble. I mean, what kind of sick, twisted person says that?! I’m pretty sure that was all Patton’s doing, though. He seems to have a sort of control over the others, keeping them in line with whatever he thinks is best. I wouldn’t be surprised if those were things he heard Patton say and he began to repeat them. Either way, Patton made the executive decision that the kid belonged in the Darkside and there was no point in dragging him away from where he was meant to be. Logan was still upset about it, so Patton promised to contact you and let you know about the kid so he wouldn’t get lost or killed. That’s all I heard. After seeing that sickening display, I left and came here.”

I felt sick to my stomach.

Putting a hand over my mouth, and wrapping the other around my stomach, I tried to comprehend the information I had just been given, but my mind refused to accept any of it. _How could they treat this poor, innocent boy like that? And why? What could be so bad about him that they would prefer his death above all else? God, it’s sick. It’s horrible and vile and I just can’t understand why._ My hand left my mouth to curl protectively around the boy in my lap, my mind still spinning as it struggled to catch up. There were so many emotions and thoughts swirling around inside that I wasn’t sure if I could formulate any sort of response. My fingers brushed through the boy’s hair and I made a silent promise. _It’s going to be okay. You’re safe here. I’ll protect you and love you and treat you like you deserve to be treated. No one will ever hurt you again._

“You okay, Dee?” Anxiety’s worried voice cut through my thoughts.

“Yy-yeah. I’m okay. I just… I can’t believe that they would do such a thing.”

“If an outsider had been told this without any context, they would assume _we_ would do something like this, not the lights,” he agreed grimly, “which I don’t understand in the slightest. Why on earth would _we_ do something so horrible?”

“I don’t know,” I sighed, “but one thing’s for sure.”

“Yeah?”

“I’m not going to let anyone hurt this boy ever again.”

My fingertips brushed the boy’s cheek gently, and I felt my heart swell with a protective sort of love for him. _I’m going to be here for you, I promise. I won’t let you go, no matter what. You’ll be safe here. We’ll be a family, and you won’t hurt anymore. I promise._

“You already love him, don’t you,” Anxiety said. It wasn’t a question.

I felt my lips curl into a sheepish smile. “Is that really a surprise? I love all of you. You’re my family.”

“I know. Just… don’t get too attached, okay? You know what tends to happen to sides around here. I just… I don’t want you to get hurt if the inevitable happens,” he cautioned, his voice betraying his concern.

“Okay,” I said, but I knew he didn’t believe me, and I didn’t either. 

Anxiety sighed and turned to leave, shaking his head slightly.

“Wait. Anx?”

He turned back, half his face bathed in shadows and the other lit up to reveal how tired he was, and how little sleep he’d gotten last night. The dark circles revealed days of little to no sleep and added to the emotional strain of seeing the lightsides as they truly were, it wasn’t surprising that Anxiety was exhausted. Nevertheless, I found myself wincing at the sight, cursing myself for not checking on him yesterday. I always checked on him, but in all the chaos, I’d let myself become distracted. _Stupid, so stupid. I should have known something was up. I’m a terrible caretaker, a terrible father. I failed him. Again._

Shoving aside the thoughts, I managed a weak smile. “I was wondering if you would be able to check on Jealousy and bring him his dinner for me. I’m… well, I’m a bit trapped as it is, and I don’t want him to go hungry,” I said, motioning to the boy resting on me.

I expected Anxiety’s signature sigh, followed by a weary “fine”, but instead he just nodded and went to the door. It was almost worse that he didn’t put up a fight, and I felt my chest ache. _I love you, Anxiety. I love you so much. I’m sorry I keep failing you. I’ll do better, I promise. Just please, don’t give up on me yet. Please._ As he stepped out into the dimly lit hallway and shut the door, he paused before turning to me and saying, “Let me know if you find out anything else about the kid. And when he wakes up, tell me so I can meet him. It’ll be nice to no longer be the youngest around here.”

“I will.”

And then he left without another word.

I sighed, leaning back against the headboard and wondering what I could have done better. Even though I wasn’t sure how I could have done things any different, I still felt like I had failed in some way. All my mistakes felt like they were slowly drowning me, and I just wanted all my thoughts to stop their endless racing and my heartbeat to slow so I could fall back asleep, but it appeared my body had other plans. No matter how long I sat there or how much I willed my mind to shut up, the thoughts kept coming and my mind kept racing. After a while, I gave up trying to fall asleep, knowing it wouldn’t do me any good. Instead, I leaned against the wall for the better part of an hour, quietly beating myself up over every wrong word and action I could have taken until the rest of me finally realized it was after midnight and finally shut off so I could sleep.

Pulling. Something was pulling on my arm. No, not my arm. It was pulling on my sleeve. I pulled away, grumbling to myself, but the pull came back, more intense and almost more… desperate than before, and I felt my eyes flicker open in spite of myself. 

It took me a moment to register the boy crouched over me, frantically yanking on my sleeve to wake me up, and a moment more to notice the way his body was trembling and the tears streaming down his cheeks. _What… what is going on…?_ I thought blearily. Then all I saw was red, not because I was angry, but because there was red everywhere. Red streaked across the boy’s face, red all over the sheets, red staining the boy’s clothes, but most importantly, red seeping through the bandages on his arms.

“Shit!” 

I leapt from my spot on the bed, my exhaustion forgotten in an instant. Picking the boy up, I carried him to the bathroom attached to my room and sat him on the edge of the bathtub. He was shaking so badly that it made my heart ache and I just wanted to make everything okay. Rushing around left and right, I gathered the materials I needed, a washcloth bathed in warm water, bandages, disinfectant, and anything else that seemed useful. Then I turned to the boy behind me, knowing that I needed to hurry and get him fixed up. He was pale and his eyes were a bit glassy, which wasn’t a good sign, and I couldn’t help but think of how much blood he had lost in the past few days. It was a wonder he was alive at all to begin with.

“Hey, it’s going to be okay, alright?” I said softly, kneeling in front of him with the washcloth. “I’m going to patch you up and everything is going to be just fine.”

He nodded slowly, his green eyes flickering to me curiously, though his gaze was a little distant and spaced out. “W-who are you?”

“I’m Deceit, and I guess you could say I’m the de facto leader of the darksides,” I replied.

The boy’s eyes widened, but he didn’t flinch back or move away like I expected. _Interesting._

“I need to clean your arms real quick, okay? It’s going to sting a little.”

He nodded again, holding out his arms for me to see.

I rolled up his sleeves carefully, which were soaked in blood and left red streaks on his pasty skin. Wincing, I took a deep breath before unwinding the bandages and assessing the damage. It didn’t look like the wounds were any worse off than they were the day before, but they certainly weren’t any better looking, and that concerned me. _A side always heals faster in their room, but we don’t know if he even has a room in the Darkside yet, and there’s no way in hell I’m letting him go back to the lights. God, why are things always so complicated? Fuck. Well, I guess I’ll have to mull it over later and see what I can come up with._

The boy watched me without flinching as I scrubbed his arms as gently as I could. He didn’t seem to mind the pain, or even feel most of it, and that was almost more worrisome. The whole time I tried to murmur encouraging things to him and tell him that everything was going to be okay, to which he responded with a short nod. I didn’t think he believed me. I wasn’t sure if I believed me, either. _There’s so much blood._

“I… I’m sorry,” the boy said softly.

I frowned, pausing in my work and glancing up at him. “What do you mean? You have nothing to be sorry for.”

He seemed close to tears. “I-I’m sorry for getting b-blood on your sheets, and for g-giving you so much tt-trouble.”

“Dear boy, I don’t care about the sheets. They’re just an object, easily replaceable. You aren’t.”

“B-but ever since you found m-me I’ve been nothing but a nn-nuisance and a burden. And-”

My jaw tensed at his word choice. I was going to have some choice words of my own the next time I saw Patton. “You have never been a burden. I _chose_ to help you. I _chose_ to bring you here and take care of you. I _want_ to help you feel better. You have never, nor have you ever been a nuisance. I’m _happy_ you’re here. I’m _happy_ I'm able to help you.”

He shook his head frantically, fear and desperation in his eyes as they began to grow even more clouded. “No… no, no, no, no, no. You can’t mean it. You’re lying. He warned me about you. Told me that you would try to manipulate me into thinking I was safe and loved and then you would break me. Well, jokes on you! I’m already broken. You can’t do anything else to me that I haven’t already done to myself,” he broke off with a laugh that seemed more hysterical than humorous, “It’s funny, isn’t it? Everyone’s turned against me. They all want me dead. Sometimes _I_ want me dead. It’s funny. I tried so hard to be everything they wanted me to be. I tried so, so hard. And they all still think that I’m trying to be bad, that I’m trying to hurt Thomas, that I’m trying to ruin everything. That’s so funny, right? No matter what I do, I’m still the broken, stupid, useless, dangerous twin, the unwanted brother sent to die. And I almost did! I was so close. A few more cuts, a few more hours alone and I would have been gone. Just like they wanted. But…” he paused, frowning and looking at me, or rather, through me. “You stopped me. You _saved_ me. Why? I wanted to die. I wanted to disappear. Why did you stop me? I was so close! How could you do that?! Why didn’t you just let me die?!”

My mouth opened but I couldn’t find any words. What could I possibly say to make any of that better? What could I do? Nothing. There was nothing I could do to make it better. But I was still going to try. Because I loved the boy, and I wasn’t going to give up on him. Not now, not ever.

I threw my arms around the boy and hugged him close to my chest, and he fought back for only a second before melting into my embrace. His body, which had been shaking with adrenaline and anger, now began to shake with sobs as he clung to me like I was his lifeline, keeping him from going under. I rubbed circles into his back and reminded him to keep breathing, that I was there and I wasn’t going to let him go. I held him until his tears ceased their flow, his heartbeat returned to a steady tempo, and his breathing became more even, and then I pulled back to look him in the eye. Brushing the tears off his bloodstained cheek, I held his hands in mine.

“Listen to me. I don’t know what the lightsides told you about me or you or any of the other darksides, but they’re wrong. I’m not going to hurt you. I’m not a snake meant to trick you into sinning. I’m here to take care of the darksides and make sure that our purposes are fulfilled. We are just as important to Thomas as the lightsides are. We are necessary. We are important. We are invaluable. And so are you. Whatever you do, that’s important. If it wasn’t, you wouldn’t be here. If you exist, then it’s for a purpose that no other side can provide. So don’t you ever for a second call yourself worthless or useless. You are valuable. You are important. You are needed. Never forget that, okay?”

The side nodded, a small smile breaking through as he hugged me again. “Thank you,” he whispered.

I hugged him back tightly. “There’s nothing to thank me for. I only spoke the truth.”

Pulling back, I gestured towards his arms. “Now, I do believe I need to finish bandaging those, or else you aren’t going to last long.”

“Right! Sorry about that,” the boy said, quickly holding out his arms so I could continue binding them.

I chuckled. “It’s fine. Just, the next time you decide to have a breakdown, do it when I’m not trying to save your life, okay?”

“Sounds like a plan,” the boy replied, a lopsided smile gracing his lips.

“So, I’ve told you my name. I’m curious. What exactly should I call you?” I asked, carefully wrapping the bandages around his right arm.

“Remus.”

My head jerked up in surprise and I paused in my tracks, completely forgetting what I was doing. “W-what?”

The boy frowned. “My name is Remus. Why? Is something wrong?”

“N-no, it’s just… most of the darksides go by their titles. We don’t exactly share names. We just… most of us aren’t comfortable with that sort of thing. So if you want, you could go by your title instead. I mean, it’s really up to you and whatever you’re more comfortable with. I just… don’t want you to tell anyone anything too personal and end up regretting it later.” My mind flickered back to a long dead time, and I quickly shoved it aside to focus on the boy in front of me. _It’s in the past. It doesn’t matter anymore. Move on._

He laughed for a moment, but it lacked any humor or cheer. “I appreciate your concern, but I think I prefer Remus to ‘Bad Creativity’ if it’s all the same with you.”

My eyes widened. “‘ Bad Creativity’? You mean Creativity split?”

The boy flinched and I realized I must have struck a nerve. 

“S-sorry! I didn’t mean to-”

“It’s okay, really. I’m fine. And yeah, we split a few years back. At first we were one being, a representation of both good creativity and bad, and then we were two different beings. Brothers, they called us. Twins. And everything was alright, for a while. We were happy until we weren’t, and then I came here. There’s not much else to it.”

I could tell by the tone of his voice that there was a lot more to it than that, but I wasn’t going to intrude after only knowing the boy for a day or two. “Remus, if you don’t mind me asking, what exactly do you do for Thomas?”

He grimaced. “I provide him with twisted, messed up thoughts. Ideas and images that he would rather not see, hear, or experience. My input rarely ever gets put to use in the real world. There’s really no feasible outlet in which it would, in Thomas’s life, as least. I’m just thought, pure unaltered, unfiltered thought. Some would be more akin to calling me ‘Intrusive Thoughts’, as that’s the role I play in many people’s lives, but that’s even worse than calling me ‘Bad Creativity’, and to be honest, it doesn’t really fit me. That’s not my main function, just a branch of it.”

“Remus, I don’t think you’re ‘Bad Creativity’.”

“W-what do you mean?”

“You sound more like Imagination to me.”

“‘I-Imagination’?”

“Yeah. You’re Thomas’s purest, unedited thoughts that he tends to keep in his head because most of the thoughts aren’t feasible. That sounds like Imagination to me.”

“But… I’m not all encompassing. I only take on Thomas’s darker thoughts and ideas,” Remus protested.

“And your brother isn’t the only side of Creativity, yet he only calls himself ‘Creativity’ and not ‘Good Creativity’. So what’s wrong with calling yourself ‘Imagination’?” I countered.

“I… guess that’s a fair point.”

“When we are given titles, or give them to ourselves, they aren’t meant to encompass everything we do. I’m known as Deceit, but that’s not the only thing that defines me. I am Thomas’s ability to tell truths as well as lies. I am duality in its purest form. And I am also self preservation, the voice in Thomas’s head that tells him to take care of himself and be selfish every now and then.”

Remus frowned. “But I thought Patton was in charge of Thomas telling the truth. He’s Morality.”

“That’s a common misconception. Patton is Thomas’s moral compass, the voice telling him to always tell the truth, to do the right thing. He is not, however, in charge of Thomas’s ability to tell the truth. That power goes to me. Many sides, you will find, are interconnected in what we can do. We are reliant on certain traits existing in order for us to exist and do our job. If I didn’t exist, then Patton wouldn't be able to perform a large portion of his function, because Thomas would no longer be able to tell the truth. If you and your brother didn’t exist, I wouldn’t be able to come up with lies and therefore I wouldn’t perform a large portion of my function. We are all necessary and important for each other’s existence, even if it doesn’t seem that way at first.”

“I see,” he thought for a moment, and I could practically see the wheels in his head turning, “If it’s all the same with you, I would still prefer to be called by my name, Remus. It just feels… right. I don’t have anything to hide. I trust you, and I want to show the other darksides that I trust them as well. By telling them personal information I’m building a bridge of trust so that they, in turn, trust me enough to tell me personal things about them.”

“That is either the purest thing or more deceptive thing I’ve ever heard, and at this point, I’m not entirely sure which umbrella it falls under,” I replied, blinking at him. “You… are much smarter than I expected you to be… ah, no offense by that statement. I just figured that you would be more invested in creative outlets than interpersonal relations.”

Remus shrugged. “If you really stop to think about it for a moment, I think you’ll find that it makes more sense than you realize.”

I nodded and continued bandaging his arms, mulling over his words silently as I did so. _I suppose it does make sense in a way. He had such a poor relationship with the lightsides because he focused too much on his role as a part of Creativity and making his ideas heard that he was unable to truly bond with the others, and in his mind, this is what led to him being here. And now that he is here and he doesn’t seem to be keen on leaving, he wants to focus more on interpersonal relationships so he won’t be driven away again. It’s like a safety net of sorts, a security blanket for him to fall back on in case of the worst occurring. He is so desperate to be loved and accepted so he has a place where he belongs that he is unable to see he is already loved and accepted, at least by me. And I’m sure the other darksides will accept him with open arms as well. If only he could see it… But no matter. I will have plenty of time to show him how much I want him and need him here in the future, as will the others. There is no rush._

Once I was done disinfecting and bandaging his wounds, I turned to wash my hands before looking back at him with a smile, only to find he had a troubled expression on his face. 

“R-Remus? You okay?”

He glanced up at me, his expression still distant. “Hmmm? Oh, yeah. I’m good.”

I knelt before him, unconvinced. “You don’t have to lie to me, you know. Whatever is troubling you, you can tell me.”

He sighed. “I didn’t suppose I could get past you with a lie.”

I shook my head. “It’s very difficult, but not impossible. And that’s not the point. What’s wrong?”

“I… I wanted to apologize.”

“Remus, if this is about the sheets again, I can assure you, this wasn’t the first time, nor will it be the last, I’m quite certain.”

“No, it’s not about the- wait what? You’ve woken up to bloody sheets before?”

“Yes. When Anxiety was younger, he used to hurt himself too. After patching him up I’d let him sleep with me and we’d both forget to set an alarm, so I would often wake up with him covered in blood and crying, trying to take care of himself on his own.” I shook my head wearily at the memory, “Those days are mostly gone, thank God, but it still happens every now and then.”

Remus took that information with stride before shaking his head. “That’s not what I was trying to apologize for. I was going to say, I’m sorry for… well, for calling you ‘Pops’ last night. I don’t know what happened. I was tired and it slipped out and I'm sorry if it upset you in any way.”

I couldn’t help but laugh at that. Remus stared at me, confusion clear on his face. 

“Remus, I wasn’t bothered by you calling me ‘Pops’. If I’m being honest, I was surprised and… happy. I suppose I liked it. It doesn’t matter what you call me as long as it makes you comfortable. If you want to call me Deceit, call me Deceit. If you want to call me Dee, go ahead and call me Dee. And if you want to call me Pops, then call me Pops if it makes you comfortable. It all comes down to you and what you want and what makes you comfortable. I’m not going to force you to choose any one specific term to refer to me as.”

“T-thanks, Pops,” Remus said, ducking his head slightly as a light blush colored his cheeks.

I brushed his hair from his eyes with my fingertips and planted a featherlight kiss on his forehead. “Anytime, son.”

Sitting next to him on the edge of the tub, I wrapped an arm around Remus and he leaned into me, both of us sitting there contentedly for a moment. It felt good to just take a moment and breathe. It felt like it had been forever since I had time to relax. The past few days had just flown by with one thing after another popping up unexpectedly. There had been times when I was afraid that everything was going to hell, but everything was alright now, and that was all that mattered.

“Pops?”

“Yes, Remus?”

“Can I meet Anxiety today?”

I smiled. “Of course. But first, we both need to get showered and dressed, and I would feel a lot better if you had something to eat. After losing so much blood, it would probably help you feel better.”

He nodded. “Sounds good. But what about my bandages? They’ll get wet in the shower and you’ll have to redo them all over again.”

“Don’t worry, I have a plan for that.”

He paused for a moment. “Pops, could you smile again?”

I raised an eyebrow but complied.

“Woah, you have fangs. That’s so cool!” he exclaimed.

I laughed at his enthusiasm. “Yes, I have fangs. Did you think these scales were just for show?”

“Can I touch them?” he asked, practically bouncing up and down.

“Of course,” I laughed again.

His fingers were cold as he felt along the scaly half of my face, a bright smile stretching from cheek to cheek as he gazed at me. It surprised me to realize that his teeth were jagged and sharp in a fashion similar to that of a wolf. None of the other darksides had teeth like ours, and I found myself once again questioning the logic behind our outward appearance and what determined our features, but decided it was better to just accept the odd and unusual. It was clear to me that when it came to our appearance, logic had been thrown out the metaphorical window. I wondered for a moment if Remus had any dietary restrictions due to the nature of his teeth, but I figured I could ask later.

Taking Remus’s hand, the two of us headed back to my room and then towards the door to the rest of the Darkside. I didn’t miss how Remus flinched and his eyes clouded with guilt at the sight of my bed, which was indeed very bloody, and I squeezed his hand tight.

“I care much more about you than I do about bed sheets, Remus. They’re easily replaceable. I’ve done this so many times that it doesn’t even phase me.”

“I’m still sorry,” he said.

“I know. But you don’t have to be.”

“What did Anxiety do to hurt himself?” Remus asked before wincing. “Sorry, I shouldn’t have asked that.”

I sighed softly. “He used to cut himself. It was always his upper left arm, where he knew it wouldn’t show. He did it for years without telling me until one night it got really bad and he came to my room, crying and begging me to help. He didn’t know how to stop. He was afraid that one of these days he was going to go too far and kill himself. I was able to help him through it, thank God, but it terrified me. I didn’t want to lose him. He hasn’t come to me because of cutting for almost a year now, and I check every now and then, but he hasn’t hurt himself since.” I squeezed Remus’s hand tighter. “I helped him through it, and if you let me, I’ll help you too.”

He ducked his head, biting his lip for a moment. “I… I don’t know.”

“You don’t have to tell me anything you aren’t comfortable with, Remus. I’m not going to force the information out of you. I just want to help you get better so you no longer rely on this unhealthy coping mechanism.”

“O-okay. I’ll… I’ll try.”

“Good.”

I dropped Remus’s hand for a moment. “Would you be willing to wait in my room while I grab a few things?”

He hesitated.

“I’ll be back in just a moment, I promise. I need to grab some towels, something to wrap your arms in, and some clothes for you to wear.”

“I can manifest my own clothes while I wait,” he offered and I smiled.

“Perfect. I’ll be back in just a second. Just… don’t get into any trouble while I’m gone,” I teased with a smile.

“I make no guarantees,” Remus replied stubbornly, sticking his nose in the air.

I laughed before leaving the room, quickly grabbing towels from the closet and saran wrap from the kitchen. I had done this a few times before and I’d found that saran wrap worked best for keeping water out, as long as you used enough of it. Within seconds I was back in my room, where Remus was waiting, clothes tucked under his arm. I wrapped his arms in several layers of saran wrap before allowing him to jump in the shower, stripping the bed and putting on clean sheets. I stuck the bloodied sheets in the washing machine and turned that on before returning to my room. Then I sat in my reading chair, skimming through a book I had already read twice before while I waited.

Remus emerged from the shower, his hair still slightly damp and his face slightly flushed from the hot water. He was wearing a green t-shirt and black cargo shorts, a black paper crown perched among all his wild curls. There was something weird about his crown that caught my attention, although it took me a moment to realize what it was. There was a green crack drawn on the crown as if it was split in two, and for some reason that made my stomach twist. Something about the symbolism behind it was off-putting, although I couldn't quite figure out why.

I jumped in the shower quickly and changed into my usual yellow button up, black dress pants, and yellow gloves. I didn’t bother with my capelet that I often wore, it would get in the way while I was cooking anyway, and I also didn’t worry about my hat. It wasn’t as if I needed to dress to impress anyone. Remus cheerfully took my hand and we made our way to the kitchen, him skipping along and chattering about this and that as we walked. Most would have found his ceaseless chatter annoying, but I found it quite the opposite. It had been so long since I had just experienced a meaningless conversation with someone, and it was quite refreshing.

“Remus?”

“Yeah?”

“I was wondering… do you have any dietary restrictions I should know about? Any foods that you are unable to eat?”

“Nope. I can eat just about anything, so I do. Even things that aren’t meant to be eaten.” His eyes sparkled mischievously at that, and I shook my head, unable to keep a smile from gracing my lips. _He’s a troublemaker, but he’s my troublemaker,_ I thought fondly.

“So you would not be opposed to scrambled eggs, bacon, and toast?”

“Sounds delicious! But Pops?”

“Yes?”

“Can you leave my toast plain? I like to put something special on it.”

“Of course.”

Once we reached the kitchen, I had Remus set the table while I rolled up my sleeves and began making some scrambled eggs. Knowing how much Anxiety ate and knowing that Remus was likely famished, I made enough eggs to feed a small village, putting aside some on a plate for Jealousy, along with a few slices of bacon, extra crispy just how he liked it, and toast with jam. I then transferred the rest of the food onto large platters and set them in the middle of the dining room table. Sitting at the head of the table, I had Remus sit on my left, where he quickly began dishing up his own plate and eating with a fervor that was incredibly amusing to watch.

“Am I invited to the family gathering?” a voice asked from down the hall, and Anxiety strolled in, his hood pushed back for once to reveal his purple streaked brown hair, covering his left eye, and a slight smirk.

“Always,” I replied with a smile before turning to Remus. “This is Anxiety. Anxiety, this is Remus.”

Anxiety’s eyes widened, but before he could say anything, Remus leapt from the table and tackled Anxiety in a hug. He blinked at him and I found myself wondering what he was going to do. Anxiety was not the type to enjoy physical contact much unless he was in really bad shape, and even then he had to be the one to initiate it. I was surprised when he bent down and returned Remus’s embrace, his smirk turning to a full fledged smile. _Well, I’ll be damned. That was… unexpected, to say the least._ I couldn’t help the smile teasing at my lips as I watched the two boys, my boys, smiling and talking like they were old friends. They both sat down at the dinner table, eagerly shoveling food into their mouths and talking about everything and nothing all at once. Anxiety and I both blinked in surprise and disgust as Remus began spreading deodorant on his toast, causing me to laugh and Anxiety to sputter in horror and revulsion. I sat back and watched as my sons laughed and talked, only offering my input every now and then, content to simply witness the open acceptance of Remus into our broken little family, knowing that with this new addition, Anxiety’s smile was just a little brighter, the dining room was just a little bit louder, and my heart was just a little bit warmer with every passing second.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys. I'm still alive and I'm still writing. Sorry about that! I didn't mean to wait so long to post this chapter. I've just been lacking a bit of my motivation, but hopefully I can get at least a couple more chapters done soon for you to enjoy. I appreciate all the kudos and comments that you've all been leaving! Thank you so much for checking out this story, and I hope you enjoy all the emotional, sweet, and maybe even scary moments awaiting you in the future. Thank you again!
> 
> ~Your Fellow Fander


	4. Deceit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Here we go...

Standing at the edge of the grey corridor, I adjusted my gloves, a nervous habit, and took a deep breath. _I don’t want to do this. I don’t want to, I don’t want to, I don’t want to. But I must. It doesn’t matter what I want. I have to do this, for my sons. I have to keep them safe._ Gritting my teeth, I took one more deep breath and steeled my nerves for what I was about to do before marching into the Lightside like a man on a mission. At first, I didn’t see anyone in the living room. It was too quiet, too empty, and I found myself put on edge even more than I had been before. I had never seen the lights’ living room devoid of anyone at all. There was always someone there. _So what makes today any different?_ I pondered.

I really hadn’t wanted to attract the attention of every side in the Lightside, but if that was what it took to talk to Patton alone, so be it. I was about to yell “hello” which would have been not only incredibly stupid, but rather useless as well, when I heard a noise coming from the kitchen. Beeping. _There you are,_ I thought smugly, a slight smirk on my face. Patton was always baking something. I remembered that well. I remembered everything from back then, something I was certain Patton didn’t realize. But it didn’t matter. That was back then, and everything was different now. _All because of you._

"Patton!” I snapped, and the motion in the other room paused for a moment.

A side emerged from the kitchen, a bright smile on his bespectacled, freckled face and a gleam in his eye that I didn’t like. He seemed all too happy to see me, and I felt in my gut that he had something planned for me. _Good. I have something planned for him too. No holding back. If all my past attempts haven’t gotten the message through his thick skull, this will._

“Ah, Deceit! How lovely to see you again. It’s been much too long,” he greeted, arms open to welcome a hug.

“And yet not nearly long enough, all at the same time,” I replied, ignoring his outstretched arms in favor of examining a gloved hand.

His smile didn’t slip once as he lowered his hands, going to stand across from me, near the couch. “So, what do I owe the pleasure of your company, old friend?”

“No. Don’t you dare try to pull that ‘old friend’ bullshit. This isn’t a friendly visit. This isn’t about me at all. This is about Remus,” I snapped.

Patton laughed a tinkling laugh that would have seemed warm and friendly, but there was a slight edge to it that grated on my nerves. “Remus? Is that what it decided to call itself? How cute.”

I tensed, my teeth clenched together to keep from biting Patton’s head off. “‘It’? Excuse me? Did I hear you right? Because last time I checked, Remus was a boy, a side, under your care. Or am I mistaken by this fact?”

“Oh, I didn’t mean to strike a nerve there. My apologies,” he replied, his voice as sweet as syrup but a bit too sticky for my taste. “It’s just, he isn’t really a side, is he? After all, he split away from Roman, from Creativity. He has no function. He simply isn’t needed.”

“That’s complete and total bullshit, and you know it, Morality. Remus has a purpose just as much as the rest of us, otherwise he wouldn’t exist.”

“That’s just the thing, he shouldn’t exist. He was never meant to be here. He’s a mistake, an accident that won’t be long for this world.”

“Pardon me, but I do believe you’re the reason he exists at all, correct?” I spat, shooting Patton a death glare. “You’re the one who split Creativity in the first place. If Remus is a mistake, then he’s a mistake because of _you._ ”

Patton shrugged. “Everyone makes mistakes, and I was hoping that my mistake would be corrected when the brat ran into the Darkside. He should have perished there, and he would have, if you hadn’t gone and played the hero. It was rather stupid of you to save him. Please, try to understand, Deceit. He’s going to die one way or another, either from the fade or from the dangers of the Darkside. Wouldn’t you be doing the poor purposeless boy a favor by ending his life painlessly?”

“He is not purposeless Patton! He is an important part of Thomas and he is staying!” I snarled, feeling my face begin to heat up. _How dare he talk about Remus like this, as if he isn’t a person! How can he say that?!_

He laughed. “And what part is that, Deceit? What is so important about his role that he is needed by Thomas?”

“He’s Thomas’s Imagination.”

Patton laughed again, a cold, humorless laugh that sent shivers down my spine. “That’s absolutely ridiculous! Imagination,” he scoffed, “as if Roman doesn’t already encompass Thomas’s imagination and creativity as it is.”

“He does, but not all of it. Remus is his other half, the darker half, but still just as important to Thomas’s well-being.” My hands clenched into fists at my side, my nails digging into my palm to keep myself from snapping.

“Well-being! You must be joking! Remus is a danger to Thomas’s mental health. Those dark thoughts are only going to hurt him the longer Remus is left alive. Deceit, be sensible! He must die to keep Thomas safe.”

“They are two parts of a whole!” I shouted, Patton going silent in shock. “Does that story sound familiar, Morality? One whole being, split apart and separated by a divide that they can’t control? Two boys separated not by choice, but by sides that they were forced to choose? Tell me this isn’t the exact same thing repeating all over again.”

Patton opened his mouth but no words came out.

“Exactly. You can’t. And you know what that means, don’t you? One can’t exist without the other. In order for Roman to exist, Remus must also, in order to keep the balance, to create duality. You can’t touch him, because if you do, you’ll be hurting Roman, too.”

He took a deep breath, his face flushed slightly, and I could see how tightly his jaw was clenched. Patton was beginning to lose his temper with me. _Not as perfect as they think you are, eh Pat? Or are they too far under your influence to realize how terrible you really are? I can’t believe I ever thought you were a good person, can’t believe I ever trusted you, or even… no. No. This isn’t about me. This is about Remus. Remus must be the priority. I have to make sure he’s safe, and Anxiety, and the rest of the darksides. I can’t let them get hurt, too._

“Perhaps not, but if your theory is false, he will fade, Deceit. Sides like him, they can’t be used. They are parts of Thomas, yes, but not parts that he can do anything feasible with. And what are you going to do when he does fade? What will you do when they all fade? One. By. One.”

“I don’t know,” I admitted, and Patton seemed caught off-guard by that.“I don’t know what I’ll do. I’m… I’m nothing without them. But that’s not why I came here. I didn’t come here for a stupid argument over whether Remus is a side or not, nor did I come to talk about me. I came here with a warning.”

“Oh did you? That’s so cute. And what might that warning be?” Patton sounded amused, far too amused for his own good. His lack of concern would be his downfall.

“To fuck off.”

He blinked at me, once again caught off-guard. _Guess you don’t know me as well as you thought you did, bastard._ “I do believe I’ll need you to elaborate on that.”

“Fine. Then I’ll elaborate,” I said through gritted teeth. “You and the rest of the lightsides best stay the hell away from the darksides or I will personally tear you limb from limb. You leave them alone, you don’t try to cause them to fade, you just keep to yourselves and live out the rest of your miserable existence in peace. If you do that, I’ll leave and you’ll never see me again.”

Patton was silent, thinking about it for a moment. His fingers fiddled with the knot of his cat hoodie as he deliberated with himself in his mind, but his answer was rather quick and to the point, much to my surprise. Morality had always taken his sweet time when it came to making decisions.

“No.”

“Excuse me?” I blinked at him.

“I can’t promise any of that. If a darkside is unnecessary, and which darksides aren’t, they will fade. I will not purposefully try to bring about their demise, but I will not try to slow down the process at all either. Sides like Remus and you, I can’t do anything about. I’m stuck with you for the time being, but I can make no guarantees about the others. Some of them are useless, like Jealousy. That idiot has no more use to Thomas than his appendix. He’ll be gone soon enough and then things will continue to go smoothly as always. And Anxiety? He’s too dangerous to be kept around for long. His purpose is much too damaging for Thomas to be kept unchecked. He either needs to fade away soon, or I may be forced to suggest that Thomas go to the doctor for medication to… limit his influence. After all, Thomas must come first and if it means getting rid of sides that are doing him harm, it is worth the effort.”

At that moment, all the anger that was festering inside since the beginning of this conversation burst free. I rushed up to Patton before he could even think to move away and gripped him by the collar, pulling him close so his face was inches away from mine. He managed to look unperturbed by this predicament, gazing at me with steady blue eyes, like a pool of water frozen over by ice, but I could feel his pulse racing against my fingertips. It was the same frantic rhythm that beat inside my own chest, racing along with my thoughts, which were telling me how much of an idiot I was. _What the hell are you doing?! This is Patton! Morality! You’re going to get your ass handed to you faster than you can blink!_ But still I carried on.“You can insult me all you want, break me down, tear me apart, I don’t care, but don’t you dare insult my sons ever again. They have never done anything to you to cause this hostility and revulsion towards them. You best learn to hold your tongue if you want what’s best for you and for Thomas, because if I hear you say one more thing against them, I will hold it for you, permanently. All sides are important and needed and there is never a time when it is okay to treat anyone like this. None of them would ever purposefully hurt Thomas. If they did, they wouldn’t exist, so you can stop all this high-and-mighty talk about protecting Thomas. You’re only protecting yourself and the control and power you yield. Now I suggest you shut the fuck up before I’m forced to do something I regret.”

Patton laughed, although it seemed a bit thin, almost breathless, and his hands were trembling at his sides.“Your ‘sons’? Oh Dee, that’s so sweet. You truly think they care about you, don’t you. Oh, poor dear. You realize they're only using you, right?”

“I thought I told you to shut the fuck up,” I snarled, but I could feel my resolve beginning to waiver. _Don’t listen to him, Dee. He’s just trying to mess with your head._

“Think about it, Dee. They love you and care about you because you’re their guardian. You’re there to take care of them, keep them safe, and help them whenever you can. They think that you are strong and brave and that you can protect them from the big bad lightsides. But you’re not. You’re weak, fragile, and you can’t do anything for them. You pretend to be strong, put up a facade of control and power, but you aren’t. You’re a failure who is only delaying the inevitable. And once you show them your weakness they will leave you, no longer need you in their lives. They only love you as long as they benefit from your existence, and once they realize that you can’t help them anymore they will abandon you. When they do, you’ll spend the rest of your life sad, pathetic, and unloved until you fade and die alone. Once they can no longer get anything from you, they’ll leave you in the dust. Because you’re weak, pathetic, unable to protect yourself, much less them.”

“I’m not weak.” But to my own ears, my voice sounded defeated, tired… weak.

“Oh Dee, you can lie to me all you want, but you’ll never be able to lie to yourself. You are weak. You’re pathetic and you know it. You can barely hold yourself together most days, and then you work so hard to try and take care of everyone around you, but you can never be good enough, never work hard enough, to make them stay, to make them love you. You know what I’m saying is the truth. After all, think about why Hatred left.”

I slammed Patton against the wall, knocking the breath out of him, barely able to keep from strangling the other side. “How _dare_ you bring him up! How _dare_ you speak his name, after all that you’ve done! Hatred didn’t leave. He _faded._ He faded because of _you._ You used your sway over Thomas, constantly whispering in his ear, telling him how Hatred was bad and he should avoid him, and it was your actions that turned Thomas against him. That wasn’t my fault. I tried to protect him. His blood is on your hands, not mine.”

“But think about why he really died, Dee. He didn’t die because of me. He died because of _you._ He died because _you_ were too weak to protect him. _You_ failed him. If you were strong enough to protect him and save him, he would have never faded to begin with. His blood is on _your_ hands. You’re just too weak to admit it.”

“No.” I couldn’t stop shaking, my heart beating fast, too fast, and my mind racing. My grip loosened on Patton’s collar.

“And soon enough all your sons, your _family_ will face the same fate. One by one, they’ll grow weak, fade, and die, and it’ll be all _your_ fault. All because you were too weak to protect them like you promised. And when they die, then you’ll be all alone. Just like you were meant to be.”

That managed to snap me out of my daze, and I channeled all the pain and scars his words had left into anger. I slammed Patton against the wall again, and I could tell by his gasp of pain that I had, in the very least, bruised him. “Listen to me and listen to me good, because I am not going to repeat myself. If you lay a finger on any of my sons, if you harm a hair on their head, I will personally drag you down to Hell myself and obliterate you. Consequences and Thomas be damned, if you ever hurt them, I will end you, even if I have to take myself out with you. Do you understand?”

“Crystal queer,” Patton replied, a smirk on his face.

I released Patton’s collar and took a step back, my breath still coming out in short gasps. I could feel my heart beating in my throat and my head was pounding. Suddenly I just wanted to go home, to get out of here. I knew I wasn’t going to get through to Patton. He was impossible. “Heed my warning or don’t. One way or another, you’ll pay for everything you’ve done, Morality. You leave my sons and my family alone, or you won’t like the reality you wake up to.”

He casually fixed his shirt collar, a smirk still on his face. As I turned to walk away, I heard his voice calling out from behind me. “Whatever you say, Janus.”

I froze, feeling like I had been punched in the gut. My breath caught in my throat for a second, and I thought my feet were going to falter and I was going to collapse right then and there. But I didn’t. I took a deep breath and I kept walking, one foot in front of the other, as slow and steady as I could bear. I so desperately wanted to sprint to the grey corridor and run away from there as fast as I could, but I couldn’t give Patton that pleasure. I couldn’t look behind me, not even once. I refused to give him the satisfaction of seeing me cry. As I walked down the grey corridor, my feet feeling numb and my chest feeling heavy and I held back the tears that threatened to break through, I could hear his laughter echoing from wall to wall. As soon as I reached the Darkside, I couldn’t take it anymore. I sprinted through the halls, my breath coming in short gasps and I choked on sobs. 

Arriving at my room, I crashed inside, nearly tripping over my feet in my eagerness to get away from Morality, away from my sons, away from my family. _I can’t let them see me cry. I can’t. I don’t want them to think I’m weak. I don’t want to worry them. I can’t let them see me cry. I just can’t._ I slammed and locked the door before collapsing on the ground, wrapping my hands tightly around my stomach as I struggled to hold myself together. One by one, tears began to escape my eyes and race down my cheek, falling to the cold concrete floor below without a sound. My heart felt like it was going a mile a minute, pounding so hard it hurt my chest and so fast that I couldn’t breathe. I curled in on myself, taking short, desperate gasps, but they weren’t enough to feed my starving lungs. My body seemed to act of its own accord, forcing me to my feet in spite of how badly I was shaking, and I began to pace, trying again and again to get a full breath but to no avail. _This is it. I’m dying. I’m dying and there’s no one to help me, no one to miss me when I’m gone. I’m dying alone, in my room, just like Pat said._ I felt a tear trail down my cheek, collecting on my chin before sliding down my neck. _I guess I should have known,_ I thought with a bittersweet smile, holding a hand to my chest, _he was always right about this sort of thing, and I was always wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong._

My feet guided me over to the wall, and I pressed my trembling hands against it to try and steady myself. It was cool to the touch of my burning skin and I felt one of the knots in my chest loosen ever so slightly. My eyes seemed to travel of their own accord, landing on a large crack in the plaster where they slowly traced the lines with a slow, even pace. Leaning my head against the wall to let the coolness sink into my skin, I did my best to take a deep breath, then another, and then another. I found myself going on autopilot, following one of the breathing techniques I had done with Anxiety in the past to help him calm down. As my breathing began to ease into a constant tempo, my heart rate slowed as well, allowing me to think more clearly. Closing my eyes, I reminded myself to just keep breathing, and that everything was going to be okay.

Opening my eyes, I found my fingers were tracing the cracks in the plaster, and I felt the memories flooding back as if it were yesterday. _The fight, the kiss, the pain, the betrayal, the love, the loss, the heartache, the sorrow, but above all, the pain, pain, pain, pain, pain._ Everything about that fateful, terrible day seemed as if it were happening right before my eyes, and not years and years ago, and the scars across my heart that I thought had healed over felt like they were being viciously ripped apart all over again.

 _It hurts. Oh God, it hurts. It hurts so bad. Please, make it stop. Make the pain go away. Please, someone, anyone, help me. Help me! Please! It hurts! It hurts so bad! Please, someone help! I can’t… I can’t make it stop. Please. Please, please, please, please, please. I can’t…_ I didn’t realize I was crying until I reached up to brush my face and my fingers came back wet. The sight of my damp fingertips was what truly broke me. I fell to my knees, not even caring that the ground was concrete and I was going to bruise, not even noticing that I was kneeling in a puddle of tears already shed, not even minding that my sons were nearby and might overhear my cries. I. Didn’t. Care. All I could think about was the pain, and the heartache, and the betrayal, and me.

 _It hurts. It hurts so much! Oh God, it hurts! It hurts, it hurts, it hurts, it hurts. Make it stop, please! Please! Help me! Make it stop! Please! Please stop. Just… stop._ Even in my distressed state, warning bells went off in my mind when I heard voices approaching near my room, and I frantically reached out for something, anything. My fingers brushed a pillow that had fallen off my bed, and I grabbed it desperately. Pressed my face to the pillow, I muffled my sobs until only I could hear them, holding my breath as the voices passed by without any indication of hearing me. _Good. I can’t let Anxiety or Remus hear me cry. They would worry about me, and I’m supposed to be the one taking care of them, not the other way around. Or worse, they would see how weak I really am. I can’t let them see that. I can’t let them see me cry._

Burying my face in a pillow, I let the tears flow and let myself cry and cry until I thought I had used up all the tears left inside, and even then I couldn’t stop. It was like someone had left the faucet running in my mind, and all the pain and sorrow I had let build up after all this time was finally bursting free. I wanted it to stop, wanted to stop my cries which seemed more and more pathetic and weak the longer they continued. _Stop it! Get a grip! Everything is fine. You’re so emotional and weak! You need to stop it and move on! That’s all in the past! You can’t hold onto this pain forever. Let it go! God, you are so weak. Just stop it! Stop crying!_

I felt a growl gathering low in my throat, felt my anger and frustration at myself growing bigger by the second. Without a second thought, I chucked the pillow across the room, not knowing or caring where it went or what it hit. Gritting my teeth together, I summoned all the willpower I had left. “Just. Calm. The. Fuck. _Down!_ ” I exploded, slamming my fist into the wall, in the exact same spot that the cracks were. 

Pain laced up my hand and shot through my arm so fast I didn’t even have time to react. Biting back a cry of pain, I let out a hiss of air to release some of the pressure bottled up inside. A loud thud filled the air, the wall still vibrating with the pure force of the hit. As soon as they had appeared, my tears vanished without a trace, leaving me feeling comfortably numb once more. I watched with a distant sort of amusement as blood began to leak from my busted knuckles between the dozens of splinters that pierced my flesh. The blood dripped down my hand and spattered on the floor, staining the concrete with its bright crimson drops. But none of that mattered, because I had finally stopped crying, and that was what I had wanted. Taking a deep, shaky breath, I let the tension in my shoulders ease up and let my bloodied up hand fall to my side. Closing my eyes, I tilted my head back and felt all the pain I had been storing up inside release until I didn’t feel anything at all.

“Dee?”

_Fuck._

That was enough to snap me back into reality. My eyes shot open so fast it took the rest of me a second to acknowledge the fact that Anxiety was knocking at the door, my head swimming for a second as I reached out a hand and steadied myself on the wall. Sucking in a breath and blinking rapidly, I turned my head towards the door and towards my concerned companion. I could practically feel his fear and anxiety crashing through the wall in huge waves from where I was standing on the other side of the room, and I held back a sigh. _Why can’t things ever be easy?_

“What is it, Anxiety?” I asked, my voice incredibly steady in spite of my nerves, which were completely shot.

“I thought I heard a loud noise coming from your room. You okay?”

“Of course. Why wouldn’t I be?”

“Dee, are you sure you’re okay? You know you can trust me if something’s wrong. Please, just tell me what’s up.”

“Anxiety, I appreciate the offer, but everything is fine. Really, I’m okay. I just accidentally dropped a paperweight, that’s all. Trust me, champ, if anything was wrong, you’d be the first person I’d tell. Now, could you go check on your br- on Remus for me?” _God, what is wrong with me today! I can’t just call Remus Anxiety’s brother! That’d be forcing him into a position that he’s not comfortable with, and I don’t want that. C’mon Dee, get a grip! You can’t let yourself get distracted. Remus and Anxiety are what’s important right now. Your problems can wait._

“Sure, Pops. If you say so,” Anxiety said reluctantly.

My heart leapt in my chest at the sound, and I waited until I heard Anxiety walk away before I pressed a hand to my mouth and tried to process what I had just heard. Anxiety just… called me ‘Pops’. _God, what does this mean? Why would he call me Pops after all this time? Is this… because of Remus? Is he influencing Anxiety with his ideas of a closer familial unit? Is Remus’s presence encouraging him to open up and trust us a little more? Or... is he trying to set a good example for Remus? I never asked him to do that. He doesn’t have to force himself out of his comfort zone for me, or Remus, or anyone. He should only open up with us if he feels ready, not because he feels like he has to. God, I hope that’s not the case. Maybe… maybe it has nothing to do with Remus. Maybe it’s because of the episode with the lightsides and all that he saw. Could it be that the things he saw finally convinced him that the Darkside is his home and we are his family? I just hope that whatever the reason, he’s doing this of his own accord and not for anyone else or because of anything else. I’ve always wanted him to see me as his father figure, but I don’t want him to be forced out of his comfort zone if he’s not ready. I want it to be his choice._

Shaking my head, I figured I could ask him later or see if Remus could find anything else out for me. I knew he’d be willing to check in on Anxiety for me if I asked him. He was already enamoured with the idea of Anxiety being his big brother in the future. At the moment, I needed to focus on myself, or more specifically, on my hand, which was bleeding much heavier than I had previously anticipated. A puddle of blood was gathering near my feet, more crimson drops hitting the ground each moment that I waited around. For a moment, I just stood there and gazed into the puddle, looking my reflection in the eyes. I looked exhausted, and sad, and weak, and… broken. It was funny, I had always thought I was the strong one, looking after everyone else and helping them through their problems, but when it came to my own, I was completely useless. I smiled, although there was no joy in my eyes, and I slowly walked to the bathroom, my hand cradled against my chest. Although, I supposed that I wasn’t very good at helping those around me either, now that I thought about it. If I was actually able to protect them, Hatred would be standing by my side, laughing at how stupid Patton was for thinking he could try to make me feel weak and giving me advice on how to scare him even harder next time. But he wasn’t, and it was all my fault.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey all! So, what do you think so far? Any theories on some of the information mentioned by Deceit and Patton in this chapter? There is an awful lot hinted at that will be revealed in the future. I'm curious to see what everyone thinks is going on. Please, let me know your thoughts, questions, concerns, or anything else. I'd love to hear your thoughts. Anyway, thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed! New chapters coming out soon...ish.  
> ~Your Fellow Fander


	5. Remus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Here, enjoy a little chaotic Remus energy. My treat.

The tap of my feet on the cold flagstones below seemed impossibly loud when compared to the heavy silence that seemed to hang over the Darkside in the same manner as the clouds of fog that never seemed to dissipate, no matter what time of day it was. It was dark and cold, but I had on a green turtleneck sweater and black sweatpants to keep me warm, as well as black fingerless gloves and a black beanie to replace my usual paper crown, so I wasn’t too concerned about the temperature. One of my hands rested on the hilt of my sword while the other swung at my side as I walked down the twisting corridors of the Darkside, alert but at ease in my new surroundings.

I had been trying to get my bearings and understand the layout of my new home for the past hour and I was still no more acquainted with my surroundings than I had been when I first arrived here. This would have annoyed and angered most, but to me it made my adventure all the more exciting and intriguing. I had no doubt that if Roman were here, he would have been grumbling and complaining the whole time, trying to convince me to give up and go back to Deceit’s room, but Roman wasn’t here, and for once the thought didn’t make my stomach clench or tears prick at the corners of my eyes. Not that I didn’t miss him, because of course I missed my brother, even if he was an ungrateful pain in the ass. Even after all I had been through and everything he had done, I still loved him. I just didn’t necessarily want to see him right now.

Humming to myself as I strolled down the maze of hallways, I wondered what Anxiety and Deceit were doing right now. Deceit had left his room this afternoon without telling me where he was going or when he was going to come back, which was how I had gotten out here in the first place. I had no doubt that he would have turned me down if I asked him to explore, not because he didn’t trust me or he didn’t think I was capable, but because the Darkside was a mess and it was impossible to find anything. He had never explicitly told me this. I had learned that pretty quickly when I had only been walking for a few minutes and already had no idea how to get back to his room. This didn’t really matter to me since I wasn’t planning to go back, but it would have been nice to have the option anyway, for comfort reasons if anything.

Anxiety was probably in his room, if I had to guess, listening to the depressing music he was so obsessed with or working on his art collection. A part of me wished he was here to explore with me, but I knew that he was probably tired from spending all morning with me and needed to recharge. Anxiety wasn’t as extroverted as I was, and I needed to respect his boundaries. He wouldn’t want to be my brother if I pestered him all the time, and I really wanted him to like me and want to be around me. I wanted a brother who would stick by me no matter what and help me when times get rough.

After making four right turns and not ending up back at the same spot I had been before walking in a circle, I was certain that the hallways were always shifting and changing. It had been a hunch of mine, but to think that something was true and to have actual proof were two different things entirely. A part of me was proud that I had managed to deduce something all on my own, but the rest of me was beginning to panic. _What if I end up lost in the Darkside forever? With how twisted these corridors are I might never find a way out of here! What if Deceit and Anxiety never find me? What if they never even realize I’m gone, or worse, they’re happy to be rid of me? Oh God, what if they hated me all this time and were just biding their time, hoping I would do something stupid and reckless like this just so they could lose me for good?_

Before I could hyperventilate, I felt a hand on my shoulder and whirled around. Anxiety kneeling before me, his face as serious as the grave and his hood lowered so I could look him in his violet eyes. I opened my mouth to ask him what he was doing here, but no words made their way past my lips. I couldn’t make a sound.

“Take a deep breath, Remus. Focus on me. Can you match my breathing for me?” he asked, his voice soft and gentle but firm, and I nodded.

He breathed in and out in a very specific pattern and I followed along the best I could. It was hard to try and match his slow, easy breathing and once or twice I was tempted to give up, tears pricking at the corners of my eyes as my mind was filled with insults. _Failure, pathetic, weak, loser, unwanted, unnecessary, broken, stupid, useless._ But I kept going, Anxiety murmuring comforting, encouraging words the whole time, and once all the blood ceased its pounding in my ears I managed a small smile.

“T-thanks.”

“No problem,” he replied, getting to his feet with a slight huff. “So, where are you headed, squirt?”

I made a face. “‘Squirt’? Really?”

“That’s not an answer.”

I sighed. “I wanted to go exploring, see if I could figure out the layout of the Darkside so you all didn’t have to babysit me all the time, but it’s hopeless. This place is always shifting and changing. It’s impossible to get your bearings without a constant starting and ending point.”

“Patience, oh ye of little faith. It takes a long time to understand how this place works, and even longer to be able to find anything on your own. Heck, even Dee doesn’t know where everything is at any given point in time.”

My eyes widened in surprise. “Really? But hasn’t he been here the longest? He should know where he’s going. And he always seems so confident and poised. How does he _not_ have this place memorized by heart?”

Anxiety laughed. “Kid, you have a lot to learn about the Darkside.”

“Then teach me.”

He glanced at me, surprised. “What?”

“Teach me. I wanna learn more about the Darkside. You seem to know what you’re doing. So teach me.”

Anxiety smiled. “You sure are forward, aren’t you kid?”

“Those who are upfront and honest get the most out of their life because they don’t hesitate to ask for it,” I replied with a shrug.

“And intelligent, too. You’re just full of surprises.”

“So, will you do it? Will you teach me?”

“Yes,” Anxiety said after a pause, his voice surprisingly certain. “But not now. You’re still recovering and I’m a bit too tired to try and explain the mysteries of the universe right now. What do ya say we go to the living room and hang out, play video games or something?”

Just then, I felt a tug at my gut that was leading me somewhere, although the location was unknown to me. I only hesitated for a moment before following it, my feet moving fast beneath me as I let the tug lead me this way and that. I heard a curse followed by the pound of shoes on the flagstones running after me, and then there was a hand gripping my arm, holding me back, and I paused in my pursuit, not even bothering to look back behind me. I could already feel the confusion and concern pulsing off of Anxiety in waves without having to see him.

“Slow down, kid. Where are you going in such a hurry?”

“There’s something calling me,” I said.

“What? Calling you? How do you mean?” Anxiety sounded worried, and I wondered what exactly laid behind the smoke-filled curtain of the Darkside, what unknown dangers could be lurking beneath the surface that I had yet to meet. It didn’t matter either way. I was following this call, this tug in my gut, to the end, no matter the outcome.

“It’s like a tug in my gut pulling my onward towards something,” I described.

“Does it feel benevolent?”

I shook my head. “It doesn’t feel like anything, It isn’t a voice. It’s just a feeling of somewhere that I have to go.”

Anxiety sighed. “I don’t suppose I can talk you out of this, can I?”

“Nope.”

He groaned. “Alright, let’s go.”

“You don’t have to come along if you don’t want to.”

“Don’t be stupid, Remus. There’s no way you’re going alone. I’d never forgive myself if you got hurt because I turned a blind eye.”

I grinned, holding out a hand, and after a moment he placed his in mine, our fingers intertwining. The two of us began walking down the corridor, hand in hand, our footsteps the only sound disturbing the heavy silence of the Darkside.

“Besides, Deceit would kill me if he found out I let you go off in the Darkside alone,” Anxiety admitted, a lopsided smile on his face.

Laughter bubbled in my throat and I let go, allowing my giggles to echo down the corridors, bouncing off the walls. Anxiety’s own chuckles joined in, and soon we were surrounded by a wall of laughter as we made our way through the twisted halls of the Darkside, me and my gut leading the way and Anxiety cautiously walking a few steps behind me, his eyes out for any dangers that could be lurking around the corner.

We had been walking for a few minutes, the silence filled by my idle chatter about nothing important and Anxiety’s occasional input that he offered as his eyes swept the halls with the diligence of a royal guard. In my mind, our little expedition became a royal quest where I, the evil prince of the kingdom Perditio, was wandering the ancient catacombs with my royal guard, in search of an ancient artifact that would offer me unimaginable power. But we had to move quickly. There were others also after the treasure, seeking the incredible abilities it could provide, and if we-

“Remus? Remus, you good?”

I shook my head, scattering the wild fantasies from my brain and turning to Anxiety. “Sorry, got a little distracted there. What’s up?”

“I think… I think we’re here. Wherever here is.”

I turned my head and there it was, a door, looking as plain and inconspicuous as any other door in the Darkside, but in my gut I could feel the pull again, so strong it felt like it was dragging me towards the door without me even moving my feet. _This is it. This is what I was looking for,_ my mind told me, although I still wasn’t sure exactly what I had been looking for in the first place. Before I knew it my hand was on the doorknob and I was about to open it and see where it led.

“Remus, be careful! We don’t know what’s behind there. It could be dangerous! Why don’t we just head back to the living room and find something else to do?” Anxiety suggested, his voice full of panic as the magnitude of the situation finally settled in.

But it was too late. I had already turned the knob.

“Remus!”

Without sparing my companion a second glance, I let the door swing wide open, my eyes taking in the contents of the room, and I felt a smile stretch from cheek to cheek. Whooping loudly, I charged into the room, Anxiety calling after me in alarm and fear, and flopped down on the large four-poster bed with a happy sigh. Anxiety hesitated for a moment before cursing and rushing in after me, only to freeze when he found me drowning in miles of warm, soft blankets and fluffy throw pillows. I smiled up at him cheekily as he pressed a hand over his heart and tried to quiet his breathing, which had sped up considerably since we had found the door.

“What the hell were you thinking, Remus?!” Anxiety hissed, his eyes flaring purple in the dimly lit room.

“This is my room,” I replied.

“You had no idea what- wait, w-what?”

I leapt off the bed and whirled around the room, spinning and dancing like I had eaten way too much sugar or had a coffee with three shots of espresso. “This is my room!” I cried, smiling and laughing like an idiot.

Anxiety seemed stunned to silence, watching me race around the room looking and this and that, his mouth hanging open and his eyes wide as he struggled to comprehend what I had just said. If I had the patience I would have stopped in my exploration to make fun of him for how silly he looked, but my mind refused to slow down and I couldn’t help but take in everything that I had been missing for the past few days. It had been such a short time, but I had missed this place.

“Wait a minute,” he said, and to my credit, I did freeze in my tracks, fixing Anxiety with an amused smile. “ _This_ ” he gestured around vaguely “is _your_ room. All of this?”

“Yep,” I nodded.

He blinked. “Well, I’ll be damned. Didn’t think you’d get a room so soon, especially after living in the Lightside for so long. Usually it takes weeks for a new darkside’s room to show up.”

“Well, if you think about it, I’ve been around for a long time, and even though I wasn’t in the Darkside per say, it could still sense my existence and probably began preparations ahead of time for when I arrived. So it’s not that surprising that it only took a day or so after all,” I shrugged.

Anxiety ran his fingers through his hair, sighing. “I still don’t know how you’re so okay with all of this. When I first arrived at the Darkside I was a mess. I refused to leave Dee’s room for weeks, and even after that I never left without him by my side for a good few months after that. But you snuck out to go _exploring_ after only being here for maybe a day and a half!”

I shrugged again. “We’re very different people. No two sides are going to react to the same stimulus in the same way. I’m much more extroverted and a part of my function includes Thomas’s recklessness and adventurous spirit. It only makes sense that I would be more comfortable testing the limits and seeing how far I can go.”

“I… I guess.”

“And in the end I still freaked out and nearly went into a full on panic attack, so it was probably an incredibly stupid idea for me to go adventuring so soon anyway. I’m just glad my knight in shining armor was there to rescue me.”

Anxiety snorted. “Knight in shining armor my ass. You’re just lucky I was in the right place at the right time.”

“That works too,” I agreed.

“So… this is your room, huh? Would you be willing to… give me a tour?” Anxiety asked hesitantly, glancing around in wonder at the new space.

My entire face lit up at the opportunity. “What are we waiting for? There’s so much to show you and so little time!”

“Annnnd I’m already regretting this,” Anxiety muttered.

Ignoring his pessimistic comment, I grabbed his hand and dragged him towards two wrought iron doors, designed to look like a bunch of octopus tentacles intertwining, glass filling in the spots between the tentacles to form two elaborate glass doors. He still seemed nervous, but after I had practically dragged him across the room he followed me more or less willingly to the doors.

“Before I show you anything else, you should really get a look at the view from the balcony. It’s amazing!” I exclaimed, nearly bouncing off the walls in excitement.

“Balcony?” he blinked. “But, we’re in your room. How the hell does that work?”

“My room is connected to the Imagination since I encompass a part of Thomas’s Creativity,” I explained. “This is my realm.”

He followed my gesture as I opened the doors, pointing towards the great sweeping landscape below us. Anxiety seemed spellbound as he slowly walked towards the edge of the balcony and leaned over, his eyes drinking in every last detail, from the different biomes that could be seen with great walls dividing them, to the blood red sky and ominous black clouds hanging overhead, and the mythical creatures and demonic nightmares running amok on the ground and in the sky.

“Oh my God. Remus, did you make all of this?” Anxiety breathed.

“Yep. Made it all by myself. Roman’s domain is beyond the gate,” I said, pointing off in the distance, where a large black gate stood, its spiked iron and tangled vines reaching over a hundred feet in the air. Beyond the gate, a much more boring realm of magic and princesses awaited, so sickeningly sweet that I was certain it was giving me cavities just looking at it.

“It’s amazing, kinda terrifying, but mostly amazing.”

I blushed in spite myself. “Thank you.”

We stood there for a moment, taking in the view of my kingdom and its never ending array of surprises and horrors. Soon I noticed that some of the creatures were getting a little too close for comfort and I stood quickly.

“As nice as it is to hang out here and take in the splendor of my domain, it’s probably best we head inside for now,” a slight edge in my voice that I knew Anxiety picked up on.

“Why? What’s going on?”

“Oh, it’s no big deal really, but I’ve been far away from the Imagination for a good month or so, maybe longer, and many of my beasts haven’t been handled in a while.” Anxiety raised an eyebrow, not understanding what I was implying. I sighed. “I’m not sure if they’re tame enough to obey me, which means that I might have to fight them off if we stay out here, and while I wouldn’t mind that, I don’t want you in danger. Some of these creatures,” I shook my head, “well, let’s just say they aren’t exactly friendly.”

I didn’t have to tell Anxiety twice. He was inside the castle before I could blink, and I quickly followed him, closing and locking the glass doors. _We should be fine, unless any of the particularly dangerous ones get too rowdy. Guess this tour better be a short one._ Clapping my hands, I turned to Anxiety with a smile.

“So, let the real tour begin!”

I led Anxiety around the castle, starting at the bottom floor and working my way up. The last floor was the dungeon, which he found particularly fascinating. There were rows upon rows of jail cells, all in various stages of disarray in spite of none of them ever really being used.

“They’re just for show, really. The only people I’ve ever imprisoned here were a few of Roman’s soldiers who went sniffing up the wrong tree and occasionally even Roman himself if we were playing raid the castle or something like that,” I told Anxiety with a shrug. “I just like the aesthetic, really. Dungeons are cool.”

“Understandable,” Anxiety nodded. “It is pretty freaky looking. I would hang out here just for kicks and giggles.”

“I know, right! Finally, someone who gets it. Roman would always tell me I had a screw loose for liking this place.”

Anxiety laughed. “You and me both. I swear, Dee was about to sign me up for therapy or some shit like that the last time I tried to explain the merits of torture chambers.” he rolled his eyes, “I love him, but he really needs to chill.”

“Speaking of torture chambers,” I grinned, leading him to the other half of the dungeon.

“No way,” he gaped, his look of surprise turning to a full fledged smile, the first I’d really seen from Anxiety, as he began to peruse the torture weapons with genuine interest. I laughed to myself and joined in on his exploration, explaining the uses of some of the more obscure ones and even giving him a demonstration or two with random peasants I conjured up. He was actually talking and laughing and seemed to be enjoying himself, which made me smile and filled my heart with an incredible warmth I hadn’t felt before. This was the brother I had always wanted, but never had. I wanted to tell Anxiety how much he meant to me, how much I wanted to be a part of his family, but I forced myself to keep quiet. It was too soon, the wrong time, the wrong place, and I wasn’t sure if I was ready to bear my soul like that, face rejection so soon. Because I knew in my heart of hearts that Anxiety wasn’t ready for that yet, and he would most definitely turn me down, not because he didn’t want me to be his little brother, but because he wasn’t ready for a little brother yet. So I kept my lips sealed and kept laughing and smiling with him, satisfied to enjoy my time with him as things were for now. I had plenty of time, a lifetime, to get closer to Anxiety. There was no rush.

My tour of the kitchen, dining room, and den were very brief, as there was nothing particularly special about them. Anxiety seemed fine with that, satisfied to take a glimpse of the fancy, ornate furniture and elegant decorations before moving on. I was glad, as we didn’t have much time before we would be at risk of any beasts intruding on our hang out, and while in most circumstances I wouldn’t particularly mind a little fighting, Anxiety wasn’t exactly trained or prepared for combat, and he was likely to get hurt if any of the beasts showed up, especially if they were the ones I had made up. The nightmare creatures.

“Dude, you do realize that you could literally just live here and never have to leave the comfort of your own home, right? You have everything you could possibly want here. If I were you, I would never leave,” Anxiety remarked as we entered the training room where an array of equipment was strewn around the room, some of it more modern than others, but all of which I had been practicing with since I could walk.

I managed a small smile and nodded, understanding he wasn’t expecting an answer and knowing that I wasn’t willing to give one. I had my reasons for not staying in my room for too long, and the only thing that mattered was that I knew what those reasons were. As Anxiety fooled around with a bow and arrow, attempting to shoot one of the training dummies in the face, I watched him with a smile pasted on my face in case he looked at me. Truth was, I wasn’t hurt or upset with his questions or his presence. I was anything but. I just had a lot on my mind and everything combined was taking its toll on me, and I just wanted to give Anxiety the tour and get out of here before anything went horribly wrong. There was a feeling in my gut that I didn’t like. _Something is terribly wrong._

“Hey Remus, would you be willing to give me a demonstration with all these weapons?” Anxiety asked, his voice loud enough to startle me from my musing.

“Maybe some other time,” I replied. “We really need to get going.”

“Bet.”

Guiding Anxiety back up a long flight of stairs, I opened the door that led to my room, which was located in the tallest tower of the castle. I had only peeked my head out for one second when a spear embedded itself in the wall an inch from my head. Closing the door quickly, I took a step back and tripped, falling against Anxiety, who caught me with ease. His gaze wasn’t on me, however, as he helped me to my feet, and was instead focused on the spear that was still vibrating in its spot on the wall.

“What’s going on?” he asked, his voice low and dangerous.

“I think some of the beasts broke in,” I replied with a groan.

“What?!” he exclaimed, gripping my arm tightly.

“Hey, it’s going to be okay. I’ll take care of this and we’ll get back to the Darkside no problem.”

“How can you be so calm about all of this?” Anxiety demanded, his voice sharp with panic.

“It’s my room, my beasts. I made them, I can tear them apart,” I shrugged. “Besides, it’s not like this is the first time this has happened. Everything should be fine as long as you stay in here.”

“What?! I’m not just going to sit here and pray that you aren’t killed! I can’t just stand by and let you risk your life for me!” he protested.

“Anxiety, the second you step out there you’re going to get killed. These beasts aren’t like anything you’ve ever seen in your wildest nightmares and I can’t deal with this if I’m constantly worried about your well-being. Trust me when I say I’ve got this. You can watch through this peephole if you want, but you can’t come out until I take care of this, okay? If something were to happen to you on my watch, I would never be able to forgive myself.”

“O-okay. Just, stay safe Remus,” he said, his grip on my arm loosening.

“I will.”

He let go and took a few steps back at my request, and I summoned my power, My sweater and sweatpants were replaced by black and green battle armor, a dozen more weapons hanging from a collection of pouches and pockets and sheaths all around my body. Taking out my sword, I braced myself before charging out into the chaos, praying that Anxiety listened and shut the door behind me.

I wasn’t kidding what I called my room chaos. There were beasts everywhere, some of them more than twice the size of a fully grown adult, and each more terrifying than the last. There were chimeras and griffins, dragons and mermaids, cyclops and manticores, and creatures with no name that haunted people’s deepest, darkest, most terrifying nightmares. And they were all looking at me with their glowing red eyes, their claws and fangs and weapons shining in the dim candlelight. Taking a deep breath, I crouched in a battle stance and prepared myself for anything. They all charged at me at once, and I didn’t wait idly by for them to come upon me. I rushed forward myself, my sword swinging as I plunged into the thick of it. _Here we go again._

It’s difficult to describe, being in the midst of a battlefield. Some would describe it as being in the eye of a hurricane, everything calm and chaotic at once as you feel the destruction around you but you yourself don’t really feel the weight of what you’re undergone until it's over. Others would say it was like being on the outskirts of a tornado, feeling everything around you trying to tear you apart, to lift you up and throw you somewhere else entirely, or swallow you whole. I don’t think either analogy is a truly accurate comparison, because there is no way to really describe it. You have to experience it for yourself. But if I were talking to a stranger and they asked me what being in a war was like, I would tell them that it was everything surrounding you at all times and being hyper aware of every single movement around you because one wrong step could be your last. It was an intense dance between multiple partners that would eventually end with one dancer left standing, whoever had the most grace and poise and was the most capable of surviving till the end. It was like a discussion, a debate between weapons, each attempting to screw the other one over with its words and avoid screwing themselves over in the process. An entanglement of blades and fangs and claws that was always deadly, but it depended on the skill of the fighters as to who was the victor and who was the casualty. Any way you describe a battle, the outcome is always the same. Chaos. Pure and utter chaos.

I was never one to be careful or wait for the opportune time to strike. Headstrong was the word Logan had always used to describe me, and I suppose he was right. As I charged into the midst of the crowd of beasts and monsters, I realized after a few moments that what I had done was incredibly stupid. I was now surrounded on all sides with creatures much larger than me, all of which were trying to attack me at the same time. Most would have given up and let death take them, but this wasn’t my first rodeo. Unsheathing my dual swords, I parried the strikes of two mermaids and a centaur before stabbing one of the mermaids in the stomach, she floundered and thrashed wildly, her spear catching the centaur in the neck as she died, and he clawed desperately at his wound, trying to stop the blood that was already pouring from his neck profusely. 

Ducking to avoid an arrow aimed at my head, I reached back and pulled a spear from the basket on my back and threw it in the direction the arrow had come from, smirking when I heard some beast squeal in pain before going silent, My triumph didn’t last long as a sledge hammer struck me in the stomach, knocking the breath out of my lungs as I flew backwards, landing on my back with a grunt. _That’s gonna be a couple broken ribs,_ I thought wearily, blinking the black spots out of my vision. Instead of struggling to my feet and leaving myself open to attacks, I used my location to my advantage and sliced at the heels of my enemies, crawling and scrambling around as I slashed and cut at anything I could reach. Soon I reached the outskirts of the battle, which had been my goal, and I leapt utop my writing desk, sheathing my swords and pulling out my bow and arrow with a grim smile.

I released a barrage of arrows, striking numerous monsters, some more than once, and watched with wicked satisfaction as many of them fell to my flurry of projectiles. I kept firing until I was out of arrows and I had cut down the swarm to a slightly more manageable size, although there were still a huge number left standing. Now the only problem with this was that they all knew where I was and were rushing towards me all at once, and there were still far too many to try and plow my way through. _Fuck. Now what? Think Ree, think. You can’t let Anxiety down. He’s counting on you._

Leaping off the desk, I threw my bow aside and pulled out my shield and morningstar, choosing to take on the monsters as they came. I was standing in the center of the room, so I wouldn’t get cornered as long as I kept moving and avoided being surrounded by numerous enemies at once. As the beasts charged towards me, this time I let them come and didn’t try to head them off, and my patience awarded me, as the first monster to reach me was a cyclops, which was one of the largest of my beasts, but also the dumbest. I quickly knocked the club from its grasp before it could do anything with it before swinging my morningstar at it with all my might, knocking it to the ground. I then yanked one of my knives from my belt and stabbed it in the eye, killing it, before whirling around and throwing the same knife at an oncoming chimera, piercing its heart. It fell to the ground, blocking the path of a dragon that was flying towards me. I had a moment to breathe, but that moment didn’t last long before another wave of monsters were upon me. I leapt away as a litter of arrows pierced the ground at my feet, and I looked up to see one of my own creations, a shadow soldier, standing before me. Before it could even prepare to attack I smashed its head in with my morningstar, its blood flowing black as it stained the flagstone below.

I cried out in pain as a blade managed to pierce through my armor, cutting into my shoulder, and I bashed the nightmare creature in the head with my shield before drawing my sword and sliced through its leg and chopping off its head. Growling in frustration, I retreated back a few paces as a chimera and a dragon both came upon me, bringing out my dual swords and hacking my way through with minimal burns and scratches. It went this way for almost a half an hour, killing beast after beast and sustaining minor injuries every few fights, the only thing keeping me going was the fact that I needed to protect Anxiety, who was supposed to be hiding in the stairwell, but I wasn’t sure how well he’d listened to me, and I wasn’t sure if I wanted to find out.

There were only a few monsters left to finish off, but they were all the more dangerous ones and I was getting extremely tired. A chimera, two griffins, and a manticore were before me, all very eager to tear me to pieces, and I was gasping for breath, struggling to keep fighting with the same energy and gusto as I had in the beginning. I was relying more heavily on my shield to block the attacks as I swung wildly with my sword, both sides drawing blood but with little success otherwise. I lunged forward and managed to stab one of the griffins in the chest, but this allowed the manticore to lash out at me and strike me with its tail. Luckily, it didn’t manage to pierce through my armor, but it did knock me back a few paces, allowing the beasts to corner me against a bookshelf, leaving me with little room to fight back.

I lunged forward to stab at the manticore, knowing that it left me open to other attacks but hoping for the best. I heard someone cry out and suddenly a spear pierced the griffin’s hide, causing it to spasm and die, its claws a few inches away from piercing my flesh. I shot a grateful look in the direction of the spear-thrower, certain it was Anxiety but not having the time to check and make sure he was okay before the chimera sprayed me with another round of fire. Using my shield to deflect the flames, I walked closer to the source of the fire, aware of my door opening a few feet away, but too busy to see what was going on. Instead I kept moving forward, until I was close enough to cut off both of the chimera’s heads. It fell to the ground, dead before it even had a chance to reach it, and I laughed wearily, finally having won. Then suddenly I was on the ground and there were claws pinning me to the ground, digging into my right arm and keeping me from fighting back. A griffin was crouched on my chest, a dagger buried in its leg from one of my previous attacks, but in spite of this it was still fighting back strong. Its claws were digging deep into my arm, reopening my wounds from a few days prior, and I cried out in pain, black spots dancing in my vision as I struggled to stay conscious. Lucky for me I was ambidextrous, so I wasn’t doomed quite yet. Reaching out blindly, I grabbed a weapon off the ground around me, an arrow, and swung with all the force I could muster, piercing its hide. I watched as it spasmed and roared in rage before it collapsed on top of me, knocking the breath from my lungs and aggravating my broken ribs, but it didn’t matter. I survived another day and defeated the beasts.

I managed to get out from underneath the monster with minimal difficulty, wincing from the numerous injuries I had sustained from the fight but still standing. Something rushed at me and I instinctively held up my arms to defend myself, but then I found myself in Deceit’s loving embrace and I stopped resisting, giving into the warmth and comfort he always managed to offer. Another pair of arms circled us as Anxiety joined in on the hug, and I could feel him trembling as he wrapped his arms around me.

“Guys, I’m okay,” I laughed as Deceit began pressing a dozen kisses all over my face and Anxiety refused to release me from his death grip. “Really, I’m gonna be fine. I always heal really fast in my room, so I should be as good as new in no time.”

“Don’t you dare do something like that ever again!” Deceit shouted, unable to hide the way his voice shook with fear, and I couldn’t help but feel a little guilty for scaring him. Still, injured as I was, this wasn’t nearly as bad as when Roman and I dueled. I had been through much worse and still came out on top. Not that Deceit needed to know that.

“Alright, Pops,” I said, unable to hide the amusement in my voice, knowing I wouldn’t be upholding that promise for long.

“I was so scared! I thought I was going to lose you when that lion bird thing went flying at you,” Anxiety murmured into my hair, still holding me close.

“Yeah, thanks for the save back there, Anx. Even if you shouldn’t have been there in the first place,” I said mildly, shooting him a look that he ignored.

“When the hell did you get here, Pops?” Anxiety asked, turning to Deceit, who blinked at the side for a second before realizing the question was directed at him.

“Right,” he shook his head, as if shaking a thought from his mind. “I try to keep an eye on you two to make sure you stay out of trouble, and once I realized you were both heading in a specific direction with some sort of intention I began to worry if something was going on that might be dangerous. But it wasn’t until I detected an intense amount of fear coming from you and distress coming from Remus that I decided to come after you. I had no idea what to expect when I opened the door, but it most certainly was not Remus battling some demonic beasts single handedly in a gigantic castle. So, with that explanation out of the way, I do believe you two offer me one as well,” Deceit’s expression turned from relieved and happy to furious and severe in a matter of seconds, and Anxiety and I sighed in unison.

“How about we head to the living room first, and I’ll tell you the whole story,” I offered as the last of my injuries were sewn closed and I shook out my limbs, feeling as good as new.

Anxiety nodded and Deceit hesitated a moment before agreeing.

“Good, then it’s decided.” 

I snapped my fingers and my armor was replaced with the same sweater and sweatpants I had been wearing before this adventure had occurred. As the three of us left the room, I turned around and a knife appeared in my hand. Deceit seemed alarmed and seconds away from prying it from my hands, and Anxiety merely looked curious as I carved the name ‘Remus’ into my door, making sure to scar the wood deep enough that the name would be visible even from a distance. Taking a step back to admire my handiwork, I smiled and nodded to myself before taking Deceit’s hand in one of mine and Anxiety’s in the other before leading us back to the living room, where I knew the lecture of a lifetime would be awaiting me. But that was okay, because as I looked between my father and my brother, I realized there was no place I would rather be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for reading! I hope you enjoyed and I'll be back with another chapter shortly! Thanks for your patience and dedication to reading this story. I really appreciate the support you all keep providing. Thank you and I hope you enjoy!
> 
> ~Your Fellow Fander


	6. Deceit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Have a little fluff. This is just the calm before a nasty storm that's gathering in the distance. Everyone strap on your seatbelts and hang on tight, because this aren't going to stay calm for long.

After scolding my sons for the better part of an hour, I had finally settled on grounding them both for a week. I didn’t feel it was right to punish them with any real consequences because they hadn’t really done anything wrong. Anxiety had been keeping an eye on Remus and Remus, well, had I really expected anything else from him? I had stupidly left him alone without telling him why and he had gotten bored. That was on me, not either of them. _How could I have been so stupid and blind? I should have known that he would get restless and dive head-first into trouble. Stupid, so stupid. I’m supposed to be taking care of them and protecting them and I nearly lost both of them today._

Nevertheless, I told Remus that he was not to go exploring in the Darkside alone ever again, and he was quick to agree with me on that rule. They were both a little too compliant with any of the rules I suggested, which made me suspicious. I knew that Anxiety was still really shaken up from the fight in Remus’s room, and I couldn’t really blame him. I was feeling the same way, if I was completely honest with myself. Remus, however, didn’t seem nearly as affected by what had happened prior from where he was resting, flopped over on the sofa with his eyes closed. I could tell he was listening to me by the way he seemed to flinch and look guilty as I talked on and on about responsibility and staying safe. After I felt I had lectured them both enough, I got to my feet.

“I’ll go make dinner,” I murmured.

“Do you need any help, Dee?” Anxiety asked, seconds from getting to his feet.

“No,” I said quickly, and he flinched at my cold tone. _Calm down, Dee. You’re going to make him feel even worse than he already does. It’s not his fault what happened with Morality, nor is it Remus’s. Control yourself._ I bit my lip and repeated myself in a softer voice. “No, I should be able to handle dinner on my own. Just… keep an eye on Remus for me. Please.”

He nodded and I walked to the kitchen, glancing around and trying to figure out what I should make. My vision went blurry for a second and I steadied myself on the island as I felt my legs begin to waver beneath me. All the events of the day had left me exhausted, and for a moment I regretted pushing aside Anxiety’s offer to help, but I knew I couldn’t let him see me like this. _He’ll start to worry that I’m not taking care of myself, or worse, think I’m weak. He’ll push me away, and I’ll be alone forever. He’ll stop loving me if he realizes how pathetic I am, if he thinks I can’t protect him from the fade. I can’t let him see me like this. I just can’t._

Taking a deep breath, I decided to stick some frozen chicken strips in the oven and fries in the air fryer for simplicity’s sake. I had been planning on making pasta but I didn’t have the energy for it anymore. _Tired. So, so tired._ As I moved around the kitchen, getting everything prepared, I couldn’t help but overhear voices coming from from the living room. Pausing with my finger on the preheat button when I heard my name mentioned, I instinctively tilted my head to listen more carefully. _What is going on in there?_

“We really messed up, Ree,” Anxiety’s voice drifted in, concern and fear lacing his voice.

“What do you mean?” came Remus’s voice, sounding incredibly small and worried.

“I’ve never seen Dee so upset before. We really scared him. Did you see the look on his face? We nearly gave him a heart attack.”

“I didn’t mean to.” _No, it’s okay Remus. Please, don’t be sad. Don’t feel guilty. I’m not upset at you, honest. This is all me and my own problems, not you._

“I know, Ree, but we need to be more careful. Pops has enough on his mind without having to worry about us twenty four seven.” _Anxiety, that’s not true. Please, don’t try to hide things from me. Don’t try to pretend everything is alright for my sake. I’m supposed to take care of you. Please, don’t push me away._

There was a brief silence, and Anxiety sighed.

“Hey, don’t beat yourself up over this. We both made a stupid decision and now we have to deal with the consequences.”

“I just hope Pops doesn’t hate me for scaring him,” Remus murmured. _No! I could never hate you Remus!_

“Hey! Don’t you ever think like that, you hear me?” Anxiety snapped, his voice becoming sharp. I could practically hear Remus flinch back and his brother’s voice softened slightly. “Deceit will never ever hate you, Ree. He loves you, and that’s why he was so upset to see you in danger. He wants to keep you safe because he cares about you. It would tear him apart if he lost you, Ree.”

“But I do that sort of thing all the time. My room is full of monsters I created. They can’t kill me. The most they can do is hurt me really bad. I have a safety net in place that if things get really they’ll stop attacking me.”

“But Dee didn’t know that, Remus. There’s so much we don’t know about you, know about each other. We’re still learning. You just need to be patient with us for a little while longer, okay squirt? We love you and we want to make sure you’re safe and happy here. Do you understand?”

“Yeah,” Remus yawned. “I understand. I’m sorry for scaring you.”

“It’s okay, Remus. Just… warn a guy next time, okay? I honestly thought I was going to lose you. I was… terrified.”

“I will.” There was a slight pause as Remus shifted position. “I love you, brother.”

There was a moment of silence, and I froze, wondering how Anxiety was going to react.

“I love you too, little bro. I love you too,” came his voice, floating into the kitchen so quietly that I almost didn’t hear it.

My heart swelled in my chest and I couldn’t help myself, I walked over and peeked out into the living room, only to find Remus and Anxiety were curled up together on the couch, Remus’s head resting on his brother’s chest and Anxiety’s arms wrapped protectively around the younger side. _My boys. I love you both so much._ A smile graced my lips and I quietly slipped back into the kitchen, preheating the oven and sitting at a chair next to the island, waiting to put the chicken in after everything was ready. The fries were already in the air fryer, and I knew in a few minutes I would need to take them out and toss them with some seasoning before sticking them back in, but for the moment I was just content to sit at the island and smile, thinking of my two beautiful, amazing, irreplaceable sons and the family that we were slowly creating from the broken pieces the lights had left us. The family that I would always be there to protect. _No matter what._

After dinner was done, and I had taken Jealousy his food, I strolled into the living room and gently shook my boys awake. I almost hated to stir them from their position, as they were so adorable and I just wanted them to stay that way forever, but I knew they were probably hungry after such a long day. Anxiety shot up almost immediately, looking around groggily before scrubbing his face with his hands. Remus cracked his eyes open for a moment before closing them again and snuggling against his brother once more, refusing to get up until Anxiety ruffled his hair playfully.

“C’mon squirt, dinner’s waiting for us,” he told him, and Remus groaned.

“But I’m comfy,” he protested.

“I will drag you into the dining room if necessary, Remus, and I don’t think you’d enjoy that nearly as much as I would,” Anxiety threatened jokingly and his brother glanced up at him with one eyebrow raised.

“Is that a challenge?”

“Oh my God, can you both just walk into the dining room like normal and completely sane individuals?” I groaned, but I was smiling and they both knew it.

“Fine,” Remus conceded, “But we’ll test your theory later, Anx.”

“Sounds like a plan,” he replied.

I shook my head as the two of them walked into the dining room Remus sticking his tongue out at his brother and Anxiety shoving him teasingly. They sat at the table, Anxiety helping Remus dish up a couple chicken strips and a handful of fries. I smiled as Remus already began devouring his food, making a face when he dipped his chicken in fish sauce, the smell of rotten fish floating up over the table and making us both gag and Remus laugh. Anxiety then got food for himself before turning to me, noting my empty plate with a frown.

“You gonna eat, Pops?” Anxiety asked.

 _Fuck._ “I… maybe in a little bit.”

He shot me a look.

“I’m just not that hungry right now, is all,” I explained, and he seemed to accept that excuse, although I could feel his eyes watching me carefully every now and then. _Stop, please. I’m fine. Don’t worry about me. You’re more important right now._

Remus didn’t seem to notice the tension in the room as he regaled the both of us on his battle from earlier, giving us all the gruesome details that neither of us wanted to know. Anxiety made a face as his brother described battling with a particularly angry manticore, explaining how he had managed to use its own spear to impale it in the throat before disemboweling it. I sighed, burying my face in my hands.

“Remus, you do realize we are trying to eat, correct?” I drawled, peeking up at him from between my fingers.

“Oh, sorry Pops,” the boy said, managing to look at least a little apologetic before going on to describe how the griffin had pinned him to the ground and dug its talons into his arm.

Anxiety groaned and I sighed once more, shaking my head at my son, a small smile on my face in spite of myself. Once they had finished eating, a plateful of chicken and fries left over for another meal, I stood and began cleaning up the table. Anxiety and Remus worked on the dishes, with the older of the sides washing and the younger drying. I couldn’t help but smile at them, seeing how they were already bonding and growing closer. _I’m proud of you, Anx. You’re an amazing big brother, just like I knew you would be._ After they finished, I spoke up.

“So, I was thinking,” I began.

“When aren’t you?” Anxiety smirked.

I made a face at him. “I was _thinking_ , we could really use some time to just sit down and get to know each other a bit better. So, why don’t we all sit in the living room and take turns asking each other questions?” I could see Anxiety tensing up and I quickly clarified, “If any of the questions hit a little too close to home or you are uncomfortable with answering it, you don’t have to. We aren’t trying to interrogate each other, just get to know everyone a bit better. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to keep certain things about yourself private,” I assured both of them.

Remus grinned widely, already rushing into the living room and leaping on the sofa, curling up with a blanket and waiting for us to join. Anxiety seemed somewhat uncomfortable with the situation but he, too, sat on the sofa with his brother, taking half of the blanket that Remus offered to share. I chose to relax in my reading chair, turning it to face the both of them and sitting with a book in my lap. I wasn’t planning on reading, it just made me feel better having something to fiddle with every now and then.

“So, who wants to start?” I asked.

“Me!” Remus exclaimed, bouncing up in his seat. “Me, me, me, me, me, me!”

“Okay, Remus,” I laughed, “Ask away.”

“Pops, how old are you?”

“'How old am I?'” I laughed again. “Why was _that_ your first question?”

“I dunno, it’s the first one that popped in my head. So?” he watched me in anticipation.

“I’m twenty six, Remus.”

“Wow,” his eyes widened, “No wonder you’re so wise!”

“Are you suggesting that I’m old?” I teased him.

“And so what if I am?” Remus stuck his tongue out at me.

“I hate to break it to you, but you are pretty old, Dee,” Anxiety agreed.

“Now you’re both teaming up on me? No fair!”

Anxiety and Remus exchanged a high five and I watched them, barely able to contain my grin. _They really are just like brothers._ Slouching over dramatically, I faked a pout and cried, “I can’t believe it! My own sons, turning against me! How can my old heart bear it?”

“It’s quite the conundrum. But Dee, I believe it’s your old heart’s turn to ask a question,” Anxiety replied, a smirk on his face.

“Alright. Remus, how old are you?”

“Seven, almost eight,” he replied. “Anxiety, how old are you?”

“Sixteen,” Anxiety replied before straightening and turning to me. “Now that we’ve gotten the easy questions out of the way, Deceit.”

“Yes?” I could feel my heart beat a little bit faster. _What’s he going to ask?_

“Did you know the lightsides before?”

I flinched at the question, and Remus looked between us in confusion. It felt like a slap to the face, and I was left reeling, unsure what to say or how to respond. _I… was not expecting him to ask about before. Where the hell did that come from anyway? He never seemed interested about stuff that happened before until now. God, what do I say? I can’t tell him too much, or else he’ll get concerned, or worse, he’ll go charging into the Lightside to attack Patton. God, now what?_

“Before?” Remus asked.

“Deceit was alive before the split. I was just wondering if he knew the lights before everything happened,” Anxiety shrugged.

“The split?” Remus’s eyes widened.

“Not your split, Remus. Anxiety’s referring to the split between the Lightside and the Darkside. You see, long before either of you existed, there was no divide between us and the lights. We were a part of one single mind palace and we lived in relative peace and harmony. We had the occasional argument every now and then, but we always worked through it together. That was back when Thomas was just a toddler, when everything was easy. But then parents, teachers, adults, they all began to tell Thomas that there were certain parts of his personality that were bad and that he shouldn’t use them anymore. These were the traits that would eventually become the darksides. Considering I am the oldest of the darksides and I’ve been around the longest, Anxiety was wondering how much I remember from back then, and whether I knew the lightsides before or not,” I swallowed hard, “and the answer is yes, I did know the lightsides before the split. They were… well, I thought they were my friends. My family. We were close back then, before everything became so complicated. And then…” I sighed, “One by one, they all turned against me and the other darksides. They began to treat us horribly, like we were evil, vile, malicious creatures that shouldn’t even exist. When the split happened, it was almost a blessing in disguise. I could protect the others much easier if we weren’t surrounded by people who hated us and wanted us eradicated from existence. The others were so young back then, I don’t think they would remember anything from back then. But I remember. There are some things that even time cannot erase.”

“I… I’m sorry, Dee. I shouldn’t have brought it up. I didn’t realize…” Anxiety stammered.

“It’s okay. If I was truly uncomfortable with sharing that information, I wouldn’t have said anything. Besides, that’s all in the past. We’re safe and happy and we have a real family now. That’s what really matters,” I assured him. “Remus, I’m curious. Do you have a pet?”

He frowned, his brow wrinkling in confusion. “A pet?”

“I’ll take that as a no,” I said with a slight laugh.

“Dee and I both have these pets that we can summon at will that can act as our eyes, our messengers, whatever we need them to do. Mine is a spider named Cessabit, and Dee has two snakes named Veritas and… I’m sorry, I always forget the other’s name,” Anxiety explained.

“Mendacium,” I supplied.

“Thank you. Anyway, these pets often have some sort of symbolism attached with our purpose, like how snakes are often meant to represent lies, but there are two because Dee represents duality. Mine isn’t as direct, but many people are afraid of spiders. So, I take it you don’t have a pet of your own?”

“I guess not,” Remus frowned.

“And that’s alright if you don’t, Remus. It’s not a testament to your strength or ability by any means. And it’s entirely possible that you do have a pet and you just haven’t figured out how to summon it yet. No worries,” I assured him.

“That’s true. I guess that’s something I’ll have to experiment with later,” he replied, a slight grin returning to his face. “Alright, it’s my turn. Um, Anxiety, what do you like to do besides work on art when you’re in your room?”

He shrugged. “It’s whatever, really. Sometimes I read, other times I write. Occasionally I listen to music or watch videos. There are times that I play video games and others I just lay on the floor and stare up at the ceiling. I guess it depends on how bad my anxiety is.”

“Wait!” Remus exclaimed, and we both looked to him in confusion in alarm.

“Er, yes, Remus?” I asked.

“Anxiety has anxiety, right?”

“Yeah,” he replied.

“And I have intrusive thoughts. Does that mean that Pops is a compulsive liar?”

“Uh... no?” I raised an eyebrow. “What’s this about intrusive thoughts?”

“Not important right now. So where does your trait come into play? From what I’ve seen, there’s usually some sort of disorder or something similar associated with each side’s trait that impacts their physical form,” Remus wondered aloud.

“That’s a good question,” Anxiety admitted, turning to me curiously. “So what’s the answer?”

“Uh, I’m not really sure. I mean, when someone tells lies, my snake eye will usually glow yellow, so I’m able to detect and separate truths from lies pretty accurately. I also suppose I’m better at lying than most. But I don’t think there’s a specific disorder that I have. Not one that I’ve noticed, at least,” I shrugged.

“Well, I’m gonna figure it out one of these days,” Remus insisted, his hands firmly planted on his hips, and I couldn’t help but laugh.

“You do that, bud. Now I believe it is Anxiety’s turn to ask a question.”

“Yes, it is. My question is for Remus. Do you miss your brother or the other lightsides?”

My eyes widened and I turned to Anxiety to scold him, my mind racing. _Why on earth would he ask such a question, and after Remus has only been here for a few days no less! He has to realize that the poor boy is probably still sensitive about that sort of topic! God, I hope he’s okay._

“Yes,” Remus said softly, his voice calm and certain. Both Anxiety and I whirled around to look at him. “Of course I miss them. They were my family, and while things weren’t always that great, I still have some fond memories there. Logan was always amazing. He got me when the other two never could. He never treated me like a burden or like I was a freak. And even Patton was okay most of the time. Roman,” his voice wavered slightly “was and will always be my brother. Even though he could be terrible sometimes, he’s still my other half and I love him. I just wish he had tried harder to understand me.” Remus’s gaze seemed distant for a moment before he shook his head and turned back to us, a sheepish smile on his face. “Sorry, I zoned out a bit there. Anyway, yeah I miss them. But I wouldn’t trade our family for the world. This is where I belong.”

Anxiety nodded slowly and I blinked back tears, hoping that neither of the others noticed. Laughing shakily, I said, “I think that’s enough questions for one night. How about we watch a few movies now, okay?” Remus looked like he was about to protest, so I assured him, “We’ll do this again soon, I promise, but I think it’s probably best if we take it easy for the rest of the night. It’s been a crazy day and we all deserve to just relax for a little while, don’t you think?”

“I guess,” Remus grumbled, and Anxiety nodded.

“Now, rock paper scissors for who gets to pick the first movie,” I said, and thus began the most intense game of rock paper scissors I had ever seen between my two sons as they went several rounds deep without a clear victor being declared. I watched in amusement as Remus finally won, whooping in victory and rushing to the cabinet where all our movies were kept, skimming through them before picking out a horror flick.

“Great,” Anxiety grumbled, but even I could see the slightest smile teasing at the corners of his lips as Remus put the movie in and curled up by his side. 

I moved my chair off to the side so we could all see the television screen and opened up my book, beginning to read through the next chapter as my sons enjoyed their movie. Remus laughed hysterically at all the jumpscares and freaky moments throughout the movie, and I wasn’t sure whether it was his brother’s maniacal laughter or the movie itself that scared Anxiety more. Either way, after the horror flick, Anxiety put in a comedy and both of them ended up laughing until they couldn’t breathe, tangled up in their blanket with tears streaming down their faces. Lastly, they picked a pixar movie to finish up the night, _Up_ I’m pretty sure, although I wasn’t really paying attention. When I glanced up from my book halfway through the movie, I saw that Anxiety was laying on the couch with Remus curled up against his side, fast asleep, and I couldn’t help but smile. _My boys. God, I love them so much._

Once the movie was over, I took Remus from Anxiety, managing to keep him from waking up, and carried him to my room. I was tempted to let him sleep in his own bed tonight, but I was pretty sure all the monster corpses were still littering his floor, and I figured it wouldn’t kill him to sleep with me one more night. He could clean up his room tomorrow and move back in then. Settling him down on my bed, I wrapped him up in a blanket and kissed his forehead before returning to the living room and turning the television off. Anxiety was already gone, probably off in his room asleep or doing something on his computer. Biting my lip, I decided to check on him before heading to bed myself, just to make sure he was alright in case of a panic attack. The last time I hadn’t checked on him was still fresh in my mind like an open wound.

Walking quietly down the halls of the Darkside, I found that I had arrived at Anxiety’s room in no time at all. Apparently the corridors were feeling generous for once. Knocking softly, I opened the door to find Anxiety was already fast asleep, sprawled across his bed and snoring softly. _Good. I know he was exhausted, even if he was trying to hide it from Remus._ Padding over to him, I brushed his bangs away from his forehead and pressed a kiss to his temple before making sure he had a blanket draped over his shoulders and leaving without a word.

Making my way back to my room, I changed into black pajama pants with little yellow snakes decorating them and a plush yellow hoodie. Curling up next to Remus, I closed my eyes and tried to fall asleep, but my mind was still racing with all the information I had learned during our discussion. Something about our conversation was still bothering me, and I shifted through my thoughts to try and find the cause of this strange irritation. I had thought that it might have been a result of finding out that Remus still missed the lightsides, but that didn’t bother me in the slightest. Heck, I still missed the lightsides now and then. No, it was the fact that Remus seemed to think I had some sort of disorder associated with my trait that caught me off-guard.

 _That’s silly, really. Of course I don’t have a disorder. I’m Deceit. I’m duality. I can’t have a disorder when I am balanced and my traits cancel each other out. But… maybe my disorder has nothing to do with lying. That’s not all I am, and if Remus can suffer from intrusive thoughts, I could be suffering from something more obscure. I just… wish I knew what._ Shivering, I pulled the blanket around me tighter and snuggled closer to Remus. One arm curled around him protectively as I closed my eyes and let myself drift off into an uneasy sleep, knowing that as soon as morning came the same difficult questions would still be awaiting answers and I would be forced to face some truths about myself that were less than pretty, but that was in the morning, and right now I was tired. So, shoving aside the troubling thoughts and questions for another time, I let out a weary sigh and let sleep take me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, another chapter. What can I say, I'm in the writing mood. I can't guarantee that I'm going to update this often all the time. I start online schooling next week so I will be a bit busier than I am right now. On the bright side, I have a whole host of chapters planned out, even if it's mostly just a skeletal outline rather than any super specific details, so I should be able to post pretty frequently as long as I can get my own Remus to cooperate. No guarantees, because he's a wily thing, but I'll try my best. Thank you all for reading and I hope you enjoy!
> 
> ~Your Fellow Fander


	7. Deceit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More angst, here we come.

My eyes skimmed through yet another online article, trying to hunt down any information that might ease my conscience. _Why is this so damn hard? It should be obvious, but I can’t find anything. God, can’t I just get a break?_ This was the third one in the past hour that I had found, and it didn’t look much more promising than the others.

“Borderline Personality Disorder, also known as BPD…” I mumbled, “Long-term pattern of unstable or turbulent emotions? Pathological lying and being deceitful are core characteristics of BPD and lies are typically told for personal profit and pleasure. But that doesn’t really sound like me,” I mused, “I may not be the most emotionally sound person, or the most honest, but I wouldn’t say my emotions are unstable. This… just doesn’t quite fit me. Well, it was worth a shot.”

Clicking out of that article, I skimmed through a few more but with no luck. _I guess my disorder isn’t related to lying after all. To be honest, I was kinda hoping it was. That would make things so much easier to understand, and to explain to the others. I just hope that whatever I have, it’s not bad. I’d hate to worry Anxiety and Remus any more than I already have._ Sighing, I tilted my head back and closed my eyes, my fingers rubbing my temple wearily as I tried to stave off a headache. _Third one this week,_ I thought, biting my lip. _I hope this is just because I didn’t get much sleep last night and not that there’s something seriously wrong with me. God, why are things so complicated? I just want to have a nice relaxing day for once, without having to worry about anything important. Is that too much to ask?_

There was a knock at my door. My eyes flickered open and I took in my rumpled, unkempt state. I was still in my pajamas, curled up with a blanket and a laptop in bed and I hadn’t moved at all for the past few hours. _Perfect time for company,_ I thought dryly. _Oh well, it’s not as if I really have time to fix anything anyway._

“Come in,” I called.

Anxiety walked in, looking concerned. “Hey Dee. You feeling alright?”

“Of course. I’m fine and dandy as always. Why do you ask?”

“Well, it’s nearly ten o’clock and-”

“Shit!” I leapt off the bed, rushing out the door with Anxiety following close behind. “I can’t believe I got so sidetracked! I need to make breakfast, and then get in the shower, and I need to help Remus clean up his room, and I can’t forget about helping you with-”

“Hey,” Anxiety placed a hand on my shoulder. “Just stop for a moment and breathe, Dee. Slow down. I already took care of breakfast. Remus, Jealousy, and I have all eaten. Remus’s room is already cleaned up. It only took a snap of his fingers and everything was taken care of. He’s in there now, taming his beasts and keeping his realm in line. My stuff can wait. It’s clear that you aren’t feeling well. Why don’t you go back to sleep for a little while? Rest will do you some good.”

I felt my shoulders sag. “I… I suppose you’re right. Thank you, Anxiety, for taking care of everything for me. I really appreciate the help. I… I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m not usually this careless and disorganized. I suppose I will retire to bed for a while longer, but do not expect me to sit around all day. I still have responsibilities to take care of.”

He smiled slightly. “I know, Dee. Now, let’s get you back to bed.”

“I don’t need an escort. I assure you, I know where my room is. But…” I hesitated a moment, “Could you please check on Remus every now and then and make sure that he hasn’t gotten in over his head? I know he said that his creatures were nothing he couldn’t handle, but…”

“I will. Don’t worry, Dee. Everything’s going to be fine. Now go rest.”

I watched Anxiety walk away, a smile still pasted on my face, but as soon as he was out of sight, I felt myself begin to crumble a bit. Wrapping my arms around my stomach, I shivered and made my way back to my room, content to hide under my blankets and pretend the outside world no longer existed. For a moment, it was just me curled up in the warm embrace of my bed, and no pain or disappointment could touch me. But I knew I couldn’t live in denial forever. Slowly, the cold, sickly feeling in my heart returned, and the thought that I had tried again and again to shove out of my head returned. _They… they didn’t need me at all._

I knew it was stupid. I knew it was ridiculous and selfish and vain, but it… hurt. It hurt just a little to know that my sons would be just fine without me there to help them and provide for them. I knew I should be proud that they were so self-sufficient and independent that they could take care of themselves. I knew that this was just my insecurities talking and I needed to get a grip, grow up, and move on. They weren’t going to need me forever. I shouldn’t expect them to always rely on me for every little thing. But it still hurt, and I didn’t know why.

I didn’t cry. I wanted to. Of course I wanted to. But I wouldn’t let myself do it, wouldn’t let myself break down over something so stupid and inane. _Oh my God, Dee, get a grip! You’re fine. Everything’s fine! This is a normal part of growing up. You can’t expect them to need you all the time. You can’t expect them to remain helpless little kids for you to baby just because you have trouble letting go of the past. Stop only thinking about yourself for once! Think about them! They need to be independent and take care of themselves in case you aren’t always around. This is normal! This is good! So… why doesn’t it feel good?_

Growling in frustration, I flopped head first onto my pillow and laid there for a moment, refusing to move. I don’t know what I was trying to accomplish. The pillow wasn’t going to muffle or drown out my thoughts. It wasn’t going to make me feel any better. But it was the only thing I could think to do, and for some reason, I did feel just the slightest bit better. Sitting up, I sighed wearily, knowing I wasn’t going to be getting any more sleep. My mind was far too active for that. Bringing out my laptop once again, I clicked on the search bar and hesitated before typing in ‘most common mental disorders’. _I will figure this out, I thought, my jaw tightening as my fingers tangled in the pile of blankets on my lap. Not for me, but for my boys. I can’t help them and take care of them if I’m being held back by some sort of disorder. Maybe if I understand what’s wrong with me, I can stop worrying about myself and being distracted by things that don’t matter and be able to do more for them. I will figure this out. No matter how long it takes._

Sitting in my reading chair, I flipped through my book, one I had read numerous times before, my eyes flitting up every now and then to make sure Anxiety and Remus were behaving. They had been playing video games together for the past hour, an activity that I had little interest in, but if it meant they were bonding then I was happy. I had been forced to give up my online search around eleven thirty. I needed to get in the shower and get ready for the day so I could make lunch for everyone and visit Jealousy. 

The visit, like all visits prior, was exhausting, physically and emotionally, and afterwards I had figured that taking a break to read in the living room would be a wise decision. Besides, it meant I could keep an eye on my sons, which was even more of a priority after missing out on spending time with them all morning. If Remus had noticed my absence or thought it odd, he didn’t say anything, but every now and then I would see Anxiety’s eyes flicker over to me in concern. _Damn it._ I didn’t want him to worry about me. I was fine. I was more worried about the both of them, making sure they were okay and everything was still going smoothly. It had been a while since Anxiety’s last attack and I knew a big one was coming, likely to strike when we least expected it. It was only a matter of time.

I had been mostly tuning out their conversation, which contained mostly threats as they raced each other around the track, their vehicles battering each other with weapons of every kind imaginable. It seemed like the normal brotherly teasing that one would expect from two siblings playing a game together, and therefore it was none of my concern. But suddenly the game was paused and I looked up to find Anxiety staring at Remus, wide-eyed and disgusted, his brother watching him with a huge grin on his face.

“My God. What the hell?” Anxiety made a face. “Slow down there, psycho. That was not called for.”

Remus smirked. “What’s wrong emo? Can’t handle the heat?”

“Excuse me?!” Anxiety looked like he was about to smack his brother across the face. “The hell did you call me?”

I shot Remus a look. “Apologize. Now.”

He shrugged, completely and utterly unapologetic. “Well, am I wrong?”

“That’s it! Get back here you little rat!” Anxiety bellowed.

I watched, unsure whether to be concerned or amused, as Remus sprinted out of the room, laughing maniacally as Anxiety chased after him, only a few feet behind at all times. I could hear their voices echoing down the hallways of the Darkside, the younger side shouting insults and teasing his brother, who it appeared was not able to catch up to the mischievous side. Shaking my head, I figured I’d let the two of them settle this disagreement on their own. After all, I couldn’t be expected to solve all their conflicts, and to be frank, I didn’t really want to have to step in the middle of the two of them. I had a feeling that if I did, I would only be putting myself in danger, and I wasn’t really in the mood to risk getting hurt.

However, I was beginning to rethink my decision after nearly an hour of hearing their arguing and screaming. _Do they ever shut up?_ I wondered, struggling to block out their shouts but to no avail. Sighing, I stood and walked to my room, figuring that at least in there it would be quiet. My eyes flickered to my computer before I shook my head. _I am not spending all day trying to figure out what disorder I might have when I might not even have one to begin with! Remus may be smart for his age but he is not all knowing, and I have more important things to do than sit around and worry myself silly over the musings of a child!_

Instead, I decided to reorganize my bookshelf. An activity that was, in reality, pretty useless and was merely to distract myself for the time being, but a rather enjoyable activity nonetheless. Choosing to go for a more aesthetic-centric organizational pattern, I put the books in color order instead of by the genre or name of the author. I had read each of the books enough to know which book came first in a series, and I knew I wouldn’t have any trouble finding the books either. I had each of the spines memorized a while back for simplicity’s sake anyway. 

I was halfway through the green books when I heard a knock at my door, and for a moment I was tempted to ignore it. _Whoever it is can come back later. I’m not in the mood to deal with any more idiocy anyway._ But the knocking continued, and it sounded a bit more urgent. I felt my resolve soften in spite myself. _Curse my oversized heart._ Grumbling, I got to my feet and opened the door, finding both of my sons standing at the doorway.

Blinking at them, I found myself instinctively assessing them for injuries, which I found quite easily, as there was an abundance of them. Anxiety had three deep cuts on his cheek and a bruise at his temple, limping slightly as blood dripped from his right knee. Remus, however, was in far worse shape, even worse than he had been in the day before. His forehead was bleeding from a huge open wound above his left eye, the blood streaming down his face and staining the collar of his green t-shirt. Remus’s nose was bent at an odd angle and was bleeding profusely. He had bruises everywhere, and it became increasingly clear to me by the awkward positioning of his right arm that it was broken. His left hand was pressed discreetly on his torso, likely over an injury that he didn’t want me to see, and his ankle was beginning to swell from what was probably a sprain. In spite of their injuries and the fact that they were both in a tremendous amount of pain, they both fixed me with their best smiles, the effect ruined just a bit by the fact that Anxiety’s lip was busted open and bleeding. I raised an eyebrow, unamused.

“Heya Pops,” Remus grinned, still his normal chipper self in spite of whatever had happened. “Mind patching us up?”

I sighed. “I suppose if I have no other choice.”

Leading them into my room, I had one sit on my bed and wait while the other joined me in the bathroom. Remus insisted his brother go first, and Anxiety agreed after a moment of arguing back and forth between the two of them. I leaned against the wall, waiting wearily as Anxiety walked into the bathroom and sat on the edge of the tub. I cleaned his wounds quickly, disinfecting them and bandaging him up with little difficulty. Anxiety stood to leave and I grabbed him by the arm, forcing him to look me in the eye.

“I expect an explanation, and it better be damn good,” I hissed.

Anxiety shrugged sheepishly. “Our play fighting got a little out of hand. Sorry, Pops.”

I buried my face in my hands. “You two will be the death of me, I swear.”

“Now don’t say that, Dee,” Anxiety pleaded before his tone became more teasing, “You’re old age is more likely to kill you than we are.”

“Out!” I commanded and Anxiety left, chuckling to himself as he stopped to ruffle Remus’s hair before exiting my room. He knew I wasn’t nearly as upset as I was trying to appear, and I hated that he knew me so well. _Pretentious asshole._

“Remus, it’s your turn!” I called, and he scurried into the bathroom, his megawatt smile unaffected by any of the pain he must have been in.

He sat down on the edge of the tub without any prompting, watching me with a grin as I got the materials ready. “This brings back memories,” he remarked cheerfully.

“Memories I was hoping wouldn’t repeat so soon,” I replied, giving him a look.

He merely shrugged. “Can’t help it, Pops. I’m like a trouble magnet. It shows up without me even trying.”

“I’m pretty sure this was avoidable.”

“Eh, you’re probably right about that. I might’ve pushed the emo’s buttons a bit too far,” he chuckled, “But did you see the look on his face?”

“I did. And I heard the arguing, and the screaming, and the fighting. Couldn’t not hear it, with how loud you two were,” I said mildly.

Remus sighed. “I’m sorry, Pops. I shouldn’t have started the fight. I promise I’ll try to stay out of trouble from now on.”

“You don’t need to promise me anything, Remus,” I sighed.

“Really?” He looked surprised.

“I know you’ll break it within a day anyway. But please, try to avoid getting hurt the best you can. I don’t want this to become a habit,” I said, motioning to his numerous injuries.

“Alright, Pops. I’ll try. I promise.”

“Good.”

I began to work on his injuries, saving his arm for last because I knew it would be the most difficult. I didn’t have the materials necessary to construct a proper cast, but I knew as long as I set it properly Remus could go to his room and heal up there, so I wasn’t too concerned. Starting with his head and working my way through all the scrapes and bruises methodically, I felt Remus’s watchful eyes on me as he sat quietly. He was surprisingly patient, staying still so I could address all the wounds that he had sustained, and I was proud of him. I knew it probably took a large amount of restraint to keep himself steady.

Finishing with all of his smaller wounds, I then turned my attention to his arm. The bone hadn’t punctured through the skin, thank goodness, and from what I could tell the break wasn’t severe. As I dug through my medicine cabinet, I couldn’t help but wish that we had some sort of doctor we could go to instead of just me. I wasn’t exactly qualified to deal with this sort of thing, and while I knew what I was doing and Remus was going to be fine, it made things so much more difficult and stressful than they needed to be. Rolling up his sleeve, I worked to straighten his arm out, feeling for the point where the bones came together and making sure that they were aligned. Remus seemed fascinated with my process, watching as I took out a length of wire and placed it against his arm, asking him to hold it there while I found some gauze. He did as he was told without a word, and I quickly grabbed the materials needed for the makeshift cast. I bound his arm tightly, double checking to make sure everything was aligned and all was well. Once I had finished, I was about to stand and tell Remus to spend some time in his room and let his wounds heal when my eyes caught sight of the scars on his wrists from the day I met him. My fingers absentmindedly traced the lines on his pale skin and I felt Remus flinch at the contact. I pulled away quickly, realizing my mistake.

“I-I’m sorry, Remus. I didn’t mean to-” I began.

“I stopped, Pops. Just like I promised,” he said softly.

“I know, and I’m very proud of you,” I assured him. “I just… I know Anxiety and I both promised to respect you and your boundaries and that you don’t have to tell us anything about your past.... But I can’t help but wonder…” I trailed off.

Remus grinned weakly. “Not… not tonight, Pops. I promise I’ll tell you everything when I’m ready but just… not right now.”

“I understand.”

I stood quickly, masking my face into a smile, although I knew Remus wasn’t convinced in the least. Everything inside of me wanted to break down, but I refused to let it. _Not right now. Not while he’s watching. Get a grip, Dee. You’re fine. Everything’s fine._ Steeling myself, I took a deep breath and turned away from my son.

“Pops, I-”

“I suppose it’s about time I went to make supper. Remus, it’s probably best if you rest in your room until it’s time to eat. Your injuries will need time to heal.”

“Wait. Pops-”

But I had already turned away, already walked out of the bathroom as quickly as I could without running. I could feel Remus’s sad eyes on my back the entire time, but I refused to turn around. I couldn’t. I couldn’t let him see the pain in my eyes or the frown on my face, couldn’t let him witness the way my hands were trembling and tears were gathering in the corners of my eyes. Even though I so desperately wanted to turn around and smile and tell Remus I was alright and that everything was fine, I couldn’t. Everything was not fine, and if he had seen my face, he would have known it. So I forced myself to keep moving forward without a word, knowing in my heart that I was hurting him while doing so. But I couldn’t help it. The one thing I would never allow was letting my sons see me cry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was lots of fun to write. If you guys haven't noticed by now, I really enjoy writing emotionally charged chapters that allow some character growth. And I just like writing chapters that allow me to tear all my favorite characters to pieces. It's all the same thing, really. Anyway, I hope you enjoyed!
> 
> ~Your Fellow Fander


	8. Anxiety

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Welp.... have fun everyone.

I found Remus in his room, laying on the floor and staring at the ceiling, his arms and legs splayed out around him like a starfish. Flopping down next to him, I gazed up at the ceiling, admiring the mural that had been meticulously painted on the ceiling. It looked like some sort of witch trial, with people being drowned alive, hung, burned at the stake, all in photo realistic detail that would have made most people sick, but I found it rather fascinating. I glanced away for a moment to tell Remus so, but when I looked back a new scene was unfolding before me, the crucifixion of Christ, I believed.

“Impressive wall art,” I commented.

Remus grunted, not even bothering to glance my way.

“Hey,” I nudged him with my hip, “What’s up? Is something wrong?”

“I think I broke him,” he said, his voice so soft that I could barely hear him.

“What was that? ‘Broke him’? Who?” Now I was beginning to feel alarmed.

“Pops. He just looked so… sad. I feel terrible.”

“What happened?”

“I… I don’t really wanna talk about it, Anx. I just… I wish I felt more comfortable sharing stuff with him. I know he’s really worried about me, and I know he isn’t going to get upset with me or anything, but I just can’t bring myself to tell him about my past. I just… I’m not ready yet.”

“And that’s okay,” I assured him, sitting up and turning towards him. “It took me ages to really begin to open up to Dee, and he raised me. Believe me, it’s okay to keep some things to yourself and not want to tell your whole life story at once. It’s completely normal to feel that way.”

“But… he looked so… pained. Like I had _hurt_ him. I didn’t mean to, I really didn’t.” Remus sounded so scared and sad that it broke my heart.

“Ree, look at me.”

He sat up and did as he was told, tears shining in his eyes all the while.

“Dee is…” I sighed, “He’s been through a lot in the past. Even I don’t know the full details, but I know someone hurt him really bad and now he’s… scared. He’s scared that we don’t trust him, that we don’t love him, that we’re going to hurt him or even worse, leave him. And that fear can manifest itself in many different ways that we don’t really understand. He’s so protective of us because he doesn’t want us to feel the same pain he felt. He’s lost so much, Ree. I’m not really supposed to tell you this, but there were once a lot more darksides than there are now.”

“What happened to them?” Remus asked, his eyes wide.

“I… I can’t tell you that yet, Ree. Just… trust me when I say that Dee works really hard to keep us safe, but he’s not perfect. He’s under a lot of stress and he needs us to be patient with him as he tries to sort everything out. He’ll tell you everything when he feels you’re ready, but for right now you just need to wait.”

“O-okay. But Anx?”

“Yeah?”

“Who hurt Pops so bad anyway?”

I sighed. “I wish I knew so I could beat the shit out of them. Whoever it was, they really broke him. Dee acts like he’s invincible, Remus, but deep down he’s just as vulnerable as the rest of us. He tries to be strong for us, but he can’t take care of everything on his own. Remus, I’m not asking you to try and save the world, or even for you to act like you’re okay when you’re not, but could you try to be strong for him? Just a little bit? It’s okay if you’re not strong all the time, but he really needs our help, Ree. He can’t do this alone.”

“Of course.”

“Thank you. Now, how’s your arm?”

He bent it experimentally, “Not completely healed, but it’s getting there. I should probably keep the cast on for a while longer.”

I rubbed the back of my neck sheepishly. “I’m really sorry about that. I didn’t mean for things to go that far.”

Remus waved it off. “Don’t worry about it. It was fun wrestling and play fighting with you, even if we went a bit too far. Next time we’ll just have to be more careful." He stood and stretched like a cat, a yawn escaping his throat. Remus excused himself to change into an outfit that wasn’t covered in bloodstains, and I watched him go with a slight smile on my lips.

“Next time,” I murmured, feeling the hope and joy that came with that phrase. _He’s not angry at me for hurting him or upset that I got carried away. He wants to do it again one day._

Once Remus returned, wearing jeans, a t-shirt, and gloves that went halfway up his arm, covering his wrists, I noted, he took my hand in his and the two of us walked to the dining room, where we knew dinner would be waiting. He seemed to be in a much better mood after my reassurances, and I was glad. _I hate it when Remus is sad. It’s like kicking a fucking puppy and then leaving it alone for an hour. Or tossing a kitten out in the cold to freeze to death._

The smell of freshly made pasta greeted us as we stepped into the dining room, making my mouth water and my heart soar. _I love pasta. How does Dee always know what I need before I know it myself?_ But my heart soon came crashing to the ground at the realization that our father figure was nowhere to be seen. The table was set with two plates, one for me and the other for Remus, and I couldn’t help but feel concerned. _Is this because of the shit Remus was talking about? I really hope not. I hate it when Dee gets like this. Hopefully he’s just off visiting Jealousy and will come back smiling and happy like nothing’s wrong._ But I knew in my heart that I didn’t believe that bullshit for a second. Deceit may be with Jealousy, but he most certainly wasn’t going to come back smiling. Especially not with Jealousy being in as bad of shape as he was.

“Where’s Pops?” Remus asked in confusion as he sat down at the table.

“Busy, I suppose.”

“But he always eats with us, or at least sits with us while we eat,” he protested.

“He didn’t always do that, Ree. He just started when you came here, actually. Probably to help you get acquainted with everything. Now that you feel comfortable in your surroundings I guess things are going back to normal,” I replied with a shrug.

“Why didn’t he ever eat with you before? Does he even eat at all?”

“Yes, he eats. Dee just usually eats later is all. He has things to take care of during every meal.”

“Like what?” Remus demanded.

_Shit. Now what? I can’t tell him the truth. Dee will flip if I do. But I can’t just lie to his face. What exactly do I say? He’s guarding a prisoner? He’s traveling abroad? It’s not as if we do much, and I don’t think Dee’s ever mentioned his work to Remus, so I can’t really use that as an excuse either. Fuck. Why did the bastard have to choose now of all times to vanish? He had to know that I would be the one stuck with all the questions, and I’m not nearly as good at coming up with lies on the spot as he is. And now Remus is just staring at me. Great._

I sighed. “Look, I haven’t gotten the okay from Dee to tell you about that stuff yet, Ree.”

That didn’t seem to dissuade Remus in the slightest. In fact, he seemed even more determined to get an answer from me. “Tell me! You can trust me. I’m not gonna freak out or anything. Why is it such a big deal anyway?”

“It’s not. I just… Dee doesn’t think you’re ready to know this stuff yet,” I said, beginning to dish up our pasta noodles for the both of us.

“If it’s not a big deal then why not tell me? You know I won’t stop asking until you tell me. I’m a lot more stubborn than you think and I don’t give up easily,” he insisted. _This kid. I love him, but damn._

“Oh my God, Remus. Just shut up. I’m not going to tell you,” I groaned.

“Tell me.”

“No.”

I ladled marinara sauce on my pasta before passing the bowl to Remus.

“Tell me.”

“No.”

He poured sauce for himself before adding pickles and peanut butter to the mixture. I gagged in disgust.

“Tell me.”

“No.”

I sprinkled on some mozzarella and parmesan cheese on my pasta and mixed it up. Twirling a forkful of pasta, I blew on it before taking a bite.

“Tell me.”

“No.”

Remus didn’t even bother to wait for his to cool, instead taking a massive bite and smearing marinara sauce all over his face, as well as chunks of peanut butter.

“Tell me.”

“No.”

Going to the fridge, I pulled out a coke and opened it, the pop of the seal loud in the quiet, as was the hiss of air that I let escape before taking a sip. Grabbing a glass, I filled it with ice and my soda and then sat back down.

“Tell me.”

“No.”

He took a huge bite of garlic bread before dipping it in his disgusting mixture of sauce and toppings, crunching loudly. I glared at him. He glared back.

“Tell me!”

“Fine! Damn. You are by far the most annoying kid I’ve ever met,” I cried, throwing my hands up in the air.

“Thank you,” he said smugly.

I sighed. “Dee has to go check on Jealousy and bring him his food every meal.”

Remus’s eyes lit up. “Who’s Jealousy?”

“Another darkside.”

“Can I meet him?”

“Only when Dee thinks you’re ready.”

“Why does Pops need to bring him his meals?”

“He’s…” I hesitated. _How much should I tell him? How much_ can _I tell him?_

“Fading,” a voice finished.

We both turned to see a dark figure stroll in from down the hall before stepping into the light. It was Deceit, of course, but the sight of him alone was nearly enough to make me gasp in alarm. He looked incredibly disheveled, which was unlike him. His hair was a tangled mess, his hat on crooked, and his clothes looked wrinkled and worn. The chain of his caplet was twisted and caught on the button of his yellow dress shirt. That wasn’t what caught me off-guard, though. At least, not really. 

I wasn’t sure if it was how pale he was, his normally tan skin so white his face nearly blended in with the fog that drifted in from behind him, or if it was the dark circles ringing his bloodshot eyes that were what really scared me. He looked as if he’d been crying for hours and hadn’t gotten a good night’s sleep in several days, and that was being generous. In short, I probably would have been less concerned if he told me he had been hit by a truck on his way into the kitchen. _Holy shit. God. What happened, Dee? I thought you were doing better. I thought we were passed this. I thought Remus was helping. What happened to make you so sad? Please, tell me what’s wrong. I want to help you, Pops. But you have to let me._

I watched in concern as he walked not to the table to join us, but to the wine cabinet that was collecting dust in the corner. My eyes widened as he pulled out a bottle and poured himself a glass of wine, spilling some on the counter as his hands shook slightly. _Dee never drinks. It always gives him a migraine. God, what’s going on? Things haven’t been this bad in a long time._

“‘Fading’?” Remus asked, his voice loud in the suffocating silence that hung over all of our shoulders, stifling us in its tense embrace.

Dee settled at the table, taking a sip of wine before replying. “Remus, how much do you know about the split?”

“Not much,” he admitted. “Just what you told me, really.”

“That’s alright. I can explain it rather simply. Each side has a purpose, a reason for existing. Their purpose is to fulfil a certain role or job for Thomas in order for him to have a particular personality trait. Besides simply existing, we must complete our jobs in order for our function and purpose to be fulfilled. For some of us, our job is simply to hold sway over Thomas, to ensure that he listens to us and follows our direction when necessary. For others, we must go to a certain place in the mind palace and fulfil specific duties that help Thomas function as a person. And for those like you, you have your own realm that you must run in order for your purpose to be fulfilled. However, have you ever stopped to wonder what would happen if you ceased to do your job, fulfil your purpose? What would happen if your influence in Thomas’s head became smaller and smaller until it ceased to exist entirely?”

“I…” Remus paused, his voice shaking slightly. “I never really thought about it before, no.”

“When a side can no longer fulfil their purpose for any reason, they begin to fade. It starts slow, they become weaker, unable to do some of the things they once could. Soon, they begin to feel sick. The room begins to spin around them every time they try to stand, and suddenly they are bedridden, unable to provide for themselves. Then their physical forms begin to fade. It is as if they are losing pieces of themselves bit by bit, their very being torn apart before your eyes. Their skin becomes see-through, their color leaches from their face, their clothes, and finally, their eyes. Then they are barely there at all, an apparition, a ghost of their former selves. They cling to life, cling to existence, but it’s in vain. And do you know what happens next?”

Remus shook his head, although by the look on his face he had a vague idea, and he didn’t seem all too eager to find out the truth. I wanted to tell Deceit to stop, that Remus wasn’t ready to learn this and that we could wait until another time, but I couldn’t seem to open my mouth. It was like I was hypnotized, trapped in a trance. We both leaned forward in spite of ourselves, drawn in by Deceit’s words as he wove the story into the air, so real we could practically see it in our minds. So real we could practically feel it happening to our own bodies as he spoke.

“They die,” he said, his voice cold, emotionless. “They fade until they are nothing but empty shells and then they disappear entirely, as if they had never existed. And the only part of them that lives on is the memories they shared with those who loved them, and even then, those begin to fade over the years until there is nothing left. Everything, in the end, fades and disappears, leaving you grasping at thin air, begging the ones you love to return to you, to stay by your side, only to be forced to let them go. There’s nothing you can do, once the fade starts. Nothing but watch it take them from you, permanently.”

I felt my breathing begin to speed up a bit, shivering at the finality of it all. Remus began to cry, tears streaming down his face as he watched our father with wide eyes. Deceit looked haunted, his eyes staring through us as he took another sip of wine. I could tell that he was seeing Hatred and Jealousy in his mind as he spoke, watching as one faded and the other began to follow, only a few years later. His hands trembled as he set the wine glass down.

“And do you know who’s fault it is? Do you know who causes the fade in the first place?” Deceit asked, turning to Remus.

He shook his head quickly, choking back his sobs as he crumbled in on himself.

“Dee, stop! You’re scaring him!” I cried.

He didn’t seem to hear me, nor did he hear Remus’s cries. Deceit was trapped in the past, his eyes only saw his family slowly dying before him as he struggled and failed to save them. Watching them fading into nothingness. One. By. One.

“It’s because of Morality.”

Remus’s head shot up and I saw fear growing in his eyes.

Deceit smiled, but it was a cold, broken smile. “He is the cause of the fade. He takes sides who he deems to be bad for Thomas, useless to keep around, and he breaks them. He strips them of their power, of their influence, and watched them frantically scramble to try and keep themselves alive, to keep doing their job and fulfilling their purpose. But it’s no use. Once he picks a side and decides it’s time to get rid of them, there’s nothing you can do but watch as they crumble to dust before your very eyes. Nothing you can do as you watch your family fade and die all around you, wondering why you’re still alive and wishing you weren’t so the pain will just go away. But it never goes away, and you start to wonder why you even try.”

“No,” Remus breathed.

“Remus,” I began.

“No. No, it can’t be. No, no, no.” His fingers tangled in his hair, his breathing becoming more erratic.

“Remus, it’s okay. Calm down,” I cried.

“Nonononononononono.” He curled into a tight ball, trembling and crying, his breathing coming in short gasps as he began to claw at his arms, his gloves off in an instant, scratching hard enough to draw blood.

“Remus!”

I shot out of my chair and rushed over to him, kneeling in front of him and watching helplessly, unsure what to do. I didn’t want to hurt him, but I had to stop him from scratching himself. I tried to calm him down and reason with him, but he didn’t seem to hear me. I turned to the only other person I knew who could help.

“Deceit!”

My voice seemed to startle him out of his daze, life flaring back into his eyes as he took in the scene before him. He was by Remus’s side in an instant, kneeling before him, and I stood back, letting him do his thing. _If anyone can help, it’s Dee._

“Remus, can you hear me?” he asked.

“Nononono. I can’t. I can’t fade. I can’t fade away. Please. Please don’t let me fade. Don’t let me turn to dust. Please, I don’t wanna die. I don’t wanna go. Please! Please, please, please, please, please,” the boy cried, trembling so badly that it made me feel sick.

“Remus, can I touch you? Is that okay?” Deceit tried again, and Remus jerked his head once in agreement.

I watched as Deceit pulled up a chair next to Remus and took the boy in his arms. Dee held him close, methodically pinning his arms down in his firm, unyielding embrace. Running his hands through Remus’s hair and rubbing slow circles into his back, Dee murmured reassurances against his temple as Remus sobbed, clinging to him tight. The two rocked back and forth for a while, Deceit repeatedly telling Remus that he wasn’t going to fade, that he would protect him and make sure he was safe, and Remus simply crying on his father’s arm, seeking the comfort only Dee could provide, his arms hanging uselessly at his side. 

Feeling helpless to do anything, I watched them, knowing that there wasn’t much I could do but still feeling guilty. _God, just please let Remus be okay. Please, please, please let him calm down and everything go back to normal._ I felt sick watching trickles of blood streaking red trails down his arms and dripping to the floor, and I figured that cleaning up his arms was the least I could do. Soaking a towel in warm water, I washed his arms and bandaged them. Remus didn’t flinch once, and I wasn’t even sure he had noticed what I had done in the first place. He seemed really out of it, his eyes going in and out of focus as he sat in Deceit’s lap and leaned into his warm embrace. 

Dee pressed a kiss to Remus’s forehead, murmuring “As long as I’m alive, as long as I have breath left in my lungs, I will make sure nothing will ever hurt you ever again. You will not fade, not as long as I’m here. I promise.”

Remus took a shuddering breath before nodding.

“I’m sorry I scared you. I didn’t mean to. I wasn’t thinking. But Remus, you can’t fade. Do you know why?”

“No,” came a soft whisper, muffled against Dee’s shirt.

“You and your brother are connected. If Patton hurts you, he hurts Roman. He doesn’t want Roman to fade, so he can’t touch you. You’re safe.”

Remus managed a small nod.

“Do you know why else you can’t fade?”

“N-no. Why?”

“Because I would destroy the unlucky bastard that dared to lay a finger on you, that’s why.”

Remus giggled before nuzzling against Dee sleepily, his eyes slipping shut. “Thanks Pops. I love you.”

Deceit pressed another kiss to his temple as the tension left Remus’s face and he fell asleep. “I love you too, son.”

I watched them both with a slight smile on my face, feeling all the fear and panic that I had bottled inside release as I let out the breath I’d been holding. _He’ll be okay. Dee’s got him. Everything will be okay._

He scooped Remus up in his arms, careful to not wake him, and the two retreated to Dee’s room. I stared after them for a moment, my mind straying here and there before I realized that it was late and I should really get to bed myself. The walk to my room was almost painful, and it took me a moment to work up the courage to even open the door. Every fiber of my being wanted to knock on Dee’s bedroom door and ask if I could stay with them, but I knew that he had enough to worry about as it was. Besides, I was sixteen and I couldn’t go running to Dee every time I needed something. I needed to be self-reliant, and that began with being strong enough to sleep alone at night. Changing into my pajamas, I crawled into bed and spent a few agonizing minutes tossing and turning, unable to calm my racing mind. _Screw it. Self-reliance be damned, I need Dee._

Tossing my covers aside, I grabbed a blanket and a spare pillow before making my way to Deceit’s room, my bare feet warm against the frigid flagstones below. Once I arrived at his door, I knocked and heard a soft “Come in” before stepping inside. Dee was lying in bed, Remus sleeping curled up against his side, his arm wrapped around him protectively. He blinked up at me, his face slightly flushed from the alcohol, but his eyes crystal clear as he watched me knowingly.

“Dee… I, I was wondering if… if I could stay with you and Remus tonight. I know I’m getting a bit old for this, and I know it’s stupid, but… I just… I really don’t wanna be alone right now.”

Before I knew it, Deceit was shifting over so I could lie down next to Remus, a small knowing smile on his face. “Of course, son. All you had to do was ask.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! I know this chapter was... well, it was a lot, but I hope you're still enjoying this story and are excited as I am about whatever comes next. These next few chapters are going to be one punch in the gut after the other, so I'm sorry in advance. Anyway, I hope you enjoy, and more chapters will be out soon!
> 
> ~Your Fellow Fander


	9. Deceit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Deceit, Anxiety, and Remus pay a visit to their fellow darkside. In other words, have a bit of lore!

Darkness. When I opened my eyes all I saw was darkness. Then, pain. Pain flaring in my eyes, making me see colored spots dancing in my vision. Pain pounding in the back of my head like someone had taken a sledge hammer to it. Pain traveling from my temple all around my skull until all I wanted was to crawl under the covers and close my eyes until it all went away. But there was nowhere to go. Remus was practically laying on top of me at this point, pinning me down and keeping me from going anywhere, and as much as I wanted to get up and deal with the issue before it got worse, I couldn’t bear to disturb my son. Laying back, I closed my eyes and sighed before glancing around the room wearily.

The space on the other side of the bed was empty. Anxiety must have left sometime in the middle of the night. I figured he was probably out for a morning jog, as was his practice these days. His anxiety kept him from getting more than a couple hours of sleep at a time, so he usually tried to burn off some energy and distract himself. I hoped he was feeling alright and this was just his normal amount of anxiety and not anything major. He was due for a pretty bad attack any day now, but I was hoping that it would wait a little while longer. Anxiety had enough going on in his life without adding anything else on top of it. _To be honest, I’m still surprised he adjusted to all these recent changes so well. He’s never really been one to like when there’s a ton of new stuff happening, but he’s doing really well. He’s grown so much so quickly. I’m proud of him._

Glancing down at my other son, I couldn’t help but smile in spite of the pain. He was sprawled across the bed, his head resting on my chest, snoring softly in the quiet of the room. His curly hair was once again covering his eyes and I gently reached over and brushed it away from his face, admiring how his eyelashes left a shadow on his cheek and his lips were curled up in a slight grin as he slept, dreaming about another world full of danger and adventure no doubt. I sighed again, weighing my options. _I really need to get some headache medicine before this turns into a full-blown migraine, but Remus had a really rough day yesterday and he could use the rest. I hate seeing him so… broken. It’s terrifying, and I was only barely able to calm him down. If I hadn’t been so stupid and blind I would have known not to bring up such topics in front of him. Of courses he was bound to be scared! Stupid, so very stupid._

Closing my eyes, I knew that I had already made my choice. I couldn’t bear to wake Remus, and there was no reason to get up at this point. I already had a headache, there was no use trying to fight the inevitable. Today was going to be a long, painful day.

The door creaked open, and I hissed in pain, ducking my head instinctively.

“Sorry!” came a hushed cry, and in an instant Anxiety was by my side, placing some pills and a glass of water in my hands.

I took them gratefully, swallowing the pills and taking a drink before setting the cup on my nightstand. Closing my eyes, I felt the medicine kick in and let out a quiet sigh of relief. “Thank you, Anxiety. I really appreciate the help,” I murmured, speaking soft as to not wake the sleeping boy on my chest. _He always knows what I need, sometimes even before I know I need it._

“What’s wrong, Dee?” Anxiety’s voice came floating towards me, quiet and concerned. I felt his weight settle at the foot of the bed as my heart began to race.

_He knows. Well obviously he knows. Anxiety isn’t stupid. You came home from Jealousy’s looking like you were hit by a truck, you sat at the table and drank alcohol, and then you went on a long tangent about the fade, and you expect that he won’t be suspicious that something’s wrong! Idiot! Now what are you gonna do? Tell him the truth? And what then? What’s he going to do to fix any of that? Most of it’s in the past. There’s nothing to be done. You’ll just be burdening him with more of your pathetic bullshit for no reason. You can’t tell him about that train wreck, that’s for sure. So what are you gonna say to make him feel better? What can you confide in him about that won’t hurt him more in the process? Nothing. You’re trapped, you stupid, weak, pathetic bastard. You’re trapped and there’s nothing you can do about it._

“I… I’m not really sure. It’s hard to explain. I just… I’m really worried about Jealousy, I guess. He’s gotten so much worse, Anx. He’s practically see-through. I don’t know how much longer he’s going to last. And that added onto all the stress,” I sighed. “I’m just a mess. I’m sorry I keep worrying you. I don’t mean to. I know you have enough going on without having to deal with any more of my bullshit.”

“Shut up.”

“What?” I blinked at him.

“Just shut up. You’re not burdening me or bothering me with your problems, Dee. If I didn’t want to know, I wouldn’t have asked. We all have a lot going on. That’s why we have to be there to support each other. So please, don’t try and pull that ‘I don’t want to worry you’ bullshit. I want to help. So, talk to me about it. What’s up with Uncle Jeal?”

I sighed. “He’s… I don’t know. He’s almost completely colorless by now. The only thing that’s left are his eyes, and soon they’ll be gone too. He’s conscious of everything around him and he’ll talk to you, but he just seems so… defeated. Like he’s already accepted his fate. Like he’s already gone. And sometimes I’ll catch him talking to Hatred like he’s still there. It’s… it’s really hard to see him like that, Anx. It’s tearing me up inside. I just don’t know what to do anymore.”

“I know. I’m sorry, Dee. I wish I could take that responsibility from you. I know you’ve already had to watch so many darksides go through the same fate. It must really hurt to see someone like Jealousy go through that.”

“Yeah.”

We were silent for a moment.

“Dee?”

“Yes?”

“Don’t you think it’s about time Remus meets Jealousy?” he asked.

I hesitated, having thought about it several times myself, but I was still conflicted. “I don’t know, Anx. He’s in really bad shape and I’m not sure if Remus is ready for that yet.”

“But he wants to meet him so badly, and we don’t know how much longer Jeal has left. From what you said, he could fade any day now. I don’t know about you, but I’d feel incredibly guilty if he wasn’t able to meet him before he fades. Besides, don’t you think Remus deserves to know what could happen to him? Don’t you think he deserves to be able to see it first hand? We can’t hide this side of the Darkside from him forever.”

“That is never going to happen to you or Remus. You aren’t going to fade. I won’t let you,” I reminded him firmly.

“Don’t make promises you can keep, Pops,” Anxiety warned.

“If anything or anyone even dared to so much as touch either of you,” I bared my teeth in a cold grin, my eyes glowing gold in the dim light of the room, “I’d give them hell.”

At those words, Remus stirred lightly, peeking up at us with half-closed eyes. He yawned, revealing his dagger like teeth, and sat up slightly as he glanced between Anxiety and I. “Who are we giving hell, Pops?” he asked sleepily.

“No one, bud,” I told him, tucking the blanket around him tighter and kissing his forehead. Remus snuggled in closer to me, sighing contentedly, at the warmth and comfort that surrounded him. It made me so happy knowing that he had complete trust in me and Anxiety and that he felt safe here. I couldn’t help but smile as Remus’s eyes flickered shut again and he yawned once more. _He’s so sweet when he’s tired._

“Bud, what would you say about meeting Jealousy today?” I asked.

He shot up almost instantly, a smile stretching from ear to ear as his exhaustion was all but forgotten. “Yes! Can I, Pops? Please?”

“Of course. But you need to go to your room and get showered and dressed first. We will all meet in the dining room for breakfast and then we’ll go visit Jealousy afterwards, okay?”

“Yes! Thank you Pops!” Remus cried, darting out of the room so quickly I barely had time to register he had left.

Anxiety nodded, smiling. “I’m glad you’re letting him meet Jeal. I think the two of them will get along well.”

Groaning, I struggled to get up, my limbs stiff from the awkward sleeping position I’d been in. Stretching with a yawn, I winced as I felt my bones shift into place, my ankles cracking loudly in the quiet of the room. I managed to sit up, rubbing my sore neck gingerly. “Me too. I just hope we chose a good day.”

Anxiety smirked. “You worry too much, grandpa.”

I blinked at him. “Excuse me? Care to repeat that?”

He laughed. “See you at breakfast, grandpa!”

Anxiety rushed out of the room before I could smack him, his laughter echoing down the hall. I huffed in exasperation before my false irritation melted away and I laughed myself. Getting to my feet, I quickly hopped in the shower and got dressed before going to the kitchen and making breakfast. After fixing up some pancakes and distributing toppings, we all ate quickly and quietly, a buzz in the air as the excitement for visiting Jealousy, or meeting another darkside, in Remus’s case, came over everyone. Neither Anxiety nor I even batted an eye when Remus decided to add caviar on top of his pancakes, mixing it in with his already disgusting concoction of bananas, sauerkraut, mayonnaise, and maple syrup. We had just about seen it all at this point, and there was really no use in voicing our distaste. He was Remus, and he didn’t care what anyone else said or thought about his eating habits.

Getting a plate ready for Jealousy, berries, chocolate chips, and maple syrup, just how he liked them, the three of us began our journey to his room. With me leading the way and my boys following a few feet behind, we navigated the twisting, misty corridors with little difficulty before we came upon Jealousy’s door. Turning to my sons, I gave them both a look.

“I want you both on your best behavior. Remus, I mentioned you a few times in my last few visits, but Jealousy’s memory hasn’t been the best lately, so you might want to wait back for a moment so I can introduce you. Anxiety, try not to rile him up too bad, okay?”

Remus nodded.

“Whatever you say, Dee,” Anxiety replied.

“Alright, here we go.”

Opening the door, I stepped inside and walked up to the large, four poster bed in the center of the room. Jealousy laid in bed, blankets wrapped tightly around his thin shoulders, the white walls barely any paler than the pigment in his skin and hair, which had fallen over his eyes as he tossed and turned, snoring loudly. Setting the pancakes on his nightstand and turning on the light, I gently shook Jealousy awake, watching as he sputtered and complained bitterly that I had dragged him away from a rather wonderful dream. He looked just as rough as the day before, nearly entirely see through, the only spot of color left on him were his eyes, which glowed a weak orange. His dramatics didn’t do much to distract me from my growing sense of concern, and Jealousy seemed to notice how distraught I was. He glanced up at me with a slight smile, his irritation forgotten, and gave my hand a small squeeze. Anxiety stepped in the room, peeking over my shoulder at his uncle. Jealousy’s eyes lit up when he saw him.

“Hey Uncle Jeal,” he said softly.

“Hey there champ! How have you been? It’s been a while,” Jealousy smiled, his voice booming in the hushed silence of the room.

“I’ve been doing alright.”

“Getting into trouble and driving Deceit up the wall?” Jealousy’s eyes twinkled with mischief and I saw Anxiety grin.

“Of course. Would you expect anything less?”

“Never.”

“How have you been Uncle Jeal?”

“Ya kidding? I look like shit, I feel like shit, but I’m still alive and kicking, so who gives a fuck?”

“Jealousy, please. Try to limit the cursing in front of Remus,” I protested.

“Right, sorry. Where is the little squirt anyway?”

_A good question._

I turned around, assuming Remus was still standing by the doorway waiting to be introduced or hiding behind me, unsure what to do, but he wasn’t there. _Wait, where did he go? Remus?!_ I glanced around, slightly alarmed, only to find that Remus was already sitting on the bed next to Jealousy, chatting away as if the two had known each other forever. They appeared to be deep in conversation over something involving sandwiches and electric fans, and I wasn’t exactly sure I wanted to know where it was going. Still, I couldn’t help but smile at the unexpected nature of it all, seeing my son talking in a rather animated way with Jealousy, who until this moment had been a complete and total stranger.

“Always full of surprises,” I murmured under my breath, and Anxiety nodded in agreement.

“...you’re right, that method would be pretty difficult to get away with. Hmmmm. Oh, I forgot to introduce myself. Hi, I’m Remus! You’re Jealousy, right? It’s really nice to meet you,” he exclaimed, his face beaming in excitement and joy.

Jealousy laughed. “That’s me, although you can call me Uncle Jeal if you’d like. I don’t give a damn either way. So, you’re the new darkside, huh? What exactly is it you do?”

I sighed, shaking my head. _Really, Jeal? I just asked you to watch your language. It is really that hard to remember, or do you just not care? And asking Remus about his purpose? Did you even bother to think that it might be a touchy subject for the kid? No, of course not. Always so damn concerned with yourself and yourself alone, as usual._ I blinked, unsure of where that unexpected bitterness had come from. _Calm down, Dee. Jealousy hasn’t done anything wrong. It’s not his fault all the stuff that happened way back when. You can’t hold any of that against him. Get a hold of yourself, before you end up hurting him or anyone else._

Remus, however, didn’t seem put off by Jealousy’s language or his questions, smiling as he replied, “I’m Thomas’s creativity, or at least, a part of it. My brother, Roman, is the other part of it. The boring part.”

He raised an eyebrow, a slight grin teasing his lips. “Boring? How so?”

My son made a face. “He handles all of the fluffy, sickly sweet parts of Thomas’s imagination that he tends to use more often. You know, with all the knights and princesses and stuff. I get the more interesting stuff, like monsters and weapons and other cool stuff that stays in his head for the most part.”

“You mean the dangerous and disturbing stuff,” Anxiety muttered, and Jealousy laughed while Remus pouted.

“So you’re a troublemaker, are you?” Jeal asked, and Remus nodded hesitantly. “Good. You fit right in here. We don’t accept pathetic, well-behaved, obedient little bastards in the Darkside. We need people who are willing to shake things up and turn the world on its head. Remus, I want you to take your ability and all your strengths and use them to make a change around here, you understand? Put those lightside sons of bitches in their place. And be sure to give Dee a heart attack at least once a week for me, okay?”

I sighed. “Jeal, don’t encourage him.”

“Too late.”

Glancing at Remus, I knew he was right. My son was practically bouncing with excitement, his mind already coming up with a million schemes that would make my life harder, as well as making the Lightside living hell for those inhabiting it. Massaging my temple wearily, I groaned, receiving a sympathetic look from Anxiety and a wicked grin from Jealousy. _Really, Jeal? Did you have to do that? I already have enough trouble as it is without you adding on to it with your mischief. And starting a war with the lights? Really?_

“Was that really necessary? He’s enough trouble to try and contain as it is without you and your influence adding to it,” I sighed, making a face at Jealousy. “And please, watch your language! You do not need to curse all the time to get your point across.”

“Shit. Sorry. Oh fuck. I can’t stop. Damn it,” he smirked, “Oh wait, I just realized I don’t give a damn. So, respectfully, fuck off.”

_That’s it._ Getting to my feet, I glared down at Jealousy, my eyes glowing a bright gold with the fury I could feel building inside. Anxiety stood quickly and ducked behind his chair, knowing better than to get involved with our fight. Jealousy’s eyes began to glow orange, their light much weaker and less intimidating, but still plenty threatening in their own right. Remus looked back and forth between us for a moment before sighing, hopping off the bed and taking me by the hand. I paused, surprised, and glanced down at the younger side, who was gazing between us with a rather disappointed look on his face.

“Both of you calm down. There is no need to get into a fight over something so stupid,” he told us firmly, watching with satisfaction as our eyes ceased their glowing and I reluctantly took a seat. Fixing both of us with an intense stare, he continued, “Uncle Jeal, Pops is really stressed out right now and you are not helping by provoking him all the time. He’s trying to take care of all of us and deal with the lightsides so you need to cut him some slack.” Jeal nodded, although the smirk never left his face. Remus turned to me, “Pops, you really need to relax. Cursing doesn’t bother me. Heck, I curse all the time.”

I blinked, surprised, “But I thought… with the lightsides and Patton-”

Remus laughed, sounding amused, but I could feel a slight edge to his voice that made my words trail off to nothing. “I’ve never been one to follow the rules, Pops, especially not stupid ones,” he replied solemnly.

We all sat in silence, processing that for a moment.

“Well, damn,” Anxiety said finally.

Suddenly we were all laughing, even Jealousy, at the stupidity of the argument, at the stupidity of the lightsides, at the stupidity of this whole situation. Anxiety and Remus both sat back down in their respective spots and they began to engage Jealousy in further conversation, but I didn’t really pay much attention to anything they were saying, my mind full to the brim of thoughts that kept me distracted for the rest of our visit.

_There’s so much I don’t know about my own son and his life before he came here. I thought I was learning, but every time I feel like I finally know everything I need to know, I discover something new that opens the door for a dozen more questions. It’s infuriating and exhausting in equal measures. I wish he would just tell me his story, starting at the beginning and explaining everything so I can understand why he is the way he is. It would make things so much easier in the long run, and that way I wouldn’t always feel like I’m stuck in the dark without a candle to guide me._

_I know he said that he needs more time, and I promised to respect that, but I really need to know. I can’t help him if he won’t open up to me and tell me what he’s been through, and I hate feeling so helpless and defenseless when he has his attacks. Helping him calm down and reminding him I’m there for him is like putting a bandaid over a bullet wound. Until he’s willing to open up and let me know what he’s really struggling with, I can’t remove the bullet and stitch him up, and I feel sick knowing that he’s still hurting deep down inside. I just wish he would ask for help and let me in so that I can make things better. I just want to make things better. God, why does everything have to be so complicated? I just want Remus to feel good. I want him to feel happy and healthy and loved. Is that too much to ask for?_

“Dee?”

I blinked, shaking the thoughts from my head as I saw everyone staring at me, varying degrees of concern on their faces. Remus just looked kind of curious, watching me from where he was seated on the bed, swinging his legs cheerfully. Anxiety looked a little worried and suspicious, but it was the expression on Jealousy’s face that made me feel incredibly uncomfortable. It was like he knew something no one else did, but I didn’t know what exactly, and it made my skin crawl. 

Forcing a smile and a slight laugh, I said, “Sorry about that. Guess I was a little distracted. What’s going on? Did someone need something?”

“I was just wondering if we should head back and let Uncle Jeal get some rest. He’s probably feeling tired after all this excitement,” Anxiety suggested.

“Right,” I got to my feet, offering Jealousy a small smile and squeezing his hand. “I’ll be back to bring you lunch and dinner. Sleep well, Jeal.”

He squeezed my hand back, a strange look on his face. “Take care of yourself, Dee.”

I paused, caught off-guard by his words. “...Of course.”

Stepping back, I let Anxiety and Remus give their uncle a hug, watching them chatter and smile as if nothing was going on, as if nothing was wrong, but it felt like everything was wrong. My head was spinning with a million different thoughts as I tried to figure out what Jealousy had meant by that, but I kept coming up blank. _Why would he tell me to take care of myself? He still has plenty of time left. He’s not so far gone that he could fade away to nothing at any moment. So why did he say it like that? He looked… strange. Almost… sad, or worried. Is he… worried about me? Why would he be? I’m fine. Everything’s fine. The only person that he should be worried about is himself, or maybe Remus. But… he looked really scared, like he knows something I don’t. God, I don’t understand. What does he see that has him so concerned?_

_God, I need to get it together. I can think about it all evening if I really want to. Right now I need to focus on Remus and Anxiety. Right now I need to make sure everything is alright and keep them from working about me, or Jealousy, or anything else._ Forcing myself to push the thoughts and worries aside, I smiled once more, taking Remus by the hand and gently leading everyone out of the room. I had been about to close the door behind us when Jealousy called out.

“Remus, can I talk to you alone for a moment before you leave?” he requested, his voice strangely soft and serious compared to his usual loud and cheerful demeanor.

Remus nodded without hesitation and I released him from my grip so he could join his uncle on the bed once more. Anxiety seemed inclined to stay, his footsteps faltering before I grabbed him firmly by the shoulders and steered him out of the room, closing the door softly behind us. He shook himself from my grip before making a face and leaning against the wall as we waited, messing with the fidget cube he always kept in his pocket. I adjusted my gloves and made sure my hat was on straight before glancing at the long, twisting maze of corridors before us, biting my lip as I felt a trace of my headache returning. _Oh, not again. I should be fine. The medicine is supposed to last for a good couple more hours, in the very least. So why did it already wear off? Oh well. Not much I can do about it now, I guess. Just have to keep pushing through it._

“I wonder what that was about,” Anxiety commented, nodding towards the door, his eyes glowing a dim purple as he watched with curiosity.

“I do as well, but that conversation is between Remus and Jealousy,” I replied.

He nodded, signalling the end of our conversation, and we were quiet for another moment, long enough that I jumped slightly when he spoke again.

“Hey Dee?”

“Yes, Anxiety?”

“How much longer do you think Jeal has left, if you were to take a guess?”

I sighed. “I’m not a betting man, but if I were, I would wager that he won’t last much longer. Maybe another month’s time before we need to really worry, but Anxiety?”

“Yeah?”

“He’s been like this for a long time. He’s ready to go, even if his physical form hasn’t quite reached that point yet. His health has been deteriorating ever since…” I hesitated, swallowing hard as a flash of pain shot through my chest. “ever since Hatred,” I finished weakly.

Anxiety nodded, his face as serious as the grave. “I should really visit him soon. It’s been years since… that day. It’s just… it’s hard to…” he trailed off, his voice becoming slightly choked.

“I understand. I can only visit every now and then, and I always end up breaking down. It’s… it’s hard to let go, and even harder to face the fact that someone you care about is gone. I… I still have trouble comprehending that I can never talk to him again, never ask him for advice or spend time with him. It’s just… hard,” I agreed, taking a deep breath and trying to ignore the way my hands were trembling and tears were gathering in my eyes.

“It really is. I… I still think of him often. It’s so strange… not having him here with us. How many years has it been now?”

“Three, and not a day has passed that I don’t think of him. But… I know it hit Jealousy the hardest. After all, they were actual brothers. They were as close as… well, Roman and Remus must have been, at one point in time. And losing Hatred? It really broke him, Anx. I… I don’t know how to help him anymore. There’s nothing I can do,” I admitted, a lump growing in my throat.

“And that’s okay, Dee. You don’t have to save the world. We aren’t expecting you to. You already do so much and try so hard. Jealousy isn’t expecting you to work miracles, and you shouldn’t expect that from yourself either. It’s not healthy to put all that stress and weight on your shoulders. You matter too,” Anxiety reminded me gently, and I could feel his eyes trained on me as I studied my gloved hands, refusing to meet his eye.

I nodded slowly. “You’re right,” I said, but I didn’t mean a word of it.

Anxiety sighed, and I could tell he didn’t believe me either, but before he could say anything, the door swung open and Remus walked out. His face was uncharacteristically serious, like he had just been given a top secret mission that only he could complete, and I could picture the way his mind was already spinning together a story from whatever Jealousy had told him. Remus closed the door quietly behind him and glanced up at us, taking in our worn, haggard appearance and the tears that were in both of our eyes.

He raised an eyebrow. “Do I even want to know?”

“No,” I said quickly, and Anxiety shook his head.

“...Oookay. Well, what do you say we head back to the living room? I believe we are all due for a nice relaxing afternoon of watching movies until our brains melt into goo,” Remus suggested, taking us both by the hand as he marched forward, a bright smile on his face.

Anxiety laughed. “Sounds good, Ree.”

“Yeah,” I said softly, but I knew I wouldn’t be joining them for their movie marathon. As enjoyable as it sounded, I had work to do, and there was no time to waste. I couldn’t let my purpose fall to the wayside any longer, or I myself might run the risk of fading. Not only that, but I had to make sure that Anxiety and Remus fulfilled their purposes too. I wouldn’t lose anyone else to the fade, not as long as I had the breath in my lungs and the fire in my heart. _I promised them I would keep them safe. I already failed Hatred and Jealousy, but I won’t fail anyone else. I have to protect them all, and that means I have to do something I never thought I would do. I need to pay Wrath a visit._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! Thank you for reading my story. I am so thankful for each and every one of you and the support you offer. You have all been incredibly patient with me as I continue this story. I am so sorry that this chapter took me so long to write. I wasn't expecting it to be so difficult, but it turns out this chapter just didn't feel right for me at first and I had to really work with it. I hope it turned out okay in the end. If not, I'm sorry, but I promise the next one will be a better, and hopefully a bit easier to write. Anyway, please be patient with me, as I have to try to balance writing a story from scratch and school work. 
> 
> I also have another idea for a story that I will be adding here eventually that I am very excited about, and it will be another Sanders Sides story, this one with a human AU, so if that interests you at all, keep your eyes peeled because it will be here eventually. I will probably try to finish this story first, though, so it might be a little while. Welp, I've been talking long enough. More chapters coming soon (hopefully)!
> 
> ~Your Fellow Fander


	10. Remus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Angst, fluff, and everything in between. So in other words.... good luck, and I'm sorry.

Ducking behind a pillar, I flinched as I felt the heat of the flames brush my skin, hoping and praying that marble was fire-proof. When a couple minutes passed and I didn’t go up in flames, I figured that the makeshift barrier I had put between the dragon-witch and I would hold, even as she continuously blasted the column with a great tongue of fire. However, I could tell that my refuge wouldn’t last long as I felt the ground shake with every step she took towards me, the fire becoming even hotter and more intense as they, too, grew closer and closer. _Shit! Now I’m trapped here, and if I try to run, she’s bound to cut me down in an instant. Fuck. Now what?_

“Hey! Leave him alone, you foul beast!”

The bout of fire ceased for a moment, allowing me time to escape to a safer hiding spot as the dragon-witch wheeled around to face her other opponent. Roman stood on the crumbled remains of a throne, wearing a rather dashing white prince outfit with a vibrant red sash crossing his chest and his sword pointed at the dragon-witch’s scaly hide. His sash, along with his rich brown hair, were bright pops of color against the otherwise barren scenery around us, the sea of white pillars. columns, floors, and ceilings of the Greek temple all made of the same pure marble. However, the temple looked like it had seen better days, many of the surfaces cracked and broken, and the damage we had inflicted certainly hadn’t improved anything.

The dragon-witch snarled, revealing a mouthful of wickedly sharp teeth that were stained red with the blood of her former enemies, now nothing more than the memory of a previously existing annoyance, as she swiped at Roman with her poisonous claws. He leapt from the throne, rolling as he hit the ground below in a graceful dismount and getting to his feet in one fluid motion. As my brother ducked and dodged the vile creatures attacks with minimal difficulty, I brought out my bow and arrow and unleashed a flurry of attacks at her left flank, causing her to roar in pain and anger, and as she spun around to face my I realized her reaction contained decidedly more of the latter than the former. _Shit._

She blasted at me with another round of fire, her ebony eyes burning into me with a terrifyingly soullessness that nearly froze me to the spot, I forced myself to sprint to the other side of the temple, sliding behind another pillar as Roman once again took over the attack. Sticking my bow in the quiver on my back, I shimmied up one of the columns and surveyed the battlefield, plotting my next move. Jumping from one pillar to another, I got until I was practically on top of the dragon-witch, and then I unsheathed my longsword and prepared to strike. Leaping from the pillar, I pointed my sword blade down and watched with grim satisfaction as it pierced her flesh, stabbing her right through the heart. She flailed violently, striking out with her fire and claws as she took her final breath, and I saw Roman go flying backwards, out of my line of sight. Twisting the sword in her chest viciously, enjoying the way she spasmed and roared in pain, I waited until she collapsed in a heap, nearly knocking me from my precarious perch, then jerked the sword free, the blade stained red with her oily blood.

Leaping down from her chest, I tossed my sword aside and surveyed the room, noting with a strange sort of pleasure that several of the Greek statues had been cracked and broken, leaving piles of marble limbs, heads, torsos, and other assorted body parts scattered here and there like a twisted form of art. Most would have been deeply upset at the loss, however, I couldn’t help but think that some of the statues looked better broken. I supposed it wasn’t so strange after all, if I really thought about it. One of my greatest strengths had always been finding the beauty in things that most would deem disturbing, grotesque, or broken beyond repair.

My shoulder twinged with pain and I winced, placing a hand over the muscle as I slowly rotated it, trying to see if I had dislocated my shoulder, or merely pulled something. _Shit, that battle was tougher than I thought. I don’t think I broke anything though. Pretty sure it’s probably just sprained, but I’ll have to have Roman look over it and tell me what he thinks. He’s always been better at medical stuff anyway._ Frowning, I glanced around and realized that I had no idea where he was. _Huh, that’s odd. Usually he’s the first one to celebrate after a victory like this, bragging that the enemy couldn’t even lay a finger on him and describing his numerous heroic feats. So… where’d the egotistical bastard go?_

Heading the direction I had seen him last, I walked around a few broken statues and leapt over a couple huge craters in the otherwise spotless marble floor before I found him a good few yards away, leaning up against a pillar for support. At first, I just thought that he was tired from the fight, which was understandable, and I was about to yell at him for worrying me when my eyes caught sight of the four deep claw marks buried in his chest and all the words died on my tongue.

_Shit! I didn’t even see him get hit!_

I rushed over to him, noting how quickly the puddle of blood beneath him was beginning to spread as his shirt was stained red and his skin turned paler than marble. Kneeling beside him, I took Roman’s hand in my own and squeezed it comfortingly, looking around for something, anything to staunch the bleeding. At my touch, my brother’s eyes flickered open and he looked up at me with glazed, pain-filled eyes.

“R-Remus?” he asked, his voice barely a whisper.

“It’s me. I’m sorry, Roman. I’m so sorry. I should’ve come sooner. If I had, none of this would have happened. It’s all my fault. I shouldn’t have gotten distracted. I shouldn’t have let you go off on your own. If I had been more careful… If I had been better… none of this would have happened. I’m sorry, Roman. I failed you.”

“No, no, it’s my fault. I thought I could handle this all on my own. I was stupid and reckless, and now I have to pay for my mistake. This isn’t your fault, Remus. Don’t ever blame yourself for this. I was the one who messed up, not you.”

I laughed through tears. “Yeah, what the heck man? I’m supposed to be the reckless one always diving headfirst into trouble. You’re supposed to be the twin with a few brain cells up in that thick skull.”

He chuckled weakly, a trickle of blood dribbling down his chin and staining the collar of his shirt. I reached up and wiped his mouth with my sleeve and he caught my hand in his, holding onto my tightly. “Though I’d give it a try for a change. Didn’t really think things through like I should’ve.”

“Clearly.”

“Remus?” His fingers dug into my arm, forcing me to look him in the eye.

“Yeah?”

“It was an honor to fight by your side.”

I choked back a sob. “The honor was all mine, Roman. It… it was an honor to be your brother. Thank you… for always being there for me.”

“Farewell, brother.”

And then right before my eyes, Roman vanished into a thin layer of thick, black dust, coating the floor and staining the white marble grey. I got shakily to my feet, watching as the coal-colored particles stirred, blowing away in the breeze that billowed through the temple. Swiping at my tears angrily, I snapped my fingers and the temple disappeared, along with everything in it, until I stood alone in my bedroom. _God, I don’t know why I get so emotional. I mean, it’s not like it’s really him. Roman would never be so stupid to so much as let the dragon-witch touch him, much less kill him. He’s not really here. Why would he be? He doesn’t need me. He has the lights to make him happy, and protect him, and love him. He doesn’t need me. And it’s not like I haven’t lived the same battle five times over. He dies every time, and I’m left standing here like a fucking idiot, crying over someone who’s not even here, and who sure has hell wouldn’t be crying over me if he were in my shoes. God… I’m such a fucking crybaby._

Flopping on my bed, I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, allowing all the tension to leave my body as I shook all the thoughts clear from my head. For once, I just wanted to lay there and think of absolutely nothing. I wanted to have an empty head, that for once I could just experience that beautiful silence of a mind that wasn’t always jumping from one thing to another. My intrusive thoughts weren’t unbearable, most of the time, at least, and they didn’t really even feel like intrusive thoughts on most days. In fact, sometimes they were even useful, as they helped me come up with a bunch of really cool ideas that I wouldn’t have thought of otherwise, but right now, I just wanted silence. I laughed bitterly to myself. Even I knew it was hopeless to even wish for something so grand, and soon enough, my mind began to travel back to my brother, my real brother, back at the Lightside. I wished I could say that I didn’t miss Roman, but that would be a lie, and one of the biggest lies I had ever tried to get away with, at that. As much as I hated my brother, I loved him too, and I just wished that I could see him one more time, that he could be here with me.

_Roman, why did you have to stay? I know you love Patton and Logan, but even you had to realize how terrible it is there. I know you noticed how stifling and suffocating the Lightside is, and I know you hate it as much as I do. So why did you stay? Why didn’t you come with me? We could have been free, roaming the halls of the Darkside side by side, exploring every inch of the place and going on grand adventures together in the Imagination. We could have hung out with Anxiety together, had the big brother we always dreamed of, all to ourselves. We could have come up with so many grand schemes to drive Dee up the wall and make him lose his mind. I wish you could have met Dee. He’s really something, Roman. He’s the father I always wished Patton was. He’s kind, and gentle, and understanding. He’s loving, and wonderful, and… accepting. He’s so accepting, like no one else I’ve ever seen before. He doesn’t care that I’m weird or messed up. He doesn’t care that I’m not like everyone else. He doesn’t mind that I’m broken. He loves me just like I am. Just like I wish you would, Roman. I wish you could be here and see what I see. I think you’d really like it here. I think you’d call this place home, too. But you didn’t come with me. You stayed. You chose your side, and I chose mine. And now there’s no going back._

Sighing, I scrubbed my face with my hands in frustration. _Why do I even miss that jerk? He was terrible! He betrayed me! He left me alone when I needed him most and shoved me away when I reached out to him. I’m glad he isn’t here. He’s terrible and I never want to see him again!_ But I knew deep in my heart that I didn’t believe a single word of it. I knew that in spite of everything that had happened between us, in spite of all the bad blood and pain that we had both inflicted, it wasn’t Roman’s fault. At least, it wasn’t entirely his fault. A majority of the blame fell on one person and one person alone. _Patton Morality Sanders._

The name left a sour taste in my mouth.

I wasn’t a hateful person, and I wasn’t one to hold a grudge, but Patton was the one person who I could say without a doubt that I absolutely hated him and I would never forgive him for what he had done. I just couldn’t. There was too much that had happened for him to take it all back, too many years of abuse and neglect for those scars to heal, and I would be a damn fool to even _think_ of accepting his apology, not that Patton was the type to apologize. _He’s never been the type to admit that he was wrong, much less feel sorry for something he did. Patton could never make a mistake. He’s the pure one, the goody-two-shoes. Thomas’s favorite side. Oh, if only he could see what Morality is really like. I don’t think anyone would believe how terrible of a person he really is, especially to anyone who dares to cross him._

Manifesting a handful of darts, I sat up as a dart board appeared across the room. Chucking one of the darts, I watched as it missed the board entirely and embedded itself in the wall. I threw a couple more with the same result before I finally managed to hit the edge of the board with one of the darts. I wonder what would happen if… Smiling with a grim sort of satisfaction, I snapped my fingers and a picture of Patton appeared on the dart board. Throwing my last dart, I hit Patton square in the nose and laughed. _Cliche, but still pretty funny._

Getting to my feet, I walked to the glass doors of my balcony, which I had repaired after the incident from a few days ago, and stepped out into the cool, early morning air. My realm was aglow with reds and oranges as the sun rose above the black clouds, making the edges look silver, and I couldn’t help but smile at the beauty of it. Sure, Roman’s domain had a sunset full of pinks and purples and was equally breathtaking, but this was mine, my creation, and it held a special place in my heart. It would always be one of my favorite parts of my realm, even if no one else found it beautiful.

Leaning against the railing, I took a deep breath, inhaling the scent of darkness and disease and death, but also that of life and healing and light. Something that seemed was easily overlooked about my brand of creativity was that not everything I created was evil or disgusting. I was perfectly fine with creating normal and even beautiful things, and I did. People just never looked close enough to see it. 

I gazed out over my kingdom, full of monsters and creatures able to create mass destruction, but also villages full of people just like everyone else, living out their lives side by side with these creatures in a messy and slightly unstable manner, but also with an air of peace and understanding between the many species. _Roman might lie and pretend that my creations are all evil abominations that shouldn’t exist, but they are able to do something that his creations never could: coexist even with an extreme amount of diversity. They might not be able to live in peace all the time, but there are still no lines separating monsters from humans. There aren’t any stupid rules preventing them from living together or loving each other, no laws saying that one was any worse or better than the other. There was no ‘good’ or ‘bad’, no ‘us’ or ‘them’ They just… were, and that was it._ I couldn’t help but smile a little as I watched the bells toll and the villages stir from their sleeping, as the shopkeepers organized their wares and the markets opened for business. _For all of my faults, I’ve always been the best peace-keeper._

Sighing, I quickly abandoned that line of thinking, tired of always comparing myself to my brother. _We’re nothing alike. There’s no reason to compare us. It’s like Pops said, we’re not really two parts of one whole anymore. We’re two completely different people and we deserve to be treated as such._ And at the thought of my newly discovered father figure, I found myself drawn back to yesterday morning and our visit with Jealousy, or more accurately, what he had said to me behind closed doors.

_“Remus, can I talk to you alone for a moment before you leave?” he requested, sounding unusually serious._

_I nodded without hesitation, feeling Deceit release me from his grip so I could join my uncle on the bed once again. My father and brother left the room with minimal protest, although Anxiety seemed rather put off by the whole thing, and suddenly I was left alone with my uncle, who was still practically a stranger to me. I found that even though I probably should have felt uncomfortable or even scared, I wasn’t. There was something reassuring about the way Jealousy’s eyes were glowing a dim orange in the darkness, like he knew I was feeling a little conflicted and wanted me to know that everything would be okay._

_“So, what is it you wanted to talk about Uncle Jeal?” I asked, hopping up on the bed next to him._

_He sat up a little, leaning against the headboard with a soft groan. Running his fingers through his hair and shoving the white locks out of his eyes, he glanced at me with a halfhearted grin._

_“Remus, you’re a good kid, you know that?”_

_I blinked in surprise as my mind was ripped away from the present and I heard Patton’s words echoing inside my head over and over again._ ‘Remus, why are you such a bad kid?!’ ‘Stop it, Remus! You’re hurting Thomas!’ ‘Remus, you can’t do that!’ ‘Remus, that’s bad creativity! You can’t let Thomas create something like that!’ ‘What are you doing Remus?! You’re going to hurt Thomas if you aren’t careful!’ ‘Remus, don’t touch Thomas’s school projects! They’re too important and you might ruin them!’ ‘Remus, why don’t you find something else to do while Roman’s working?’ ‘How about you and Logan read together and leave the creating to Roman?’

Patton always told me I was a bad kid, _I thought to myself,_ But Patton was wrong but a lot of things, wasn’t he? He was wrong about the Darkside. He told me it was dangerous and I wouldn’t be welcomed there, but it’s really nice and I feel at home when I’m here. He told me that Deceit was an evil, manipulative liar who would use me and get rid of me, but he isn’t like that at all. Deceit is sweet, kind, and loving, just like a father should be, and he accepted me just as I am without asking me to change like Patton did. So maybe… maybe he was wrong about me, too. Maybe I really am a good kid, and he’s the one who was bad for trying to change me.

_“Thank you, Uncle Jeal,” I said finally, glancing up to meet his eye._

_“Don’t thank me, kid. I’m only speaking the truth. You’re a good kid with a good heart and a strong mind, and we really need more people like you around here,” he paused, a hint of sorrow in his gaze as he spoke. “I’m sorry to ask this of you, but Remus… I need you to protect Deceit and Anxiety when I’m gone. I know I’m not long for this life, and they really need someone to look after them.”_

_I opened my mouth to protest that Jealousy would be fine, but he waved me off._

_“No, don’t come at me with that ‘you still have plenty of life left’ bullshit. I’m fading fast and I know it. Probably don’t have more than a month left, and I probably have less than that still. Now Remus, I’m not asking you to throw yourself into danger and protect them from all harm. Not only is that an incredibly stupid request, but it’s unrealistic. You’re just a kid. All I’m asking is that you keep an eye on them, talk some sense into them, maybe even smack some sense into them when they need it. I’m talking about both Deceit and Anxiety, but especially Deceit.” Jealousy sighed, scrubbing his face with his hands, “Remus, I’m worried about him. Something’s not right. I know that he’s really been struggling lately, but he won’t open up to me about it, and I’m afraid that once I’m gone, it’ll get even worse. I know he’s meant to be the caretaker for you and Anxiety, but please, if you could both also look after him, I’d greatly appreciate it.”_

_“Of course. I’d do anything to protect my family. But, Uncle Jeal?”_

_“Yes, Remus?”_

_“What happened to Pops that made him like this? Anxiety said that someone… broke him, but he didn’t know who did it or what happened. Do you know?” I asked._

_He sighed again. “I… I’m not quite certain myself, Remus. All I know is that it was another side who he had been rather close to for quite some time, and that side betrayed him horribly. I don’t know the details besides that. I’m pretty sure it was a lightside, but for all I know it could have been a darkside. Deceit is rather secretive and isn’t likely to open up and tell you what really happened, but it probably wouldn’t hurt to ask him yourself if you’re so concerned, Remus. He really cares about you. If he sees that him being upset is upsetting you, he might be more inclined to reveal more.”_

_“Thanks, Uncle Jeal. I’ll keep that in mind. And I promise to keep an eye on my family and protect them the best I can. I’d die before letting any of them get hurt.”_

_“I know you would, Remus. Thank you.”_

Sighing, I let my mind return to present day, where I was still no closer to figuring out what had happened to my father figure figment. I was determined to figure out who had hurt him so badly and make them pay, but I had no idea who it could’ve been. After all, whatever had happened had clearly occurred years ago, and there were a lot of sides in existence back then that I didn’t know now. If one of them had hurt Dee, there would be nothing I could do. _God, this is so frustrating. I just wish he would tell me what’s wrong so I can help. He’s clearly upset about something, but he won’t say what. Maybe I could talk to Anxiety again and see if either of us can get anything from him, but I sort of doubt it. Pops isn’t one to open up about his feelings. He’s always so worried about us._

Growling in frustration, I began to pace, walking back and forth across the balcony as I tried to figure it out. _Who could it have been? Someone from Dee’s past who hurt him real bad and that he must have come across again at some point for him to be so upset now. Who has he talked to lately? Just me and Anxiety and Jealousy, to my knowledge. But none of us have hurt him. Anxiety and I probably hadn’t even been formed yet, much less been able to betray Dee. Unless… What if I_ did _hurt Dee? What if I hurt him, but I don’t remember because I wasn’t_ me _yet? What if when Roman and I were still Creativity, as in a single entity,_ we _hurt Pops, and he’s so upset because he’s reminded of that day every time he sees me?! Oh god, I really hope not. If all along I’ve been the cause of Dee’s pain, I… I don’t know what I’d do. God, I need to talk to him. I need to make sure that I’m not the cause of all this. If I am, I need to apologize and make things right. I hate seeing Pops so upset all the time._

Rushing out of the room, I stopped only for a moment to close my door behind me before racing down the corridors of the Darkside, my mind focused on only one thing. I had to find Dee, and quick, before I lost my nerve. I was no longer content to sit around and let Pops suffer in silence when I knew that someone at some point in time had hurt him badly enough that it was still affecting him to this day. I was going to get to the bottom of this once and for all, even if I didn’t like the answer I was given.

“Pops!”

Deceit glanced up from the book he was reading, a slight smile on his face as he watched me rush into the room. “Good morning, Remus. This is an unexpected surprise. I wasn’t aware you would be up so early and… is… is that blood on your shirt?”

Seeing the alarm on his face, I glanced down and realized that my black and green prince outfit was still covered in the dragon-witch’s blood from the fight. “Oh, that. Don’t worry, Pops. It’s not mine.” Snapping my fingers, my old clothes were replaced with fresh, clean ones in an instant.

“Oh, of course. I should have expected,” Dee said dryly before noticing the serious expression on my face. Snapping his book shut, he got up from his chair and knelt by me, concern painted all over his face. “Are you alright, Remus? Did something happen?”

“I believe that’s the exact same question I was going to ask you, Pops,” I replied softly, and his concern was replaced by a guarded, neutral expression.

“I don’t believe I know what you’re referring to, Remus. You must be mistaking me with someone else.”

Deceit stood, as if to leave, and I felt something inside me snap.

“I’m not stupid, Deceit!” I screamed, and he froze, turning to face me with a shocked expression on his face. “As much as you might hope and pray that I’m too thick to understand what’s going on, I’m not! I know that you aren’t okay and I know that something happened and I’m sick and tired of being in the dark! But it’s not just me, is it? You’re blocking everyone out, keeping your pain to yourself and hoping no one notices. You’re isolating yourself because you don’t want to worry us, but we’re all worried! We care about you and we know something is wrong, and it concerns us even more that you won’t tell us anything! You’re only making things worse! I don’t understand. You’re the one who wants us all to open up to you and tell you when things are wrong, but you won’t follow your own damn advice! Are you _trying_ to be a hypocrite, or are you really so stupid as to not realize how _wrong_ this is? We want to help you, and you keep pushing us away! All we want to do is help! We’re not trying to hurt you, damn it!” my voice softened slightly. “We aren’t going to think less of you for having your own problems, Pops. We love you and we want to help. Please, let us help you. That’s all we want.”

I glanced up to find Deceit staring at me, his hands covering his mouth as tears streamed down his face. I felt a stab of guilt at knowing those tears were caused by me and my words, but I knew deep down in my heart that he had needed to hear them. There was no other way around it, and the fact that I had refused to tiptoe around the issue, unlike Anxiety and Jealousy, and had addressed it directly would hopefully get through to him.

I sighed. “Just… tell me this, Dee. Was it… was it me? Did I hurt you? Well, I mean… did Romulus hurt you?” Deceit’s eyes widened as my voice began to tremble slightly. “I… I d-didn’t mean to hurt you. I… I didn’t even stop to t-think that it could have b-been me until now, but… if it was, I’m s-so sorry, Pops. Whatever I said or did back then, I wasn’t in c-control. Not like I a-am not, at least. I don’t r-remember much from my time being full C-Creativity, but if I, I mean, _he_ h-hurt you… I-”

Suddenly Dee’s arms were wrapped tightly around me and I realized with a start that I was crying, that we were both crying, and that he was holding me with such gentleness and kindness that it made me cry even harder. For a moment we just stayed there, my face buried in Dee’s chest, his chin resting on my shoulder, crying and clinging tightly together like we were trying to outlast a storm, and if one of us let go, we both might get blown away. After a little while, Deceit pulled back to look me in the eye, gently brushing the last few remaining tears from my cheek.

“Remus, look at me,” he said softly.

I did as I was told, gazing into his eyes, one a warm brown, and the other a brilliant gold that seemed to glow as he spoke.

“You never hurt me. What happened to me was not caused by you, nor would I ever blame you for Romulus’s actions even if it had been him. I… I don’t like to talk about what happened back then for many reasons, Remus. It hurts too much sometimes, and I don’t want to fall apart again. And I feel guilty, because after all these years I keep thinking I’ve finally moved past it and I’m ready to go on with my life, and then I get hit with another wave of emotion that knocks me back down to where I was. And I’m sorry that you have to see me like this. I never wanted you or Anxiety to have to worry about me. All of that being said, I can see now that it was stupid of me to try and hide this from you. I thought that I was protecting you by keeping it a secret, but it’s clear that all I’ve done is cause you more pain. The person who hurt me all those years ago…” he paused, and I could see how much it hurt him to say it. “is Morality.”

I blinked, my eyes dry and throat burning, Clenching my fists, I felt the anger rise up in me like the huge crest of a tsunami, threatening to come crashing down at any moment. “I’m gonna kill that son of a bitch.”

“No,” Deceit said, gripping my shoulders tightly. “Remus, what happened between us occurred years ago. It’s something that I need to let go of so that we can all move on. There’s no use getting mad over it or seeking revenge. What’s done is done. This isn’t his fault, it’s all mine. It’s clear that P-Patton…” Dee swallowed hard, “has moved on… from the event, and I need to do the same. But, Remus, the reason why all of this is coming to the surface now, it isn’t because of you, or because of him. It’s because of me.”

“W-what? What do you mean?”

“The day after you appeared in the Darkside I went to confront Morality. I told him off for treating you so poorly and threatened that if he even dared to so much as touch you or the rest of the darksides, I’d drag him straight to Hell. I shouldn’t have done it. I knew that it was stupid to try and reason with someone who is completely unreasonable. I just… I couldn’t help myself, I guess.”

“Why _did_ you do it, Pops? You could’ve just left well enough alone, but you didn’t. Why?” I asked.

Deceit gently brushed my hair out of my face and I couldn’t help but lean into his touch, feeling the warmth and love in the gentle motion. He pressed a kiss to my forehead, sighing softly. “I suppose it is because I saw myself in you, Remus. Our situations held some similarities that I couldn’t ignore, and I hated that the cycle had repeated itself all over again. Of course, nothing was exactly the same, but still… I just… I couldn’t stand the thought that you would have to struggle and suffer like I have to recover from the situation, and a part of me snapped. I suppose I lost all common sense for the time being, but that doesn’t matter now. That’s all in the past, Remus, and I want you to know that from now on, you have a bright future here with us. I know the Darkside isn’t the nicest place, and we aren’t exactly the best in terms of people, but as long as you choose to stay with us, you will always have a family.”

“Thank you. I love you, Pops,” I said softly.

Deceit pulled me into another warm embrace. “I love you too, son.”

“Hey, Pops?”

“Yes, Remus?”

“Will you… read to me?”

“Of course.”

Deceit and I both curled up on the couch, me sitting in his lap with his arms wrapped around me tight. I snuggled into him as he pulled out a book, _The Chronicles of Narnia,_ and began reading. Deceit would read the narrative and voice the adult characters, giving them funny voices and keeping me spellbound by the dramatic tale, while I would voice the children’s voices, which were often the main characters. Together we made our way through the first few chapters, Deceit laughing at the intense enthusiasm I gave into every delivery of a line, whether the situation deserved so much passion or not, before he set the book aside for the time being. I began to whine and complain, begging him for just one more chapter, and he chuckled.

“Maybe later, Remus. Say, how would you like to help me bake some cookies? I could use an expert taste-tester and decorator.”

My eyes lit up. “Can we put frosting on them?”

“Of course. Frosting makes everything better,” he agreed, fighting back another laugh.

We headed to the kitchen, where Deceit gathered the ingredients and began to make fresh cookie dough from scratch. He did most of the work in the beginning as I watched, but he did let me use the mixer a few times, which resulted in splatters of cookie dough getting all over us and the cabinets, some even managing to get on the ceiling, although neither of us could ever really explain how that had happened. 

Deceit never once got mad at me, in fact, he seemed to be really enjoying himself, and I found that I was having lots of fun too. As we waited for the cookies to bake, we read another chapter of the book, which was beginning to get really interesting, and after the cookies had baked and cooled, Dee brought out several tubs of different colored icing and tons of colorful sprinkles of all shapes and sizes. He let me do most of the icing and decorating, content to watch me work, laughing at me after I had managed to get icing on my nose and forehead and helping me clean up afterwards. We ate a few cookies before packing the rest up, Pops promising that we could all eat some more after dinner. 

Deceit was putting the last of the cookies in the pantry and I was wiping up the countertop when he visibly flinched, nearly dropping the box of cookies before catching them and carefully setting them down. I was at his side at an instant, my hand on his arm as I watched his face go pale and his eyes begin to glow a bright gold, feeling my heart begin to race as a million thoughts bombarded my head at once. _Is he sick? Is he dying? Did something happen? What’s wrong? Oh god, oh god, oh god. I can’t lose him. I just can’t. God… please be okay Pops. Please._

“Pops, what’s wrong? Are you okay?”

“Anxiety,” he managed, his voice thin and full of concern. “It’s Anxiety.”

At that, he rushed out of the kitchen and down the hallway, moving so fast that to my eyes he was just black and yellow blur. I blinked in surprise, my mind taking a moment to comprehend what he had said, but once my brain had caught up I was racing down the hallway too, right on Dee’s heels. I wasn’t exactly sure what was going on, but I knew that if my brother was in trouble, I had to be there for him, even if I couldn’t necessarily help. Deceit seemed to know exactly where he was going, weaving left and right between hallways with immense speed, and it took everything in me to keep up. Gasping for air, I nearly ran into him when he stopped suddenly, and I realized we were already at Anxiety’s door. Pops didn’t even knock, instead throwing the door wide open and rushing to Anxiety’s side.

I stepped inside and closed the door behind me, watching with fear and concern as I saw Anxiety curled up in the fetal position in the corner of the room, tears streaming down his face as he gasped for air and trembled violently. Deceit kneeled beside him and began a process that seemed to be second nature to him. First, he spoke softly to Anxiety, asking if he could hear him and if it was okay to touch him, to which he replied with a quick jerk of the head. Deceit then took Anxiety’s hand and pressed them against his chest, leading him through a breathing exercise that seemed vaguely familiar to me, although I wasn’t sure why. I watched in relief as the color began to return to Anxiety’s face and he began to breathe easier, but soon his body shook with sobs and Deceit took him into his arms, holding him tight and letting him cry until he fell into a fitful sleep. Dee scooped Anxiety up and placed him gently on the bed, tucking him under the covers and making sure he was comfortable. He then pulled up a chair from Anxiety’s desk and sat next to the bed, watching him sleep with a weary expression on his face. 

Walking over, I snapped and a chair appeared next to Dee’s. I sat next to him, noting how tired and worried he looked, as well as how guilty he felt for not being there for Anxiety at the beginning. _He cares so much about us. He really does just want to help and support us through anything we’re going through. Deceit is a good person, and an amazing father. He loves us both so much. And he opened up to me. He didn’t have to tell me anything. He could have ignored me or pushed me to the side, but he didn’t. He listened to me and told me who hurt him, and even if he didn’t give me all the details, he was willing to talk to me just the same._

Taking a deep breath, I searched deep in my soul for even a speck of hesitation or fear, but I couldn’t find any. It was like all the things that had been holding me back were gone, as if they hadn’t even existed to begin with. _I… I think I’m finally ready. Ready to tell him what really happened to me. Ready to tell him about my past, about my life before I came here. I’m ready to tell him about the Lightside._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! I'm sure a lot of you love me and a lot of you hate me right now, but fear not! Another chapter will be coming out soon, and I promise that you will have all the answers you require in the very near future. In the meantime, tell me what you think so far! I'm eager to hear your thoughts and theories, as well as any ideas on where you think this story is going. What did Patton do to Deceit? What did Patton do to Remus? What do you think is going to happen with the lightsides? Comment your thoughts! I'm curious. Thanks for reading and I'll see you in the next chapter!
> 
> ~Your Fellow Fander


	11. Remus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> **TRIGGER WARNING!** This chapter discusses sensitive topics that could possibly be harmful to the emotional well-being of some readers. Please double check the tags above and ensure that you will not be bothered in any way by the topics discussed in this novel. Reader discretion is advised. Please stay safe, and I'm sorry.

_It was like the big bang, but significantly smaller and less impressive. One minute I didn’t exist, the next I did. It was probably the strangest experience one could possibly have, spontaneously forming from thin air, but I didn’t necessarily have time to sit around and ponder it. I was a bit distracted, as the only thing I knew in those first few seconds was pain, intense, overwhelming pain. My whole body ached, like I had just run three marathons and then swam ten laps while being chased and bitten by ravenous piranhas… and a shark. Every single fiber of my being felt incredibly tender and raw, and I couldn’t even bear to move an inch with how intense the pain was. It was… the worst pain I have ever experienced, and likely ever will experience. And then as suddenly as the pain started, it stopped._

_I was lying on a cold, hard surface, in a very dark room where the only thing I could hear was the quiet breathing of someone or something a few feet away. The idea of someone else being in the room with me should have terrified me. Any rational person would be asking questions, demanding answers, trying to get out of there the very second they woke up, but I didn’t. I laid on what I assumed was a mattress and I tried to figure out what I knew and what I needed to find out. I didn’t know who I was or what I was. I didn’t know my purpose or my location. All I knew was that something was missing, a part of me that I couldn’t live without, and I needed that piece back._

_I don’t remember how I mustered the strength to get to my feet, or where I got the energy to move so fast, but one moment I was laying down, unable to move, and the next I was sprinting from the room, throwing open the door and racing down the halls, calling out for someone… someone that I was missing. Someone that I desperately needed to find. I could feel the pang in my chest, the aching, gaping hole in my chest that someone was meant to fill, and all that mattered to me in that moment was getting them back. As I stumbled down the hall, my feet flying beneath, all that I could think about was that person, that missing piece that I so desperately needed, the other half of me that I lacked._ I have to find them. I need them. God, I’m so close, I can feel it. I have to find them, I just have to. 

_And then my progress came to a screeching halt as a pair of arms caught me around the waist and held me tight._

_“Calm down. You need to stop right now before you wake everyone in the mind palace,” a mild, even voice told me._

_“I can’t,” I gasped, my voice sounding strange to my own ears as I pleaded with the person holding me. “I can’t stop. I need to find… them. I need to find my missing piece. Please, you have to understand. I need them. I don’t know who it is but I know I’m lost without them. Please, let me go so I can find them. I need them. Please.”_

_The stranger holding me captive opened their mouth to speak and then suddenly a door swung open and the hallway was filled with light. A light-blue clad young man stood in the doorway, a small boy in a red shirt by his side, holding his hands on his hips and glaring at both of us while the boy rubbed his eyes wearily and yawned._

_“What on earth is going on here?” the blue man demanded, looking from me to my captor with bloodshot, bespectacled eyes._

_“It’s you,” I said, pointing at the younger boy, whose eyes widened when they met mine. “You’re what I was looking for. You’re my missing piece.”_

_“What?” the blue man exclaimed, but the boy seemed to understand exactly what I meant. In an instant he was racing towards me, his arms open wide._

_The person holding me finally let go and I barreled into the boy, both of us tumbling to the ground in a heap as we laughed and hugged each other like long lost friends. The blue man exchanged a glance with the other person, a man wearing a tie and glasses that looked rather scholarly, and they watched as the boy and I chattered about this and that. Half the time I had no idea what I was trying to say, my vocal chords so fresh and inexperienced that they were having trouble working and my mind so young and new that it kept tripping over itself in its efforts to keep up, but the boy seemed to understand my half-formed thoughts and sentences, nodding and replying back with words that were much more comprehensible._

_“Logan, what do we do? I… it’s been so long since we’ve had to deal with a split. I don’t even know if they know who they are,” the blue man whispered frantically, practically buzzing with concern and fear._

_“_ Have _we ever dealt with a split before?” the scholarly man, Logan, mused._

_The blue man paled. “O-of course we have, Logan. Don’t you remember? The mind palace split into light and dark years ago.”_

_“I don’t believe that is the same as witnessing a side split into two separate, distinct sides, Patton,” Logan replied, his voice even and measured, “And as for your question, I suggest that we simply let them be for the time being. There’s no point in trying to bombard them with questions and figure out everything at once. If Romulus split into two different sides, there must have been a very good reason, and we will discover that reason over time. There’s no need to rush things. For now, I suggest we be patient and welcome these new sides into our home with open arms. After all, whatever their purpose may be, they’re both here to help Thomas. We should treat them as friends, not enemies.”_

_The two men kept talking back and forth, discussing things such as jobs, rooms, purposes, and other stuff like that, but I tuned them out for the most part. Their words were completely useless to me, empty fluff without any substance. What mattered to me was the red-clad boy in front of me, smiling at me with such kindness and familiarity that it made me feel safe and at home in this strange new environment in this strange new body with these strange new people. As long as I had this boy by my side, I knew I could do anything I put my mind to. The future, whatever it might hold, would be bright as long as he was in my life._

_“Roman, Remus, it’s time for dinner!” Patton called from the kitchen._

_“Coming Padre!” Roman replied, setting down his wooden sword on the bed._

_I scowled, chucking my own wooden sword aside, where it clattered on the ground loudly. “We’re always interrupted in the middle of a duel,” I complained bitterly and Roman laughed, placing a hand on my shoulder in comfort, which I shrugged off._

_“C’mon Remus! It’s your favorite time of day, food time. Let’s go see what Patton’s cooking for us tonight!”_

_Before I knew it, my brother was racing down the stairs, taking them two at a time in his eagerness to eat, but I dragged my feet as I reached the stairwell, biting the inside of my cheek as I glanced towards the loud, bustling kitchen, full of all sorts of scents that made my mouth water. Still, I found myself wishing I had stayed in my room instead, and I was about to try and sneak back up the stairs when I felt a hand on my shoulder. Glancing up, I saw Logan standing beside me, holding a book in one hand and gazing at me with a concerned frown._

_“Are you joining us, Remus?”_

_I sighed. “Yeah.”_

Damn it. How does he always know when I’m about to duck out? I swear, this guy has a Remus-is-in-trouble sensor or something, _I thought, grumbling to myself as I leapt down the rest of the stairs and landed unsteadily on my feet, Logan only a few feet behind as he adjusted his glasses and smiled._

_“Good. Afterwards I’ll read to you, if you’d like.”_

_At that, I perked up a little, nodding quickly, and together we made our way to the dining room, where Roman was setting the table and Patton was carrying in dishes of food, each looking and smelling even more fantastic than the last. Logan went to help Patton with the food while I helped Roman finish setting up the table, making sure everything was in its place and that there was nothing on the floor that would create a hazard in Patton and Logan’s path._

_Once everything was in place, Logan and Patton took their places at the head and foot of the table, and Roman and I sat across from each other in the middle. As Logan began to dish up the pasta that Patton had prepared and the fatherly side poured everyone their drinks, we all dug into the meal with vigor, devouring the pasta and garlic bread like we hadn’t eaten in days. No one seemed interesting in conversation for the first few minutes of our meal, everyone content to eat in silence and enjoy themselves. Finally, Patton took a sip of water before turning to Roman, a bright smile on his face._

_“So, what did you do today kiddo?” he asked cheerfully._

_“Remus and I created some new stuff in the Imagination. We made up this game where we each have our own castle and we have to take turns sneaking in and stealing something from the palace without getting caught, while the other person tries to catch them. It’s really fun!” Roman cried, speaking through a mouthful of pasta._

_“That sounds fascinating. Say, what did you end up creating in the Imagination? Anything particularly cool?”_

_“Not really,” he admitted. “My creations didn’t quite turn out the way I was hoping. But Remus made this really cool monster! It looked like a lion, a bear, and an octopus all mashed together! It was amazing!”_

_Patton hummed in a noncommittal manner before turning to Logan. “What did you do today, Lo? Get any of your projects done that you were working on?”_

_“Yes, in fact I did. I was able to create a very detailed work schedule for Thomas so he can make the most of his time and prevent procrastination. I’m actually quite proud of it. I think it will be very beneficial for Thomas so that he has more free time to spend doing other things he has a passion for,” he replied, his eyes glowing dark blue behind his glasses as a slight smile tugged at the corners of his lips._

_“That’s-” I began._

_“Amazing Logie!” Patton cried, not even sparing me a glance. “I knew you could do it! You were working on that schedule for ages, and I just knew that when you finished it would be perfect. I’m so proud of you!”_

_And so it went, the conversations bouncing back and forth between the three of them like an intense game of ping pong. Every time I tried to share my thoughts, Patton would quickly step in, talking over me and silencing me until I finally gave up. Sighing, I slouched in my chair, playing with my fork as they began talking about a show that Thomas had started watching recently, wondering why I had even bothered trying. I had known that no one would ask about my day or see if I had any thoughts on what movie we would be watching at the family movie night tonight, but that didn’t mean it hurt any less as I watched my brother and father figures completely overlook me._

_They acted like I wasn’t even there, like I didn’t even exist, and sometimes I wondered if it would be better if I didn’t. It didn’t seem like Thomas really needed me. I was just thought, unfiltered and chaotic, a tangled mess of ideas that clouded his head and kept him from getting things done. Not like Roman, who was important and necessary and good for Thomas. His brand of creativity was essential in Thomas’s daily life, while mine… wasn’t. He always did the right thing and knew exactly what to say to make Patton happy, while I just messed everything up. I knew I was just an annoyance to everyone and they only kept me around because they had to, and a part of me wished I could just disappear so I would stop causing them so many problems. That way they wouldn’t have to put up with me all the time and could finally get some work done._

_After dinner, I helped gather up all the dishes and I washed them while Roman dried and put all the plates, bowls, and silverware away. We worked quietly, having worked out a system after almost a year of being apart. Glancing at Roman out of the corner of my eye, I found that I still couldn’t believe it._ It’s crazy to think that once upon a time, we were one person and we were able to fulfil our purpose as Creativity all on our own. Now that we’re split, I can’t imagine it any other way. Having one person hold all that power, to control thoughts as well as actions, must have been so strange and probably a little exhausting at times. I wonder if Roman remembers anything from back then. Patton always says that he reminds him of Romulus. Maybe he has some of the memories from before the split. I certainly can’t remember anything. Then again, from the way Logan described it, I was the one who was formed from nothing, while Roman was created from Romulus’s old form, so maybe that has something to do with it. That might’ve also been why Roman never felt any pain during the split. He just lost a piece of what used to be a part of him, while I lost almost everything during the split. It’s kind of funny how my formation was so bizarre, and almost...random. I guess it’s just more evidence that goes to show that I’m a mistake and I never should have existed.

_Once we had finished, Roman raced off up the stairs, either to the Imagination to work on some more projects or to Patton’s room to hang out. I tried to pretend like it didn’t bother me that he would rather spend time with Patton than me, but I was certain I failed miserably. Sighing, I trudged into the living room, where I found Logan sitting on the sofa, a book in his lap. I perked up a little, bouncing over to him and curling up in his lap as he wrapped us both in a blanket and began to read. As I snuggled close, I couldn’t help but smile as I felt his arms around me, creating a protective bubble around me that nothing could break._ At least if nothing else, I’ll always have Logan by my side. I’ll always have someone in my corner who tries to see things from my point of view and includes me as a part of the family. As long as I have Logan, I’ll never be alone.

_“Remus, what are you doing?!” Patton cried, anger and fear in his voice._

_My head jerked up at the sharpness in his tone and I lost my balance, tumbling off the chair and to the ground below. One of the glasses fell from the table and shattered against the tile floor, shards of glass flying everywhere and covering me in dozens of tiny scratches. I blinked slowly for a minute, my mind still in the process of comprehending what had just happened. Glancing up at Patton, I saw that his face was a blank mask without a hint of any emotion. I couldn’t tell how angry he was at me for messing with Thomas’s school project, or how upset he was at me for breaking the cup, but I had a feeling I really didn’t want to know anyway. Trying to get to my feet, I winced as some of the shards dug into my palms and created little spots of blood on the tile._

_“S-sorry, Pat,” I managed, grinning weakly. “I didn’t mean to break anything. I’ll clean it up, and-”_

_“_ No! _” he snapped, his voice loud in the hushed quiet of the room. I flinched back and he quickly corrected himself. “No, Remus. I’ll handle this. You best get Logan to look at those cuts. We don’t want them to get infected.”_

_“O-okay, Patton. I’ll… I’ll do that.”_

_Trying to hide how badly I was trembling, I quickly rushed out of the kitchen, leaving Patton to grab a broom and begin to gather up the shards of glass. Wrapping my arms around my stomach, I began to climb the stairs, shivering slightly from something other than the cold. I couldn’t tell what hurt worse, the sting of the cuts all over my arms and face or the cold, piercing tone of Patton’s voice as he glared at me, his silence speaking a thousand words._ You’re not wanted here. Get out before you mess up again and break something else. _Sniffling slightly, I hurried up the stairs, still able to catch the words Patton muttered to himself as he cleaned up my mess._

_“I knew it was a mistake to let him stay here.”_

_Swallowing hard, I took the stairs two at a time, bursting into Logan’s room as tears began to fall. He sat up quickly in his reading chair, his eyes wide at my sudden entrance as he began to scold me for not knocking. Then he saw the tears streaming down my face and the blood flowing from the numerous cuts on my body and the words died on his tongue. Sitting on the edge of his bed as he cleaned my wounds and removed shards of glass from my skin, I told him the whole story through choked sobs, and he did his best to comfort me. I could tell he felt uncomfortable with how upset I was, as comforting people and dealing with emotions wasn’t his strong suit, but he still did his best to calm me down and help me feel better, and I appreciated the effort. Truth be told, I wasn’t sure if anyone would have been able to do any better._

_Roman could care less. He was off working on some new project that had taken up all his time, and he barely had time for me any more. I wouldn’t have been upset or jealous if he wasn’t_ always _coming up with new projects as an excuse to avoid me and leave me alone. It felt like every time I tried to talk to him he was busy with something else, something more important._ Although, what _isn’t_ more important than me anymore?

_And Patton? He thought I was an accident, a huge mistake waiting to rear its ugly head at the worst possible moment and cause an even bigger mess than I already did by just existing. He’d never come out and said any of this to my face, but I was more than capable of reading between the lines. All the times he ignored me or purposefully found a reason to exclude me from the conversation had taught me long ago that he only tolerated my existence because there was nowhere else for me to go. I was only welcome here as long as I played nice and kept to myself, and all this isolation was starting to get to me worse than it ever had before._

_Logan tried. He tried so hard to take care of me and make me feel loved, but he wasn’t perfect. He wasn’t able to see how the others treated me because he was always distracted. I didn’t blame him. I wasn’t asking or expecting him to fight my battles for me, but I just wished that for once I had an ally, an advocate for my purpose and my importance. I knew that Logan couldn’t be that person in my life. He was far too busy fulfilling his many duties to try and help me with mine. I couldn’t ask that of him. It wouldn’t be fair of me to do that to him._

_But that meant I was all alone. I didn’t have anyone who could be there for me. I didn’t have anyone to lift me up when I fell or reassure me that things would get better. All I had was myself, and I was beginning to think that I wasn’t all that great either._ I mean, if everyone is so determined to silence me and push me away, it must be for a reason, right? They wouldn’t do all of this just because they want to. So there must really be something wrong with me. I must be broken. That’s it! I’m broken and they don’t know how to fix me and make it so I no longer hurt Thomas, so they have to shut me out. But if I can behave and play nice, maybe they’ll love me again. Maybe if I find a way to fix all my broken parts they will love me and accept me like everyone else. I have to try. I can’t live like this anymore. Something has to change, and fast. I don’t know how much longer I can keep pretending that all of this is okay and that I’m okay. Nothing is ever really okay, but I’m going to change that, starting today.

_As soon as I stepped into my room and closed the door behind me, I felt the smile fall from my face and felt all the sorrow and frustration from the day wash over me. Pacing around the cold cobblestone floor, I began a mental checklist of all the ways I had messed up and hurt those I loved, counting them up and finding the sum, my hands yanking at my hair as I mumbled to myself._ I made Roman upset by bringing up the old times when we used to hang out and play in the Imagination. That’s worth two. Logan got worried when I mentioned feeling tired and dizzy. I distracted him from his work by making him concerned. That’s worth one. I spoke out of turn during family movie night and upset Patton, and in turn, Thomas. That’s worth four. At dinner, I flicked a meatball at Roman and got marinara sauce on his shirt, and that upset everyone. That’s worth five. So all of those added together, plus the incident from this morning, totals…… nineteen. Nineteen cuts for today.

_With that all figured out, I felt most of the tension leave my body, all of which had been building up throughout the day as I made mistake after mistake and repeatedly hurt all those I cared about. It was all by accident, of course, but that didn’t make it better. That didn’t make it right. Nothing could. Nothing but punishing myself for these mistakes, of course._

_Sitting down on my bed I reached into my bedside drawer and pulled out the razor that resided there. The blade was lightly stained red on the edges, as if I had left it outside in the rain and it had begun to rust, but I knew that the dried crimson streaks were not caused by something so simple and innocent. No, these streaks were caused by something much darker than that._

_Pulling up my sleeves, I tried to decide how exactly I wanted to divide up the cuts before finally deciding to do ten on one arm and nine on the other. Biting the inside of my cheek, I jerked the razor across my skin before I had time to think twice, feeling the pain bloom on my arm as thick red blood began to seep up from the wound. I watched for a moment, mesmerized by the way it trickled down the side of my arm like a mini waterfall and stained my skin crimson. Any reservations I might have held melted away as I felt my eyes dilate and let the pain take control of my mind._ You want this. You deserve this, _the voices in my head whispered._ You hurt those you love and now you must be punished. Do it. Do it now! You want this. You need this. You deserve this.

_My heart beat sped up as I added cut after cut on my skin, with each slash I scolded myself for all the ways I messed up. All the ways I always failed them. All the ways I would never measure up, never be good enough. Tears joined the rivulets of blood, spilling down to the floor and creating a puddle on the cobblestone below and I struggled to keep it together and keep going._ I’m sorry! I’m so sorry! I’m sorry I messed up! I’m sorry I failed you! I’ll do better, I promise.

_After the last cut was made, I stood there with my head hung low, the razor held loosely between my fingers as flecks of blood dripped from the shiny silver blade. I watched numbly as more tears streamed down my face and more blood flowed from my arm until I began to feel dizzy and sick, knowing that if I didn’t bandage my arms I might not live to see tomorrow. A part of me wanted to just lie down and let death take me, but my sense of self preservation kicked in the second the thought crossed my mind and I rushed to the bathroom, summoning medical supplies as I went._

_Working methodically, I cleaned and bandaged my wounds like I had done it a hundred times before, and after nearly a year of this, it was very likely that I had. Tying off the last bandage, I leaned against the sink and looked in the mirror at the small, pale boy staring back at me, his eyes bloodshot and surrounded by dark circles and his cheeks pink from the tears that had made tracks down his face only minutes before. Reaching out, I touched the cheek of the boy in the mirror before recoiling like I had been shocked. Swallowing hard, I felt my fingers tremble where I held them against my chest, my heart beating fast as my breath caught in my throat. As much as all the voices in my head kept telling me that I deserved this pain and that punishing myself was the only way to make everything better, I couldn’t help but realize that even as I gazed at my own reflection, I couldn’t recognize the boy staring back at me._

_Gazing at the faces surrounding me on all sides, I realized that I didn’t even remember how things had gotten so messed up in the first place. It had all begun with a peaceful discussion with Patton about possibly regaining a bit more creative control so that I could continue to fulfill my purpose and help Thomas, but that had quickly escalated when he refused my every request without even waiting and hearing me out, talking down to me like I was some sort of stupid, useless, rebellious child and not an important facet of Thomas’s personality, his equal. I had gotten a little heated, telling him exactly where he could shove his opinions, and suddenly Roman and Logan were there and I felt like I was backed into a corner._

_Patton was crying, clinging to Logan like he was the only life preserver left in a violent storm and he was lost at sea, but I could see through his act in a second. He was using the trust the others had in him to turn them against me, crying his crocodile tears and trying to make me the enemy when I most certainly wasn’t. I wanted so badly to strangle him, knock some sense into him perhaps, but I knew deep down that I couldn’t move against him, even if I really wanted to. If I did, that would only make me the villain he claimed me to be. The villain they all already saw me as._

_Roman was angry, glaring at me like I was the dragon-witch about to attack and kill them, and I watched with a sinking feeling in my gut as he moved to stand between the other sides and me, his hand resting firmly on his sword hilt in case I tried to get physical. Something in my heart told me that he wouldn’t hesitate to cut me down if I dared to threaten either Logan or Patton, and even though I had seen this coming, it still hurt to be betrayed by the one person I thought I could always count on._

_Logan looked conflicted, glancing between Patton and I with fear and concern as we argued back and forth. I could tell he just wanted everyone to settle down so we could discuss things calmly and come to a solution, but I was sick and tired of people speaking over me and determining what I could and could not do. I wasn’t going to sit by, playing nice and letting everyone else tell me what I could be. Calm, peaceful discussion wasn’t good enough for me anymore. I wasn’t content to sit in silence and watch as Patton stripped me of everything that made me who I was. Now was the time to fight back and scream out all the things that I kept stored in my heart for years._

_“Remus, please calm down,” Logan pleaded, holding out his hands in a gentle, reassuring manner. “We can talk about this. Whatever is wrong, we can make it right. Please, let’s all just sit down and discuss things rationally.”_

_“Logie, please help me! I can’t get him to stop! He threatened to hurt us all. I don’t know what to do anymore!” Patton cried, burying his face in Logan’s shirt._

_“Get back, foul beast! I will not allow you to hurt my family any longer, villain!” Roman glowered, unsheathing his sword and pointing at me threateningly._

_“Shut_ up! _” I screamed, silencing everyone in an instant. They all watched me, eyes wide and faces pale as I began to pace, scratching at my bandaged arms and pulling at my hair. “I am sick and tired of you all talking down to me and ignoring me every time I try to speak! Every single time I try to do my job and help Thomas, someone is always standing in the way, keeping me from fulfilling my purpose and silencing me every time I try to fight back. Well, I’m done with this shit! All I’ve ever tried to do is help Thomas and do what I’m supposed to do, and for that I’ve been abused, neglected, and isolated from everyone else. I’ve been treated like shit for the past three years and none of you even noticed or cared! None of you have_ ever _been on my side! You all just push me aside and ignore me, and I_ can’t _take it anymore!” Tears began to stream down my cheeks and I swiped at them angrily. “I may be broken. I may be stupid. I may be useless. I may be the biggest fucking mistake you’ve ever had the displeasure of being around, but I’m still one of Thomas’s sides and I deserve to be treated as such! I don’t care if you hate me. I don’t care if you want me dead. Hell,_ I _want me dead half the time. But don’t you_ dare _try to strip me of my power and my purpose. There’s a_ reason _I exist, whether_ you _see the need for me or not. Thomas_ needs _me. I won’t let you silence me anymore! I won’t stand by and watch as you try to get rid of me, to hide me away and pretend I never even existed. I am_ important. _I am_ necessary. _I am_ unique, _and I refuse to stay in a place where I will always be treated like a mistake that never should have happened. If you’re all so eager to get rid of me, then I’ll just leave and save you all the trouble!”_

_Before anyone could say or do anything to stop me, I took off, sprinting down the grey corridor and diving headfirst into the Darkside. It didn’t matter that I had no idea what would be waiting for me on the other side. It didn’t matter that I had always been warned away from the Darkside and told that it was dangerous. It didn’t matter that by leaving I would be hurting Logan and maybe even Roman a little, if he even cared for me at all anymore, that is. All that mattered was that I was free, free from the suffocating, stifling environment of the Lightside that had held me captive all those years. For once, I could finally be myself without fearing that I would hurt Thomas or upset any of the other sides that I had once called my family. For once, I could live in peace and fulfill my purpose without being suppressed and silenced at every turn. And if any dangers awaited me in the Darkside, I welcomed them with open arms. Even death was better than living one more day in a place where everyone thought I was a huge mistake and wished I had never even existed to begin with._

After I had finished, I glanced up at Deceit to find tears streaming down his cheeks, his hands covering his mouth as he struggled and failed to choke back a sob. I felt something cold and wet against my cheek and realized with a start that I was crying too. Dee opened his arms wide and I fell into them, welcoming the love and acceptance that I knew would be found in my father figure’s embrace. Dee led us to the couch, where we curled up together with a blanket, me cuddled in his lap while he ran his fingers through my hair and brushed the tears from my cheek. Glancing up at Pops’s tearstained face, I couldn’t help the small laugh that bubbled in my throat and escaped my lips, giggling breathlessly until my stomach hurt.

“W-what’s so funny?” Dee asked, his face painted in confusion.

“It’s nothing, really. I’m just… I’m really glad I have you, Pops. I don’t say it enough, but I really appreciate everything you’ve done for me. You took me in, patched me up, and accepted me as a part of your family, no questions asked. Not everyone would be willing to do something like that. In fact, I can’t think of anyone but you who would be so kind and loving. Thank you, Pops. If you hadn’t done what you did that day, I would’ve been dead. I wanted to die. I would have gladly welcomed death that day, if you had let me. But you saved me, and now I have this wonderful family to call my own. And no, our family isn’t perfect. It’s a little messy, a little chaotic, and a little broken, but it’s ours and I wouldn’t trade it for the world. I love you, Pops. Thank you for everything.”

More tears traced their way down Deceit’s cheeks, but these tears were of joy, not sorrow, as he leaned down and pressed a kiss to my forehead. “I am thankful for every day that I get to spend with you, Remus. You have brought so much joy in my life, in all of our lives. You made our lives so much better just by being a part of our family. I know the lights made you feel like you were worthless and broken, but they were wrong. You are not broken. You are hurt, and all the wounds that were inflicted on you will take time to heal, but they will heal. We will help you through all of your worst moments until you reach that point, and even then we will always be by your side to help you if you need us. You are not worthless. You are priceless. You are a treasure and a gift and you have done so much to make this family feel complete. You are everything, Remus. You are my whole world, my reason for living. I know you’re hurt and scared, but I promise you that you will always have a home and a family here. We all love you and we want you just the way you are. We love you, Remus. Nothing you say or do could ever change that.”

I smiled through tears and leaned against Deceit, feeling his arms wrap around me and hold me tight. Resting my head on his shoulder, I let my eyes flicker shut and I heard Dee sigh contentedly as he shifted slightly and settled more comfortably on the couch. We just sat there, eyes closed, not speaking but not needing to. There were no words left that needed to be said, nothing that was important enough to break the peaceful, gentle quiet that enveloped the both of us like a hug. We sat there on the couch and cuddled together, never fully falling asleep but never really feeling tired either, until morning finally came and we could see the sunrise crest over the mountains of the mindscape, filling the living room with the glorious light of rainbow light beams and covering us in its beauty.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone! Welp, if you've stuck by me this long, you're either insane enough to not hate me, or you hate me enough that you just want to see what I'm going to do next. Either way, thank you for reading! I really appreciate all the support you have all given me throughout the writing process, and I hope you enjoy all the chapters that are yet to come. Believe me, I am far from done with this story and these characters. I have lots of big plans for future chapters that I can't wait to get to, and I hope you enjoy reading them as much as I enjoy writing them. Again, I would like to apologize for this chapter, as it was a bit much to give you at once, and definitely far more emotional than I was expecting it to be. I hope that everyone is okay and ready for the next chapter, because let's just say that something very exciting is going to happen that I believe you'll all love (hopefully!). Anyway, thank you for sticking with me, and happy reading!
> 
> ~Your Fellow Fander


	12. Logan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oh, look at that! It's everyone's favorite character! (For real though, Logan's great, so enjoy y'all!)

My back ached as I stood and stretched, reaching my arms high above my head and sighing in relief as I felt my joints pop. I had been sitting at this desk for hours now, working tirelessly at countless projects to better Thomas’s life one step at a time, but even I had my limits. Yawning wearily, I glanced at the clock and realized it was nearly lunch time and I still had not eaten anything. Frowning, I wondered where Patton was. He usually came into my room to scold me if I missed a meal, but I had not seen my boyfriend all day. _Perhaps he is busy with something else,_ I mused, shrugging. _Oh well. I suppose I best take a break and eat. That way I can make myself a cup of coffee before I get back to work._

Stepping out of my room, I closed the door behind me and walked down the hallway to the landing, about to descend the stairs when I froze mid-step. _Something is terribly wrong._ My heart began pounding as I heard voices in the living room, one of them sounding completely foreign to me, and I realized with a start… _is Patton… shouting?_ Rushing down a few more stairs, the living room came into view and I nearly gasped out loud once I realized that standing in the living room was not only my boyfriend, but a side that I had only seen a few times before. _...Deceit?_

This threw me through a loop. Deceit was not the type of side to barge into our domain. In fact, the last time I had seen him in the Lightside was probably before the Lightside even existed. Back when it was just the mind palace, and we were all just Thomas’s sides, living together in peace and harmony. _God, I do not remember much of anything back then. I am not sure how the split even happened. I wonder if Patton remembers… no! That does not matter right now. Focus on the task at hand. Finding out what Deceit is doing here._

Crouching low so they could not see me, I watched as the reptilian side yelled at Patton about something… or perhaps about someone. Deceit seemed to feel that the blue-clad side had wronged this individual, although I was not certain who they were talking about for a majority of the conversation. That is, until Deceit finally lost his cool and exploded at Patton.

“They are two parts of a whole!” he shouted, and I watched as the other side went silent, reeling back slightly at his harsh tone. “Does that story sound familiar, Morality? One whole being, split apart and separated by a divide that they can’t control? Two boys separated not by choice, but by sides that they were forced to choose? Tell me this isn’t the exact same thing repeating all over again.”

_What is he talking about? Two boys separated… Roman and Remus? Is this about Remus? Of course! It would only make sense that Deceit would confront us about the boy after finding him in the Darkside. But… why did he specifically target Patton? And why does he seem so upset? Did something happen that I am unaware of? Obviously, the boy was extremely distraught upon entering the Darkside, and he clearly felt wronged and ignored and hurt, but I do not believe that is what has Deceit so upset, not entirely at least. And what did he mean by ‘the exact same thing repeating all over again’? Is he talking about the split? Or… did another side split that I was unaware of? What on Earth is going on?_

I was not sure what Deceit meant, but it was clear that Patton did, because for the first time during their whole argument, the fatherly side went silent. He gazed at the other side with a strange look in his eye, his mouth twisted in an expression that was not quite a scowl, but not quite a grimace either. _Interesting. The two clearly share many memories, and perhaps the two share some sort of history together. But what could that history be?_

“Exactly. You can’t. And you know what that means, don’t you? One can’t exist without the other. In order for Roman to exist, Remus must also, in order to keep the balance, to create duality. You can’t touch him, because if you do, you’ll be hurting Roman, too.”

Even from a distance, I could see how tense Patton was. He took a deep breath, his face flushed slightly, and I noticed how tightly his jaw was clenched, the way his hands balled into fists in anger. Patton was beginning to lose his temper with Deceit, something I had never thought I would see. _This is… so strange. I have never seen Patton angry before. It is not in his nature to be so volatile. At least, I had not thought so. But Deceit… he does not look surprised. He actually looks like he was expecting this. I… feel so lost and confused right now. I am not certain what exactly happened between Patton and Deceit, but this fight… it is personal. They hold some sort of anger towards each other for an event in their past that was left unresolved. The only questions I have left are ‘what happened?’, and ‘who was the cause for such a traumatic event?’._

“Perhaps not, but if your theory is false, he will fade, Deceit. Sides like him, they can’t be used. They are parts of Thomas, yes, but not parts that he can do anything feasible with. And what are you going to do when he does fade? What will you do when they all fade? One. By. One.”

I felt chills crawl up my spine at how cold Patton’s voice was when he spoke, at the grim satisfaction that was painted across his face at the thought of other sides fading from existence. _God, that is horrible! It does not matter whether a side is light or dark, no one should enjoy the idea of another side fading. From what I have heard and my research, it is a terrifying, irreversible experience that should not be made light of. God, Patton. What the heck?_ Maybe I did not know my boyfriend as well as I had thought.

“I don’t know,” Deceit admitted, and Patton seemed caught off-guard by that. I myself was also quite shocked by such brutal honesty, and coming from _Deceit_ of all sides? My mind ran wild with this new information as I struggled to connect it with the preconceived notion I had of who Deceit was, but they were incompatible.

“I don’t know what I’ll do. I’m… I’m nothing without them…”

Deceit kept talking on, but I could not hear him over the sound of my thoughts running together in a tireless stream, racing on as I tried to come to grips with this new reality I was presented with. Patton, who was not the kind, gentle, loving man I had thought him to be. Deceit, who was not the villainous, manipulative, evil side I had been told about. I wondered what else I was wrong about, what else that had been misconstrued by my prejudice and blindness. I thought of Remus and my heart ached.

_Wherever you are, I hope you are happier than we are. I miss you, but I have to believe that it is better this way. You will not be ignored and treated poorly in the Darkside. I wish that I had seen your pain sooner, and that you did not have to leave to find a true home, but I am glad you got out of here when you did. Nothing makes sense here anymore. I am not sure who I can believe, who I can trust. How much of what Patton has told me has been a lie? How much has he hidden from us over the years? What…_

Suddenly, Deceit sprang forward and gripped Patton by the collar, their faces inches apart. I bit my tongue to keep from crying out in alarm, knowing that I could not interfere here. This was not my fight, and by the looks of things, Patton was far from concerned by the situation either way. His expression was completely unperturbed, although I had to wonder how much of that was an act meant to make him seem tougher than he was, as I could still see him shaking slightly under Deceit’s intense gaze. Patton may not have been taking the situation seriously, however, Deceit looked deadly serious as he murmured in a low, quiet voice that I had to strain to hear.

“You can insult me all you want, break me down, tear me apart, I don’t care, but don’t you _dare_ insult my sons ever again. They have never done _anything_ to you to cause this hostility and revulsion towards them. You best learn to hold your tongue if you want what’s best for you and for Thomas, because if I hear you say one more thing against them, I will hold it for you, _permanently. All_ sides are important and needed and there is _never_ a time when it is okay to treat anyone like this. None of them would ever purposefully hurt Thomas. If they did, they wouldn’t exist, so you can stop all this high-and-mighty talk about protecting Thomas. You’re only protecting yourself and the control and power you yield. Now I suggest you shut the fuck up before I’m forced to do something I regret.”

I blinked in surprise. _I never would have expected this sort of protectiveness and passion for the darksides from Deceit. He never seemed like the type who would put himself at risk to help others… but I suppose I have been wrong about an awful lot today. Perhaps this is yet another misconception I had of the side. He does seem to care awfully deep for the darksides. He even called them his sons. Perhaps… perhaps Deceit is the darksides’ father figure, much like Patton is to us. That would make sense, I suppose, as there must be someone to take care of them. From what I have seen of the darksides, most of them are rather young, and would benefit from some sort of guardian to look after them. Fascinating._

Patton laughed.“Your ‘sons’? Oh Dee, that’s so sweet. You truly think they care about you, don’t you. Oh, poor dear. You realize they're only using you, right?”

_What is he getting at? Is he suggesting…?_

“I thought I told you to shut the fuck up,” Deceit snarled, but I could see his resolve beginning to waiver as his hands trembled slightly, loosening from Patton’s collar.

“Think about it, Dee. They love you and care about you because you’re their guardian. You’re there to take care of them, keep them safe, and help them whenever you can. They think that you are strong and brave and that you can protect them from the big bad lightsides. But you’re not. You’re weak, fragile, and you can’t do anything for them. You pretend to be strong, put up a facade of control and power, but you aren’t. You’re a failure who is only delaying the inevitable. And once you show them your weakness they will leave you, no longer needing you in their lives. They only love you as long as they benefit from your existence, and once they realize that you can’t help them anymore they will abandon you. When they do, you’ll spend the rest of your life sad, pathetic, and unloved until you fade and die alone. Once they can no longer get anything from you, they’ll leave you in the dust. Because you’re weak, pathetic, unable to protect yourself, much less them.”

_Oh my God, Patton. How could you say that?_

“I’m not weak.” I could hear the tiny quaver in Deceit’s voice as he spoke, see him shrink in on himself just the slightest bit, but I knew Patton saw it by how widely he was smiling, the look on his face reminiscent of a cat playing with a mouse.

“Oh Dee, you can lie to me all you want, but you’ll never be able to lie to yourself. You are weak. You’re pathetic and you know it. You can barely hold yourself together most days, and then you work so hard to try and take care of everyone around you, but you can never be good enough, never work hard enough, to make them stay, to make them love you. You know what I’m saying is the truth. After all, think about why Hatred left.”

My eyes widened as Deceit slammed Patton against the wall, knocking the breath out of him, and I could tell by the way his eyes were glowing bright gold that he could barely contain himself from doing much worse. _Holy shit! I do not know the relevance of what Patton just said, but it clearly struck a nerve._ _God, what is Patton trying to do?_

“How _dare_ you bring him up! How _dare_ you speak his name, after all that you’ve done! Hatred didn’t leave. He faded. He faded because of _you._ You used your sway over Thomas, constantly whispering in his ear, telling him how Hatred was bad and he should avoid him, and it was your actions that turned Thomas against him. That wasn’t my fault. I tried to protect him. His blood is on your hands, not mine.”

I stifled a gasp. _Patton… you didn’t. Tell me you didn’t just use the name of a faded darkside against Deceit. No… no, that’s not you. That’s not what you would do. This can’t be you. This must be a mistake, an illusion, a trick, something! This can’t be the same man I fell in love with. It just can’t be!_

“But think about why he really died, Dee. He didn’t die because of me. He died because of _you._ He died because _you_ were too weak to protect him. You _failed_ him. If you were strong enough to protect him and save him, he would have never faded to begin with. His blood is on _your_ hands. You’re just too weak to admit it.”

“No.” Deceit was visibly shaking, his breath coming out in quick, short gasps as his grip loosened on Patton’s collar. I could not help but wish that I could reach out and comfort him. Something about the pain in his eyes made me feel irrational, wanting to race down there and protect him from Patton’s harsh words that he was using as weapons against the darkside. I did not know why I felt this strange protectiveness over the snake-like side, but the feeling was still there, whether it was rational or not.

“And soon enough all your sons, your family will face the same fate. One by one, they’ll grow weak, fade, and die, and it’ll be all your fault. All because you were too weak to protect them like you promised. And when they die, then you’ll be all alone. Just like you were meant to be.”

_God._

That managed to snap Deceit out of whatever pain-filled daze he had been trapped by, and he slammed Patton against the wall again, harder. I was not sure whether to cheer or feel bad for the fatherly side. I was conflicted, to say the least. However, I could tell by his gasp of pain that Deceit had bruised him, or perhaps even broken a rib or two. It was hard to tell from this distance, even harder to tell when Patton managed to keep a straight face through the whole thing, not even wincing once.

“Listen to me and listen to me good, because I am not going to repeat myself. If you lay a finger on any of my sons, if you harm a hair on their head, I will personally drag you down to Hell myself and _obliterate_ you. Consequences and Thomas be damned, if you ever hurt them, I will end you, even if I have to take myself out with you. Do you understand?” Deceit growled.

“Crystal queer,” Patton replied, a smirk on his face.

I watched as Deceit released Patton’s collar and took a step back, his breath still coming out in short gasps. His anger seemed to have drained from him all at once and he was left looking tired and pale, so much so that I feared he might collapse where he stood. _There is something wrong with him. Something off. I cannot lay my finger on it, but I know that he is hurting from something. I am not sure if it is from whatever conflict he and Patton had in the past, or something else, but I must get to the bottom of it. I will figure this out, one way or another._

“Heed my warning or don’t. One way or another, you’ll pay for everything you’ve done, Morality. You leave my sons and my family alone, or you won’t like the reality you wake up to.”

Patton casually fixed his shirt collar, a smirk still on his face. As Deceit turned to walk away, the fatherly side called after him. “Whatever you say, Janus.”

Deceit froze mid-step and I hissed a quiet breath of pain. _Damn. I can’t believe he did that. I can’t believe Patton would go so far as to use Deceit’s own name against him. That’s a low blow for anyone, but especially for Patton. And he knew his name. That was something that Deceit had willingly told him at one point or another, and Patton just betrayed his trust. I wonder how close they must have been, to have known each other and trusted each other so much._

I watched as Deceit’s steps faltered for a moment and he looked like he might collapse right then and there, but with a deep breath he straightened his shoulders and continued his march into the grey corridor that led to the Darkside, although as he left, I could have sworn I had seen something fall to the floor. Something incredibly small that evaded Patton’s notice as he winced, rubbing his sore back as he retreated back into the kitchen. Creeping down the stairs as quietly as I could, I walked over to the place where the snake-like side had stood and knelt down, searching for the object in question. My glasses slipped down my nose and I pushed them back into place before freezing once I located the mysterious item that had eluded me. On the pristine hardwood floors, so small you would not see it unless you were looking for it, laid a single, sorrowful tear.

Since that day I had struggled to act as if nothing had happened. Patton seemed completely unbothered by the whole confrontation, never once bringing it up with me or Roman. It was as if Deceit and Remus did not even exist, how smoothly things seemed to carry on, but I found that I could not let go of things so easily. Part of me wanted so badly to go into the Darkside and find Deceit. I needed to talk to him, figure out what was going on and get the answers I seeked, but I knew that Patton would never allow it. The Darkside was a taboo subject and the darksides even more so. He would surely stop me if he caught me trying. Good thing I was not planning on asking his permission.

As I ran through the plan in my head one more time, I fine-tuned a few remaining points before finally deciding that tonight was the night. It had been several weeks since Remus ran away, almost a month, and I was beginning to feel especially anxious over his absence. This visit was mostly meant to serve as a way to calm my conscience and ensure myself that he was alright so that I no longer worried about him every second of the day. I also missed the younger side terribly, if I was being completely honest with myself. While Patton and Roman were nice company, Remus was just… real. He did not try to put up a fake pretense or hide who he really was. He just… was, and I truly appreciated that, especially now that I felt like I myself was wearing a mask and pretending to be someone I was not.

 _It is going to be okay. I will get to see him tonight. I just need to survive through the rest of today and wait until everyone is sound asleep before sneaking over to the Darkside. Simple._ That, of course, led to the issue of the Darkside itself. Patton had made it out to be this dangerous, volatile, deadly place that would destroy us if we so much as approached it, but I was not certain that he was completely correct about this assumption. That being said, I was not completely sure if he was incorrect either, as I had never visited the place myself. However, I knew that I had to try, even if it meant risking my own well-being. I was no longer willing to live in ignorance and fear, subjected to Patton’s every suffocating, manipulative, abusive whim. He wanted us to be afraid, but I wanted the truth, even if I had to risk my life to find it.

Glancing at the clock, I realized that Patton would be calling us down to dinner soon and I quickly went downstairs to join him in the kitchen. As much as I wished I could avoid him for the rest of the day, I knew that I could not draw any suspicion to myself by acting out of turn. So I swallowed my discomfort and walked confidently into the kitchen, sidling up next to him to help with the preparations. He glanced over at me out of the corner of his eye, a slight smile teasing his lips as he stirred the soup boiling over the open flames.

“Could you mince some vegetables for me, Logie?” Patton asked, gesturing towards the food setting out on the countertops.

“Of course, Patton,” I said politely, grabbing a knife and walking over to the cutting board as I began to mince.

He watched me for a moment, something light and soft in his eyes that I had not seen in a long time. _That is the Patton I fell in love with,_ I realized with a start. _The Patton who is kind and sweet and loving. But… do I still feel the same way I used to? Do I… still love him?_ I searched his eyes, trying to find any trace of the affection and connection we had once held, but there was nothing there. I did not hate the side. I was not sure if it was possible to hate Patton, no matter what he had done, although, with me not knowing exactly what he had done, it would be rather foolish to make that assumption. Either way, I simply was not in love with him anymore. In fact, I was rather certain that I had fallen out of love with the fatherly side long ago, but I had been so distracted by my work and so caught up with our ordinary routine that I had failed to recognize it until now. _How did I not realize my feelings were changing? How was I so blind to this disconnect for so long? And why have I realized all of this now of all times? What changed between us these past few weeks to cause this sudden revelation?_

_Perhaps it has to do with Remus leaving, or our fights over him. I suppose that could have created more tension between us that we would usually experience. But I certainly would not categorize this as Remus’s fault. He was not the catalyst, nor was he the cause. His disappearance only made it more obvious to me how many problems Patton and I have in our relationship. No, this problem originated long ago. We were just never meant to have a romantic relationship. Perhaps we were too different, or perhaps we just grew apart, or maybe we just did not try hard enough and put in the effort required to make this work, but whatever the reason, our relationship is falling apart. Ugh. This does not matter right now. I can deal with our relationship drama later. For now, I just need to keep pretending that everything is normal so I can get through today and go to the Darkside tonight without any problems._

“Logie? Logan? Earth to Logic, you okay there?”

I blinked, glancing up at the blue-clad side quickly and pasting on a smile. “My apologies, Patton. I must have gotten lost in thought.”

He giggled. “No worries, Logie. Could you call Roman? Dinner’s just about ready.”

“Of course.”

Walking to the foot of the stairs, I announced, “Roman, the food is nearly ready. Would you be so kind as to assist in setting the table?”

“Coming Logan!” Roman replied, poking his head out of his room.

The creative side was dressed in his prince uniform, which he had been wearing more and more frequently as of late, and I could not help but think of Remus with his outfit as well. _God, I miss him. I wonder if Roman misses him as well. After all, they are brothers. Surely he must think of him now and then, wondering what his brother is doing, if he is still alive, if he is still upset at us for what we did._ Roman shot me a smile as he walked past, his eyes shining happily while he hummed and set the table. _But, perhaps not. Patton has been poisoning his mind with his prejudices and opinions of the darksides for so long that Roman might not miss his brother. He might be glad that he is gone. I certainly hope not, but with Roman, it is hard to tell. He is not necessarily open about these things. Perhaps I will ask him about it some other time._

I suffered through dinner in silence, only speaking when spoken to. Patton and Roman did not seem to notice, however, talking amongst themselves with idle, useless chatter as they ate, and I found myself wondering if this was how Remus felt. Ignored, unwanted, alone. I bit my lip, holding back a sigh as my mind was filled with all my regrets. _I am so sorry, Remus. I was ignorant and blind. I assumed you would talk to me if something was wrong, but I was wrong to think that. I should have looked after you better. If I was not so distracted, I would have seen things clearer and I might have been able to prevent this whole mess. Maybe then you would still be sitting by my side, laughing and talking._

_But… would things actually change if I knew the truth? Would things really get any better? I do not think Patton would be so willing to change his mind after all this time. I do not think he would treat you any better, even if I tried to help you speak up. As much as I know you were hurt, and as hard as it must have been for you to leave, I think that may have been your best and only option. As much as I miss you, I know you are better off wherever you are now. From the small glimpse I have seen of the Darkside, it seems like you have a loving family there for you. I hope so. The last thing I would ever want for you was all the pain and sorrow you experienced here. I can only pray that things are better there._

After dinner, I helped Roman wash and dry the dishes before we all gathered in the living room for a family movie night. I sat in the middle of the sofa, waiting for the others to put on their onesies, a tradition I had chosen to opt out of tonight to save time later. It would take too long to change back into my normal clothes for my trip to the Darkside, and I knew the others would not be surprised by my decision either. They had given up trying to convince me to partake in childish activities such as that long ago, knowing that I would only do something if I truly desired to do it, and wearing a onesie was never going to make the list.

Once the others had returned, Patton put in a Disney movie, _The Princess and the Frog,_ and grabbed a blanket as he cuddled up against one side of me, his head leaning on my shoulder and our sides pressed together. The heat of his body against mine felt like it was scalding and it took a lot of willpower not to flinch or push him away, biting the inside of my cheek and flipping open my book to distract myself. Roman curled up on the other side of me, his head resting on a pillow in my lap, and Patton ran his fingers through the boy’s hair as the movie began to play. I forced myself to tune out everything going on around me: Roman singing along to every song that came on, Patton making a bunch of frog themed puns, them both laughing and quoting the movie to each other, all of it.

By the time the movie was over, Roman had fallen asleep and Patton was looking pretty tired himself. I had never been so eager to volunteer to put the boy to bed, telling Patton that he should go try and get some rest. He looked so grateful, getting up slowly and stretching, a yawn clawing its way from his throat. Patton kissed my cheek before heading upstairs, offering a sleepy “goodnight” before his door shut behind him. Grimacing, I rubbed the kiss from my cheek as I gently picked Roman up, careful to keep from waking him up, and made my way up the stairs to his room.

Tucking the boy in, I left to my room and waited for a half an hour, an hour, an hour and a half, and once two hours had passed, I knew it was time to go. _No time like the present. If I do not go now, I doubt I will muster up the courage to go later._ Sneaking out of my room, I shut the door behind me and tiptoed down to the living room before standing at the entrance of the grey corridor, feeling the slight chill emanating from the foggy hallways laying on the other side. Taking a deep breath, I squared my shoulders before taking one step after another, ignoring the way my hands trembled slightly and my breath caught in my throat. None of that mattered, not anymore. _I’m coming, Remus. I just hope you want to see me when I arrive._

I had only stepped a few feet into the dark, foggy, cold hallway of the Darkside when I saw a tall, thin silhouette walking towards me, barely visible through the mist. A part of me wanted to turn and run at the sight, but I knew that was just the fear talking. I had no reason to assume that this person, whoever it was, had malintent. So I stood my ground and waited for the figure to approach.

“You know, I’m beginning to think I need to put up some sort of sign at the grey corridor,” a voice drawled, a mixture of amusement and annoyance coating their words. “This is the second time in the past month that a lightside has wandered into my domain. Clearly, something needs to be done, because I would hate for anyone else to make the mistake of wandering into such a dark, damp, desolate place. You never know what monsters lurk in the shadows, after all.”

The figure breached the fog and I caught sight of a black caplet and yellow gloves as Deceit stepped forward, stopping a few feet from where I stood. I could not tell what was going on in his mind, as his face was schooled into a very neutral expression, but one eyebrow was raised curiously and he appeared to be awaiting a response.

“I… am sorry to intrude, Deceit. I know that you probably are not exactly eager to host a visiting side, especially not so late at night,” I replied diplomatically.

He sighed. “While I was not expecting company, I am rather glad that it was you and not either of the other lightsides. From what I can tell, you are the most tolerable of them all, according to Anxiety at least. However, I am quite curious as to why you decided to come here in the middle of the night. It’s rather unusual, to say the least.”

“Who is Anxiety?” I asked curiously.

“None of your concern,” he snapped, his snake-like eye glowing gold dimly.

“Right, my apologies,” I backpedaled quickly. “To answer your previous question, I came here for many reasons, I suppose. The most obvious being that I wanted to check on Remus. I… I do not know if he wishes to see me, and I am not certain whether he harbors any negative feelings towards me concerning previous events, but I wish to make sure that he is alright and hopefully apologize for being so ignorant and blind in the past.”

His eyes glowed brighter. “What are the other reasons?”

I hesitated. “I suppose a part of me wanted to talk to… you.”

Deceit blinked, surprise clear on his face as the light in his eyes went out. For once, he seemed to be at a loss for words. “You want to… what?”

“Talk to you. I want to get to know the Darkside and the darksides. I feel that you have all been severely misjudged and mistreated since, well, since the very beginning, really. I would like to put aside my previous prejudice and get to know the real you, as well as the rest of the darksides, in order to come up with my own conclusion. I know that you do not trust me. It only makes sense that you would not be willing to allow this, but I was hoping you would at least allow me to visit Remus for tonight,” I requested.

Deceit was quiet for a moment, processing my words and searching them for any ill will or secret agenda, but I had none. My motives were pure, and my words were true. While he struggled to formulate an answer, I found myself rather distracted by the snake-like side himself.

Almost instinctively, I began examining Deceit more closely, as I was seeing him up close for the first time. I was able to see how his scales traced down the side of his face and covered his neck, disappearing under the neckline of his yellow, button up shirt. One of his eyes, the one on the human side of his face, was the same warm brown as Thomas’s, but the other was a vibrant yellow, with the same slitted pupil as most reptiles were born with. His hair was brown and slightly curly, hidden mostly under his hat, but a couple locks had escaped and were resting against his temple in a way that most would consider to be rather dashing. While his fashion sense was a bit overdone for my taste, I had to admit the black and yellow color scheme contrasted his slightly tan skin tone wonderfully. I was surprised to find that while from far away, Deceit had appeared rather monstrous and a little terrifying, up close he seemed much more human and for some reason even slightly… _attractive? When did_ that _thought enter my head?_ I wondered, caught off-guard by the sudden intrusion. _That is… strange._

“I can’t speak for the others. If you want to speak with them and get to know them, you’ll have to ask for their permission, not mine. But that can wait until another day. For now, I will allow you to visit Remus _briefly._ It’s rather late and he can be a little cranky if he doesn’t get enough rest. As for talking to me…” Deceit hesitated, and I could see how conflicted he was on the inside, “I will allow you to ask me a few questions, but I reserve the right to refuse to answer if I so choose. Does that sound fair?”

“That is quite satisfactory, thank you, Deceit,” I agreed, a slight smile lighting up my face that I could not hold back.

_That went far better than I expected._

“However,” he continued, “first, I must ask you a few questions myself. Forgive me for not fully trusting you, but considering all the experiences I’ve had with lightsides, I’m not inclined to simply spill my heart out to you, or let you near my children, without having at least a slight idea as to who they’re talking to.”

“That sounds fair enough. I would not be opposed to sharing information with you.”

“Good. If you could please follow me, that would be wonderful.”

Deceit turned on his heels and began walking down the halls, and I quickly followed after him, staying a few paces behind so that he could lead the way. I was not certain as to where we were going, or what might lay ahead of these twisting, confusing corridors, but for some reason, that did not concern me. I trusted Deceit, however strange and impractical that might sound, and I knew that he knew where he was going. My gut told me that as long as I followed Deceit and did as he told me, I would not be in any danger. I did not know what the Darkside held, but I trusted that Deceit would keep me safe in any case.

We stopped in front of a door, its surface made of dark oak and its design very plain, and Deceit opened the door, gesturing for me to step inside. I did as I was told, glancing around the very empty room in confusion. Glancing over at the snake-like side, I watched as he stepped in and closed the door, snapping his fingers as he did so. The room quickly transformed into an office of sorts, with a desk, a chair, a bookshelf full of books, and a clock hanging on the wall, informing me that it was nearly eleven o’clock at night. Deceit walked over and sat at the desk, his arms resting on his wooden surface with his fingers steepled before him. The atmosphere in the room was not necessarily tense, but there was an air of seriousness and it felt very business-like, almost as if I was interviewing for a job.

“Please, sit,” Deceit said, and with the wave of a hand, another chair appeared on the other side of the desk.

I sat, gazing around the room in slight awe. “How… how are you doing that? If you do not mind me asking, that is. I… I have never seen another side alter the interior of a room like that, unless it was their own room or they happened to be Creativity.”

Deceit smiled, seemingly pleased with himself. “Remus made it for me. It’s a room that changes depending on what you desire it to be. It was a gift. A gift for letting him into our family, although no gifts were ever required. Truth be told, Remus himself is a gift to us,” he smiled warmly, a softness in his eyes that I had not seen before.

I was slightly surprised to find that his teeth were not entirely human, and that he had fangs that replaced his incisors, their points needle-sharp. However, in spite of this abnormality, or perhaps because of it, he had a very nice smile, his teeth pure white and shining in the dull light. The sight of his smile made something warm blossom in my chest, although I ignored it for the time being. _Focus on the task at hand._

“Well, it is truly marvelous. I am thoroughly impressed by the design.”

“I’ll be sure to tell him that. I think he’ll really appreciate the compliment,” he said, a slight smile still on his face. In an instant, however, he schooled his features into a neutral expression. “Alright, let’s begin. You’re known as Logic, correct?”

“That is correct, although you are free to call me Logan, if you prefer. It is my name, after all.”

“Noted. How would you describe your relationship with Remus?”

“I would say it resembled a father son relationship, although it has become increasingly clear to me that I could have done a better job of keeping an eye on him and taking care of him. It appears I still have room for improvement,” I replied.

Deceit nodded, glancing away for a second before turning back to me. There was some sort of vulnerability in his gaze that surprised me, and I wondered if something I had said had hit a sore subject. I certainly had not meant to hurt him, but it made me even more curious. Deceit’s past was so mysterious and I could not wait until it was my turn to ask him some questions about himself.

“You and Morality are… in a relationship currently, are you not?” His voice sounded slightly strained.

“I suppose you could say that.”

“How much would you say Thomas listens to you?” He refused to meet my eye.

“As much as one would expect, I suppose. I keep him productive and healthy, making sure he uses logic in everything he does. However, I would be inclined to say that Patton has a far greater role in his life than I do.”

“What do you know about… the fade?”

My eyes widened. “The fade? Not nearly as much as I would like to know, I am afraid. I know that only a darkside can fade, and that it is a rather painful experience, but other than that-”

“You’re wrong,” Deceit interrupted, his voice cold and emotionless. The brim of his hat hid his eyes from me, but I could see the tightness in his jaw as he spoke. “Any side can fade. We all have the ability to disappear if we cease to fulfil our purpose. That begs the question as to why a lightside hasn’t faded, doesn’t it? Why, if all sides are able to fade from not completing their duties, hasn’t a lightside faded before?”

He paused, as if awaiting an answer, but I did not have one for him. In fact, I was not sure if I could speak at all. It was as if there was something holding me back, preventing me from sharing my thoughts and theories. It did not feel like the hand over my mouth that I knew Deceit could cause. This was different, and I was not sure exactly what was going on, but I did not like it in the least.

“And the fade isn’t painful. Not physically, at least. The fade is like psychological warfare. It damages you mentally because it is irreversible. Once you begin to fade, there’s nothing anyone can do to help you. Therefore, it can be used to incite fear among others, threatening them with the same fate if they don’t bend to your will. And do you know who is behind the fade?”

My throat went dry. I shook my head mutely, although I had an idea.

“Patton Morality Sanders.” His voice was bitterly cold now, dark and angry while still maintaining a glimpse of control, restraint. “The fade is his weapon of choice, a fate that he constantly threatens us with at every turn. He has already claimed the lives of so many innocent sides, so many sides who, just because they were labeled as ‘dark’, he deemed worthy of death. And yet, who is deemed the villain of the story, Logic? Who has he always warned you against, warned you to avoid at all costs, told you was a lying, manipulative, conniving snake meant to trick you into sinning? Who did he teach you to fear?”

“Y-you,” I managed through dry lips.

“Tell me, Logic. Who is it you fear? The darksides? Do you truly fear us? Do you think we are as Morality warned you? Do you believe his tales of demons and darkness and death?” His voice went soft, his words barely a whisper as he asked, “Are you afraid of me?”

“No.”

Deceit’s head shot up as he looked me in the eye. “W-what?”

“I do not fear you, Deceit. I do not fear the Darkside or the darksides. I used to fear you, once upon a time, but not anymore.”

“What changed?” he asked, his voice still so quiet, so soft and vulnerable.

“I saw you confront Patton that day, shortly after Remus ran away. I overheard some of what you said, although I am afraid I missed a great deal of the conversation in my haste to theorize and wonder. But I still saw your passion and drive, saw how much you loved the darksides and how protective you were over them, and I realized that the image Patton had created of you in my head and the version of you standing before me did not connect, could never connect, because they were entirely incomprehensible. He was wrong to call you a monster. In fact, of any of the sides I have met thus far, I would say the most monstrous of us is… well, Patton himself.”

He stared at me for a moment, unsure how to proceed. “But… I thought you… and Patton…?”

“I am beginning to question my involvement in any sort of relationship with Patton,” I replied, my voice firm, “But that does not matter. This is not about romantic ties or the lack thereof. You had other questions to ask me, I am certain.”

Deceit glanced down at the list sitting on the desk, blinking slowly. I watched in surprise as he took the list and ripped it in half, letting the halves fall to the floor and disappear into thin air. “I believe I have all the information I need for now. Logic, I believe it is your turn. What questions do you have for me?”

_That… was it? I… I was certain that Deceit would have more questions in store for me. I am a complete stranger, after all, and he seems rather protective of his family. But… perhaps he recognizes that I pose them no threat. Perhaps he has already started trusting me, even just the slightest bit. No matter. Time to ask him some questions of my own._

“What do you remember from… before the split?”

He blinked, clearly expecting something else. “The split? I suppose I remember as much as any other side. Why do you ask?”

“You are the second eldest side, are you not? Would I be incorrect in that assumption?”

“You are correct... but what does that have to do with anything?”

“You were there when the split happened. I was not.”

“What?” Deceit looked incredibly confused. “But… you’re the eldest side. How were you not around for the split?”

I bit back a laugh, feeling a little embarrassed. “Back then I spent weeks at a time camped out in my room, only coming out every so often to get food, and even then my nose was buried in a book. I did not even realize that there _had_ been a split until nearly a year after the event, and that was _after_ Patton pointed it out.”

He blinked at me. “You really are dense, aren’t you.”

Rubbing the back of my check sheepishly, I nodded. “Yes, I would agree to that. I can be rather oblivious at times. But please tell me, were you there? Did you witness what happened? I tried to ask Patton to describe it for me, but he would not go into much detail. I was wondering if you could fill in the details.”

Deceit’s face was bathed in shadows, the brim of his hat covering his eyes, and I could not see his expression, however, I could feel the atmosphere in the room become extremely tense and heavy in mere seconds. He raised his head and I could see his eyes glowing bright gold, his face an emotionless mask.

“Perhaps,” he began, his voice low and dangerous, “it would be better if we… started at the beginning.”

Then he snapped his fingers and the room went dark. I watched in amazement as two tiny glowing figures appeared, hovering in the air before my face. One of them was wearing dark blue and the other light green. They waved at me cheerfully before turning to each other, holding a silent conversation that I could not understand.

“There were once only two sides in the mind palace. Logic, and Ethics. These two sides got along well and worked together to help Thomas grow up to be the best person he could be. And soon, these two sides were joined by many other sides that made up Thomas’s personality,” Deceit described.

The two sides were joined by a multitude of others, figures wearing pink, purple, orange, black, white, and grey all appeared, waving at him and greeting each other cheerfully with their silent language. They all seemed to get along well and everything was running smoothly, which felt right. Even though this timeline spanned back so far that my memories were blurry, I was able to recall a time when there were many sides living together in peace.

“All was well, until something went terribly wrong,” Deceit’s voice grew a little sharp. “Ethics began to have an internal struggle as he tried to figure out what was right and what was wrong. Part of him believed that Thomas should take care of himself above all others, and the other part of him believed he should focus on others first and worry about himself second. He began to have fights inside his head with himself over what he considered right and what he considered wrong, and it appeared that he couldn’t seem to agree with himself. This resulted in the first ever split, not the split of the mind palace, but the split of a side into two separate sides. Ethics reformed into Morality, and Deceit. Although, you might have known Deceit by another name back then: Self-Preservation.”

The light green side suddenly burst apart into two sides, one wearing light blue and the other in yellow. My eyes widened as Deceit’s words finally settled in my head and I understood what he had meant. _Oh my God. That is where Ethics went. I completely forgot that he was split. That must have been why Patton was so surprised when I mentioned that we had not had a split before Creativity. I wonder why he did not remind me, though. Maybe he did not want me to remember Ethics’s split. But why? I do not understand, but I suppose it is something to try and figure out in the future._

“Deceit, when you split from Patton, was it like what happened between Roman and Remus? Are you… brothers?”

“No,” his voice was surprisingly sharp, and he seemed to realize this because he heaved a sigh and spoke in a slightly softer voice. “No, Morality and I were not like Roman and Remus. We were never brothers. When Creativity split, he split into two completely equal portions, two halves of creativity, one that was constructive, and the other destructive. But when Ethics split, things were not nearly so even. When I was formed as Self-Preservation, I controlled a great many things. I was Thomas’s ability to tell truths and lies in equal measure. I was his ability to distinguish right from wrong, as well as his selfishness. I was the voice in his ear telling him to take care of himself, to put himself first and not put himself in danger by doing things for others. Morality was Thomas’s moral compass, in a way. While I was his ability to tell right from wrong, Morality was the voice in Thomas’s ear telling him to do what was right, as well as the selflessness inside him that pushed him to help others, even if it was at his own expense.”

I blinked. “But, Morality also emcompasses Thomas’s emotions and his heart. Were those not also included when he formed?”

“Those traits came later after Humor and Passion disappeared,” Deceit replied, and my eyes widened. I could practically feel Deceit smile from across the room. “I told you, Logic, any side can fade, whether dark or light, but no lightside ever has. That does not mean that no sides ended up disappearing or transforming into something new. Humor and Passion were not strong enough to exist on their own, and they were not important enough to Thomas to remain as their own traits, so they both disappeared, Humor latching onto Morality, and Passion becoming both a part of Morality and Creativity when he formed.”

“So…” I took a moment to gather my thoughts, “This means that at one point in time, you were stronger than Patton. You were the bigger half of Ethics and you held more sway in the mind palace.”

“I suppose you could say that, although Morality was always favored by Thomas, who began to also associate the _ability_ to tell truths with him, even if that was my job. While I may have held more physical power than Morality, I did not necessarily hold more influence.”

“Interesting,” I mused, feeling myself space out as a million thoughts and theories swirled around in my head. I realized that Deceit was probably waiting for me to speak, and I quickly shoved the thoughts aside. “My apologies. Please, continue with the story.”

“The split obviously surprised and frightened many of the sides, as they had no idea what had happened to Ethics or why, but they openly accepted Morality and Self-Preservation into their lives and moved on. They were all so close and cared for each other so much. I suppose most people would have called the group a family, although that dynamic didn’t last long. Soon, Thomas began to go to school, and this created a whole new problem for him to face. Parents and teachers were always lecturing him on the difference between right and wrong, telling him that certain traits were dangerous and that he should avoid them. This began to influence Morality, and soon enough he began to have conflicts with certain traits, trying to tell them how to do their jobs and scolding them when they got Thomas in trouble. An invisible divide between traits was formed, with Morality, Logic, Passion, Humor, and several others on one side, and Self-Preservation, Hatred, Wrath, Jealousy, and a few other sides on the other. However, it was only when Self-Preservation and Morality got into a horrible argument that the mind palace was split into the Darkside and the Lightside,” Deceit explained, his voice incredibly even and calm.

I watched as the sides were divided into two separate groups, the darksides and the lightsides, and my chest ached. _God, I wish I could have done something. I wish I could have prevented this somehow. I wish the split never happened. Maybe then things would not be so messed up. Maybe then we would still have peace in the mind palace._

“Is… is that why things are so bad between you and Patton? The argument that caused the split?” I asked hesitantly.

Deceit laughed, but there was no humor or warmth in his voice as he replied, “No. After the fight, both sides made up and everything went back to normal, more or less. Both sides visited each other constantly, and while there was a divide between the lights and darks, we weren’t referred to as such yet. It was as if nothing happened. Our argument wasn’t personal enough to cause a rift between us. It was over ethics, not character. No, it wasn’t until years later that Morality and I had an argument big enough to tear apart not only us and our relationship, but the entirety of the lightsides and darksides.”

“What was your argument about that it caused the two sides to hate each other so vemently and avoid each other at all costs? And what exactly was your relationship with Patton to begin with?” I asked, my eyes large and breath abate. I could hardly believe that it had taken one argument to go from a close-knit family to bitter enemies, but then again, it had not taken much for me to turn against Patton completely myself, so I supposed it was not impossible.

For a moment, everything was quiet, and I wondered if I had crossed a barrier at some point. After all, those questions were rather personal, to say the least. _Shoot. Maybe I should have kept my mouth shut._ I could hear Deceit shift in his chair and heard a soft snap and suddenly the lights were back on. Wincing, I blinked rapidly to try and regain my sight, barely able to see the blurry form of Deceit walking past me to the door.

“That’s enough questions for today,” he said softly, his voice holding a slight edge, a warning to not push him any further, and I knew better than to disobey. “Now, I believe you came here to see Remus, correct? What do you say we find him and reunite the two of you _before_ midnight?”

My sight finally cleared up enough for me to see, and I glanced at the clock to find that it was already 11:53 at night. _Where did the time go? I did not think that we had been sitting and talking for that long, but apparently it has been nearly an hour. Who knew that Deceit would be such an intriguing character to talk to. Speaking of Deceit… where is he?_ Whirling around, I found that Deceit had already left the room and I quickly rushed after him before I was left alone in the confusing maze of the Darkside.

Once I had caught up with the snake-like side, I followed him down another set of twisted, strange, confusing corridors before we reached what appeared to be the darksides’ living room. It seemed to be vacant, and I glanced around curiously while Deceit stood near the couch, his arms crossed in front of him and a neutral expression on his face. _I thought he was supposed to be taking me to Remus, but I do not see him anywhere. Where could he possibly…?_

Suddenly, a small figure came barreling into the room from the other hallway, and I very quickly found myself pushed to the ground, the breath knocked out of me as a very excited Remus hugged me to death. As soon as I managed to regain my senses, I hugged Remus back just as eagerly, closing my eyes and breathed in the scent of ash and cinnamon and something else unidentifiable but completely familiar that was distinctly Remus.

“Logan, what are you doing here?” he cried, his eyes shining with pure joy. “I thought you were with the lightsides.”

“I was, Remus, but I decided to come for a visit, if that is acceptable,” I replied.

“Of course! I missed you, you nerdy bastard.”

I laughed. “I missed you too, Remus. I thought of you every day since you left. It… it was hard, not knowing if you were okay or not all this time. I am so glad to see you.”

His face fell. “I’m sorry, Lo. I shouldn’t have run off like that. I was just so hurt and angry, and I couldn’t think of anything else to do.”

“It is quite alright, Remus. I understand why you did what you did. I am deeply sorry as well. I was blind to your predicament and your pain, and my obliviousness is also to blame for your sudden departure. But I am glad that you left Remus. I am glad because it means that you are able to live here, with Deceit and the rest of your family. From what I have heard, things are much better here, and I am glad that you are able to have the sort of home and family you deserve,” I told him, resting a hand on his cheek and looking him in the eye.

He nodded. “It’s really great here, Lo. I have an older brother who’s always willing to play with me, and an uncle who taught me a bunch of new curse words, and Pops is amazing! He does the best voices while we’re reading!”

“Oh, does he now?” I glanced at Deceit, who looked away from us quickly, although I could see a slight dust of blush on his cheek. For some reason, the sight of Deceit looked embarrassed and flustered seemed adorable to me, although I could not explain why. “Even better than me? I thought you loved my voices.”

“I do, but Pops is better.”

I pressed a hand to my chest in mock pain. “Oh, the pain! The ultimate betrayal! I cannot believe it! I cannot believe you replaced me so easily! Oh, the horror! The indescribable agony!”

Remus simply shrugged. “I mean, you _do_ kinda sound like a robot when you read.”

“Take that back, you little gremlin!” I cried in anger, scooping Remus up in my arms and glaring at him even as I fought back a grin.

“Never!” he screamed.

“That is it!”

I deposited him on the couch and began tickling him to death, Remus squirming and fighting against me every step of the way. The room erupted in a chorus of giggles as he kicked and rolled around, tears streaming down his face. Deceit watched us with an amused look on his face, not moving even when Remus frantically called out for back up.

“Sorry, bud. You’re on your own with this one,” he replied with a slight smile.

“Traitor!” Remus managed to yell between giggles.

“Do you want me to stop?” I asked, a smug grin on my face as he continued to howl with laughter.

“Y-yes!”

“Then take it back! Tell me I have the best reading voice, and I will stop.”

“Never!”

“Then I will keep tickling you until you admit it,” I told him, wiggling my fingers at him threateningly.

“Okay, okay! You have the best reading voice!” Remus gasped, frantically squirming out of my grasp.

I laughed. “Good boy.”

“What’s with all the commotion?” a voice drawled from the hallway.

I whirled around to see a teenager in a black and purple hoodie step into the living room, dark circles rimming his bloodshot eyes. He had his hood up and from the timid way he was walking and the tightness in his jaw, he appeared to be in pain.

“Anxiety!” Deceit rushed towards him, reaching out to press his wrist to his forehead, as if to check for a fever.

“I’m fine, Dee,” the teen protested, freeing himself from the side’s grasp. “Just have a little headache, is all. Do we have any medicine?”

“Of course. I’ll get it for you. Wait here,” Deceit replied, hurrying off to another room, the kitchen I presumed.

Anxiety turned towards me, his eyes going from me to Remus, who was sprawled out of the couch and was still trying to catch his breath. His lips quirked up in a slight smile as the boy leapt up from where he was laying and embraced the older side. Anxiety returned Remus’s embrace, his bangs falling in his eyes as he bent down slightly to reach the younger side.

“Anx! I’m so glad to see you! Can we play together? It’s been _forever_ since we’ve gotten to do anything fun,” Remus begged, bouncing up and down on the balls of his feet.

“Not tonight, squirt. It’s getting kinda late, and I’m not feeling too good,” Anxiety replied.

“Awwwwww!” Remus pouted, looking very disappointed.

“C’mon bud, don’t give me that look,” he ruffled his brother’s hair playfully, inciting whining and complaining from Remus as he tried to fix his hair. “Hey, what do you say that first thing tomorrow morning, you and I go exploring in the Imagination, get into some trouble? Does that sound like fun?”

His face lit up. “Yes! Thank you, thank you, thank you!” Remus cried, throwing his arms around Anxiety once again.

Anxiety laughed. “No need to thank me, squirt. I enjoy hanging out with you, even if you’re an annoying little piece of shit.”

“Asshole,” Remus returned.

They glared at each other for a minute, and I thought that I might have to intervene before they beat each other up, but as suddenly as they began fighting, they stopped, instead burst into laughter. I watched as Remus leaned into Anxiety and the older side wrapped his arm around the boy’s shoulder, shaking my head at their strange relationship. It was then that Anxiety seemed to remember I existed, as he quickly glanced up at me and his grip around his brother became tighter, more protective.

“You must be Logic,” he said coolly, casually stepping between me and Remus.

“That I am, although you can call me Logan, if you prefer,” I replied, meeting his gaze evenly. “What might I call you?”

“Anxiety.”

“Well, Anxiety, it is a pleasure to meet you.”

He blinked, seemingly surprised by this response. “I… thank you. The pleasure is all mine.”

“I know that you must have some preconceived notion of what lightsides are like, and I would not blame you if that image is a rather unpleasant one, but I was hoping that perhaps you would be willing to make an exception,” I began, “I would like to visit again in the future get to know you and the other darksides, possibly even form a friendship if you were open to it. It is completely your call, and if you are uncomfortable with the idea of me being around, I will most certainly refrain from visiting, but I would like to put aside any prejudices we have against each other and become friends, or acquaintances in the very least. I would like to put these false images aside and truly get to know each other as people instead of remaining enemies, if you are willing to do the same.”

Anxiety tapped his foot, thinking for a moment. “You know, Logan, I like you. You’re not like the other lightsides. You actually care for others, no matter who they are, so I’m willing to give you a chance. However,” his voice grew icy cold, deep and hollow like the inside of a tomb, “if you _ever_ hurt Deceit or the rest of my family, I will fucking _bury_ you, understood?”

I blinked. “I believe I get the picture.”

“Good,” he replied, his voice returning to normal.

“I’m back!” Deceit called, rushing into the room with two pills and a glass of water in the palm of his hand. “Sorry I took so long. I had trouble locating the tylenol.”

He handed the pills and water to Anxiety, who took them quickly. As the teenager did so, I noticed how Deceit watched him, concern and love shining in his eyes so bright that I thought I might go blind. _He really cares for these kids. They really are like sons to him. I do not know why I ever doubted it to begin with, but I was a fool to even think twice._

“Are you sure you’re going to be alright?” Deceit asked worriedly.

“I’ll be fine, Dee. I just need to get some rest and I’ll be fine.”

“If you say so,” Deceit sighed. He reached over and brushed Anxiety’s bangs away from his forehead, pressing a kiss to his temple. “I love you, Anxiety.”

He smiled. “I love you too, Pops.”

Remus rushed forward and hugged Anxiety again, and the teen knelt down to return the hug. “Good night, Anx.”

Anxiety ruffled Remus’s hair once more. “Good night, squirt.”

At that, Anxiety turned and walked down one of the numerous hallways connecting to the living room, his silhouette disappearing behind the wall of fog that hung in the air, whisps escaping into the much warmer living room, where they dissipated entirely. Deceit watched him go, exhaustion and concern warring with themselves on his face. He turned back towards us, schooling his features into that of someone who was far more energetic and happy than he was as Remus held up _The Chronicles of Narnia._

“Pops, will you read to me?” he begged.

“Of course, Remus.”

“Yes! Oh, Logan, will you read with us too?”

I smiled. “It would be my pleasure.”

Deceit and I sat on the couch with Remus in between us. We were all cuddled close together, a blanket draped over us as I held one side of the book and Deceit held the other. We read through a few chapters with me reading the narration, Deceit playing the adult characters, and Remus doing the voices of the children. As we read, I had to admit that Remus was right about his father. Deceit truly did do the best voices. I had to fight to keep myself from laughing every time Remus read the children’s dialogue, however, as his enthusiasm and passion was far above the level necessary for the scenes we were reading.

As we read our way through the chapters, I could not help but think that this was where I was meant to be. Everything felt so right, curled up on the couch with Remus and Deceit, reading a story together and laughing. It felt like home, much more than the Lightside ever had. But I forced myself to shove those thoughts aside. As much as I might like to think that I could just stay here forever, I knew that I could not leave the Lightside, at least, not yet. There was still so much I needed to figure out before I could stay here. I could not leave without knowing the whole truth for myself.

Remus fell asleep mid chapter, resting his head against Deceit’s shoulder as he snored lightly. I watched as Deceit glanced down at him while he slipped a bookmark in between the pages, his expression softening, and I realized that this was probably the most vulnerable I had ever seen Deceit. He seemed so at ease and peaceful, a gentle, happy glow to his face that left a strange feeling in the pit of my stomach, or perhaps it was in my chest. It was a warm and soft and light feeling, something that I had not felt in a very long time, if ever, and I found that I enjoyed the feeling quite a bit, even if I could not quite understand it. Deceit caught me staring and his walls went up almost instantly as he looked away. I felt my face heat up slightly as I quickly stood and let Deceit get up. He picked Remus up, careful to keep from disturbing him, and turned to me.

“I’m going to put him to bed. I will return shortly, and lead you back to the Lightside,” he told me, his face carefully neutral.

I nodded and he left, leaving me to wander around the living room, examining the items with interest. The television cabinet appeared to have a rather strange collection of movies in it, a mix of horror movies and thrillers, Disney and Pixar movies, and documentaries. They appeared to be mostly about law and psychology, which I found rather intriguing. _It appears Deceit has an interest in studying the human mind and the justice system. That makes sense, I suppose, with him once being Ethics before the split. Still, it is rather strange to think about._

The bookshelves lining one of the walls were also a curious mix of very different novels. There were many books that were clearly meant for Remus, as they were at a lower reading level, and they appeared to be mostly made up of the fantasy and horror genres, which made sense. There were also a large collection of poetry books, mostly Sylvia Plath and other darker, more twisted poets, which I assumed was Anxiety’s choice of reading material, although I could not say for certain. And again, there was a vast collection of books on law, psychology, and philosophy filling the bookshelf.

On one of the shelves sat a photograph, and I picked it up out of curiosity. The photograph was old. I realized that almost instantly when I found Deceit’s face, only to find that he was a good five to ten years younger and seemed to be much happier than he was now. He had his arms wrapped around the shoulders of several sides, all of them completely alien to me. I knew that most of them must have been around before the split, but my memory failed to reach back to all those years, and I found that I could not even connect colors to names. However, I could tell that they were all very close from how they stood, all bunched together and smiling so brightly I was surprised I was not blinded.

“You shouldn’t touch things that don’t belong to you,” a voice said over my shoulder, and in my surprise and fear, I dropped the picture frame.

Deceit caught it easily and set it back on the shelf, never once meeting my eye, but I could see by the set of his jaw and the way his hands were clenched into fists at his side that he was not pleased with me in the least.

“My apologies. I did not think.”

“Clearly,” he muttered before straightening and gesturing for me to follow. “Come.”

I walked after him silently as he led us back through the halls of the Darkside, knowing that he was not in the mood for friendly conversation and not wanting to push my luck. Shivering slightly at the cold of the Darkside, I bit the inside of my cheek and tried to figure out whether I should ask him if I could return, or if I should just show up one day and hope that he let me in. I knew that it might be a little risky to try and talk to him again, but I hated the idea of just barging in without being invited. Before I knew it, we had arrived at the grey corridor, and Deceit was standing there, watching me with glowing gold eyes. _Perhaps… perhaps it is better to simply show up one day and hope for the best. After all, it is easier to ask for forgiveness than permission._ Straightening my shoulders, I began to walk to the corridor entrance when I heard Deceit call after me.

“Wait!”

I froze in place, turning back to face Deceit. “...yes?”

“Did…” he paused, swallowing hard. “Did you know that Remus used to cut himself?”

“W-what?” It felt like I had just been punched in the gut.

“He… he told me about his past rather recently. He described a great many things, including verbal abuse and neglect from Patton, and how he used to cut himself as punishment for making mistakes. Remus… he used to assign a certain amount of cuts to each mistake he made and add them all together each day, and then at the end of the day, he would cut himself that number of times. Every. Single. Day.” Deceit began to pace around the hall, his breath coming out in short gasps as he spoke. “He would go that to himself because he thought that if he could only act more like Roman, be more like Roman, he might finally be loved and accepted by you all. He thought that changing himself was the answer, but it didn’t work. Patton still refused to treat him like the rest of you, and he felt so alone and isolated. So he tried to talk to Patton, and you and Roman got involved, and he thought that you had all turned against him, so he ran.” His hands began to shake as he ran his fingers through his hair, knocking his hat from his head. He did not stop to pick it up. I was not sure if he even noticed. “Do you know how I found him? When I came across him in the Darkside that fateful day, do you know what he was doing? He was cutting himself.” I could see the tears gathering in his eyes as he spoke, gathering but refusing to fall. “He was cutting himself because he wanted to die. He wanted to disappear off the face of the earth and never return. The cuts were so deep that I was afraid he wouldn’t make it through the night. I was so scared that this boy, this young, beautiful, broken boy, would die right before my eyes, and I wouldn’t be able to save him.” Tears began streaming down Deceit’s face, collecting on his chin and dripping down to the cold, cobblestone floor below. “And when I found out who had caused it, who had been the catalyst behind all the pain and sorrow and isolation that this boy had been through, do you know what I did? I broke down. I broke down and I cried because I knew. I knew this boy’s pain as well as I knew my own, because our pain was the same. I cried because I knew the cycle had repeated itself all over again, and I had promised myself that I would never let it happen again, no matter what. And I had failed. I had failed that poor, innocent, precious boy, and because I had failed, he would have to suffer through the agony and traumas that I had sworn would end with me. All because I had let the cycle repeat. All because I had failed to protect him.”

Deceit had a wild look in his eyes, like he might do something he would regret later. He looked like he was seconds away from hurting himself. Acting on instinct, I rushed forward and hugged Deceit to my chest, feeling him stiffen against me before something inside him broke and he melted into my embrace, sobbing desperately into my shirt as he trembled and mumbled things under his breath that I could not hear. Even though I felt slightly awkward standing there, holding the darkside in my arms while he cried, I could not help but feel awful for him. I had wondered why Anxiety had been so protective of Deceit specifically while threatening me, but now I had an idea of why. Deceit was fragile, far more fragile than he looked. He had been through something incredibly traumatic, and although I had no idea what that something was, I had a feeling that something was connected directly to Patton, and the very thought of it made my stomach churn. After a few moments, Deceit pulled away from me roughly, not even bothering to dry his tears as he gazed at me, his face completely blank of emotions.

“Deceit, what did you mean by the cycle repeating itself all over again? What cycle?” I asked gently, trying not to push him, but also needing to find answers to my questions.

His eyes narrowed slightly. “I don’t trust you.”

“I know, but you know I am not trying to hurt you, right? You know I am trying to help you. I would never intentionally hurt you or anyone else,” I reminded him before trying again. “Could you tell me what you meant by the cycle? What cycle has repeated itself?”

He shook his head. “I don’t trust you, but I know Remus does.”

I stopped, confused. “What does this have to do with Remus? Does the cycle have something to do with him?”

Deceit ignored me. “I don’t trust you. I don’t like you. But Remus trusts you. Remus needs you.” In his hands, a black snake with a yellow stomach and glowing golden eyes appeared, looking between me and its master with an intelligent gaze.

“He needs you,” Deceit repeated, “But you can’t just come over without letting me know. Remus has good days and bad days. It’s mostly been good days thus far, but trauma is unpredictable. It can act up whenever you least expect it, and he wouldn’t want you to see him on a bad day. I don’t think it would be wise for you to be there, either. You might make his attacks worse if you’re there because you might remind him of Morality. So, whenever you wish to visit the Darkside, send me a message asking if it’s okay to visit or not. You can use Veritas as a messenger,” he said, motioning to the snake resting on his palm. “All you need to do is tell her your message and she will come find me. I will then send her back with a message of my own, letting you know whether it’s okay to visit or not. And if I need to send you a message for one reason or another, I will send my other snake, Mendacium, to you with the message.”

I still had questions about what Deceit meant about ‘the cycle’ but I knew he would not be willing to answer them right now, so I filed them away for another day. Deceit held out the snake and I cautiously took her from him, watching as she slithered up my arm and curled herself around my neck like a scarf. When she did not try to strangle me or pierce my neck with her teeth, I figured it was a safe assumption that she was not going to hurt me and was, in fact, a messenger that I could use to communicate with the darksides.

“So, I simply have to tell her my message and she will get it to you and vice versa?” I asked, seeking confirmation.

“Yes. Veritas will deliver any message that needs to be sent. The others will not be able to see her. She is invisible to all except those who I allow to see her. There is no need to worry about her existence interfering with yours in any way.”

“Do… do I need to feed her?”

“No. She is perfectly capable of feeding herself.”

I decided against asking what he meant by that, instead nodding. “Alright. Farewell, Deceit. I will see you again in the near future, I am certain.”

Turning, I began to walk down the grey corridor, feeling the air around me grow warmer the further I traveled from the Darkside, although even the warmth itself was not enough to drive away the disappointment and slight sadness I felt upon leaving. Even though the Darkside was not necessarily a home to me yet, it still felt far more welcoming than the Lightside ever had, and I found that with every step, I was already missing some of the little details that I was leaving behind, such as the way Remus’s giggles seemed to be twice as loud there as it was in the Lightside, or how Anxiety ruffled his younger brother’s hair when he called him ‘squirt’, or how Deceit’s eyes seemed to glow with warmth and love every time he looked at his sons, or how Deceit’s fang-toothed smile was the whitest, brightest thing I had ever seen, or how soft and curly Deceit’s hair had felt when it had brushed against my jaw as I had hugged him, or… _God, I have a problem. I need to stop thinking about Deceit before I lose my mind. What the heck is wrong with me anyway? I literally just met the guy! I should not be this attached already._

“Logan!” Deceit called, and I whirled around, meeting his eye from the other side of the grey corridor as he managed a small, teary-eyed but genuine, smile. “Thanks.”

I smiled back, trying to put all the words I could not say into the single motion. “Anytime.”

With that, I stepped foot in the Lightside once more.

Sneaking up to my room, careful not to wake anyone, I threw on my pajamas and curled up in bed, gazing up at the ceiling with heavy eyes as my mind raced with one thought after another. _I found out a lot from that visit, but I still have so many questions. What happened to the rest of the darksides? Have they all faded, or are they somewhere else in the Darkside and I just have not seen them yet? What did Deceit mean when he said Remus had attacks? Panic attacks? And why is he so afraid of me witnessing one? Does he truly think that I might hurt Remus more if I am around, or is there something more to it? Why was Anxiety feeling so poorly when I arrived, and why was Deceit so worried about him? Did something happen that I was not able to witness?_

_And what happened to Deceit to cause him to be so… broken? I have never seen someone break down so fast, and it is clear that he is still struggling with an event in his past that left a great impact on him. I wish I knew what happened so that I could help him. Perhaps Remus or Anxiety knows something about it that could help me decipher this mystery. Either way, I need to figure out what happened and help Deceit before things get any worse. I feel as if a great storm is brewing between him and Patton, and if I am not able to resolve this conflict quickly and effectively, I am afraid that something terrible might happen to someone I love._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! Sorry this chapter took a little bit to finish. It turned out so much longer than I thought it would! I swear, this may be the longest chapter I have ever written for this story. I know that many of you were asking me if Logan was going to play a bigger role in this story, and this is effectively my "Hell yeah he is!" so I hope you enjoyed it! Thank you so much for reading, as I appreciate the support so much, and I'll see you all in the next chapter! Coming soon...ish!
> 
> ~Your Fellow Fander


	13. Deceit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Father son bonding that I could get behind. And angst. But what else is new? Have fun everyone!

Strolling through the garden with Remus by my side, I took a deep breath, taking in the scent of roses, freshly cut grass, and something sickeningly sweet, coppery even. It was blood, I was certain, although whose blood was up for debate, and it didn’t really matter either way. That was just the way the Imagination was, or at least, Remus’s half. I found that in spite of how strong the scent of blood was, however, the smell of the roses was far stronger, permeating the air and forcing its way down my nostrils until I was certain that I would be smelling fresh roses for the rest of my life, unable to forget the intoxicating sweetness no matter how hard I tried. 

The path we followed as we roamed was well kept, no weeds or rocks in sight, and the huge rose hedges were trimmed neatly into large blocks, the bramble-covered walls easily towering over both of us and blocking out the harsh sunlight. It was all surprisingly neat and tidy, not at all how I would have imagined them when my son had described them earlier, and I was once again reminded of all I still had yet to know about the mysterious boy. It seemed that he existed for the express purpose of taking all my preconceptions of him and turning them on their heads, and while some might have considered it irritating or exasperating, I found it quite fascinating. Remus was a mystery that I was only just beginning to unravel, but every time I learned more I found myself loving the boy a bit more. He was a treasure trove of untold secrets that I was eager to explore, but I was content to go at whatever pace he set. After all, as long as all went well, we had a lifetime to get to know each other. There was no rush for me or for him. 

Speaking of the boy, Remus was skipping along the path ahead of me, moving at a slightly faster pace than I and chattering excitedly about this and that. I wasn’t really paying attention, although I knew I probably should. It would probably help me learn more about him if I could focus on whatever idle chatter he was engaged in, but with the heady scent of flowers filling my mind and all these curious new wonders surrounding me, it was an impossible task. This was not my first visit to the Imagination, but every time I entered the mysterious realm, I always managed to find something new that blew my mind and made me question reality, and it was all made by the small, hyperactive boy before me. It never ceased to amaze me.

I found myself completely distracted by my surroundings, stopping in my tracks to reach for one of the vibrant red blossoms and breathe in its delightfully sweet scent, my fingers outstretched to brush one of the silky-soft petals and my pupils dilated as the smell penetrated my mind.

“Ow!” I yelped, completely broken from my trance, yanking my hand back to examine the thorn piercing my palm.

“You okay, Pops?” Remus asked, pausing and looking back at me.

“I’m quite alright, Remus. Just pricked myself on some thorns, is all.”

“Here, let me take a look.”

“It’s nothing, really,” I assured him. “It’s already stopped bleeding, see?” I gestured to the small trickle of blood that had trailed down my arm, which had indeed ceased to flow.

“It never hurts to be too careful, especially in my domain,” Remus replied thoughtfully, walking over and taking my hand in his.

He was quick to pull the thorn from the flesh of my palm, causing me to wince in pain, and checked it over for a few moments before he seemed satisfied, nodding his head that it would be fine. Snapping his fingers, a towel and a bandaid appeared in his hands and he quickly wiped off my hand and slapped the bandaid over the scratch. “There, good as new,” he grinned.

“Thank you, Remus.”

“Anytime, Pops.”

With that, we continued to walk the lengths of the garden hand in hand. Remus hummed softly to himself, glancing here and there absently as he strolled. I was sure he had traversed this garden countless times already by how at ease he was and how confidently he chose the paths, taking a turn here, walking straight for a couple minutes, rounding a bend, all with the same comfort that I had while traveling in the Darkside corridors. As we walked, I couldn’t help but glance at my son out of the corner of my eye every now and then, a small smile teasing at the corners of my lips. Remus seemed to notice my gaze because he raised an eyebrow, a slight laugh in his voice.

“What? What are you staring at?” he asked.

“What, am I not allowed to look at my son?”

“Nope. It’s forbidden.”

I pressed a hand to my chest, wincing in pain. “Oh, the horror! How can I go on, never being able to gaze at my beautiful boy again? I don’t think my poor heart can take it!”

“Shut up,” Remus nudged me with his shoulder, unable to hide the grin on his face.

I smirked. “Make me.”

Remus’s grin grew wider, more menacing. “Is that a challenge?”

“Perhaps. Why, afraid you’ll lose?”

“Oh, you best watch yourself old man. You’re in my world now. Wouldn’t want you to get hurt.”

“You’ll have to catch me first.”

And before Remus could reply, I darted down another path and began sprinting away, unable to keep the laughter in my throat from bubbling over as I ran, ignoring his surprised cry as he watched me disappear around a bend and vanish completely from sight.

“Oh, it’s on now!” I heard Remus crow, feverish delight oozing from every syllable, and I felt myself fill with the same childish delight and anticipation that came with this new game.

As I raced through the garden, weaving between paths as I tried to throw Remus off my trail, I felt my heart pounding in my chest with adrenaline, felt my breath come out in short gasps and sweat gather at my temple. We had only just begun and this was already the most fun I had in what felt like forever. _I miss days like these, back when there were no duties or responsibilities, just good old fashioned fun. Playing hide and seek or tag with the others, watching cartoons and building unrecognizable objects with Legos. It’s nice to just take a break and pretend I’m a kid again, even if it’s just for a moment._

Skidding to a halt behind a tree, I paused to catch my breath, trying to listen out for Remus in case he was approaching. I didn’t hear anything, so after a moment, I continued on, this time at a much slower pace. I had already put enough distance between the boy and I, now I just needed to keep it that way. Treading quietly, I tried to keep an ear out in case he happened to walk nearby while trying to avoid being distracted by my surroundings, but it was nearly impossible.

The Imagination, if it had to be described with only one word, was breathtaking. From the sky, which was painted with different hues of red and orange and purple, to the rich green grass that cushioned my feet, and even to the very air itself, which seemed to buzz with this strange energy that filled my lungs and coated my insides until it felt like I could run for hours without getting tired. Everything about it was simply astounding, and the fact that Remus had made every single thing by hand was even more so. I made a mental note to ask him about the process of creating things when we had finished this little hunt as my fingers brushed against the bark of a large tree in the center of a clearing, the trunk twisted and warped and the leaves violet in hue and shaped like teardrops, little black flowers decorating the branches in clusters. _It truly is remarkable, how with every passing day, my sons manage to amaze me even more,_ I mused, unable to hide the proud smile stretching across my lips. _I don’t tell them enough how much they mean to me and how incredible they truly are. I should be sure to remind them of that more often._

As I traveled down another long, narrow, twisted path, I heard a footstep from the other side of the rosebush and froze, scarcely daring to breathe. The very air seemed to become colder, my breath clouding up in front of my face as I crouched low and did my best to remain as unnoticeable as possible. The footsteps were followed by something heavy dragging behind them, digging into the dirt path and no doubt leaving scars on the soil. _Oh God. What_ is _that?_

“Oh Dee,” a singsong voice called. “Come out, come out wherever you are.”

I felt chills crawl down my spine involuntarily at the tone of Remus’s voice.

“I’ll find you one way or another. You can’t hide from me forever, and when you slip up, I’ll be there to get you,” he warned, giggling slightly. “You better watch out.”

Then, like they had never been there in the first place, the footsteps and dragging noise faded away and Remus’s voice disappeared, a comfortable, relaxed silence once again falling over the garden as the temperature raised back up to normal and peace returned to the realm, if just for a moment.

Letting out the breath I didn’t realize I was holding, I felt a shaky laugh rise up inside me but I quickly shoved it down. _I can’t give myself away. He could still be nearby, waiting, watching, listening. I have to be careful._ Moving quickly and quietly, I traveled as far away from the voice as I could, pausing every few feet to listen and see if I could hear him again. Everything was strangely silent, though, and I was beginning to get chills again from how deafening the silence could really be. _God, I hate how easily Remus can scare people. It’s like he just flips a switch and suddenly he’s a completely different person. I suppose it makes sense. Thomas always had a thing for the theatrics, and being that Remus is Thomas’s Imagination, it’s only fair that he would also enjoy such things. Still, he’s a little too good at terrifying people for my taste._

Continuing to creep along the garden paths, I began to wonder how large this garden was in the first place. I hadn’t seen a single exit since we had entered the garden, and we had been out here for a pretty decent amount of time, although I wasn’t sure exactly how long. Glancing at my watch, I found that it was already late afternoon, which was surprising. _Have we really been out here for a few hours? It doesn’t feel like it’s been_ that long. _God, I’m so confused. Time seems to work weird here. I don’t know if everything’s really as it seems or not._

Suddenly, a flock of bird-like creatures flew above the garden, causing the hedges to shake and me to duck my head in fear, holding back a cry of alarm. Glancing up, I watched as they flew away, a group of black silhouettes against the blood-red sky. Even though my heart was still pounding from the scare, I couldn’t help but admire once more how pretty Remus’s realm could really be. It was easy to look at the creatures and say that his creations were vile, disgusting, or repulsive, and sell him short because of it, but Remus really put a lot of time and thought into each and every one of his creations. Even the most hideous of beasts were well designed and had a distinct purpose, even if it wasn’t clear to everyone else at first. _It really is remarkable._

I felt something hit me from behind, knocking me off my feet, and suddenly I was on the ground, a frightening amount of weight pressing down on my back, grinding me into the dirt. The air was knocked from my lungs and for a second all I saw were dark spots filling my vision. I sucked in a breath, doing my best to avoid inhaling dirt or any other foreign material as I blinked quickly to clear my sight and tried to ignore the loud ringing in my ears that came with the blow. Once I had gotten in enough air to speak, I turned my head to the side and attempted to catch a glimpse of whatever was pinning me down, but I couldn’t see anything from this angle.

“Okay, Remus. You got me,” I told him hoarsely, “Get off now.”

The weight didn’t move, and Remus didn’t respond. I felt a prick of fear, but just as quickly shoved it aside. _Good God, relax Dee. It’s just Remus._

“I mean it, Remus. Get off of me. The game’s over. You won, just like you said you would. Now get off,” my voice was sharp with fear as I began to wonder why he wouldn’t listen to me. _God, did I make a mistake by teasing him? Did I push too far, or do something wrong? I thought this was just a game. Why won’t he…?_

A low growl echoed in the throat of my captive and I felt claws dig into my back, sending flashes of pain and panic off in my brain at the same time. I went still as I realized all at once that the one who had knocked me down was not Remus, and I was in big trouble. _Shit._

Before I even had time to get my thoughts together enough for a prayer, I heard a voice snap me out of my panicked stupor.

“Abaddon, heel. _Now._ ”

I coughed weakly as the immense weight was suddenly gone from my back and I could roll over onto my side, gasping for air as I waited for the world to stop spinning. I felt a pair of hands helping me to my feet and catching me when I stumbled, and once I could see straight, I found Remus hovering over me worriedly. Blinking in surprise, I turned to see that the creature that had been crushing me must have been the wolf-dog hybrid that was sitting patiently on the path, watching both of us with its razor sharp teeth, glowing red eyes, and needle-like claws. Feeling slightly faint, I quickly sat down on the path and put my head in my hands, taking a few deep breaths to try and calm my racing heart. Remus sat next to me, a hand on my shoulder as he watched me anxiously.

“I am so sorry, Pops. If I had known that Abaddon was loose, I never would have brought you into the garden. I thought he was locked up. Are you okay? Can I do anything to help?”

I waved it off. “I’m fine, Remus, just a little out of breath is all. No harm done.”

“Are you sure? He didn’t hurt you at all, did he?”

“No. He dug his claws into my back, but it just stings a little. I promise, I’m quite alright. However, I feel you have a great deal of explaining to do,” the amusement clear in my voice.

“I suppose I do, don’t I.” Remus rubbed the back of his neck sheepishly. “Well, as I said before, this is Abaddon. He’s a wolf-dog hybrid with an extra helping of hell-beast thrown in. He… well, he’s my first creation. It was my first time in the Imagination and Roman was trying to show me how to create things, and in the spur of the moment, I made him. He was just a puppy back then, and he was a bit cuter and tamer looking than he is now, but that was a while ago.”

“Fascinating. Say, do your creations always age and grow like Abaddon did?”

“No. It takes a lot of effort to make a creation so realistic that they age as you do. It takes a lot of energy as well. I actually passed out when I made him. Roman was so worried about me that he had nearly gotten Logan to come into the Imagination with him to check on me, but I was fine by the next day. No, most of my creations don’t age. It's… kinda hard to explain how it works. I guess it’s sort of like taking a picture. They remain stuck in the moment in which the picture was taken, or in this case, the moment they were created, down the exact day, and are never able to move forwards from that day. Sure, they’re able to experience new things, make new memories, meet new people, but they remain whatever age I originally made them as. If I put a lot of time and effort into them, they might even have memories of their nonexistent past, unique backstories and such, but my realm is large and I only have so much time and energy. If they wish for me to make them older or younger, make a new creation for them, or have any other requests, they simply come to my castle during the visiting hours and plead their case, but otherwise I mostly leave them to their own devices. They’re self-sufficient and overall they seem perfectly content with their lives as they are. And there’s nothing I would change about any of them unless they wished me to,” Remus explained.

“That’s incredible, Remus. I’ve always wondered about your creations and how they work. I’m curious, how do you create them? Is it like when you summoned the towel and bandaid from earlier, or is it more complex than that?”

He held out a hand and helped me up, my hands still shaking slightly but otherwise unaffected, and we began to once again stroll along the garden paths, Abaddon following close behind, a silent protector guarding over his master. 

“It depends on what it is, really. The larger and more complex the object, the more time, effort, and energy I have to exert to make it. For small household objects like bandaids or clothes, I just need to picture it in my head and snap my fingers and it appears, almost no energy used. For larger objects, such as my castle, it took weeks of carefully planning out every last detail, and I had to go room by room, creating everything from scratch. All in all, it took me several months before I had finished everything, including the furniture. For living creatures, though, it is incredibly complex. I have to create every organ and direct every vein, mapping out their internal systems and making sure everything connects correctly and functions before I can even begin to think about what the actual creature will look like.”

My eyes widened in surprise. “That must be an incredibly fragile process. How do you manage to do it without making a mistake?”

He shrugged. “It takes years of practice. You mess up the first dozen or so times and lie awake at night, haunted by the image of your failures, and by the time you finally get it right, you’ve worked so hard and tried for so long that you’ve already memorized every step. After a few months of doing it, it’s like clockwork, going step by step so easily it’s as if you could do it in your sleep. In fact, it’s highly likely I have. I tend to sleep-create when I have very vivid dreams. Sometimes I’ll wake up and won’t even be able to recognize my own bedroom because it’s covered floor to ceiling in kudzu or it has a swarm of butterflies coating everything. But that’s besides the point. Even animals and creatures with different internal organ systems are easy once you get down the basics.”

“You must have extensive knowledge on the inner mechanisms of the human body, then.”

“Yes, as well as that of almost every other creature you could imagine, even ones I’ve made up. I once drew and labeled every bone, muscle, vein, and organ in the human body because I was bored. Took me hours to complete it, but it was worth it.”

“Incredible,” I breathed. “Remus, I know I tell you this a lot, but you really are amazing. You’re a gift, a treasure beyond anything I could have ever imagined, and I’m really grateful to have you here. The lights were fools to push you away. If only they knew what you could do.”

“I don’t care if they know what I can do or not. All that matters is that you know,” Remus smiled. “Your opinion is the only one that matters to me.”

“Not as much as your own opinion, I would hope,” I commented. “Surely you must know how remarkable you are.”

“Eh,” he shrugged. “I’ll… I’ll take your word for it, Pops.”

We walked along in easy silence for a moment before Remus spoke again.

“Pops, do you miss the other darksides? The ones that faded, I mean.”

“Of course I do, Remus. I miss them every day.”

“Did all of the other darksides fade? Is it really just you, me, Anxiety, and Jealousy left?”

I hesitated. “No… there are other darksides around. They just… they don’t necessarily want to be a part of our family.”

“Why not?” Remus asked, confused.

I bit my lip, not sure how to explain it. “Well, some of the darksides aren’t very nice people, Remus, and some of them… blame me for what happened to the others. The ones who… faded.”

“That’s not right! It’s not your fault!”

“My fault or not, they just don’t see it that way, Remus. They see darksides fading all around them, and they see me, and as I’m the eldest one here, I have to take responsibility, whether or not it’s right.”

“Will I ever meet the other darksides?”

“I… I don’t know, Remus. I don’t know if you really _want_ to meet them. Some of them are alright, but others… I just don’t want you to get hurt. I won’t forbid you from ever talking to another darkside, but please don’t go out of your way to try and meet one. They tend to keep to themselves and they aren’t easy to find. Some of them are also dangerous. Promise me that if you ever do come across another darkside, you be careful.”

“Of course! I’ll be careful, I promise.”

“Good.”

There was another pause as we came across a clearing, the field covered in heart-shaped flowers of all colors and varieties. While I knelt down and admired the colorful petals and delicate buds, breathing in the heavenly scent of old paper, fresh ink, and coffee, Remus watched me curiously, a strange look in his eye.

“What do you smell?” he asked.

“It reminds me of old books and coffee. How on earth did you get the flowers to smell like that, Remus?”

“The flowers are special. They’re supposed to smell like your true love, your soulmate,” he replied, a curious smile on his face. “Interesting.”

I frowned. “What?”

“Nothing.”

Getting to my feet, I followed Remus as we left the clearing and went down another path.

“Have you ever been in love?” he asked suddenly.

I felt a stab of pain in my chest and winced, ducking my head slightly. “Y-yes.”

“What was it like?”

“It was…” I took a deep breath, steadying myself. “It was the most amazing feeling in the world. It was like all the stars in the universe had aligned for just a moment and everything was as it was supposed to be. It felt like finding my other half, my missing piece. Some days I wasn’t sure where I ended and he began, we were so in sync. Some days it was pure torture, like we were both coming apart at the seams and we were one argument away from splitting up for good, but we always came back together in the end. It was worth all the pain, just to be by his side.”

A faint smile traced my lips and I could see Remus looking at me out of the corner of his eye, a slight grin of his face as well.

“What happened to him?”

My smile disappeared in an instant. “I lost him,” I said shortly.

Remus was wise enough to not push the subject any further, instead murmuring, “I’m sorry.”

My voice softened slightly. “It’s not your fault. Things happen sometimes, and there’s nothing you can do about it.”

“I know this isn’t the best time, but… have you ever considered… moving on?”

I sighed. “Somedays I think that I need to find someone new, someone who can be there and support me when I need him to be. But…” Another sigh. “I don’t think I _can._ It’s been so long, and I don’t think I can do it... allow myself to be vulnerable like that, I mean. It’s just… it’s not easy, and now really isn’t the time to be thinking about such fanciful things. Besides, it isn’t like there’s a lot of selection among the sides. Half of them feel like family, like brothers and sons, and the other half are our mortal enemies. It simply isn’t meant to be.”

I could tell Remus wanted to say something, but he kept his mouth shut, instead nodding quietly, a thoughtful expression on his face. We walked around for a bit longer before I glanced at my watch, realizing with a start that it was already 3:48 and I needed to get to work soon. Turning to Remus, I smiled apologetically.

“I hate to cut our hangout short, but I really need to get to work. Could you direct me back to your room? I doubt I could find my way out on my own.”

“Sure, Pops.” Remus began to lead the way to the castle, asking questions all the while. “What is your job, anyway? I’m kinda curious and you never said.”

“Oh, my job? Well, I suppose it’s quite simple, really. I influence Thomas’s thoughts indirectly via the Subconscious.”

His eyes widened. “What’s the Subconscious?”

“Oh, how to explain this,” I rubbed the back of my neck, trying to sort through my vocabulary for the easiest explanation. “The Subconscious… is a void. A massive, dark, empty space located in the geographic center of the darkside. Everything else revolves around it, as it plays an incredibly important role in Thomas’s mental functioning. In the Subconscious, there lies Thomas’s deepest, darkest desires, all his hopes and dreams, and it is my job to catalogue and keep these hopes and dreams until the opportune time to suggest them, where I send them to the mind palace control room, where the ideas are recorded by Logic, who then consults the other lightsides about the issue. If the desire is approved by Morality, it is then sent to Thomas and he can then act on it. If it is not approved, it will return to me, and I will save it in the Subconscious in case it can be used again at a different time.”

Remus looked increasingly confused and surprised. “So… you work with Logan and Patton?”

“I suppose I do, in a way, but it is quite the indirect tie between us. In reality, I’m working mostly with Logic, and Morality is simply a part of the next phase of the process.”

“Did you and Logan know each other before I came here, you know, from your jobs?”

“No,” I replied with a shrug. “He was a faceless name to me, and I’m sure I was the same to him. We weren’t business partners, more like cogs in a well-oiled machine, and we simply did the tasks required of us, no questions asked.”

“I see.”

“Remus, there is something very important that I must impress upon you,” I said, my voice as serious as the grave.

He quickly met my eye, listening to me very carefully.

“The Subconscious is completely off-limits for you and Anxiety. It is incredibly dangerous and deadly and I don’t want you going near it,” my voice was unyielding. “I know how you like to challenge authority and do exactly what you’re told not to do, but this one time, I really need you to heed my warning. The Subconscious is deadly to everyone except me. Sides have died in there because they didn’t listen, and I don’t want you to share their fate. You stay as far away from the Subconscious as possible and don’t ever try to interrupt me while I’m working, got it?”

“Yes, sir,” Remus agreed quietly. “But what if I accidentally go into the Subconscious by mistake while exploring the Darkside?”

“The entrance to the Subconscious is extremely recognizable, considering there is a warning sign telling all sides to stay out and that it’s dangerous, but just in case you decide to ignore the sign, the entrance to the Subconscious is a pair of giant metal doors that reach from the floor to the ceiling and have a vacuum seal. If you see those doors you turn right around and head back, understand?”

“Yes, Pops. I understand.”

I stared him in the eye for a second longer, analyzing his face for any signs of disobedience, but he seemed completely genuine. Breathing a sigh of relief, I said, “Good.”

Soon we were at the doors in Remus’s room leading back into the Darkside, and I quickly said goodbye to Remus before heading back to my room. Walking inside, I dug through my closet before putting on a heavy caplet, my hat, winter gloves, and wrapping a scarf around my neck. Putting on ear muffs over my hat, I pulled on my heavier boots that had fur on the outside and then glanced in the mirror. Double checking to make sure I had everything I needed, I left the room and began to travel to the center of the Darkside, the tapping of my boots against the cobblestone floor especially loud in the silence. 

The fog grew thicker and thicker as I approached the very heart of our half of the mind palace, making it nearly impossible to see. However, the fog seemed to stop suddenly a few feet from a set of large metal doors, floor to ceiling and gunmetal grey, almost as if there was an invisible wall keeping the fog from getting too close to the entrance. In fact, I could see where the fog pressed against the invisible line, only to meet resistance and get pushed back on itself, unable to roll into the small square outside the Subconscious. I glanced at the sign hanging on one of the doors, the message reading ‘Danger, Entering the Subconscious may lead to Disorientation, Loss of Memory, Confusion, Hypnosis, Freezing, Corruption, and eventually Death. DO NOT ENTER’ . The sight of the sign made a grim smile stretch across my face as I reached for the handle of the door and pulled it open, immediately engulfed in the frigid, sub-zero temperatures of the Subconscious. Stepping inside, I closed the doors behind me with a resounding thud, my eyes glowing bright gold in the pitch black void around me. _Time to get to work._

A single golden tear trailed down my cheek from my snake-like eye, dripping off my chin and landing safely in the palm of my hands. Slowly the tear began to grow, forming into a golden orb about twice the size of my fists, an image appearing on the slightly foggy surface. Pressing my fingers against the warm, pulsing orb, its glow bright against the stark darkness of the Subconscious, I watched as Thomas sang and performed on stage in front of people all around the world, the star of the show for all to see. A slight smile tugged at my lips as I caressed the orb, feeling the heat of the dream soak into my skin through my gloves, chasing away the frigid iciness that surrounded me. 

With a pang in my chest, I held the dream close for just a moment longer before releasing it from my protective grip. I watched as the glowing gold orb floated from my hands to the brightly lit ceiling, staring as another long lost dream collected with the rest, its glow pulsing softly in the dark. I sighed softly, a feeling deep in my bones that try as I might, Thomas’s desire of traveling the world and acting for a living would never come to fruition. There were too many forces pushing against me, too many factors to consider, and I knew this dream would never make it past Logic, much less Morality. _Selfish, emotional, clingy bastard._

Humming under my breath, my eyes flickered here and there before they settled on one of the glowing orbs that littered the ceiling like stars. Reaching out, I watched with a slight grin as the dream dislodged itself from its perch and floated gently down, landing in the palms of my hands without a sound. The dream was an older one, its golden glow slightly faded from how long it had been waiting in the subconscious, collecting dust. Still, the pulse of the dream was as strong as ever and the image was just as clear as the day the dream had been sent here. I watched, unable to hide the fond smile from my face, as I watched Thomas spend the day at home, phone turned off and computer tucked away, just sitting around and relaxing and focusing on himself. It had been so long since Thomas had taken a me-day. The others rarely allowed it. Logic was always droning on about schedules and responsibilities and Morality hated to cancel plans on Thomas’s friends and always insisted that he drop everything he was doing to help them, no matter what. I felt a growl gather in the back of my throat. _Damn Morality. Can’t he see that Thomas is stretching himself too thin? He’s spent all week dealing with one thing or another, constantly putting his needs aside for others, and it’s only going to hurt him more if he doesn’t take a break soon. Why can’t they see that? Why can’t they see that I’m trying to_ help _him?_

My grip on the glowing orb tightened as I turned and strolled to the far side of the Subconscious, reaching for the metal tube that snaked from about waist level all the way up to the ceiling and out of the room. Opening the hatch, I gently placed the dream in the tube and sent it off to Logic’s room, where he would access the dream and determine whether it was realistic and necessary for Thomas to fulfill this desire. If he deemed it to be worthy of consideration, it would then be discussed by the three lights before either being shut down or given to Thomas as a suggestion. As I watched the orb disappear from sight, I could only pray that this time they might actually hear out this request. 

It was very rare that Thomas ever acted on his selfish desires. He was too much of a ‘good person’ to put himself before others, so they were really only used if there was no direct cost to Thomas or those around him, and even then, I was pretty sure that Morality turned the desires down just out of spite and nothing else. The few that had ever reached Thomas were small, inconsequential dreams and ideas that harmed no one in fulfilling them, which was quite the victory, especially for me, but as I gazed up at the dreams and desires gently listing here and there against the pitch black ceiling, I couldn’t help but feel unfulfilled. There were so many amazing dreams that Thomas had given up. He refused to go on dates if he already had plans that day with a friend, even if he knew they wouldn’t care if he had to reschedule. He wouldn’t move anywhere or go travelling for fear of being away from his friends and family in case they needed him. He barely had any time to himself because he was always checking in on someone, always making plans with someone, always filling up his time with someone else’s needs. 

It was infuriating, because it made my job so much more difficult and this battle was completely unnecessary. I literally only wanted what was best for Thomas. He had given up so much for everyone else and the only thing I asked of him was to take care of himself, to fulfill a desire of his own every once and awhile. To not allow himself to be trapped by these obligations and meaningless tasks if it meant that he was going to be in pain. But he was so damn stubborn that it was nearly impossible, and I knew that the cause of all these problems was Patton. Of course it was. It seemed that whenever I ran into an issue or obstacle, it was always caused in some way by the cheerful fatherly side. And I understood why he did it. I did. He wanted Thomas to be a good person. I respected that. But that didn’t mean that he had to shut down every single thing I suggested simply because _I_ had been the one to suggest it.

Shaking my head, I quickly derailed myself from that train of thought before I ended up spiralling. _It doesn’t matter,_ I tried to convince myself. _It doesn’t matter whether your ideas are used or not. It doesn’t matter whether Thomas actually goes through with his selfish desires or not. You’re still doing your job. You’re keeping yourself from fading. That’s all that matters. It doesn’t matter if he listens to you or not._

But I knew it did. It did matter. It mattered more than I would ever care to admit. There was simply nothing I could do about it. My hands were tied.

Strolling around the Subconscious, I called each dream and desire down to me, examining them for any damage or signs of discoloration, any sign that the dream was dying and that I had to get rid of it, going one at a time in a manner similar to that of checking inventory. It was a long process, and one that I didn’t enjoy in the slightest, but I knew what happened when I didn’t take the time to check every orb, and I wasn’t willing to risk it. Not when it had been a while since I had visited the Subconscious, at least. _God, I really need to focus more on doing my job. At the rate I was going, I might’ve been at risk for fading. And as amusing as it would be to see Morality’s smug little grin wiped from his face, I can’t leave my family behind. They need me. I need to be more careful, take care of myself more and make sure they’re taken care of too. None of us are going to fade. Not on my watch._

Once I had checked over every orb and made sure that all were still pure and clean, I flexed my fingers carefully, feeling how stiff they were and how the ice coating my gloves cracked loudly as I moved them, before shivering slightly and stepping out of the Subconscious and closing the door quickly behind me, sealing the room back up. Standing there for a moment, my arms wrapped around me as I tried to conserve body heat, I waited as the chill of the room was soon replaced with the warmer, homely temperature of the corridor, which wasn’t necessarily warm by any means, but was preferable to the bitter chill of the Subconscious any day.

After a moment, I straightened and shook out any of the remaining stiffness and chills as I took a confident step forward and disappeared down the twisted labyrinth of the Darkside. Following the map in my head that I knew would lead me to the living room, I wondered what Remus and Anxiety were up to. _Probably getting into trouble, as per usual,_ I thought wearily, shaking my head lightly as a small smile stretched across my lips. _I love them, but God, are they exhausting. I might need a brief afternoon nap if I’m to deal with either of them for an extended period of time._

Laughing to myself softly, I turned and made my way into the living room, peeking in quietly at the scene unfolding before me. Remus and Anxiety were both seated on the floor in front of the television, Anxiety sitting cross legged, leaning against the foot of the couch while Remus was curled up in his lap, a movie playing on the screen that had their undivided attention. I hazarded a glance at the television to find that they had put in _Anastasia,_ and I couldn’t help but smile as I watched Rasputin belting out his big musical number, "In the Dark of the Night". I could hear Remus singing along at the top of his lungs, dramatically gesturing left and right as the song played, nearly clocking Anxiety in the jaw in the process, who watched him while chuckling to himself and humming along. Leaning against the door frame, I allowed myself to just sit back and watch them getting along, neither of them teasing or taunting the other for once. While their banter and play-fighting was amusing in its own right, it was nice to see my two boys just sitting back and enjoying each others’ company.

**Monster.**

I blinked, caught off guard. _What…? What the hell was that?_

**Freak. Inhuman. Monster.**

_The fuck was that?_ I glanced around, but there was no one else there but me. The voice didn’t appear to be coming from the outside world, anyway. If anything, it appeared to be…

**Dangerous. Monster. Freak. Inhuman beast.**

...coming from inside my head.

**Liability. Freak. Inhuman. Dangerous. Monster. Liar.**

I flinched at every insult, each one stinging like a slap to the face. I put up my hands, as if to ward them off, but to no avail.

**Inhuman beast. Freak. Worthless. Dangerous. Liability. Monster. Useless. Liar.**

_No… stop._

**Pathetic. Freak. Liability. Worthless. Inhuman beast. Dangerous. Monster. Broken. Useless. Liar. Villain.**

_Please… it hurts._

**It hurts because it’s true,** the voices whisper.

_No…_

**You know it’s true. All of it. Every single word is the truth.**

_No… it’s not… true._

**Admit it! You’re a monster. A freak! An inhuman beast who’s a danger to us all. Admit it!**

_No! You’re lying!_

**Ah, but who’s the true liar here, Deceit? Certainly not me.**

_No! Please… please stop._

**You’re the only liar here. You’re a freak, a liar and manipulator! You’re a monster, an inhuman beast! The true villain of this story. And you know it too, don’t you?**

_no…_

**Yes.**

_No…_

**Yes.**

_No._

**Yes.**

_No!_

**You can deny it all you want. You can fight against me every step of the way until you’re bruised and bloody, but even if you manage to lie to me, you can never lie to yourself, Deceit. You’re a monster. A villain. A treacherous snake. And the second they realize what you truly are, they’ll all leave you behind.**

_No._ But even my own mind didn’t believe me. I sounded so… defeated. Like I had already given up hope before the fight had even begun.

A cruel chuckle echoed in my mind, the voice grating so badly on my nerves that my hands instinctively went up to cover my ears even though I knew that it wouldn’t do me any good. You can’t drown out a voice that existed in your head.

**I knew it. You’re weak. Pathetic. Broken.**

_No… I’m not._

**Yes you are, and as soon as your ‘family’ finds out how weak you truly are, they’ll abandon you. One. By. One.**

_Shut up! Shut up, shut up, shut up! You’re lying! They would never abandon me! They love me! They need me! I’m their father! I’m supposed to look out for them! They could never leave me behind!_

Another cruel, cold, calculating chuckle, enough to make me wince and jerk away. **Whatever you say, Janus.**

In an instant, I found my mind dragged back to my argument with Patton, an event that had happened almost a month ago, but that haunted my every waking moment ever since.

_I released Patton’s collar and took a step back, my breath still coming out in short gasps. I could feel my heart beating in my throat and my head was pounding. Suddenly I just wanted to go home, to get out of here. I knew I wasn’t going to get through to Patton. He was impossible. “Heed my warning or don’t. One way or another, you’ll pay for everything you’ve done, Morality. You leave my sons and my family alone, or you won’t like the reality you wake up to.”_

_He casually fixed his shirt collar, a smirk still on his face. As I turned to walk away, I heard his voice calling out from behind me. “Whatever you say, Janus.”_

I choked back a sob, pressing my hands over my ears as I rocked back and forth on the balls of my feet, feeling myself tremble from the anxious energy throbbing inside me, filling the inside of my head like cotton and keeping me from being able to think clearly.

“Deceit?”

_Oh God. It hurts. It hurts so bad. Just make it stop. Please._

“Deceit?”

_Oh God. Oh God. Please. Please stop._

“Hey, can you hear me?”

I felt hands on my shoulders and pulled away with a slight whimper, my back hitting the wall, keeping me from retreating any further. _No. Please, God. No more._

“Deceit? Answer me, please.”

_Nononononononononononono. Please. Please make it stop. No more. Please._

“Deceit!”

My head shot up, the roaring inside my ears silencing as my eyes met Anxiety’s, who was standing in front of me, his arms outstretched a few inches from me, concern and fear in his gaze. My chest ached as I sucked in rapid breaths, trying to steady my racing heart, motioning for Anxiety to give me some more space when I started to feel a little claustrophobic. He obliged quietly, taking a few steps back, and I sank against the wall slightly, biting out a shaky laugh.

“S-sorry about that, Anx. You really ss-scared me there,” I managed, trying to play it off. “Guess I was just l-lost in thought. What was it you needed?”

He gazed at me, his face still awash with concern. “Are you okay, Dee?”

“Me? Of course I am!” I stood up straighter, feeling my heartbeat return to a normal tempo as I pasted a smile to my face. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

“I don’t know, maybe because you just went as pale as a sheet, fell back against the wall, and went unresponsive for the past five or so minutes?” Anxiety shot back, his eyes flashing purple. I flinched back slightly at his aggressive tone and he sighed before softening his voice slightly, “What’s going on, Pops? Did something happen? You know you can talk to me at any time, right?”

My mind flashed back to the voices, telling me that if they knew how weak I was, they would leave me. Hadn’t Patton said the exact same thing? What if they were right? What if Anxiety really did leave me if he found out that I couldn’t protect him and Remus? I shuddered slightly at the thought before shoving it aside, reaffirming my smile as it started to slip. “I’m okay, Anx, I promise. I just got really distracted and lost in thought, and got frightened when you appeared in front of me out of nowhere. That’s it. Now please, go back to your movie.” I motioned towards the television, which Remus was still glued to in spite of our conversation, which I was sure had gotten pretty loud. “Your brother is waiting for you.”

Anxiety sighed. “Whatever you say, Dee.”

I flinched, once again watching my argument with Patton play through my head. _God, he even sounds like him._ I wasn’t able to hide the slight pain in my eyes or the way I began to shiver from Anxiety, who was about to reach out to me again, his fingers just barely grazing my arm as I backed away again, pulling free of his grasp. His lips parted slightly, unasked questions and concerns left hanging off the tip of his tongue, but before he could say anything, Remus called for Anxiety to join him. He glanced over at his younger brother just long enough for me to slip down the hallway and disappear behind a thick wall of fog, safe from his worried questions and concerned stares. I stood still for a moment, catching my breath and steadying my thoughts when they tried to derail themselves again. _I’m okay. It’s okay. Everything’s fine. Focus, Dee. Focus on the task at hand. Everything’s okay now._

I kept walking for a while, my feet moving one after the other in a mindless fashion, not even sure where I was trying to go. As I went further and further into the deepest, darkest recesses of the Darkside, I felt my legs finally give out on me and I sank to my knees, wrapping my arms around my stomach as I took one deep breath, another, a third, until the feeling finally returned to my numbing limbs and I was able to think straight, or at least, as straight as I could think. Getting shakily to my feet, I continued on my way, a destination settling in my mind after another moment of wandering.

 _Am I really sure about this? What if something goes wrong? What if I make a big mistake and there’s no one around to help me? What if I mess things up and they never find me? What if something bad happens?_ I shook my head, quickly turning my mind from the downward spiral that attempted to destroy my resolve. _No. Everything is going to be fine. I’ve got this. Everything is under control. No need to fear. I am going to be fine._

With that, I continued on my way. It took a good fifteen or so minutes of walking down a number of twisted, confusing hallways, even going up and down a few flights of stairs that I didn’t even know existed, and finding the occasional secret passageway hidden behind walls of false bricks and mortar before I reached my destination. It was a plain door, much like any other door to a darkside’s room, the only distinguishing feature about this one was that the wood appeared to be slightly warped, the door handle bent out of shape as if someone had crushed it into submission. 

Taking a deep breath, I knocked lightly, waiting for a response I knew would never come. After a moment, I straightened, pushing my shoulders back and forcing a false sense of bravado that I didn’t have as I threw the door open and stepped inside. The door shut behind me as if by command, and it took everything I had not to jump at the sudden loud noise of the slam. Turning, I forced a smile onto my face as I greeted the pair of glowing black eyes watching me from the other side of the room, silently gazing at me without revealing any thoughts or emotions behind its blank gaze. Taking a deep breath, I steadied myself as I took a step forward to meet the mysterious figure hidden in the shadows of the dark room.

“Long time no see, Wrath.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! First of all, I am so sorry that it took me so long to post this next chapter! I had literally nothing planned out for these next few chapters, so I took a few days to plan out chapters 13-20 and now I have a pretty solid plan of where things are going, at least for a little while. And then it took me a while to try and find time to write while dealing with a bunch of stuff that I'm not going to bore you with the details of. Rest assured, I will hopefully be better about posting chapters in the future, but my "Spring Break" just ended and my teachers are already piling work on me, so we'll see what happens. Anyway, thank you for reading and I hope to hear from you guys soon! New chapters coming out... eventually!
> 
> ~Your Fellow Fander


	14. Remus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> So... it's been a while, huh? Sorry, and enjoy!

“What the hell are you doing anyway?”

I blinked at Anxiety from where I was hanging upside down from his ceiling fan. “I dunno. Hanging, I guess.”

“Why?”

I shrugged. “Why not?”

He laughed from where he was seated on his stool, a blank canvas sitting in front of him and a brush hovering over his palette thoughtfully. “Fair enough.”

“What are you gonna paint?”

His expression turned sour. “No idea. I thought I knew what I was doing, but now I’m drawing a blank.”

“I’m sure you’ll figure something out.”

The soft strains of “Someone You Loved” began playing from Anx’s speaker as “Baby Don’t Cut” wrapped up in the background. I made a face, wondering if he had any songs that weren’t about love and junk. Anxiety seemed to read my mind because he sighed and set down his brush and palette before walking over to his phone and skipping “Broken” by Isak Danielson in favor of a whole string of songs by NF. I bobbed my head along to the beat of “Hate Myself” as Anx sat back down at the stool and glared at the blank canvas, burying his face in his hands.

Unhooking my legs from the ceiling fan, I let myself fall to the floor, letting out a soft “oof” as I hit the ground. Anxiety peeked out from between his fingers, an amused smirk gracing his cheeks as he gazed at me lying on the floor in a heap. Getting to my feet and brushing myself off, I walked up and waved my hand, manifesting a sword and shield as I went. 

“Alright, enough of the pitiful looks. If you need something to paint, paint me.”

Anxiety blinked at me. “Paint… you?”

“Yeah! I can do whatever pose you want me to. And besides, someone as beautiful as me deserves to be memorialized forever,” I declared, striking a pose.

He laughed. “Okay. But _I_ get to pick the pose and props.”

I pretended to pout for a moment before nodding. “Sure. Whatcha got in mind?”

Nearly an hour later and I was beginning to regret my offer.

“Anx, are you almost done? I’ve been standing like this  _ forever _ ,” I complained, gritting my teeth as I struggled to keep my exhausted limbs in the position my brother had chosen.

“Shut up. You’re the one who offered to do this, you can’t complain,” he shot back, not even glancing up from the canvas he was painting, his wrist moving quickly as he painted bold strokes here and there.

I threw my head back and groaned loudly, nearly drowning out the lilting melody of “Trauma” as it flowed from Anx’s speakers. Straightening, I did my best to keep my arms steady even as they ached and cramped, biting back another string of complaints that were waiting on the tip of my tongue. I knew that Anxiety was right, and I also knew that the less I interrupted him, the quicker he would finish the painting, so I kept my mouth shut.

Glancing around to distract myself, I smiled as my eyes scanned across the hundreds of charcoal sketches Anxiety had taped over the walls, only little peeks of the black painted walls showing from the sea of white paper. Most of the sketches seemed to be inspired by fear, whether it be fears that he has, fears that Thomas has, or even the fears of the other sides. Anxiety knew it all, every single fear that clouded the minds of those inhabiting the mind palace, and he had them pasted over every square inch of his wall to prove it. I saw a spiraling tornado next to a giant spider, which was across from a gravestone with a name written across it that I couldn’t make out and diagonal from a person standing alone in an empty room. I chuckled as I saw myself in several of the pictures and wondered who might have been the cause of that.  _ Probably Patton. Or Thomas. Or both. Yeah, probably both. It’s so funny that they’re afraid of me. It’s not like I can do anything to hurt them. I’m no stronger than Roman is, and he’s really just a by-product of Thomas’s upbringing, not a direct function like Morality or Logic. _

Then one of the pictures caught my eye, and I felt my heart skip a beat at the sight.  _...Deceit? _ I frowned, confused.  _ Why the hell would Pops be among the fears on the wall? He’s not scary or dangerous. He’s the nicest, kindest, sweetest, most accepting side I know. Why would anyone be afraid of him? _ I tried to scour my mind for an answer, but I kept coming up blank. Logan didn’t fear him, Anxiety and I were pretty obvious, and I didn’t think that any of the other darksides would be afraid of him either. That left me with Roman and Patton, but I just wasn’t sure. Roman probably didn’t even have the slightest clue of Deceit’s existence, but I just couldn’t believe that Patton would ever be afraid of Dee either. It wasn’t that Deceit couldn’t be scary. I knew he could. I just didn’t think Dee would have the heart to scare Patton. It was clear that the two had been relatively close before whatever happened between them. It just didn’t make sense to me, but I figured that there was no use thinking about it any longer. It wasn’t like stewing in my thoughts would make the answer magically appear right in front of me.

For a moment, I glanced at Anxiety and wondered if I should ask him.  _ Would he even answer? _ A large part of me said no, that I shouldn’t ask him and that he would never tell me anyway, and for once I decided to listen to that part of myself instead of the tiny voice of recklessness that I usually followed. Even I knew when to draw the line, and asking about people’s fears seemed way too personal and cruel, even for me.

Anxiety finally set down his brush, the final few chords of “Paralyzed” ending in the background, and stood back to admire his work. I flopped on the ground, relieved that I could move again and let my arms take a break. My eyes flickered up to Anxiety from where I lay, and I saw a small smile tease at his lips as he looked at the painting. I felt my chest grow warm at the sight.  _ I love his smile. It’s always so small and you could blink and miss it, but when you see it, you know it’s always genuine. _ Hauling myself to my feet with a groan, I walked over and leaned against my older brother, gazing at the portrait before me, and grinned.

“It’s really something, isn’t it?” he asked softly.

I nodded in agreement, a soft laugh catching in my throat as I tore my gaze from the painting and looked at Anxiety instead. “Yeah, it really is.”

After that, I opened up my laptop and Anxiety settled next to me on the bed as he helped me brainstorm some new creatures for the novel I was writing.

“Basically the main character is this prince who goes on a quest to save this princess that he’s never met. He’s sent on the quest because the king promises to let him marry the princess, his daughter, if he saves her. The only problem is that on this quest, the prince begins to fall in love with his companion, a knight who was meant to help and protect him on his quest. They end up getting together but continue on the quest because they still want to rescue this poor girl from her evil captor. During one of their escapades, the knight ends up getting killed while protecting the prince, leaving him incredibly traumatized, mentally and emotionally. In the end he is able to rescue the princess and defeat her captor before returning her home, and as his lover is dead, he settles on marrying the princess and living miserably ever after,” I described.

Anxiety whistled low in admiration. “That’s quite the tale. I take it that this is a high fantasy novel?”

I nodded. “With some horror elements mixed in. One of the creatures they fight separates them and then uses psychological warfare on them by making them think that the other is dead because of them and has come back as a ghost to torment them until they kill themselves. The knight sees through the ruse and saves the prince before he can stab himself to death.”

“Jesus, that’s dark. So what do you need help with?” He wrapped himself up in a blanket and curled up next to me, the glow of my computer screen making his face look slightly bluish in the darkness of his room.

“I’m at the point where I’m about to kill off the knight, but I don’t know what I want to kill him. It’s gotta be something tough, and it’s gotta be so terrifying that the prince would freeze up and cause the knight to have to fight it on his own and inevitably die in the scuffle. Any ideas?”

Anxiety thought for a moment. “Well, a lot of people have arachnophobia. What if they came across a young girl who looked sweet and innocent and fooled them with some sob story about her brother being in danger or whatever, and she led them into some quiet, isolated place, like a cave, only for the girl to transform into a giant spider and attack them. The transformation itself from girl to spider would be terrifying enough to freeze the prince in his tracks, and if he’s afraid of spiders, it would keep him from helping until the knight falls in battle and he has no choice but to act.”

I blinked at him. “That… is a perfect idea! I love the thought of them being attacked by something unassuming that preys on their kind, helpful nature. And the spider idea is great! I actually had the prince mention towards the beginning of the book that he wasn’t too keen on spiders, so it also serves as a callback to that piece of information. Anx, that’s brilliant!”

He blushed slightly as the praise. “Thank you. I mean, I am pretty good at coming up with scary ideas.”

I smirked. “So you weren’t  _ at all _ inspired by a certain episode of Gravity Falls that explores a similar idea.”

“Shit! I knew the idea felt familiar,” he frowned. “How the hell could I forget Gravity Falls?”

I laughed. “It’s fine, Anx. It’s still an amazing idea. I love it, and I’m going to use it. I just like to tease ya, you know.”

“Yeah, I know.” His eyes lit up suddenly. “Hey, does the prince know what the princess looks like in the story?”

“No, why?”

“What if the spider girl is actually the princess, who is in league with her captor and is using this whole kidnapping thing as a ruse in order to marry the prince. She could have little spider minions spying on the prince and knight and they could have noticed their relationship, so she decided to take matters into her own hands and kill the knight so the prince would be hers. I’m assuming her captor has some sort of magic, so they could have made it so the prince wouldn’t recognize the princess when he fought her as a spider, and he only realizes that it’s her after the wedding, meaning that he would be all the more miserable because he married his lover’s killer unknowingly.”

“Oh. My. God. I love it!” I exclaimed, quickly typing it down on the brainstorming doc while the idea was still fresh in my head.

“Really? You do?”

“Yes! It’s so messed up and twisted and it’s perfect for this story. It’s just the ending I need. Thank you so much Anx! I never would have thought of something like that!”

“It’s no problem. I was just sort of spitballing ideas,” he flushed slightly.

“That’s exactly the point. That’s why brainstorming with someone else can be so exciting. They can come up with stuff that you might have never thought of. I used to do it all the time with… Roman.”

I felt my throat close up at the thought as I watched hundreds of happy memories swirling inside my head, with Roman being at the center of all of them. All the times when the two of us created things together inside the Imagination, having mini wars with our creatures to see who would come out victorious. The two of us switching clothes and pretending to be each other to confuse Logan and Patton. Starting massive prank wars that were initially intended to be between the two of us, but eventually ended up roping the other two into the fun as well. And all the late nights where we’d stay up for hours, tossing ideas back and forth until we were too tired to form complete sentences. Whenever we had a story idea, we always tossed information back and forth and allowed the other’s input to be heard before writing anything. Roman needed me to help his stories have actual plots that weren’t all just fluff, and I needed Roman to help my stories have happy, cheerful parts so that it wasn’t just one big ball of angst the whole time. We needed one another to balance each other out. It had been his idea to have the prince and knight fall in love, just as it had been my idea to kill off one of them shortly after. I started this book with Roman by my side. It felt wrong that he wouldn’t be around when I completed it.

I blinked rapidly to try and keep my tears from falling, staring intently into the computer screen in the hopes that it would help to focus on something else.  _ God, I miss you so much, you idiot. I wish you were here. I think you’d be proud of me. If you don’t hate my guts, that is. Who knows what lies Patton’s been feeding you while I’ve been gone. You might never want to see me again. _

Anxiety noticed my pained expression and gently nudged me with his shoulder, a slight grin on his face. “Hey, it’s gonna be okay, Ree. I’m sure he’d be proud of you for still writing now that you’re apart. I’m sure one of these days you’ll both be back together again. And if not, then that’s his loss. The little jerk should have thought twice before pushing you away like that. No matter what, I’ll always be by your side. You can always come to me if you need some brainstorming help.”

“Thanks Anx,” I snuggled into his side and he wrapped his arms around me comfortingly. I took a deep, cleansing breath, letting all my emotions wash over me in waves, feeling safe and warm in his caring, protective embrace.

“Anytime, squirt.”

I made a face at him, a choked laugh escaping my throat. He didn’t say anything more, just held me close and let me breathe, and I appreciated it. Truth be told, that was all I needed at that point. Time alone with my thoughts. After I had reigned in my emotions and felt a bit calmer, I glanced up at Anxiety, who had his eyes closed and appeared to be asleep. Biting the inside of my lip, I debated whether or not it would be right to disturb him, but in the end I couldn’t help myself.

“Anx?”

One of his eyes cracked open. “Yeah?”

“I’ve been… thinking.”

“A dangerous occupation, I’m sure.”

I elbowed him in the ribs. “Hey!”

“What?” he laughed, warding off my blows with his hands. “I’m not wrong.”

“Shut up,” I grumbled, pouting.

“Alright, alright. I’m sorry. So, you’ve been thinking about…?”

“I’ve been thinking about our purpose in Thomas’s life.”

“Wow, getting philosophical, are we?” Anxiety teased before sitting up, giving me his full attention. “What about our purpose?”

“I was wondering… we all have jobs, right?”

“Yep.”

“What’s yours? What do you have to do in order to keep from…” I swallowed hard and Anxiety finished for me.

“Fading?”

I nodded.

“Well, I’m lucky in that aspect, I suppose. I don’t really have to do much besides just exist. My influence on Thomas is automatic because I have such a large part to play in his life. I don’t necessarily have to actively try and make him listen to me. He just… hears.”

“Really? How does that work?” I asked, wide-eyed.

“Well, it’s sort of like your influence on him, I guess. You don’t have to try to give him intrusive thoughts, do you?”

“No.”

“And I don’t have to try to give him anxiety. Thomas has heightened anxiety, which means that I’m always a part of his daily life to some degree. And when I have panic attacks, he does too and vice versa. It’s sort of a give and take between us. I guess in some ways, he influences me just as much as I influence him. I mean, every few weeks I usually have a really bad panic attack that allows me to re-enforce my hold on Thomas, but it’s not really something I can control. I would never intentionally put him through that. Honestly, I’m not sure why they happen, but they’re certainly not pleasant. At least they make it so Thomas is more inclined to listen to me, which is good for me. I might start to fade otherwise.”

“So… you don’t have to worry about fading? You’re safe from that happening to you?”

“Eh, that’s debatable. The only reason I might fade is if Thomas decides to go to the doctor and ask for medication for his anxiety. It might weaken my hold to the point that I fade as a result. Luckily for me, he’s never tried it, but I know that the threat of the lights convincing Thomas to try is always hanging over my head in case I step out of line or cause them any trouble,” Anxiety admitted, a scowl marring his features.

I snuggled closer to him, placing a hand firmly on his shoulder. “I won’t let that happen,” I declared.

His scowl melted away into an amused grin. “Oh really? What are you gonna do if they try?”

“I’d fuck up Thomas’s mind so much that they’d regret even  _ thinking _ about hurting you. I wouldn’t stop until they promise to leave you alone and let you do your job in peace, and if they tried to protest, I’d make it even worse.” I grinned maniacally.

Anxiety ruffled my hair. “I’m sure you would, squirt.”

We sat in comfortable silence for a moment, the only noise was the quiet sound of our breathing.

“Hey, Anx?”

“Yeah?”

“What do you know about the Subconscious? I know that Dee works there and that he told me to never go there, but he didn’t really tell me why other than it’s dangerous.”

Anxiety frowned. “Dee’s right, Remus. The Subconscious is incredibly dangerous. Don’t ever go there.”

“I won’t. I already promised Pops that I wouldn’t. I just want to know why it’s so dangerous. I’m curious.”

He sighed. “The Subconscious is cold. Not winter in Maine cold, we’re talking outer space cold. So cold that ice begins to form on the outside of your clothes the second you step inside. Only Dee can survive the frigid temperatures for long, and even then, he has to wear special clothes to keep himself warm or he might die as well. The Subconscious stores Thomas’s deepest, darkest desires. His selfish desires, you might call them. They are these floating gold orbs that are hypnotizing to look at. They have a hold over anyone who looks at them, causing them to lose their mind and become obsessed with them to the point that you selfishly hoard them all to yourself and attack anyone who dares to come near you. They can also corrupt you beyond recognition if you stay there for too long. When a side becomes corrupted, two things can happen. Either they will become a new side that is only a shadow of their former self, with a new job and new function to boot, or they will fade away and die as a result. There have been many sides in the past who have ignored Dee’s warning and entered the Subconscious, and they’ve all ended up dead or driven insane because of it.”

I gazed at Anxiety, eyes wide and breath stifled as he sighed and ran his hands through his hair before continuing, his voice becoming broken and weary.

“There… there have even been some darksides in the past who… purposefully entered the Subconscious,” he admitted.

“Why?” I breathed.

“They… they no longer wanted to exist. They had grown tired of their existence and tried to… commit suicide by entering the Subconscious. And some of them, Dee was unable to save, no matter how hard he tried. Those sides… their deaths haunt him even now. It wrecked him to know that his sons and brothers were in so much pain that they had killed themselves so they wouldn’t have to continue to exist, and the fact that he was unable to save them or help them through it… it broke him, Ree. That’s why he’s so adamant that you never enter the Subconscious. He doesn’t want to lose anyone else.”

Anxiety refused to meet my eye as he said this, and I felt my stomach drop as a thought entered my head.  _ What if… what if Anxiety was one of the sides that tried to commit suicide in the Subconscious? What if that’s why he knows so much about all of this. Because he went through the same things and survived. _ I tried to shake the thought from my mind, but it refused to leave me in peace, instead choosing to fill my every thought until I could barely stand it. Eventually I gave up trying to fight against it, filing it away to ask Dee later. I didn’t want to ask Anxiety, especially if I was wrong and I offended him or hurt him as a result. I knew that if he had attempted to kill himself, that would be a very sensitive topic and not one that should be addressed casually or carelessly.

“But hey, that’s not really important anyway,” Anxiety stood, clapping his hands together and startling me from my thoughts. “All that matters is that we’re safe and sound and you aren’t going to go anywhere near the Subconscious, right?”

His eyes searched mine and I forced a smile to my lips, nodding in agreement.

“Good.” he said. “Now, how about we go make dinner for Dee? He’s been really stressed lately and I’d like to help him out a little. You wanna help me out?”

“Of course!” I hopped up from the bed and took Anxiety by the hand, pulling him along down the hallway and to the kitchen, with him laughing at my enthusiasm the whole way there.

Once we arrived in the kitchen, Anxiety scoured the room for whatever we had around, trying to decide what to make, while I played around with some of the utensils, one of the large dinner plates and the whisk becoming my sword and shield. He didn’t say a word as I used a pot for a helmet and began running around the kitchen, whacking him on the head with the whisk every time I passed him by.

“Pasta or soup?” he asked as he poked his head out of the pantry, glancing at the food we had available.

“Soup!” I declared before smacking him on the head again.

He made a face at me as he grabbed a few different materials and spread them out on the kitchen island before looking in the fridge for something fresh. As I ran past him once more, I attempted to whack him on the head again, but he stuck out his foot as I passed and I tripped and fell, the whisk slippin from my fingers as I went crashing to the ground and the pot making a loud clang as it flew off my head. The room spun before my eyes for a moment as I managed to sit up, groaning as I felt the bruises already forming on my legs. Once I could see straight. I shot a glare at my brother, who promptly ignored me.

Getting to my feet, I went to stand next to the kitchen island, where he had a handful of different vegetables scattered about, a knife, and a cutting board. Bouncing up and down on my heels, I watched as Anxiety washed the vegetables in the sink before sitting them down in front of me and placing the knife in my hand.

“Start chopping vegetables into small, manageable pieces,” he instructed.

I raised an eyebrow. “You’re trusting me with a knife.”

“Yes, so don’t make me regret it. It’s either this or working the stove, and I’d rather you didn’t burn the kitchen down tonight.”

“Aye aye, Captain!” I saluted him sarcastically, which he also ignored, instead choosing to turn to the stove and get working on the base for the soup.

I turned to the vegetables and poked at them with the knife. “Ready to die, veggies? You’re about to breathe your last breath. Any parting words you wish to share with the group?”

Anxiety snorted. “If they could talk, they would be telling you to shut up and just kill them already. No one wants to sit around and hear you blab about whatever garbage that’s rotting in that dump of a brain of yours. After a half an hour they would be begging for the sweet, sweet release of death.”

“Shut up! You don’t know that. They might love my stories,” I pretended to look hurt.

“Doubt it.”

I stuck out my tongue at him and began dicing and mincing the carrots, celery, tomatoes, potatoes, green beans, and onions, choosing to leave the corn and peas whole, as there wasn’t much point to cutting them into smaller pieces. By the time I had finished, Anxiety had a pot full of water boiling on the stove and had moved on to Sautéing the vegetables and putting them in the pot. I stirred the soup while he added in cream, spices, and herbs. He took out the spoon and had me taste it.

“Could use some more salt,” I suggested, and he nodded, sprinkling in a little before stirring and tasting it again.

“Tastes good to me. What do you think?”

I took a sip.

“I think you aren’t a completely shitty cook after all.”

He smacked me upside the head. “Thanks. Did it take you this long to figure that out, Sherlock?”

I laughed, thinking of Logan and his Sherlock cosplay. “Hey, at least I was able to figure it out on my own.”

“Thank God for small miracles,” he muttered and I laughed again.

As the soup simmered over the stove for a while longer, Anxiety put some rolls in the oven to bake, remarking that there was nothing as amazing as fresh bread and soup. I raised an eyebrow in his direction, smirking slightly.

“You figured that out all on your own, did you?” I teased.

“Shut up.” But he was still smiling.

“Make me.”

“You wanna go, punk?” he demanded.

“That depends. You man enough to take me?” I asked, a slightly demented smile on my face.

“You better run, you little shit!”

With that, I took off in a sprint, Anxiety chasing after me. Racing around the kitchen island and running into the living room, I leapt over the couch and looped around the bookshelf before running into the dining room. Picking up one of the chairs, I put it between me and Anx like a lion tamer in a cage with one of the fearsome beasts. His face wore a demented smile of its own as he picked up a chair himself and we began to duel, skirting around the table and dodging blows as we attempted to poke each other with the chair legs. I had just poked Anxiety in the stomach with the chair when Deceit walked into the dining room, a slightly troubled, distant expression on his face that quickly disappeared as he took in the sight of Anx and I fighting each other like we were in medieval times, the kitchen chairs are only weapons.

He blinked once before fixing us both with a look that made us both set the chairs down in their places and smile at him sheepishly. “Do I even want to know?” he questioned, rubbing at his temple wearily.

Anxiety shook his head. “It’s a long story.”

“Pops!” I dived into his arms and he laughed, stumbling back slightly as he wrapped me up in a hug.

“Hey bud. What’s got you so excited so late in the day?” he asked.

“We made dinner!” I exclaimed.

He glanced up at Anxiety, who confirmed it with a nod and a slight smile. “You made dinner? That’s so sweet! Thank you, boys. I really appreciate you helping me out.”

“Of course. We knew you were busy, and we wanted to make things a bit easier on you.”

“That’s very kind of you. I’m proud to have raised such sweet, considerate boys,” he grinned brightly, and I felt my heart grow warm and light in my chest. It had been so long since I had seen a real smile out of my father, and I had missed it.

“I’m going to take Jealousy his food. I’ll be right back,” Anxiety said, heading to the kitchen to grab a bowl of soup and some bread for our uncle before disappearing down the hall.

“I’ll go set the table,” I offered, rushing to grab the bowls, napkins, and utensils and spread them out on the dining room table.

“Thank you, Remus,” Deceit grinned again and I nearly exploded from joy.

He walked into the kitchen and took the pot of soup off the stove, setting it on the dining room table and ladling soup into each of our bowls. I carried in a plate of rolls and placed them in the center of the table next to the pot of soup, and the two of us sat and waited for Anxiety to join us. He returned rather quickly and we said grace before digging into the food. Anx and I watched in anticipation as Dee tried our soup, smiling in delight when his face lit up and he looked at us in wonder.

“This is amazing, boys! You said you made this?”

“From scratch,” Anxiety nodded.

“It’s wonderful! Thank you both so much.”

“It was no problem,” Anx replied, a slight blush coloring his features.

“It was fun!” I agreed.

“Still, I appreciate it so much. You’re both lifesavers,” Dee smiled, fixing us both with his loving gaze. “I don’t know what I would do without you.”

And with that, we all stuffed our faces full of soup and bread, taking seconds and thirds of both as we laughed and talked about this and that. As I watched Anxiety laugh so hard that soda went up his nose and Dee tell us a story of his childhood in a very animated way, his hands gesturing wildly as he spoke, I felt a burning warmth spark in my chest. This was not the first time I had felt like this was where I belonged, but there was something different about the feeling now. It felt more… permanent, as if all the previous times had been temporary purchases that had a receipt attached, and now I was stuck with what I had for the rest of my life. I felt… happy. Really, really happy. 

This was my family. Anxiety was my brother. Deceit was my father. They were all I needed to be happy, and safe, and loved. They were all I had ever wanted, and all I had never had until right now, in this very moment. For the first time, it didn’t matter what had happened in the past. Yeah, life in the Lightside had sucked, and I had been miserable, but that was okay. All of that pain and misery had been worth it, because it led me here, to a family that wanted me around and wouldn’t let me go. I knew that whatever happened in the future, it wouldn’t matter, because we would all have each other. I could make it through any trial or tribulation that came my way because I wasn’t alone anymore, and I would never be alone ever again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! I'm so sorry that it's taken me so long to write this chapter! My mental state's been pretty bad lately and I've had trouble finding the motivation to do much of anything, but I'm back and I'm excited to what's going to come next. I know a lot of you were expecting some info on Wrath given how the last chapter ended and you might be a little disappointed with this chapter, but fear not! Wrath is coming, and I hope that he lives up to your expectations! Anyway, here's a list to all of the songs that came up during this chapter. I figured some of you might be inclined to give them a listen to, as they may suggest at some important events coming up in the distant future. ;) I hope you enjoyed this chapter. Please hang with me as I try to get back into the swing of things and get more chapters out for you to enjoy. Thank you for reading!
> 
> ~Your Fellow Fander
> 
> **Baby Don’t Cut, by Bmike**  
>  **Trauma, by NF**  
>  **Paralyzed, by NF**  
>  **Hate Myself, by NF**  
>  **Someone You Loved, Lewis Capaldi**  
>  **Broken, by Isak Danielson**


	15. Deceit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What exactly happened when Deceit went to visit Wrath? Guess you'll have to read and find out! ;)
> 
> Also, I decided to go ahead and change Deceit's name to Janus in this story, so please note this change to avoid confusion. Thank you! <3

The darkness of the room felt slightly oppressive, as if there was a weight settling on my shoulders that prevented any rapid movement. In fact, the very air seemed to be filled with this tension, this heavy, melancholy, honey-like tension that seemed to coat all my limbs and hold me in place. The air, while heavy and oppressive, was also strangely energetic. There was this emotional charge that sparked all around me, as if there was a thunderstorm nearby and lightning was getting ready to strike. That was what it was like to step in the room; it was like walking out in the middle of a storm and hoping that you wouldn’t get struck.

My eyes searched the thick, inky black abyss for the glowing black eyes of the side I was looking for, but to no avail. The shadows of the room seemed to eat at any light that his eyes might have mustered, leaving me in the dark. I couldn’t help but wonder if Wrath was trying to play some sort of game where I had to make myself vulnerable before he would reveal himself or something stupid like that, but to be honest, that wasn’t really like him. He wasn’t the type of side to play games. He liked to get right to the point, a trait that I admired, as it meant that there was no need to watch my word choice or poke around to find him weak points. While I never really minded a game of cat and mouse, it was so much easier when people just wore their hearts on their sleeves.

I was about to call out into the darkness, demanding Wrath to show himself, when the lights flared on in an instant, and I was forced to shield my eyes to keep from being blinded by their sudden harsh splendor. 

The room was dark. The walls, ceiling, and floor were all a pitch black color that seemed to swallow the bright lights coming from the numerous lamps and light sources scattered around the room. The walls were textured in a manner rather reminiscent of a prison, and I could see iron bars over the windows that spanned the far right wall, letting in some natural light into the bizarre scene before me. The room was rather threadbare as far as decorations and furniture. There was a bed, desk, and wardrobe all shoved against one wall, leaving a large portion of the room empty. There was a mini-fridge and a small oven in one corner of the room, likely because Wrath never dared to venture into the kitchen in the commons. A variety of exercise equipment covered the opposing wall, a punching bag being one of the most prominent pieces, beaten and torn from use. The only wall that had any obvious decoration was the wall that shared the entrance to the room, and it wasn’t a decoration so much as a collage of pictures, pieces of writing, sticky notes, and other assorted objects all connected by a web of string. There was scribbled black writing all over some of the documents and some of the pictures had faces colored over in thick, angry lines, as if someone had taken a sharpie to them in anger, and I had to fight back the urge to take a closer look at the wall, as it was the most fascinating piece in the room, in order to fix my cool, steely gaze on the side before me.

Wrath was dressed in a black tank top that showed off his muscular form, also wearing black exercise shorts and black tennis shoes, his brown hair covered in a black beanie. He was wearing boxing gloves and stood before the punching bag, taking one more swing at the object of his rage before turning to me and slipping the gloves off, taking the towel that was wrapped around his neck and swiping at the beads of sweat that were collecting at his temple. He smirked at me.

“Deceit,” he spat my name like it was a dirty word, and maybe to him it was. “To what do I owe the pleasure?” he drawled, leaning against the wall in a rather casual manner, although I could tell by the stiffness in his spine that he was very much on edge. I hadn’t visited his room in years, and it was clear that he hadn’t missed me one bit. 

Taking a step forward, I figured that I should make my visit brief if I knew what was best for me. Wrath wasn’t the type of side to be amused by idle chatter, and was more than likely already on his last nerve. He would hear me out, let me say what I needed to say, and then kick me out without a second thought. Still, I couldn’t help the slight smirk that graced my lips as I raised an eyebrow at the punching bag.

“You usually practice boxing in the dark?”

“I think you’d find that it provides quite the challenge,” he replied.

I watched intently as he began to pace the room, still forcedly casual, his exercise clothes changing at the snap of his fingers into ripped black jeans, a black leather jacket with no shirt underneath, and black combat boots, the beanie still firmly in place. He stopped pacing, turning to face me once again, and for a moment we just stood there, an unspoken war going between us as we quietly dared the other to speak first. Neither of us seemed willing to break the silence whatsoever, and so we just stood there, staring at each other. 

Eventually, Wrath snapped his fingers and a table and two chairs appeared. The table was small and rectangular. It reminded me of a card table that one might play board games on, its surface scarred and stained, weatherbeaten like most things in Wrath’s room. I wouldn’t have been surprised if he had told me that he frequently took out his anger on his belongings. The chairs looked old and liable to break beneath us, but when Wrath gestured for me to sit, I did as I was told. The two of us sat at the table, me sitting ramrod straight with my hands folded in front of me professionally, Wrath slouching over with one elbow resting on his knee, watching me with hooded eyes as smoke drifted from the cigarette dangling loosely in his hand.

“Alright, get to the point, old man. I’m sure you didn’t just visit to say hi. What do you want? Come to take something else from me?” he snapped before bringing the cigarette to his lips and drew in a breath, exhaling a dark cloud of smoke that had the vague resemblance of a skull.

I blinked at him. “I… beg your pardon?”

He sat up suddenly, his face livid, and his fist hammered on the table with a loud bang that made me jump. “Don’t play dumb with me! You know exactly what I’m talking about! You took everything from me, and I hope it keeps you up at night, knowing that it’s your fault he’s gone!”

My eyes softened in understanding. “You mean Hatred?”

He went silent, his eyes burning a hole in the concrete floor as he tried to control his breathing. My chest ached as I watched him, looking so lost, so hurt, so broken. He reminded me of myself, in a way, on the day  _ I _ lost everything. The look on his face was as familiar to me as the back of my hand. It felt like an old friend, or a bitter enemy, or perhaps both at the same time. I wasn’t quite sure, to be honest, but I knew that it made phantom pains echo in my chest from memories of the past as I looked at the side before me.

“Oh, Wrath, I know you must miss him,” I said softly, trying to show him that the warmth and understanding in my voice was genuine. “I miss him too. It’s hard to let someone go, especially when you care about them, but I-”

“No!” he stood suddenly, pacing around the room, his hands bunched into fists and his breath coming out in angry huffs. “Don’t you  _ dare _ pretend to care about him. Don’t you  _ dare _ pretend to understand how I feel. You  _ can’t _ understand how this feels! How could you? You didn’t have what we had! You didn’t have to watch him fade away in your arms, unable to do anything to help him, to  _ save _ him,” his voice broke, and I stood quickly, reaching out a hand to comfort him, but he shoved me away, nearly knocking me off my feet. I quickly steadied myself, feeling a bruise already form on my shoulders from where he shoved me, and Wrath stopped, glaring daggers at me, a few tears making trails down his cheeks as he pointed a shaking finger at me. “You can’t pretend to understand what I’m going through. You don’t understand anything. You may have lost a friend that day, but I lost  _ everything _ .”

“I know,” I whispered, “I will never know what that feels like. I can’t pretend to understand. I don’t. I know that you both had a very special bond, one that I could never even begin to understand. And I’m sorry. I’m so sorry that you had to lose him. I know it must hurt.”

“It’s agony,” he said softly, his arms wrapping tightly around his stomach. “Every single day I live without him, it’s like I’m being torn apart all over again. Every day, for _three_ _years_ , I’ve had to wake up without him. Knowing that I’ll never see him again, be with him again, hold him again.”

“I know the feeling. It… is almost too much to bear,” I agreed softly, memories of another time flooding into my mind and making tears come to my eyes.

“How the hell would  _ you _ know what this feels like?!” Wrath demanded, “ _ You’ve _ never loved someone and lost them!  _ You’ve _ never watched someone be ripped right from between your fingers without so much as a word of warning! Don’t you  _ dare _ try and make this all about you, Deceit! I don’t care what tragedies and sorrows a snake like  _ you _ has experienced.  _ Nothing _ you’ve experienced could compare to how this feels!”

“Oh, of course not. Forgive me, your grace. I’ve forgotten that you’re the only one who knows what it’s like to be young and in love,” I shot back, offering him a mock bow. “My mistake for thinking that you weren’t the only one here who was hurting. It’s not like Jealousy lost a brother, or I lost a friend or anything. And it’s not like  _ I’ve _ ever lost someone I’ve loved before. Of course not. Because that would almost humanize me, wouldn’t it? And no, we can’t have that! I’m not another living being like yourself. I’m just a deceitful snake come to trick you into sinning,” I snapped, letting my bitterness into my tone without realizing it. At this point, I didn’t care anymore. I wasn’t just mad, I was furious.  _ How  _ dare _ he speak to me like that! _

“Shut up!” he screamed, covering his ears in a manner that was almost childlike.

“Aren’t you a reasonable, mature side,” I scoffed, earning a glare from him in return. “When you’re willing to communicate with me like a rational adult, please do let me know, because some of us actually have some important information to discuss.” I turned, about to walk right back out the door, maturity be damned, but something about the brokenness in Wrath’s voice caused me to stop in my tracks.

“Don’t you get it?!” he cried, his tears streaming down his face freely. “It’s  _ your _ fault that he’s gone! You  _ killed _ him! You took him away from me! He was all I had!” He choked back a sob. “He was the only damn thing I had.”

I turned back around and met Wrath’s eye, feeling myself crumble a little.  _ God, I hate this. I can’t just leave him there. I can’t just let him go on suffering, feeling like he’s completely alone with no one there to understand him. I hate feeling weak, but maybe… maybe showing my pain, my sorrow and regrets, will help him. Maybe that will be enough. _ Taking a deep breath, I let my walls fall down and revealed all the pain that I kept hidden inside behind a mask of indifference. My own tears began to stream down my cheeks as I bowed my head, feeling the weight of all my guilt settle on my chest. 

“You think I don’t know that?” I whispered. “You think  _ you _ hate  _ me _ for letting it happen? I can guarantee that I hate myself  _ twice _ as much. I know you blame me for his death, and believe me, I blame myself too. It tears me apart inside, knowing that I failed to protect him. I failed to  _ save _ him. All I ever wanted to do was keep my family safe, and I couldn’t even do  _ that _ right. So many of our fellow darksides have faded away before my very eyes, and all that I could do was stand by and watch because once the fade hits, there’s no reversing it. And it hurts. It hurts  _ so bad _ because I know that so many of them were cursing my name in their final breaths, hating me for letting this happen to them, and their voices forever haunt me, torturing me day and night with a feeling of guilt that I can never get rid of no matter how hard I try. But there’s nothing I can do about that, just like there’s nothing I can do about Hatred. I know you loved him. I loved him too. But he’s gone now, and he’s never coming back. And you can hate me until the end of time for that, and that’ll be fine. I understand if you do. But  _ please _ , just hear me out. I came here for a reason, and you need to know why, whether or not you like me or trust me.”

Wrath was silent for a moment, his face dry of tears and surprisingly calm. It felt like someone had flipped a switch in his head and he was suddenly emotionless, and that made the hair stand up on the back of my neck at the sight. Usually Wrath was very expressive. He was loud, emotional, and zealous. You could read him like an open book, even on his worst days, and know exactly what was going on in his head. But at the moment, I didn’t have a clue what he was thinking or feeling. “Fine.”

“Thank you.”

We both sat down at the table once more. He lit a cigarette and took a few puffs from it as I wiped my tears away and tried to steady my breathing. After a moment, he gestured for me to continue, still refusing to meet my eye or reveal what was going on inside his head. To be honest, it was a little disturbing, seeing such a hollow expression on someone so passionate and fiery. Although I was glad that he was finally listening to me, I couldn’t help but wonder if it had been worth the price. The truth was, I didn’t know. I didn’t know much of anything anymore.

“I came here to tell you a few things,” I began slowly, swallowing hard. His eyes flickered up to me for a moment, a little bit of the fire returning to his features as I spoke. “The first being that we’re losing another one.”

He swore. I watched in slight concern as an angry shade of red colored his face and he grit his teeth together painfully. “Goddamnit. Who is it this time? Lust? Sloth?”

“No,” I took a deep breath to calm my racing heart. “It’s Jealousy.”

Wrath flipped the table. I watched in fear as he paced around the room, his black beanie falling to the floor as his fingers tangled in his hair, his face deadly pale and his whole body trembling. “Shitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshit,” he muttered to himself, biting his lip so hard that he split it open, a small trickle of blood flowing down his chin, although he didn’t seem to notice or care. “Fuck. God-fucking-damnit. This is just great! I’m gonna lose someone else. Oh God. I can’t do it. I can’t do it, Dee. I can’t lose anyone else. I just  _ can’t _ .”

I stood and approached him, my hands up to show him that I meant no harm, a handkerchief in one hand. He let me gently wipe the blood off his face and took the handkerchief from me, pressing it to his lip to stop the bleeding. “Hey, it’s going to be okay. Deep breaths, okay?” I told him quietly, watching in relief as he nodded slightly and took a few deep breaths.

“Sorry, I panicked a little there,” he said, his voice slightly sheepish as he righted the table, which looked like it was on its last legs.

“It’s okay. I know it must be a shock to hear the news.”

“That’s an understatement,” he shot back, his eyes hardening slightly, and I backpedaled quickly.

“I just meant that, since you were unaware of the recent developments as of late, it must be a lot to take in.”

He stared down at his hands, quiet for a moment, and I let him process things, knowing that he just needed time to sort through his thoughts.

“How long? How long does he have left?” he asked softly.

“A couple months, maybe longer, maybe shorter. He’s…” I swallowed hard. “He’s  _ tired _ , Wrath. He’s tired, and weak, and miserable. He’s ready to go. I think… I think he’s been ready to go ever since he lost Hatred. The only thing keeping him alive is his nephews, and me.”

Wrath raised an eyebrow. “His nephews?”

“Anxiety and Remus,” I nodded. “They’re, well, they’re my sons. Anxiety is, obviously, Thomas’s anxiety, and Remus is…” I paused, trying to think of the best way to phrase it. “He’s half of Thomas’s Creativity. Creativity split into dark and light, with Remus being the darker half. He fuels Thomas’s Intrusive Thoughts, as well as a large portion of his Imagination.”

“I never pictured you as the fatherly type,” he remarked, appraising me doubtfully.

“That’s because you never gave me the chance to be,” I shot back. “As soon as you were old enough to be without me, you left and never looked back.”

“And I was right to do so. It’s your own damn fault we’re here in the first place. If  _ you _ didn’t open your damn mouth, we might be in the Lightside right now, living a life of luxury and never having to worry about the fade ever again. But no, you had to go and be a dumbass, and now we’re stuck  _ here _ . Just because  _ you _ were too butt-hurt to admit when you were  _ wrong _ .”

“That’s not what happened and you  _ know _ it,” I snapped.

“Whatever you tell yourself so you can sleep at night, Deceit.”

I bit the inside of my cheek to keep from snapping at Wrath again, taking a deep, calming breath.  _ Focus, Dee. Stay on task. You can’t afford to lose your temper again. You can’t afford to waste any more time. _ “That’s not the only reason why I came.”

“Get on with it, then.  _ I _ don’t want you here any more than  _ you _ want to be here.”

I paused, caught off guard. “What do you mean by that?”

Wrath shrugged. “I hate you, you hate me. It’s best for both of us if we get this over with and move on with our lives.”

“I don’t hate you, Wrath,” I told him softly but firmly.

He blinked at me. “You must be joking,” he said, taking another draw from his cigarette. “You’ve always hated my guts. That’s just how it is.”

“No. I’ve never hated you, and I never will. We may not get along well, and I know you most certainly hate me, but your anger is justifiable and I don’t blame you for feeling the way you do. It was my job to protect you all, and I failed you. I failed everyone in this hellhole. And that’s my own damn fault. I admit that. I got too cocky and the fade caught me off guard. But I’m not going to let it happen again. I had a little chat with Morality a while back. He had been mistreating Remus, so I went to give him a piece of my mind. While I was there, he left me with a warning. He threatened to target other darksides and make us fade even faster than we already have been to keep us in line. He threatened me, and Anxiety, and Remus, but also the others. Like it or not, we’re all in danger.”

“He doesn’t know about us. He can’t hurt us,” Wrath said dismissively.

“He may not know you by name, but he can certainly target and attack traits in Thomas that he deems unseemly. How mercifully do you think he would treat unruly anger? How about lust? Or laziness? As much as you might like to sweep this under the rug and forget about it entirely, he’s going to be targeting you whether you do something to cause it or not. So the question is, what are we going to do about it?”

“‘We’?”

“Of course. You and the others are still a part of our family, even if our relationship is a little strained. I don’t want anything happening to any of you.”

Wrath looked at me for a moment, his face thoughtful and his expression unreadable. “Okay,” he said suddenly. “So what do you want to do?”

“I don’t really know,” I admitted. “As long as everyone continues to do their jobs and stays active, we shouldn’t really have any problems. We all just need to stay connected and be in constant contact with each other so that if something goes wrong we can try to cover for each other and make sure that everything goes according to plan. And for that, I’m going to need you.”

He raised an eyebrow. “Where do I come into play in this equation?”

“I don’t know where the other darksides are. They all moved to the far corners of the Darkside, and while I could find them if I really tried, it’s not exactly time efficient. If something goes wrong, I need someone who can be there within a moment’s notice to help anyone who needs it. You keep in touch with the other darksides, right?”

“Of course.”

“Can you check in with them every now and then? Let me know if anything starts going awry?”

“Yes.”

“Thank you.”

“But Deceit, these are only temporary fixes. We don’t need to slap a bandaid over a bullet wound. We need to remove the bullet and stitch the wound back up,” Wrath pointed out.

“Yes, I am aware of this, but the question is, how?”

“We could wage a war on the Lightside,” he suggested. “Take control and force Thomas to listen to us.”

“We’re no match against the lightsides. Even with there only being three of them, their influence is too strong. And we’d just be exposing ourselves. They would know exactly how many of us there are and what our functions are. We don’t need to speed up our destruction,” I argued.

“Well what else can we do?” he demanded. “I don’t know about you, but I am sick and tired of being a sitting duck, waiting for the inevitable to happen. If we keep going like this, we are going to fade. That is for certain. But if we take action, we just might have a chance to make a change.”

“I don’t know, Wrath. We need to think this through and find a better solution. I know you want to take action, but I don’t think throwing ourselves to the wolves is the answer. I’ll try and think of another solution, and I’d like you to maybe gather up a couple friends and toss a few ideas around, try and get some more input. Hopefully with our combined forces, we can figure something out. I’m tired of living like this too, but more than anything, I just want my boys to live in a world where they don’t always have to be afraid of being erased from existence for being themselves. I want them to be safe and taken care of when I’m gone.”

He blinked at me. “What do you mean ‘when I’m gone’? You’re fine. You can’t fade, remember? If you do, you take Patton out with you.”

I couldn’t meet his gaze. “It’s a precaution, Wrath. I want them to be taken care of in case I’m not always around. You never know what can happen inside someone’s mind. Things don’t stay the same forever.”

“I guess so.”

He didn’t seem convinced, but I didn’t have the energy to argue with him further. Getting to my feet, I brushed some non-existent dirt off my clothes and held out a hand for a handshake, which Wrath hesitantly returned. “I’m glad that we can work together on this. Hopefully one day soon, things will be different.”

I walked towards the door, my hand resting on the doorknob when I turned back around to look at Wrath, who was watching me with an unreadable expression on his face. “Oh, and Wrath?” my voice softened and I looked at him kindly. “I know you hate me and blame me for what happened to Hatred and the others, and I understand why. It was my responsibility to keep you all safe, and I failed in that regard. It truly is my fault that they all faded away, and I can never express enough how sorry I am about that, but... I just want you to know that if you ever want to join us in the commons and become an official part of our family, the offer will always stand. I don’t hate you. I love you, Odysseus. You are as much my son as Anxiety and Remus are. If you ever want to join us, even if it’s just for a meal or a movie, we’ll welcome you with open arms.”

Wrath laughed. “Yeah, yeah. Don’t let the door hit you on the way out, bitch.”

But when I glanced back in the room as I closed the door, I could see his face soften and a light beginning to glow in his eyes. It was a warm light, dim but growing stronger, and it seemed to light up his room much more than any of the lamps that he had scattered around. I felt a smile teasing my own lips, threatening to burst forth from my cold, calculated facade, because I recognized that light. It was smaller, and much more delicate than when I had last seen it so many years ago, but it was still just as beautiful as it had been oh so long ago. It still looked just as beautiful as the last day I had ever seen it. The day before Hatred faded away for good.

After being greeted by a rather hyper Remus and an extremely annoyed Anxiety dueling each other with two of the dining room chairs and eating a rather wonderful dinner made by the two of them, I once again found myself perched on the rocking chair in the living room, skimming through  _ Groundwork of the Metaphysic of Morals _ by Immanuel Kant for the third time, not really reading the words so much as pretending to. Truth be told, my mind was far too scattered to focus on the actual text, and I had already practically memorized the book by now anyway. All I really wanted was a distraction from my thoughts, but it seemed that even philosophy couldn’t capture my spiralling thoughts. Chewing my bottom lip, a nervous habit I had no doubt picked up from Anxiety, I glanced around the living room, wondering where the teenager was. He was nowhere to be seen, likely gone to his room to destress a little, as he had been around Remus all day and the boy’s energy tended to wind anyone up if they spent too much time with him. It wasn’t any fault of his own, of course. He just had this way of enfusing his hyperactive energy in others without meaning to, and with Anxiety, it could be a little damaging if not treated properly.

Sighing, I took off my hat and ran my hands through my wavy brown locks, trying to calm the nervous energy gathering inside of me by using touch to ground me, but it didn’t really seem to be working. Nothing I had tried had made the slightest dent in my anxiety, which was growing at a rather rapid pace for no reason at all.  _ Nothing has happened, _ I reminded myself.  _ Everything is fine. There’s no reason to feel so rattled. It’s just another normal day in the mind palace. Take a deep breath and get a grip. _ I hastily sucked in a breath, running through one of the breathing exercises that Anxiety often used to manage his own anxiety, but it did little to help. I groaned and buried my face in my book.  _ It’s hopeless. I’m going to be an anxious mess for the rest of the day at this rate. God, what is  _ wrong _ with me? This isn’t like me at all. _

I heard soft footsteps entering the living room and bit back a million curses that threatened to make their way down my tongue and out of my mouth.  _ Fuck. That better not be Anxiety. The last thing I need right now is someone asking me how I’m feeling and pestering me about this and that. Please, please just leave. I just want to be alone right now. _ But the footsteps weren’t dissuaded by my silent pleading, and I heard the groan of the couch as someone flopped onto the cushions.  _ Remus, _ I thought wearily.  _ Of course it’s Remus. He always watches the television after dinner. _

Cracking my eyes open and peeking out from behind my book, I realized all at once that the TV wasn’t even on, and Remus was watching me shyly from where he was seated on the arm of the sofa. Biting back another sigh, I lowered my book and pasted a smile on my face, knowing that look in his eyes too well. Remus had something on his mind, some sort of question he wanted answers to, and while I had no idea what was about to come out of his mouth, I was certain that they weren’t going to be easy questions to answer. Swallowing hard, I prepared myself to be asked some morbid questions about a person’s pain tolerance, or the legal things you can do with your body after death, or the best way to hide a body from the law.

“Remus, what a surprise,” I greeted wearily. “To what do I owe the pleasure?”

He glanced down at his hands, fidgeting shyly as he avoided eye contact. “I… had a question for you that’s been on my mind for a while now.”

“Really? Well, I’m all ears, son. What did you want to ask me?”

He gnawed worriedly at his cheek at that before taking a deep breath and straightening, raising his head to look me in the eye. “Did… did Anxiety try to commit suicide in the Subconscious?”

I blinked at him, surprise and alarm shooting through me in a matter of seconds as I sat there, my mouth slightly agape, and I tried to formulate a response.  _ What… what the hell? Where did  _ that _ come from? Did Anxiety say something to him about the Subconscious? How could he have known…? God, I don’t know what to tell him. C’mon Dee, get it together. You have to tell him  _ something.  _ Oh God. Why do things have to be so damn hard all the time? _

Setting my book aside, I got to my feet and joined my son on the couch, watching as he slid off the arm of the chair and sat by my side. He watched me with a slightly fearful look in his eye as he took in my pale, serious expression. “R-Remus, where did you get  _ that _ idea from? Committing suicide in the Subconscious, I mean.”

He ducked his head slightly, a touch of shame in his voice as he explained. “I asked Anxiety about the Subconscious. I was curious about why it was so dangerous, and I figured that while he might not know as much about it as you would, he’d probably be more willing to share information about it with me than you would be. Besides, you were gone _all_ _day_. He was the only source of information I could find.”

_ I have to give him credit, he’s a smart kid.  _ “Okay, fair enough. What exactly did he tell you about the Subconscious?”

“He said that it was freezing cold and there were these orb thingies that could hypnotize you into wanting to stay there forever, and that staying in the Subconscious for too long could result in corruption or death. He also said…” Remus squirmed slightly, his gaze returning to his hands. “He said that in the past, some sides had gone to the Subconscious on purpose because they wanted to die, and the Subconscious was an almost guaranteed way to commit suicide. But when he said it…” He bit his lip. “Anx… he had this… strange look in his eye. Like he knew the feeling all too well. I just thought maybe he had been one of the sides to attempt to kill himself there, but he was unsuccessful or something. And I was pretty sure that if he had, you would know, so I thought I’d ask you.”

I sighed, massaging my temple wearily. “I swear, you both are going to be the death of me,” I groaned, burying my face in my hands for a moment. Taking a deep breath to steady myself, I glanced back up at Remus, who was watching me closely, curiosity and worry at war with each other in his gaze. “Remus, I don’t have the right to tell you about Anxiety’s past. That’s his personal business and if you really want to know what happened, you should be asking him, not me. I don’t know what he’d be comfortable with sharing, and I don’t want to overstep my boundaries.”

Remus nodded slowly. “I understand. I just… I thought he might get mad if I asked him about it. I thought…” He swallowed hard. “I thought maybe he’d hate me for intruding and wouldn’t want to be my brother anymore.”

“Oh Remus.” I gently pulled the boy into my lap, and he snuggled into me, burying his face in my shirt as I stroked his hair. “Anxiety would never say that. He loves you so much and he is so happy to have you in his life. He’d be lost without you. The worst he might do is tell you to mind your own business and shut you out for a day or two, but he wouldn’t hate you. I don’t think it’s possible to hate someone as amazing as you. He would never ever tell you that he doesn’t want to be your brother anymore.”

“T-that’s what I thought about R-Roman, but h-he-” Remus choked on a sob.

“Shhh. It’s okay, Remus. Take a deep breath. I’m right here. I’ve got you,” I told him quietly, rubbing small circles into his back as he cried.

After a few moments of murmuring reassurances into his hair, I took the boy gently by the chin and forced him to look at me. “Remus, I want you to look me in the eye as I say this because I want you to know that I mean it. We love you. We don’t care that you’re different or that you’re strange. We don’t care that you’re hyper and chaotic at times. We don’t care that you are a darkside or that you used to be half of Romulus. We love you as you are. We wouldn’t change a single thing about you. You’re perfect being Remus, and we wouldn’t have it any other way. I know that the lights hurt you. I know that they treated you like you were less than everyone else and that you had to earn their love and affection by stifling your abilities and your personality, but things are different now. We don’t want to change you into someone you’re not. We love you just like this, flaws and all. And I’m sorry that Roman couldn’t see how amazing and perfect you are. I’m sorry that he didn’t love and appreciate you for the person that you are. But that’s his own fault. He should have been a good brother and looked after you. He should have stood up for you and protected you from Morality. But Anxiety isn’t like Roman. He  _ chose _ to be your brother. He  _ wants _ you in his life and he loves you for who you are. Sometimes the strongest family ties you can have aren’t those of blood, but those of choice. Anxiety  _ chose _ to take you in as his little brother. I  _ chose _ to claim you as my son. That sort of bond is something that can’t be broken, not by conflicts or fighting or even any sort of trial and tribulation that Patton could think to throw our way. This love is so much stronger than anything else in the world, and it will stand the test of time again and again. I promise you, as long as you wish to be a part of this family, we will love and accept you with open arms. There’s nothing you could say or do that would change that.”

Remus didn’t say anything. I didn’t think he could. He just nodded, clinging to me tightly, as if I might vanish at any second. Although I didn’t say it out loud, I knew I wasn’t going to leave his side even if the world came crashing down on me. My son needed me. I would rather die than leave him alone at a time like this.

“And as for Anxiety’s past, while I can’t tell you about what he may or may not have done, I can tell you that he always had trouble with his self esteem and self worth.” I ran my fingers through Remus’s hair, brushing his curly bangs out of his eyes and watching as his grip loosened slightly and he glanced up at me through teary eyes, waiting for me to tell him more. I sighed softly, feeling myself soften slightly as my mind was clouded by memories of the past. “Being created in the Darkside and growing up here, it was rough. Living in this dark, depressing place your whole life without even the slightest idea about what the outside world was like, being told again and again by everyone around you that none of us were wanted and needed and that everyone hated us for what we did… it really affected Anxiety’s views of himself, especially when he was younger. He used to hate every single thing about himself. His appearance, his purpose, his life, everything. He felt weak and useless because all he was able to do was something that hurt Thomas, or at least, that’s what sides like Morality wanted him to believe. He was told repeatedly that he was just a disorder, that he wasn’t even a side and he shouldn’t even exist in the first place. It took a long time for me to break through his shell and help him see just how important and loved he really was, and even longer still for him to start loving himself in return. Nowadays, he’s gotten much better at acknowledging his strengths as well as his flaws and loving everything about himself, including his imperfections. He still struggles quite a bit, and sometimes I fear that I might lose him to that dark place again, but at least he’s getting better. He’s learning, growing, changing, and that’s what’s important. He will continue to stumble and fall as he tries to find his footing and discover his true identity, but he will always have people around him who will help him get back up and support him on this journey, and so do you. I don’t pretend to have all the answers, Remus. I’m not perfect. But I promise that I will always be there for you as long as you let me. I promise that I will always be there to help you and Anxiety through all of your darkest moments. You just have to let me in so I can truly make a difference.”

We were silent for a moment, Remus cuddled against me with his eyes closed while I held him tight, pressing a kiss to his head every now and then and listening to his soft, even breathing.  _ God, I love this boy so much, _ I thought absently as I played with his hair, gathering a few locks together and making tiny braids as I felt the reassuring pulse of his heartbeat matching the lulling rhythm of my own.  _ Remus is my son, and I don’t care who says otherwise. Anyone who tries to take him away from me will have to kill me first. I won’t let anyone hurt him ever again, not as long as I have breath left in my body. I love him and I’m not going to let him go without a fight. _

“Pops?” he murmured, his eyes flickering open ever so slightly.

“Yes?”

“How do you love yourself?”

I felt my heart seize at his words. “What do you mean, Remus?”

“I know you said that you and Anx love me for who I am and all, but how do  _ I _ love myself for who I am? I try to, I really do, but I don’t know how.”

“I… don’t suppose you could explain how you feel about yourself? It might help me explain if I know the root of your problem.”

He yawned wearily but sat up straighter, tangling his fingers into knots as he spoke. “I’ve always struggled with my self image, ever since I was created, I guess. I just always felt like I was an afterthought, like Roman was perfect and necessary and I was just an accident, a by-product of the split that was never meant to exist. Even now, I still wonder why I’m even here, why I’m needed. Roman’s the one that Thomas uses all the time. He’s the one that is needed. I’m just kinda… there. And I know that I have a purpose, everyone does, or else we wouldn’t exist, but I just don’t know if I’m worth it. If I’m worth all the time and energy it takes to put up with me. I still don’t know why you and Anx continue to put up with me and love me. I’m not all that special or important. You’d get along just fine without me, and sometimes I even start to doubt whether you even love me in the first place. And I know I shouldn’t, but… I just… do.”

I took Remus by the hand and gave it a gentle, reassuring squeeze, and he glanced up at me, meeting me eye. “Remus, you are an incredibly important part of Thomas. You are his Imagination, his source of abstract thought. Without you, all his stories would be fluff, lacking emotion and depth. You make sure that he keeps a touch of reality with him as he daydreams and make sure that he continues to push the boundaries and test his limits as far as his imagination is concerned. The fact that you were created due to the split of one of Thomas’s sides does not make you any less a side than the rest of us. Many of us were a result of sides splitting overtime and reforming into someone entirely new. Patton himself is a result of several sides combining to form one entity. Would you say that he’s any less a part of Thomas than any other side?”

He shook his head. “No, I guess not.”

“I know it’s hard to love yourself for who you are, but it’s going to be okay. You don’t have to have all the answers right away. Learning to love yourself is a process that takes time and effort. It doesn’t just happen overnight. Just give it some time and I’m sure that you’ll get there someday. And we’ll be by your side the whole time. I know that you don’t feel like you’re worthy of love and that you’re questioning your purpose, but I can assure you that Anxiety and I love you with all our hearts. I need you to trust that we know how to recognize someone worthy of loving. And I want you to remember that you’re here. You’re a part of Thomas, and that means something. That means that you are needed and important, and that as long as you keep doing what he needs you to do, you will always be a part of him. Okay?”

Remus nodded and shifted slightly, getting to his feet. “Thanks Pops. I’m… I’m gonna head to bed. I’m feeling a little worn out.”

I forced a smile, nodding a little too quickly, my movements jerky and mechanical, but he didn’t seem to notice. “Of course. Good night, Remus. I love you.”

“I love you too, Pops.”

I watched him disappear down the hall and tried to ignore the ache in my chest as I gazed at his small, retreating form. I tried to ignore how my heart sank and I felt tears burning at the corners of my eyes as I realized that he never once looked at me or met my eye during the latter half of our interaction, and how doubtful and defeated he had sounded when I had told him I loved him.  _ It’s okay. It’s fine. Everything’s okay. Everything’s fine. _

I shakily, mechanically got to my feet, slowly putting one foot in front of the other as I walked to my room. Once the door was closed, I leaned against the door and rubbed my face with my hands, feeling a sigh tear its way out of my throat. I suddenly felt completely and totally drained, as if I had just had all my emotions forcibly removed and all that was left was a hollowed out shell of a person. I was too tired to change into pajamas, and to be honest, I didn’t really care enough to attempt it. Instead, I took off my shoes and shirt, deciding to sleep in my black jeans and socks. It didn’t bother me that my pants would get wrinkled or that it would be uncomfortable. I didn’t care about much of anything, now that I thought about it. Unbuttoning my shirt and letting it fall to the floor next to my shoes, I flopped back on my bed and ran my hands through my hair, feeling tears gathering in my eyes, threatening to break through the invisible barriers and spill down my cheeks, but for some reason they never did.

In spite of how tired I was, I ended up laying in bed, wide awake, staring up at the ceiling as a million questions swirled around in my head.  _ I don’t know what I’m doing anymore. I did my best to reassure Remus and help him, but my best wasn’t good enough. I didn’t know what to say or do to make him feel better. I might have made things worse instead. God, I’m such an idiot! What made me think that  _ I  _ was the right person to help him with self love? I’m the  _ last _ person anyone should go to for advice on developing a better self image. I fucking hate myself! God, what am I going to do now? I can’t just leave him to deal with this all on his own. He needs help. He and Anxiety both. But I can’t help them. I don’t know what I’m doing, and I’m more liable to make it worse instead of helping them feel better and learn to love themselves. Goddamnit. If only I wasn’t so useless! Why can’t I do one goddamn thing right in my lowly, miserable life?! Is that too much to ask? Is it that hard to not be a screwed up, useless, pathetic bitch? Am I… am I really that broken that I can’t help the people that I care about most? _ But the dark, empty void of my room offered no answers, just a foreboding, judgemental silence that spoke volumes more than any words ever could.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! I hope you enjoyed reading this chapter as much as I enjoyed writing it. Wrath is such an interesting character to write about because his emotions are so volatile and they're always shifting and changing, but maybe, just maybe, Deceit can push through his rough, dark exterior and help him become a part of their messy, broken family. Or maybe not. Only time will tell. What did you think of his character? Are you excited to see more of him in the future? Let me know your thoughts about the chapter below if you'd like. I love to be able to talk to you all about theories or ideas that you think may happen in the future. Stay safe and enjoy! New chapters coming out eventually!
> 
> ~Your Fellow Fander


	16. Anxiety

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so as I was writing this, I realized that it's been forever since we've had a chapter in Anxiety's perspective, and I was so surprised. So I would like to formally apologize to everyone's favorite angsty boi. Anx, I'm so sorry it's been so long! But I do really like how this story is turning out so far, and I hope you're enjoying it so far too. 
> 
> I'm sorry this chapter took so long to write. I was really lacking the motivation and inspiration to write it, but hey, I got it done! I also finished writing it at 1AM, but who cares about that, right? At least it's finished and you all can read it now. So thank you for the patience, and enjoy!

“Why are we doing this again?” Remus asked, his voice echoing in the dimly lit corridor as we took another right turn and stepped through a hidden doorway, our footsteps the only other sound that wasn’t swallowed by the thick fog that hung in the air and coated our skin in chilly dew.

“I dunno. Pops just said that Uncle Jeal was gonna teach us a lesson,” I replied. His footsteps faltered as fear flashed in his eyes and I silently cursed myself for not using better phrasing. “Life lessons, Ree,” I clarified. “He’s going to teach us life skills and shit. Nothing bad, I promise.”

He nodded. “Why does he want us to learn them, though? And if it’s so important that we learn them, why doesn’t Pops teach us himself? He’s a good teacher. I’m sure he could explain it just as well as Uncle Jealousy.”

I shrugged. “Dee’s really stressed out right now. He’s got a lot of work to do, and it’s probably a bit much to add teaching us shit onto his already lengthy to-do list. Plus, it’s probably also an excuse for us to spend more time with Uncle Jeal. He’s gonna fade eventually, and it’s best that we hang out with him while we can.”

“That makes sense,” Remus replied. “Alright, so we hang out with Uncle Jeal, learn some life skills or something like that, and then be on our way?”

“Sounds like it.”

“Okay.”

We continued to Jealousy’s room in relative silence, with Remus humming some random snippets of music every now and then as it crossed his mind. I couldn’t help but grin at the way he bobbed his head along to a song only he could hear, skipping along beside me with a content half grin on his face.

If not for Remus’s presence, I probably would have been an anxious wreck right about now. It was really strange of Dee to just send us somewhere without at least a simple explanation as to why. He just told me where to go and when to go there and then left without giving me a chance to gather my thoughts enough for a response. And now that I thought about it, he seemed really off as he said it, almost dazed, and he wouldn’t meet my eye. I was inclined to be worried about him, but I knew I was probably just being paranoid again. _He’s probably just a little overwhelmed is all. He’s got a lot going on, with work, feeding and taking care of us, protecting us from the lights, and whatever else he has going on. He’s bound to be a little out of it. I really need to relax, God._

When we reached Jealousy’s, he was sitting up in bed waiting for us, a fiendish smile on his face. Remus immediately hopped up on the bed and greeted him with a hug, chattering away a mile a minute while I stood back and watched. Jealousy was incredibly patient, listening to whatever thoughts Remus felt necessary to share, but every now and then he would glance over the young boy’s shoulder and share an exasperated look with me, to which I would reply with a smirk of amusement and a helpless shrug. After a little bit, Remus finally calmed down and Jealousy was able to get a word in.

“How are you doing, Anx?” he asked.

I shrugged. “Not completely shitty. How about you?”

“I’m alive, aren’t I? Can’t expect much more than that.”

“True.”

“Anyway, how about you boys pull up a chair. School is officially in session.”

As if to illustrate his point, Jealousy balanced reading glasses on the tip of his nose, glancing down at us as Remus and I dragged two chairs next to the bed and sat down. While Remus squirmed around, trying to get comfortable, I let my eyes skim over my uncle, noting how pale his skin was, how his clothes were becoming so faded that they looked almost grey, the lightness of the orange in his eyes. It made my stomach twist, knowing that he wasn’t far from fading away. Dee had estimated a few months when we had last visited together, but something told me that he probably had a month left, maybe less. There was something about the look in his eyes that told me he wouldn’t be around for much longer.

“Alright, so do you boys know what you’re doing here today?” Uncle Jeal began, his hands folded neatly in his lap as he glanced at us.

“We’re being taught a lesson!” Remus exclaimed.

“That’s right, and do you know what that lesson is about?”

“Nope. Just know it’s some shit Dee thinks we don’t already know that’s apparently too important to wait until a reasonable hour,” I replied.

Jeal raised an eyebrow. “Anxiety, it’s ten o’clock in the morning.”

“Which is far too early for my taste, thank you very much.”

He laughed. “Alright, fair enough. Well, you’re here today to learn about how to develop a better self esteem so that you can inhibit a healthy amount of love for yourselves, as Dee has noticed that you both were struggling to do so.”

I made a face of disgust, about to protest, but then I noticed that Remus went surprisingly still. I glanced over and saw that his face wore a slightly ashamed expression, and I swallowed my complaints. _As much as I hate to admit it, Dee’s right. I know that I’ve been struggling to love myself like I should, and if Remus is struggling too, it’s probably best we listen to whatever Uncle Jeal has to say. He probably knows a lot more about this stuff than we do, and maybe talking to him will help. I just wonder why Dee decided we needed to learn this_ now _, and why he didn’t teach us himself. This is serious stuff, and I would think that he would want to be a part of the learning process with us. It’s… strange to say the least, but I’m sure there’s a reasonable explanation. I’d just like to know what that explanation is._

“Learning to love yourself is easier for some than it is for others, and it’s not something that just happens overnight. It takes time, effort, and a sturdy support system that is in place to hold you accountable. Luckily for you, you have all three readily available right here. Every week, you’re going to come here and we’ll talk about how you’ve been doing, what progress you’ve made so far, what you need help with further, and then I’ll go over the next phase of the lesson. Does that sound okay to you?”

“Yeah.”

“Sure, I guess.”

“Good. For today, we’re going to discuss simple things you can do every day that might help improve your self-image. One of the biggest harms to your mental health are bad thoughts that enter your mind. Thoughts that are fueled by insecurity and negativity that have no basis or logic behind them. These thoughts could be that you are too broken or too useless to love, or that everyone hates you and all you do is hurt those around you. 

“These thoughts are incorrect, but they feed off of some of your deepest fears or insecurities, making them seem more powerful than they actually are. A good way to counter those thoughts is by taking some time to overwhelm those negatives with some positives. If one of your thoughts tells you that you only hurt people by being around them, think of a time when your presence helped those around you. If you keep thinking that no one loves you, picture someone in your life who does indeed love you and who would miss you if you weren’t around. 

“While this works to counter bad thoughts when they show up uninvited, it may also be beneficial to use this technique to start the day. If you wake up every morning and think of three good things about yourself, you might find that you feel a bit better about whatever the day might hold, and in turn, have a better outlook on life. This week I want you both to write down one good thing about yourself every day. Does that sound good with you two?”

“I can do that!” Remus said cheerfully.

“Sounds doable. But what’s the catch?”

“You can’t repeat any of your answers for this week. You have to come up with a new answer every day. And next week, we’ll increase the number of things you have to list about yourself by one, so you’ll have to name two things every day without repeating.”

“I mean, that doesn’t sound too bad. I’ll give it a try,” I shrugged.

“It’ll be fun!”

“I’m glad. I think this’ll really help you. In the very least, it’s a start, and we’ll work our way up to more positive attributes each week while adding new methods you can use until you begin to feel a bit more confident in yourself. Sound like a plan?”

“Yep.”

Remus nodded.

“Good. Now, what sort of chaos have you boys been up to lately?”

After we spent a little more time with Uncle Jeal, Remus and I decided to head back to the commons for lunch before finding something to keep us busy. I could tell he was getting kind of bored and needed something to entertain himself with, so I was wracking my brain for some sort of activity or game we could play, but I kept coming up empty. Everything I came up with was something we’d already done before, or something we’d done recently, and no matter how hard I tried to come up with anything that might keep Remus entertained, nothing came. _C’mon, function you useless piece of shit. You’re my brain. You’re supposed to be useful, you lump of fuck._

Still nothing. _Damn it._ I sighed. _Maybe Dee will have an idea. He’s usually pretty good at coming up with things to do._ Glancing over at Remus skipping along next to me, I couldn’t help but grin. _Or maybe Remus has some dastardly plan up his sleeves for the next few hours. I wouldn’t be surprised, knowing him. He practically breathes evil schemes._

Stepping into the commons, we found Deceit in the kitchen making sandwiches, his back to us and his head bent over the food with a level of attention that seemed to be a bit exaggerated. I mean, he was making lunch. It wasn’t exactly rocket science. _His shoulders seem tense,_ I noted with a frown. _Something’s up._

“Hey Dee,” I greeted, and he jumped slightly before glancing at us over his shoulder for a brief moment.

He turned back to the food, finishing up the last of the grilled cheese before placing it on the plate nearby. “Hello boys. How was your day with Jealousy?”

“It was really good, Pops!” Remus replied. “He’s a really good teacher.”

“Good.” He turned back around, carrying two plates to the dining room, while we trailed behind him. Deceit glanced up at us fully for the first time today and I noticed that he looked exhausted. Dark circles lined his eyes and he looked a little pale, like he was sick or something. _Goddamnit Pops, tell me what’s going on._ “Well, lunch is ready. Logic is coming over soon, so please be on your best behavior while I’m gone.”

“Where are you going?” I asked, my stomach souring with worry.

“Just need to take care of some work. I’ll be back in a little bit. It shouldn’t take me too long, but it is very important. Please, keep an eye on your brother for me, Anxiety. Make sure he doesn’t burn the house down while I’m gone.”

After a moment of trying to picture that exact thing happening, I nodded. “Just don’t work too hard, Dee. You need to rest, too.”

He smiled lightly. “Understood. See you boys in a little bit.”

As Remus and I sat at the dining room table, he began to devour his peanut butter and pickle sandwich with a fervor, but I found myself distracted as I watched Deceit leave the room. _He’s not heading towards the Subconscious,_ I realized with a pause. _So where is he going? What work is he doing if he’s not going to the Subconscious?_ I wracked my brain for an answer, but I kept coming up empty. It was just so… strange. Dee wasn’t the type to just go wandering around in the Darkside, so I knew something was up, I just didn’t know what. _Guess I’ll have to confront him about it later. It’s clear I’m not going to be able to figure it out on my own._

After Remus and I had both finished eating, we headed to the grey corridor to wait for Logic. My brother seemed really excited that he was going to be visiting, but I wasn’t so sure about this. Sure, Logic seemed like a pretty decent guy, but he was still a lightside, and I haven’t exactly had the most pleasant of experiences with them. Then again, I hadn’t really gotten to talk to Logic a lot the last time he was here, either, so I supposed I would just have to see what happened. Either way, if Remus trusted him, I would give him a chance. But if he hurt Remus in any way, there was going to be a massacre, and he wasn’t going to be the only victim. I would wipe out every lightside in existence if that’s what it took to keep my brother safe.

“So, how do you know Logic anyway?” I asked Remus as we stood waiting by the corridor, him bouncing on the balls of his feet in anticipation while I leaned against the wall, my hood up over my head, covering my eyes.

“He was my father figure when I was in the Lightside,” he replied.

I blinked. “I thought that was Morality.”

He shrugged. “Maybe to some, but Pat- Morality was never much of a father to me, you know? Logan was always there. He might not have been the fluffiest of sides to act as my father figure, but he loved me and took care of me when no one else did. He accepted me as I was and never tried to change me into someone I wasn’t.”

“That’s good…” I said slowly, “But what about when Morality abused you? Did Logic ever do anything to stop him?”

Remus opened his mouth to answer, but another voice did for him.

“No, I didn’t, and it is one of the biggest regrets of my life.”

We both whirled around to see Logic standing at the entrance of the Darkside, watching us with a weary expression on his face. He was immaculately dressed as always, his black shirt, jeans, and indigo tie all in their proper place. As he walked over to us, I could see the pain in his eyes and the regret in his frown, and I felt my cold facade melting slightly at the sight. _He really does care._

“But Papa, you didn’t know about it! You didn’t realize how he was treating me! It’s not your fault!” Remus protested.

He smiled sadly. “That is true, but I should have known. If I had, perhaps I could have spared you much of the unnecessary pain that you endured all those years. Perhaps you would not have had to leave, or in the very least, you would not have had to leave the way you did.”

Remus tackled him in a hug, and after a moment, Logic returned it. “I don’t blame you for what happened, and you shouldn’t blame yourself either,” Remus whispered.

“I… thank you, Remus.”

“Alright, if we’re done with all this mushy sentimental shit, what do you guys want to do?” I interrupted.

The two broke apart, but Remus still insisted on holding Logic’s hand as we walked towards the commons, discussing our options as we did so. As we strode down the hall, the fog ebbing and flowing here and there, I glanced in amusement at the two sides walking next to me, noting how different the two were. It was almost impossible to imagine how Logic and Remus had gotten so close, with how stuffy and uptight Logic was as compared to Remus’s wild and curious nature. Although now that I thought about it, I supposed most would consider my bond with my brother to be odd at first glance as well, as his reckless spirit completely contradicted my careful approach to life. Perhaps their familial relationship wasn’t so strange after all.

“We could go hunting in the Imagination,” Remus suggested as we took a left turn.

“Absolutely not,” Logic replied, shooting the boy a warning look as we went down a flight of stairs that led right into another flight of stairs rising back up, a completely unnecessary obstacle like many the Darkside had in store. “The last time we went hunting, we all nearly got decapitated by a host of shambling amalgamates. I will _not_ be doing that again.”

He pouted for a moment before his eyes lit up again. “What about fishing? We haven’t tried that before.”

“Remus, we are not going in the Imagination,” I shot that idea down as well. “It is incredibly dangerous and I’m not really feeling up for it right now anyway.”

We entered the living room, emerging from the foggy shadows to the comforting warmth of the den. The TV was playing softly in the background and the smell of lunch still hovered in the air, reminding me of rainy days when Dee and I would gather in the kitchen, eating grilled cheese and tomato soup and watching movies until the early morning hours. _God, I miss those days, even though they weren’t that long ago. We were so much happier then._ He _was so much happier then. What happened? Why did everything have to change?_

“Agreed. We can travel to the Imagination some other time when everyone is emotionally, mentally, and physically prepared. To go on such short notice would be incredibly foolish and reckless.”

“Fiiiiiiine,” Remus groaned, flopping onto the couch dramatically with his arm flung over his eyes. “I suppose I’ll just have to _waste away_ from boredom, then.”

I rolled my eyes. “Drama queen.” My eyes absently traveled over to the tangle of remote controllers sitting on the floor. “We could play video games.”

Remus shot up at that, his eyes beaming with excitement. “Video games?! That’s perfect!”

Logic frowned as Remus knelt down and turned on the console before skimming through our collection of games. “Are video games truly the best option? There is very little intellectual stimulation involved in that form of entertainment, and there have been several studies that have suggested a cause of violence in the impressionable youth, as well as mental health issues, is linked to video games.”

My eyes narrowed. “Are you referring to the 1999 Columbine High School massacre in which 15 people died and many people suspected that the students responsible were influenced by violent video games?”

“Indeed.”

“I don’t see how a single instance of a school shooting inspired by video games could support the idea that video games are the leading cause for violent tendencies in our nation’s youth. That excuse seems almost as flimsy as parents banning _Harry Potter_ because it has ‘witchcraft’ in it.”

“Perhaps, but the Columbine massacre was only one instance of many that had parents and teachers alike questioning whether video games were the cause for violent tendencies in students. It also is worth noting that the massacre was an attempted bombing and shooting, and that there have been accusations against video games for years.”

“Accusations that piggyback off of nothing, as academic studies that have yet to identify solid evidence linking video game violence to violent tendencies in young people. Most ‘studies’ conducted on the subject are just facebook moms trying to rid the world of ‘evil influences’ and ‘dangerous activities’ for the nations’ children, a completely useless and senseless act that is as effective as the arguments against video games in the first place.”

“Touché,” Logic replied, his lips quirking up in what could almost be considered a smile. “I am quite impressed. I did not expect you to have so much knowledge on the subject matter discussed.”

I shrugged. “It’s amazing what you’ll do to try to fall asleep at two in the morning. I’ve read my fair share of online articles and research papers on a variety of subjects just to try and tire myself out enough to sleep. It’s surprisingly effective.”

“What have you read about the possible link between mental health issues and social media?”

I chuckled at that. “Oh, too much. There are so many articles on the topic that I don’t even know where to begin.”

“What are your thoughts on the possible link between social media and-”

“Are you guys going to play or what?” Remus asked from where he was seated on the floor, glaring up at us with his remote in hand.

Logic and I exchanged a look before laughing slightly.

“Sorry squirt,” I offered with a sheepish grin. “I got distracted.”

“My apologies, Remus. Of course we will play.”

We both knelt down on either side of Remus and grabbed a remote of our own, joining in on what appeared to be Mario Kart. As the overly upbeat, slightly annoying music began to play and we all began to customize our cars and pick our characters, I felt a little disappointed that my conversation with Logic had been cut short so early. Even though we didn’t talk for long, our little debate had been fun, and I had been quite looking forward to discussing more with him. As the race began, however, I found myself quickly forgetting about my disappointment. I found that Logic was about my skill level as far as Mario Kart goes, decent but not anywhere near impressive, unlike the boy in between us. Remus won eleven races in a row without even breaking a sweat and then proceeded to take a victory lap around the couch, whooping in excitement as he waved his arms above his head. Logic and I exchanged a glance as we watched him in amusement.

“I believe this is the definition of good sportsmanship, wouldn’t you say?” I smirked, watching as Remus began to dance on the sofa.

“I take it that was a sarcastic remark, as he is anything but,” he replied.

“You take things too seriously.”

We watched Remus for another moment before glancing back at each other.

“This conversation isn’t over, Logic,” I warned him, a slight grin on my face in spite of how serious I was trying to seem. “I fully intend on finishing our debate.”

“I look forward to proving you wrong once and for all,” he returned, but he was also smiling. “And my name is Logan. You can use it… if you would like to, that is.”

“Thanks… Logan.”

Remus returned and we went a few more rounds before Logic- I mean -Logan glanced at his watch with a slight frown on his face.

“I am afraid I must be on my way. It is getting rather late.”

“Please stay!” Remus begged, using the sweetest puppy dog eyes you could imagine to try and sway him. “You could eat dinner with us. I know Pops wouldn’t mind. Please?”

“My apologies, Remus, but I am afraid that I must decline for tonight. If Patton were to realize that I am gone, he might become suspicious, and that would make it incredibly difficult to visit you in the future. If he were to ever realize where I truly go during the day, he would prevent me from returning again. I cannot stay this time. However, I promise that I will return once again very soon.”

“Alright,” he replied, and I could see the disappointment in his eyes.

The two of us walked Logan to the grey corridor, Remus hugged him goodbye, and then we began our long walk back to the commons. I couldn’t help but feel worried as I watched Remus, who looked incredibly sad to see the logical side leave. I knew that they were close and that he probably missed him horribly, and it hurt knowing that my brother was upset and I couldn’t make it better. _If only Morality wasn’t such a prejudiced asshole who hated our guts. Maybe then Logan would be able to visit anytime he wanted and Remus would be happy and things would be okay. Maybe he’d even get to see his brother. I wonder if he misses him. What was his name again…? Roman? Yeah, I think that’s right. I wonder if Roman misses him back. They seemed to be close, but Remus hasn’t really talked about him since he got here. I wonder what happened between them before he left. Whatever it was, it must not have been good._

 _God, what do I do? How can I make him feel better? I hate to see Remus so sad. It’s like watching someone kick a puppy._ I glanced over at the boy only to find that he had begun to lag behind, his feet dragging slightly as we walked down the corridor. He was quiet, so very quiet. It felt so wrong. _Alright, I gotta think of something. What could cheer him up?_

“Hey, Remus?”

He glanced up at me, weakly mustering a grin that seemed to crumble before my eyes. “Yeah?”

“After dinner, would you be willing to teach me how to fight? After the demonstration you showed us, I’ve been wanting to give it a try.”

Remus’s eyes lit up, just slightly, but the smile on his face was genuine this time. “Of course. I’d love to teach you.”

“Thank you.”

He reached out a hand and I laced our fingers together as we walked the rest of the way to the commons. As we approached the kitchen, I could smell chicken cooking, the savor scent filling my nose and making my mouth water. _Dee has always been an amazing cook. God, he’s the best._ Tugging Remus forward, watching as he laughed and stumbled after me, we both rushed into the dining room. By the time we reached our destination, we were both out of breath and laughing slightly at how silly it was to be so excited for a meal, but when it was a meal made by our father, there was reason for excitement.

Deceit walked in a few moments later, balancing a tray of perfectly cooked chicken, a huge bowl of mashed potatoes with a saucer of gravy next to it, and another large bowl of mac and cheese, somehow managing to set all of them with care at the center of the table without dropping anything. Remus rushed into the kitchen to grab the silverware and set the table, and I joined him, grabbing three cups and filling them with drinks, pickle juice for Remus and coffee for me and Dee. When I walked back into the dining room, handing Dee his drink before placing mine and Ree’s at our plates, they were both waiting for me. We all sat in a little triangle at one end of the table, the food wafting its delicious scent like it was trying to tease us as we said grace. As soon as we finished, Dee stood to help us dish up our food, swaying on his feet slightly.

“Sit down, Pops,” I said with a frown.

“What?” he blinked at me, his eyes looking a little hazy and bloodshot.

“Sit. I’ll take care of distributing the food tonight.”

“O-okay.”

Remus and I exchanged a concerned glance as Dee sat back down, letting out a soft sigh as if he had been in pain. Clenching my jaw slightly, I tried to fight my instincts, which were to grab Dee by the collar and angrily demand what was wrong until I got an answer. I knew that he wouldn’t answer me even if I tried, and I didn’t really feel like getting sent to my room tonight. I couldn’t keep an eye on him if I was grounded for a month. After I dished everyone up a helping of the food, making sure to give Dee a little extra, as I had also noticed he hadn’t been eating much lately, I sat back down and we ate in silence.

Dee didn’t seem to notice how quiet things were, nor did he seem bothered by the growing tension in the room the longer we all sat there. He didn’t really glance up much from his food, not because he was angry or upset, but because it took a lot of effort and energy to glance up and that was energy that he didn’t have to spare. He looked absolutely exhausted, and I couldn’t help but worry about how much sleep he had gotten the night before, or in reality, how little.

Remus and I kept glancing between each other, asking silent, worried questions with our eyes. He seemed just as confused as I was about Dee’s recent behavior, looking to me for answers that I didn’t have. I was just as clueless, stumbling around in the dark at this new sense of growing concern. Of course I had been worried about Dee before, but that was more of a concern about his mental health. This issue seemed to be more physical, and it was incredibly concerning. Something just wasn’t right, but I had no idea what. Logically, everything should be fine. We were all safe, happy, and healthy, or at least, I had thought we were. There had been no sign of Morality stirring up trouble, the other darksides had been quiet as per usual, everything was fine. I tried to reason that Pops was just stressed and tired, but that explanation didn’t sit right. A pit of worry settled deep in my stomach as I stared at my sickly father figure and I couldn’t help but think that there was something more to it than just stress.

“So,” Dee started, his voice soft but still managing to cut through the suffocating silence. “Do you boys have any plans for after dinner?”

“I’m gonna teach Anx how to fight,” Remus offered.

“That sounds… like a great idea.”

I blinked. “Really? I thought you’d be against something like this.”

“Learning self defense is incredibly important and a vital skill to have. As long as no one gets any serious injuries, I see no reason as to disapprove of the idea. I assume you’ll be in the Imagination?”

Remus nodded. “Yeah. It’s a lot easier to just train in my weapon room than create a whole new room here. Plus, then we won’t disturb you while we practice.”

He laughed slightly at that. “I’m obviously coming along, Remus. There’s no way I’d allow you to train alone. There has to be some sort of adult supervision.”

I felt my stomach twist. “No.”

Dee turned to me, a confused look on his face. “What?”

“You need to rest, Dee. You look awful. We can put off training for another day if you really want to be there, but you need a good night’s sleep. Your health should come first above all else.”

He paused, something flickering across his face that I couldn’t recognize. He didn’t look necessarily surprised by my words, but rather at a loss for words himself. I could practically see the wheels turning in his head as he formulated his response, and both Remus and I watched him attentively, knowing his words would determine the fate of our evening, as well as the fate of his own. “I… suppose you’re right. I am in no condition to watch over you while you train. It would be rather pointless for me to join you. I won’t keep you from your fun. You may train tonight while I rest. Just… please be careful. I would hate to learn that one of you got hurt because I wasn’t there to keep you safe and out of trouble.”

“Of course,” I replied, fixing my father with a reassuring look.

“Don’t worry, Pops. I won’t rough him up too bad,” Remus assured him with a little chuckle, shooting me a smirk.

Dee smiled softly, although the warmth didn’t quite reach his eyes. “Well then, I suppose I must get going. Have fun, boys.”

He stood and left the room rather quickly, and without a second thought, I darted after him.

“Dee, wait!” I called, catching up with him halfway down the chilly, fog-filled hallway that led to his room.

He paused and turned to face me, his eye glowing gold in the dark. I slowed my approach, taking a deep breath to strengthen my resolve. Dee watched me with a wary expression on his dimly lit face, preparing for anything that might leave my mouth. There were a million things I wanted to say, questions about how pale and thin he was, about how much sleep he had gotten last night, about when he had last truly smiled and laughed with us, but only one thought managed to make its way past my lips, and this one was perhaps the most interesting, although certainly not the most important, question to ask.

“Where have you been going lately? You claimed that you were working this afternoon, but you weren’t heading to the Subconscious, were you? Where do you keep disappearing to?”

Dee blinked at me, clearly not expecting that question, and to be honest, I wasn’t sure why I had asked it in the first place. There were clearly more pressing issues to be addressed, but it had been on my mind for so long that I couldn’t think of anything else. He seemed relieved as he replied, “I’ve… I’ve been visiting Wrath.”

“What?!” I stared at him, mouth agape, watching as he took a step back from me, caught off guard by my outburst. “Why the hell have you been visiting _him?_ That selfish bastard has never given a rat’s ass about any of us, and he’s always treated you like dirt. Why on earth would you want to waste even a second of your time spending it with _him_ , when all he’s _ever_ done is hurt you? Blaming you for the split and for people fading, as if you had anything to do with any of that. If I could get my hands on that insufferable little fucker-”

He held up a hand, fixing me with a look that told me to shut the hell up, and so I did, my mouth closing with a loud _click_. “He’s not the only one who is in the wrong here. We’ve both made our fair share of mistakes and we both need to learn from them. I’m trying to make amends with him. I’ve even…” He swallowed hard, as if he could sense my disapproval and knew that whatever he was going to say next would only make things worse. “I’ve even invited him to join our family.”

I opened my mouth, but no words came out. I just stared at Deceit as if he had grown a second head, and he might as well have. _Letting Wrath into the family? Is he fucking insane? Wrath is chaos personified, a bipolar, dangerous psychopath who could turn on you just as soon as shake your hand. Not only that, but he’s been awful to Pops since the very beginning, and now he wants to invite that bastard into our family? Act as if none of that ever happened? Why? Why would he be so willing to forgive and forget all the bad blood that exists between them? And what makes him think that Wrath would consider his offer for even a second? Wrath_ hates _him. Always has, always will. What makes him think that any of that could change, and what makes him think that Wrath belongs in our family to begin with?_

The only thing that came out of my mouth was what worried me the most. “How can you trust him? He’s violent, aggressive, and dangerous. He doesn’t care about anyone but himself. He would kill us just as soon as look at us. Why should we trust him? _How_ can we trust him? Aren’t you afraid that he might hurt you, or one of us? He’s so unpredictable. He could do anything at any time. Do you really think this is a good idea?”

“I… I don’t know yet. You’re right, Wrath is incredibly unpredictable, and it is hard to say what he might do or say. I’m not even sure he thinks I was serious about my offer. But I’ve seen him and talked to him, Anx. He’s alone, and he’s scared, and he’s in pain. He needs a family, and not the sort of the family that the others have in mind. A _real_ family. No matter what happened between us in the past, he’s still my son. He’s still a part of this family and I could never turn him away if he needed me. If he needed any of us. I don’t care about the past. That’s all over and done. He’s still a darkside. He’s still one of us, and I love him. I hope and pray that he’ll decide to come back and rejoin this family, but even if he chooses not to, it doesn’t matter. He’s still my son, Anxiety. I can’t stand to lose anyone else. I’m sorry, but I just… I _can’t_.”

I watched helplessly as Dee’s voice broke. It hurt so bad to see him like this, so lost and confused and scared. He was so afraid, afraid of losing us. And I couldn’t blame him, I was scared as hell too. We could begin to fade at any moment if we weren’t careful, and that was fucking terrifying. And what’s worse is that Dee feels responsible for us, for all of us. He’s the eldest, our guardian. If any of us got hurt or faded, he felt that the blame fell to him. I could see the guilt in his eyes, feel the pain in his voice as he spoke, and I knew that he was right. Even if I didn’t particularly like or trust Wrath, he was still a part of this family. He was still my brother. And if he ever needed me, I knew that I would be by his side in a heartbeat to make sure he was okay. Even though I hated him for how he treated Dee, I still loved him.

“I know, Pops, I know.”

I pulled Dee into a hug, holding him tight as if I could use my body as a shield against any of the guilt or pain that he felt, even though I knew it was useless to try. I so desperately wished to take this burden away from him, but I didn’t know how, and I knew he wouldn’t let me. He would shoulder the blame, just like he always did, because that was what he did. He made everything better, even if it hurt him in the process, and nothing I could say or do would change that. So I just held him close as he trembled, reminding him to breathe and helping him let his guard down for just a moment. For once, I was there to comfort my father when he needed me the most, instead of the other way around.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! I hope you all are doing well. Please take care during these trying times, as I know things are rough and it can be hard to hold onto hope. Everything is going to be okay and it'll all be over before you know it. Soon things will be back to normal and we can live our lives just like we used to. So keep your chin up and hang in there! I'm here if you ever need someone to talk to. Feel free to reach out to me at any time. And I hope this story helps in some way, whether it serves as a distraction or you find some inspiration from something I've written and use it to motivate yourself to keep going. I know this story has pretty much been a ball of angst from start to finish, but I hope some of this chapter's fluff rubs off on you somehow. I'm sorry it took me so long to write this, but I hope you enjoy, and I'll see you all in the next chapter (whenever I actually get around to writing it). Thank you!
> 
> ~Your Fellow Fander


	17. Deceit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alright, I know this chapter was a long time coming, and I'm really sorry about that. I have a million excuses for taking so long to write and post this, but instead I'm just gonna apologize. I'm sorry. I didn't meant to take so long with getting my shit together, but I promise I'll do better next time. Hopefully this is enough to get through my lapse in motivation and creativity and the rest of the book will come along smoothly.
> 
> As for this chapter, get ready for more feels, more angst, and... huh, what is this? Is this a _ship_ I see?! Who could have predicted this? XD Anyway, I hope you all enjoy! Thanks for sticking with me. You all are the best! <3

“Deceit, are you alright?”

I bit the inside of my cheek, chasing away the dark spots dancing in front of my eyes, and quickly pasted on a smile. “Of course, Logic. I’m just a little tired, is all.”

“Have you been having trouble sleeping lately?”

I squirmed slightly from my spot on the couch, my eyes falling from his and landing on my hands, which were resting idly in my lap. The television played quietly in the background, filling up the stifling silence, but I still felt like I was being suffocated. It was strange, surreal even, having Logic sitting next to me on the sofa in my living room. It was most certainly not how I had expected to spend my afternoon, but I wasn’t completely against it. Logic was certainly not the worst companion in the world. Still, I rather regretted the fact that I had sent Remus and Anxiety off to spend time in the Imagination instead of having them play video games or something else here. At least then I wouldn’t be struggling to come up with conversation on my own. They always seemed to know what to talk about, while I was relatively clueless in social situations. Logic seemed to be in a similar predicament, though, so I supposed it was not the end of the world.

“I suppose you could say that.”

“Studies have shown that turning off all technology an hour before bed helps people fall asleep faster. Medical professionals have also recommended methods such as doing yoga and breathing exercises before bed to assist with a better sleep schedule,” he supplied, his eyes never leaving me as he pushed his glasses up when they began to slip down the bridge of his nose.

I blinked at him. “You truly do live up to your name.”

He blushed slightly, glancing away and readjusting his tie shyly. “My apologies. I tend to go on tangents quite often, and I am aware that it can be quite annoying. I will try to avoid it happening again.”

“No!” I said quickly, and he looked up at me in surprise. “I just… I mean… I don’t mind.”

“Are… are you certain?”

“Of course I am. You act as if my primary function isn’t based on logic as well,” I snorted.

Logic’s face grew slightly pinker. “You are correct. I should have known that you would understand. My apologies-”

“Logic.”

He went silent.

“Stop apologizing so much. You have nothing to apologize for. I was just teasing you. You don’t have to worry about annoying me with your tangents. I actually quite enjoy hearing you talk about topics you are passionate about. It’s… refreshing. Anxiety and Remus, of course, can hold intelligent conversations, but it’s not quite the same as holding a conversation with someone of your age.”

I could feel my face heat up slightly and silently cursed Thomas for being so prone to blushing. He wore his heart on his sleeve, and while that was fine and all, I didn’t really appreciate him giving us the same trait. It was annoying and embarrassing.

Reaching up, I took off my hat and ran my fingers through my hair before setting it on the arm of the couch, deciding that there was no need for it when we were just sitting around talking. Glancing up, I caught Logic staring at him, and he blushed and looked away quickly. _What was that about?_ I wondered with a frown. _Is my hair a mess? Or perhaps I look strange without it. I suppose he hasn’t seen me without my hat before. Maybe he is simply surprised I took it off._

He cleared his throat, adjusting his tie again. It seemed to be a nervous habit. “I… see. Are there no other sides of your age range around?”

I flinched slightly, and I knew he saw. _Thomas, I swear, if I ever meet you in person, I will bitch slap you. Why do you have to be so damn expressive?!_ “I… if it’s all the same with you, I’d like to talk about something else for a while.”

“Of course.” Logic paused for a moment, as if gathering his thoughts, and I took that moment to glance down at my hands once more, frowning at how badly they were shaking. _Calm down. There’s nothing to be anxious about. You’re just talking with Logic. That’s it. Breathe._ “Would you mind sharing with me some of your passions and hobbies? I am curious as to what you typically enjoy doing.”

“Oh, really? You… want to know about that sort of thing?” I asked. For some reason I found it very surprising when he nodded in return.

“Indeed. A person’s hobbies tell you quite a bit about them as a person.”

“O-okay. Well, as I’m sure you’ve gathered right now, I am very passionate about law and criminal justice. I don’t know, it’s just… something about gathering information, making a hypothesis, and then either proving or disproving that hypothesis, all while centering around truth and justice for either the accused or the victim. It just… it’s so fascinating to learn about and explore, especially in cases that were particularly difficult to crack, or are considered to have come to the incorrect verdict,” I caught myself, blushing lightly. “I-I’m sorry, that was a lot. I didn’t mean to ramble on like that.”

“No need to apologize. I completely agree with you. Law and justice is a fascinating study, and I would love to talk about it with you in the future. What other studies are you interested in? I noticed that you have quite a few volumes and documentaries on psychology,” he remarked, gesturing vaguely in the general direction of the TV cabinet.

My face lit up. “Yes! Psychology is such a fascinating field, isn’t it? There’s so much to explore, from past medical practices in relation to mental health, to types of disorders and their origins. It feels like there is a never ending supply of information at our fingertips!”

“That is true. Psychology is truly a marvel to behold. I particularly enjoy researching how the mind works and our part to play in Thomas’s ability to function. For instance, are we truly alive? Does everyone have ‘sides’ that help them function, or are we unique to Thomas because he chose to personify us? Would he be able to function without us? Exactly how much do we come into play with his daily life?”

“Those are some really good questions! I’ve been studying the nature of our existence for a while now, and I’ve managed to figure out a few things.”

Logic looked intrigued, and for some reason, I found it especially dashing how a lock of hair fell over his temple as he moved a bit closer, his eyes alight with interest. “Would you mind sharing what you’ve learned?”

“Of course not. So, first of all, one of the things I wanted to explore was our physicality. From what I have observed, our physical bodies are not nearly as important as our minds and our spirits. Our bodies are similar to a hologram in a way. While our bodies are solid and they appear to be real, they are simply a projection of what Thomas believes we would look like. We have a physical appearance because Thomas chooses to personify us, but if we were not seen in this light, we would manifest as voices in people’s heads, their thoughts and feelings would be simply that, thoughts and feelings. That is why when our bodies are physically injured, it is not as serious as it would be for an ordinary person. In order for physical injuries to truly affect us, we have to either truly wish to hurt the other person, or truly wish to be hurt. Either way, if we want to heal quickly during the time we were injured, we will. If we do not wish to heal, we will not. It is more about the power of the mind than anything else.”

I could see Logic soaking in all of the information, practically hear the gears turning in his head. I was certain he was coming up with a million theories relating to our physical forms and how we exist. It was… strangely cute for some reason. His face just seemed to glow as I spoke, and it made a light blush come to my cheeks, knowing that he was focused on me and solely on me. It was… strange, but I liked it. No one had ever looked at me that way before.

“Fascinating. I have never thought of it that way, but it makes sense. I have noticed that the few physical injuries I have acquired have healed irrationally quickly, as compared to Thomas, who takes a much longer time to recover. However, Roman’s injuries can often take a while to heal.”

“That makes sense. As you embody logic, you know that any injuries you acquire are not real, while in Roman’s case, he believes that they are. If a person believes that they can be injured, they will be. It is another case of the power of the mind and what it is capable of.”

“What else do you know?” Logic asked, his voice soft with anticipation.

“When a side dies, several things can happen. It depends largely on how they die. If a side fades, they are never coming back. Their trait is deemed as irrelevant to the body’s needs, and therefore they disappear forever. Sometimes if a side fades but their purpose is still needed by Thomas, they will reform into figments.”

I glanced at Logic only to find him completely baffled. For a moment, I couldn’t help but stare. I had never seen Logic look so… confused. He seemed completely at a loss, and this was strange. _I thought he knew about this stuff. Huh. Well, I suppose it makes sense. He’s never witnessed another side die, at least to my knowledge. He wouldn’t know what it all entails._

Logic furrowed his brow, staring at me with his head cocked to one side in a manner that reminded me of a curious dog, and I had to fight the urge to laugh. “Would you care to explain what figments are, exactly?”

“Figments are, in their most basic form, shadows. They are shells of a side’s former self. Figments are beings of darkness and despair that live so far on the outskirts of the mind that it is rare one ever even encounters them. They roam there, nameless, formless, memory-less beings that exist for one purpose and one purpose only, being used by Thomas. They don’t eat. They don’t sleep. They don’t breathe. They don’t live. They are like zombies in a way, I suppose. They shamble around aimlessly and moan, longing for an existence greater than they have, but unable to reach it. Some of them bear a resemblance to their former selves. There have been some that I have recognized by a hat, a bracelet, the way they walk, their expression. Old friends and family that I lost long ago, left to forever wander, yearning for something that they can no longer have.”

Logic stared at me, his face bathed in sorrow and pity. I understood he meant well by it, but it still set my teeth on edge. _I don’t need anyone’s pity._ “That… sounds horrible. I’m so sorry, Deceit.”

“It’s fine,” I said, my voice sharper than I intended. He didn’t flinch back, but I could see by his expression that he was still slightly hurt. I let out a sigh, my words softening slightly. “I’ve grown used to it over the years. It no longer bothers me as it did. It is simply the way things are, and there is nothing we can do about it.” I quickly changed the subject. “If a side dies from a physical injury, however, there are a whole host of other things that can happen. More often than not, the side will reform at a later date. They appear exactly as they did before their death, but they will not have any memory of their past. It is as if they are a completely new person. They may have a completely different personality, even completely different interests, likes and dislikes. Or their trait might latch on to another side and become a part of them, such as what happened with Passion and Humor. They did not necessarily have a physical injury, but they did lose their purpose and become a part of Morality and Creativity. And those are the main things that can happen to a side who dies.”

“I… did not realize this. Although, I suppose I have never truly witnessed a side die before,” Logic remarked, confirming my suspicion.

“I pray you never do,” I said darkly.

We were silent for a moment, both lost in thought. Logic’s eyes wandered the room, never really settling on a single object, and he absently fiddled with his watch. I glanced down at my lap, my fingers tangled into knots, and tried to identify the strange sensation settling in the pit of my gut. It wasn’t anxiety, not exactly. It was more pleasant than that. Almost like a million little butterflies had hatched from their cocoons and were fluttering around in my stomach. It felt strange, but I kind of liked it. Was that strange? I didn’t know. All I knew was, anytime I glanced at Logic, the butterflies picked up in speed.

_I can’t be thinking about this right now,_ I scolded myself. _We’re trying to have a mature conversation, and here I am thinking about butterflies. It’s stupid. I’m stupid. Whatever this feeling is, it can wait. Focus, Dee. Focus on the task at hand. Focus on your sons. They are what really matter. They are the only things that matter. Focus on them and their safety. Focus on keeping them happy and healthy._

“How does Morality treat Creativity?” I asked suddenly.

Logic blinked at me. “I suppose he treats him well. He has never been abusive to him, if that is what you are worried about. I have been keeping a close eye on them ever since the incident with Remus, and never once has Morality so much as laid a hand on him in anger. More than anything, he has just been a little controlling. I never really realized how much he manipulated us with his sweet words and false praise. Morality seems to have an obsession with remaining in control, and when he is not, he becomes a little… unhinged.” I felt something in my chest twist as a collection of memories flickered through my brain, and quickly shoved them aside. The last thing I needed right now was to go into a panic attack. “Even still, he has never hurt the boy, physically or verbally. If anything, he stokes Roman’s ego a little too much. He is so caught up in himself he does not even think for a moment about other people. I have been trying to reach Roman the best I can, cut through all the bullshit Morality keeps feeding him to keep him submissive and help him see what is really going on, but it has been difficult. Almost ridiculously so, I would say. Roman has never really been fond of me, and he tends to lash out when he feels threatened. I believe he considers me a threat to this perfect little bubble he lives in where everything is fine, and he refuses to so much as listen to me. It is… infuriating,” he sighed. “I just… I do not know what to do anymore. I do not think I can help him. He refuses to listen to reason.”

I placed a hand on his shoulder. “It’s going to be okay, Logic. Just keep trying, and eventually you’ll get through to him. It just might take some time for him to pull his head out of his ass, but he’ll come around.”

He laughed slightly at that. “I will take your word for it, then.”

We went silent once more. I realized that my hand was still on Logic’s shoulder, and I quickly moved it. Both of our cheeks flushed bright pink. I adjusted my capelet and found Logic doing the same with his tie. We both laughed awkwardly, and the tension in the room eased somewhat.

“How has Remus been lately? Is he doing alright?” Logic asked worriedly.

I sighed. “He’s been okay for the most part, but he still has his bad days. He’s been struggling with his self-esteem lately, and I’ve been trying to help him the best I can with it, but it’s just been… hard.”

“I must admit, I am rather surprised that Remus still has bad days. He always seems so happy and upbeat whenever I visit. I would not have assumed that he would still be struggling with emotional issues after all this time.”

“You would think so just by looking at him, but it’s easy enough to fake a smile.” I stared into my lap, my mind wandering. “Especially when you’re doing so to protect the ones you love and keep them from worrying about you.”

“I… suppose you are right. Trauma takes time to recover from, and it can be rather easy to shove your issues aside and focus on others. However, it can be extremely dangerous to do so.”

I frowned, glancing up and meeting Logic’s eye. “How come?”

“Unresolved trauma can often result in PTSD, anxiety, or depression as a result. Those who do not take steps to move past their trauma are far more likely to become trapped in a very unhealthy mindset, and therefore experience negative side effects. It is important to talk about your trauma with someone you trust and be able to express your feelings in a healthy, constructive way in order to move past a traumatic event. Has Remus been talking to you about his trauma?”

My mind was racing a mile a minute, but I forced myself to focus on the task at hand. _Remus. Focus on Remus. Remus is all that matters right now._ “He’s talked about it some, but I’m sure I could do a better job of encouraging him to discuss it more. I haven’t really asked much past what he already told us, which was really just the bare minimum.”

“The most important thing is that he feels comfortable talking about it. If he feels like he is able to move past it and it does not affect him in a debilitating way, there is no need to press the subject, but if he feels that he could do better, it may be wise to discuss it further with him.”

“Yeah. That’s… that’s probably a good idea. I’ll talk to him about it later.”

“Good.”

I found myself staring into Logic’s eyes, his deep blue, stormy eyes. They were so… beautiful. I never realized one could get lost while looking in one’s eyes, but I felt enchanted, ensnared, trapped. They were like the ocean, deep and dark and dangerous, but also beautiful and gentle and real. My heart was beating fast, too fast, and I could feel the heat rising in my cheeks. It hurt to do so, but I forced myself to look away, trying to casually calm my racing heart. Placing a hand to my chest, I took a deep breath and tried to clear my mind. _I’m fine. It’s fine. Everything is fine. God, I am so gay. No! Stop it! Focus. Focus on the task at hand. Don’t think about his eyes or his smile or the way his hair falls perfectly every goddamn time he moves his head. Think about… huh. I wonder…_

“Hey, Logic?”

“Yes?”

“Has Remus ever told you about a theory he came up with? One about how each side has a disorder relating to their purpose? What are your thoughts on the subject?”

“No, I do not believe he ever brought it up, but that is a fascinating hypothesis. What evidence has he found to support it?”

“Well, he noticed that both he and Anxiety are based off of ‘disorders’ in a way, and they both have the ‘disorders’ they represent, although I don’t consider either of them to be disorders. Anxiety has anxiety, and Remus has intrusive thoughts. I’m not sure what particular disorder would connect to me, but he seems to be rather spot on with what evidence he has compiled so far.”

“I must admit, I have noticed something similar with the lightsides, although like you, I am unsure about what my own disorder might be. However, as for the others, I feel rather confident with some of my diagnoses. Patton, for instance, shows clear signs of control issues.”

I nodded. “I agree with that, although I think he might even have OCD to some extent. He was always one who leaned towards perfectionism, and even borderline obsession at times.”

“That is very true. I had not considered that as an option, but it makes sense. People with OCD are always trying to gain control of the uncontrollable. This does sound like it could be the case for P-Morality.” He rubbed his chin thoughtfully and I had to look away before my heart spontaneously combusted. _Why does he seem so fucking cute all of a sudden?! God, I have issues._ “As for Roman, he seems to suffer from egomania to some degree. He is just so self-absorbed and egotistical that I could not see him as anything else. I do not think there is anything else he cares about as much as himself.”

“I could see it. He always did seem a little self-centered. I… I don’t really feel comfortable sharing his name, but one of the sides that I’ve been trying to reconnect with lately seems to have bipolar disorder to some extent. He has violent mood swings that can be quite terrifying at times.”

“Really? Would you feel comfortable sharing his purpose with me? I would love to see if I could make a connection between his purpose and his possible disorder.”

I hesitated. “I… I don’t know. Are you going to tell the others?”

“No.”

I studied his face, waiting for my eye to light up, signalling a lie, but it never did. He was telling the truth. I sighed. “O-okay. Wrath. I was talking about Wrath.”

He nodded, his face thoughtful. “That makes sense. In your experience, would you say that the disorders are something that we are born with, or that we develop due to a traumatic event?”

I frowned. “I… I’m not sure. For sides such as Anxiety and Remus, they were clearly born with it, but as for Wrath… it was more likely due to a particularly traumatic event he went through. So… I would say it is a combination of the two. Perhaps he was more inclined towards mood swings when he was younger, but the disorder only truly developed after he experienced severe emotional trauma.”

“Fascinating. I believe you may be on to something. I understand if you are uncomfortable about discussing your own personal experiences and what disorders you might have, but I would like to discuss mine with you, if that is alright. I feel that you might offer some valuable insight.”

_Oh God. What if I say something wrong? What if I come off as snobby or insensitive? I don’t want to hurt him. I don’t want him to hate me._ “O-okay. What have you noticed?”

“I struggle with social interactions and situations quite a bit. I have been described as awkward and inept when it comes to talking to people. I am typically pretty antisocial, more inclined to spend time alone in my room, and intimate interactions are often uncomfortable for me. However, I am not certain what could be the cause of such traits.”

I hesitated. “I mean, I have an idea that might be it, but… it’s not guaranteed.”

“What is it?”

“I… I don’t know. I could be completely wrong. I don’t want to offend you or anything.”

“I understand your concern, but I can guarantee that I will not react badly to your hypothesis. After all, we are not certain about any of these disorders. We are not psychiatrists and cannot consider our self-diagnoses as fact. This is simply a social experiment in which we try to connect some of our traits to mental disorders. That is all.”

“A-alright. If you say so. Well, my first thought was that you might have autism or maybe you’re somewhere on the autism spectrum, but I don't know. You don’t really seem to have any trouble making eye contact, and if anything you just seem kind of awkward, that’s all.”

He seemed deep in thought. “I suppose it is possible that I could just be very low on the spectrum. After all, many of my traits do fit that of someone with autism. It is a good hypothesis, Deceit. Thank you for sharing. Do you feel comfortable sharing about yourself?”

I shrank back slightly, my heart beating uncomfortably fast. _Oh God._ “I… I don’t know. I mean, Morality once suggested that I might have antisocial personality disorder.”

Logic scoffed. “Most certainly not.”

I stared down at my hands, noting that they were visibly shaking once more. My voice was barely a whisper as I replied. “But… he could be right. People with antisocial personality disorders tend to lie a lot.”

He seemed even more irritated by that, his eyes flashing darkly. For a moment, I wondered if I had angered him somehow, but he didn’t seem mad at me. If anything, he seemed more upset at Morality, which was strange. _Why is he so upset about what Morality said? It’s the truth, isn’t it? One of my main traits_ is _deception. Why would that bother him so much?_

“They also tend to have a complete disregard for other people. They are impulsive, completely disregard their own safety and the safety of others, and tend to break the law. Does that sound right to you?”

“I… I guess not.”

He let out a breath, the tension leaving his shoulders. “Good.” 

I watched him curiously, wondering why he was so relieved that I knew Morality’s words were wrong. _Why does he care so much? Wait. Does he care about… me?! No. No, that can’t be the case. Why would he care about me? I’m just… I don’t know… me. Maybe it has something to do with Morality, then. Yes, that must be it._

“Is there anything else you think it could be?” he asked.

I opened my mouth to reply, only to be hit by a wave of dizziness. It felt like my whole world had been tilted ever-so-slightly in one direction, leaving me on uneven ground. Out of nowhere, the voice returned, the one that had hurt me so badly before. _Fuck. Here we go again._

**Tell him. You know, don’t you? You know what it is. You know what’s wrong with you. You just don’t want to admit it. You just don’t want to tell him the truth.**

_Shut up! There is nothing wrong with me. I’m fine._

**Liar. You know that’s the furthest from the truth. You’re not fine. You’re broken. You’re a mess. You can barely hold yourself together.**

_I am fine! I just haven’t been getting enough sleep lately. That’s it!_

**You know that you’re broken. You know that there is something wrong with you. Something really wrong with you. You’re depressed. You’re depressed and you’re too scared to admit it. Too scared to face the truth. Too scared of what Logan will think of you when you tell him the truth. Tell me, how long do you think it will take for him to give up on you, label you a lost cause and leave you in the dust? How long will it take your sons to do the same, when they find out?**

_I’m not depressed! I can’t be depressed! I’m happy! I’m fine! I can’t have depression. I can’t! And they would never leave me, even if I did have depression! But I don’t. I’m fine. Everything is fine. You’re just a voice in my head determined to fuck with me! Nothing you say is true, and I don’t need to listen to it. I’m fine, and I don’t need you. Now leave me the hell alone!_

**Keep lying to yourself. Maybe one day you’ll live up to your name, Deceit.**

I felt sick. Swallowing hard, I shook my head quickly, and Logic seemed to understand when to leave good enough alone, because he dropped it. He suggested we watch a documentary, which was a relief to me. At this point, anything sounded good to me. Anything that would distract me from my thoughts, which seemed determined to break me. I let him pick out one of the documentaries from our TV cabinet while I pulled a blanket around me and attempted to hide how badly I was shaking. When I had found a comfortable position on the couch, I looked up to find Logic smiling at me, holding up Capturing the Friedmans, a personal favorite of mine that delved into the elusiveness of facts and how discredited investigative techniques when it comes to children’s testimonies could lead to false accusations. I nodded, managing a small grin in return, and he put the DVD in before sitting down next to me.

We were about halfway through the documentary when I heard voices from down the hall, progressively getting louder and more animated as they approached. I recognized Anxiety and Remus by the conversation alone, which appeared to be about fighting techniques and the proper use for specific weapons, but it helped that Anxiety’s voice was low and mumbly, while Remus’s was higher pitched and very energetic in comparison. Shifting position a little, I shared a glance with Logic before turning back to the TV, determined to ignore them. We were just getting to the best part of the documentary, and I was looking forward to discussing it with Logic afterwards. I couldn’t wait to hear his thoughts on the subject.

“Oooh, what do we have here?” a voice drawled, and I finally looked over to see Anxiety standing next to the TV, a slight smirk on his face. “I didn’t realize this was a date night.”

“What-?” I began, but Remus interrupted me.

“I’m so sorry, Pops,” he remarked sarcastically. “I didn’t mean to intrude on you and your boyfriend.”

“When do you think the kids will be here?” Anxiety wondered aloud.

Remus began to giggle, and even his brother snorted slightly. Tuning out their teasing remarks, I glanced at Logic, confused as to what they were talking about, only to find his face a few inches from mine and bright red. It took me a minute to realize what the others were seeing, which was me and Logic cuddled up together on the couch, but when I did, I immediately flushed pink. Leaping off the couch, the blanket falling to the floor, I stared, mouth agape, at my sons and Logic. The boys were still laughing, clearly amused by the situation, and even Logic managed a few embarrassed chuckles, but I couldn’t laugh it off like they could. I began to get a twisted sort of feeling in my gut, the kind that made my stomach turn and my head become light and fuzzy. Suddenly, my breath caught in my throat as my heart began to hammer in my chest. _I… I c-can’t breathe!_

Panicking, I sprinted from the room, my breath coming out in short gasps as I flew down the hall, reaching my door within seconds and slamming it shut behind me. For a moment, I leaned against it, my hand still firmly on the handle, as I tried to catch my breath. Flicking the lock in place, I collapsed on the floor, pulling my knees to my chest and trying to calm my racing heart. My whole body felt like it was on fire and my every nerve was on edge. I felt hot and cold all at the same time, and it… _hurt._ I didn’t know why it hurt so bad, or what _it_ was, but I hated the feeling. I hated it _so_ _much_. I just wanted to hide under my bed and pretend that the world didn’t exist, but I knew I wouldn’t fit, so I would have to settle for hiding _on_ my bed instead.

Shakily getting to my feet, I grabbed a blanket and curled up in bed, trying to calm my anxiety, which was at an all time high, enough to fall asleep. It seemed to be a losing battle, however, as everything I did only seemed to make it worse. All I could see was Logic next to me, our torsos inches apart and our legs touching beneath the blanket. All I could feel was his arm around my shoulder and his breath on my cheek when he turned to look at me. It made my skin crawl, although I didn’t know why. It was… terrifying. That much I knew. But I didn’t know why. Logic was nice. He was sweet, and genuine, and real. He was nothing like my ex. So why did he give me the same anxious feeling that _he_ did? Was there something off about Logic that I hadn’t noticed before? Or was there something wrong with me? I didn’t know, but it scared me just the same. All I knew was, I couldn’t stand the close intimacy that we had shared, not again. If I did, it might break me for good.

_Knock, knock, knock._

My nerves immediately went on edge. _Go away. Please. Please, just leave me alone. I… I can’t right now. Please._

“W-who’s there?” I asked, silently cursing myself when my voice shook involuntarily.

“Dee? Are you okay?” came the soft, even, low rumble of Anxiety’s voice, a sound that soothed me almost instantly.

“Yeah, I’m okay.”

“Are you sure? You just… ran off. What happened?”

“I… I just felt sick all of a sudden. I’m fine, really. I just need some rest is all.”

“Dee, I know it was something more than that. You went as pale as me and looked absolutely terrified. We’re all really worried. Can you please come out?”

“No, I’m sorry. I… I don’t want to get you sick.”

“Pops, if this is about us teasing you, I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean anything by it. I just… I’ve never seen you so comfortable around another person before. I thought it was really… sweet. And if you _do_ have feelings for Logic, I don’t have a problem with that. In fact, I’m glad if you do. You need to let more people in your life, and if you won’t talk to us about your problems, I ask that you at least find someone you will. I’m really worried about you. Please, talk to me. Tell me what’s going on.”

“Nothing. Nothing is going on. I’m fine. I just felt sick, and I decided it would be wise to get to my room instead of risking getting the rest of you sick as well. Please tell Logic that I am sorry, but that I must cut our visit short. I trust you can guide him to the grey corridor on your own.”

I could hear Anxiety sigh from beyond the door and I felt my heart ache a little. I hated to be like this, to be so difficult, so pathetic, so… broken. I knew it worried them. I knew that I was hurting them by shutting them out, but I couldn’t bear to be around other people right now. I just… couldn’t. I knew it hurt them to see me in pain, but there was nothing I could do about it right now. I just hoped they understood. I was fine. I would be fine. I just needed time and space.

“If you say so, Dee. I’ll… I’ll check on you later, okay? Stay safe.”

“I will. Thank you, Anx.”

I waited until I was sure he had left, listening for his footsteps to fade into the distance before I finally broke down. The tears ended up spilling down my cheeks without me being able to stop them, and I buried my face into my pillow, sobbing silently into the snake print fabric. Everything hurt. My heart, my mind, my soul, my body, everything. It all seemed to pulse in synchrony, like I was one big wound that had just been opened up. I laid in my bed and cried until I couldn’t anymore, because if I could still cry, that meant I could still think, and that was the last thing I wanted to do. I couldn’t be left alone with my thoughts again. I was certain if I was, it would shatter whatever was left of me. So I cried until I was too tired to do anything else, and then I let sleep take me away, praying that when I woke up in the morning, all of this would just be one awful nightmare and I could go back to the way things were before. But I knew deep down in my heart that even if this was a nightmare, I wasn’t going to be waking up anytime soon.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this is what it comes to. About a month of nothing, no posts on this novel whatsoever, and then I show up with this. I know, it's not much. I'm sorry. In all honesty, it was a struggle to write the conversation between Deceit and Logan, which is part of the reason why this took so long to finish. I promise that what's coming up next will make it all worth it, if that makes any of you feel better. And I hope you enjoyed this chapter regardless. I know that not much happened, but I promise it's meant to be a setup for some amazing things in the future, so just hang in there, and I promise things will get really interesting really soon. Again, I'm sorry, and I'll do better in the future. For what it's worth, thank you all for reading! I love you all so much and I hope you're doing well. Stay safe and I'll see you in the next chapter! <3
> 
> ~Your Fellow Fander


	18. Anxiety

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Who's ready for a little bit of lore?!
> 
> Also, this chapter is mostly fluff, so enjoy! Don't worry, it won't last long.

I still had an uneasy feeling in my gut as I walked away from Dee’s door. I knew he said he was fine and that he would be okay, but my heart still ached at the thought of leaving him alone. That was my father in there, and he was clearly in pain, although I wasn’t really sure why. The thought that it might have been our teasing that had caused all this left guilt swirling in my chest, weighing me down with every step I took. Still, I knew that if Dee wanted to be left alone, it was probably better that I did as he asked. I knew from experience that sometimes being left alone was more beneficial than being surrounded by a bunch of people hovering over you all the time. Sometimes that could make things worse, even if the attention was well-intended.

When I stepped foot in the living room, I found Remus and Logic- I mean Logan, sitting on the couch. Remus was sprawled out on the couch, blabbering on about something involving wounds by the sounds of it, although he seemed to quiet down when he noticed me approach. Logan was chewing the inside of his lip, nearly drawing blood with how distracted he was, his finger fooling with his tie idly. He was clearly anxious, and I couldn’t blame him. After what had just happened, it seemed we were all a little on edge.

When he saw me enter, Logan shot to his feet and approached me, his face twisted with worry and guilt. “Is he okay? What happened?”

I sighed, sitting down on the coffee table and gesturing for Logan to sit down. He chose to stand instead, his foot tapping in a measured rhythm that likely mirrored the beating of his heart. Taking a moment to gather my thoughts, I turned to face both of them. “I don’t know,” I admitted. “Dee wouldn’t really talk to me, and he refused to let me into his room.”

“Oh God. I hurt him, didn’t I? I didn’t mean to, honest. God, I hope he’s okay,” Logan worried, pacing the room frantically.

I stood and caught him by the shoulders before forcing him to sit on the couch. “Logan, calm down. You didn’t hurt him. He said he wasn’t feeling well and didn’t want us to get sick. That’s all. Believe me, it takes a lot to hurt someone like him.”

He nodded slowly, but I could tell by his expression that he didn’t believe a word I said, and if I was being honest, I didn’t believe it either. It was utter bullshit, and even though I had good intentions by saying it, I knew I was only making him more concerned. However, he seemed content to drop the issue for now, which was a relief. I didn’t really know what else to tell him at that point, and I sucked at encouraging stuff anyway.

We sat and finished the remainder of the documentary they’d been watching earlier, although Logan didn’t seem to pay it much mind. He kept looking down the hall as if he expected Dee to emerge any moment, apologizing for his sudden departure and assuring us that he was alright, but he never came. The hallway was empty and silent, the only thing that could be seen inside was the thick, swirling mist that covered every inch of the Darkside. Every time he looked only to find no one there, he looked even more concerned and guilty, and I wished I could help ease his conscience, but I had no idea what to tell him. Dee’s behavior baffled me as well, and I wasn’t sure if he really  _ was _ okay. All I knew was what he had told me, which wasn’t much.

After the documentary was over, Logan left. I offered to walk him to the grey corridor, but he seemed insistent that he could find his way back on his own. If he had been trying to find his way anywhere else, I would have insisted on accompanying him, but the path to the grey corridor didn’t really change much, and I knew Logan was too smart to try it on his own unless he was sure he knew the way. I figured I would check to make sure he had arrived home safe in a half an hour or so.

Once he had left, I found myself alone in the living room with Remus. With nothing around to distract me from my anxiety, I found myself pacing around the room, worrying aloud about Dee while Remus watched me. As I spouted off every worst case scenario, Remus listened and offered his input every now and then, shooting down my more outlandish and strange ideas from where he sat upside down on the couch. I glanced at my brother every now and then while I paced, noting that while outwardly he appeared quite at ease and maybe even a little uncaring of the situation, he was quite anxious himself. His body radiated anxiety, much like Dee’s had before he fled the room, and he had taken to chewing on his nails. He was just as worried as I was, he just expressed it in a less conspicuous way.

“Maybe it has something to do with Patton,” Remus offered.

I froze, my blood running cold, before turning to my brother. “What do you mean by that?” I demanded, trying to keep from sounding angry. I wasn’t angry, not at Remus, but the idea that Morality might have been the cause of Dee’s pain instantly made me want to punch something.

He shrugged. “I dunno. All I know is that Pops once told me that Patton was the person who hurt him in the past. He didn’t say much else. I just thought that maybe Logan could have reminded him of Patton, that’s all.”

I could feel a fire burning in my chest at the very thought of Patton hurting my father. My whole face began to heat up as I took a few deep breaths, trying to keep myself from having a full-on breakdown. A large part of me desperately wanted to sprint down to the Lightside and confront Morality right then and there, but I held myself back. It wouldn’t be wise to leave Remus alone, especially not when he was feeling anxious about Dee.  _ Besides, Dee warned me against going near the Lightside. He was always worried that if I revealed myself, I would make myself more of a target for the fade, and that Patton might actively attack me because of it. Even though I dearly wish to slap the everloving shit out of that bastard and demand that he tell me what he did to Dee, I can’t. Remus and Dee need me. I can’t leave them. I have to leave the Lightside alone, at least for now. _

Taking a few deep breaths, I finally managed to calm down, most of my anger leaving me. I was still worried about Dee and angry at Morality, but I forced myself to put that aside for the moment. Remus was still radiating anxiety, and I really needed to calm him down for a while.  _ There has to be something I can do to distract him, _ I thought. Glancing around the room, my eyes landed on the bookshelf, and I grinned.  _ Perfect. _

“Hey Ree, you wanna read something?”

His eyes lit up and he nodded energetically, falling off the couch with a  _ thud. _ I winced, but he didn’t seem bothered by the bruise that was already starting to form on his forehead. Instead, he sat rightside up and waited a moment for the blood to rush away from his head before standing.

“Can I pick out the book?” he asked shyly.

“Of course,” I replied, ruffling his hair. “Whatever you want.”

He smiled before running over to the bookshelf and browsing its contents. As he decided what he wanted to read, I eyed the couch and picked up a pillow before another idea came to me. I felt a hand pulling on my sleeve and turned to find Remus with a huge book in his arms. Taking it from him, I grinned as I read the title.

“‘The Chronicles of Narnia’, huh?”

“Yeah. Pops and I started reading it a little while back. Is it okay if we read that tonight?”

“Sure, squirt. Say, would you want to build a pillow fort first?”

“Yes! Can we? Pleeeeeeeeeeease?” he begged, hopping up and down.

“Yep. You’re on pillow duty, okay? I need the biggest, fattest pillows you can find.”

“On it!” he cried before rushing out of the room.

I smiled as I watched him go, feeling his anxiety ease slightly. He was still worried, of course, but at least he wasn’t freaking out. I hoped this was enough to take his mind off things for a while, and mine too. There wasn’t anything we could do right now, so the best thing to do was relax.

When Remus returned, he had a huge armful of pillows of all shapes and sizes. I had gathered up our largest, fluffiest blankets, and together we began to build a pillow fort in the middle of the living room. I moved the coffee table to the side of the room and the couch back a few feet while Remus began to stack pillows and build the base for our fort. After a while of deciding how big to make the fort and what shape it should be, and enduring a few rounds of an impromptu pillow fight in the process, we had finished stacking pillows and began draping blankets. Remus piled the excess pillows, blankets, and stuffed animals inside the fort, and we both stepped back to admire our hard work. I had to admit, it was a pretty good looking pillow fort, especially for two nutjobs like us.

Grabbing the book, Remus crawled into the fort and curled up in the dense pile of blankets and stuffed animals. I laughed slightly as I joined him, sitting by his side and taking the book from him. He smiled up at me as I flipped to the bookmarked spot, surprised to find that they were already on  _ The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe _ , but then again, Dee  _ had _ been reading to Remus an awful lot lately. It seemed to be their favorite bonding activity.

“Can you do the voices?”

I glanced down at Remus only to find him gazing at me with the biggest puppy dog eyes I had ever seen and silently cursed his cuteness.  _ Fuck you, you adorable little shit. _ “Fine. I can’t do them as good as Dee can, though.”

“That’s okay. No one can do them as good as Pops can.”

I chuckled slightly. “Well, you’re right about that.”

As I began to read, I let myself become immersed in the magical world that C.S. Lewis created. Remus also appeared spellbound by the dramatic tale, although he was still far too energetic and wild when voicing the children. It was very amusing to hear, especially on some of the softer, more dismal lines. He somehow managed to make them all sound like complete and total sociopaths while also making them endearing, which was a skill all his own, I was sure. I wondered how Dee could do this without laughing his ass off, but he was always a lot better at keeping a straight face than I was. _ That’s probably why I always lose at Poker. _

After reading a few chapters, I told Remus we had to stop.

“Awww. Why?” he whined.

“I have to go make dinner, Ree.”

His face lit up immediately. “Oh, ok.”

I barely contained my snort of amusement. If there was anything Remus loved more than reading, it was food. He plopped himself down on the carpet and turned on the Playstation, likely trying to kill time until dinner was ready. I spared him one last glance, shaking my head with a slight grin on my face, before heading into the kitchen.  _ What an idiot. Well, at least he’s my idiot. _

Looking around, I tried to find some sort of inspiration as to what I should make, but I had nothing. My mind was utterly blank.  _ I guess it’s just gonna be a leftover day, _ I thought glumly, digging through the fridge to see what we had. There was still some soup left from when we made it a while back, so I decided to heat that up for dinner with some toast.

While the soup was cooling down, I figured I should go check and make sure Logan got home safely. Walking to the grey corridor, I glanced down each hall to make sure he wasn’t in any of them. He wasn’t, which was a relief. Some of the hallways were safe, just dead ends that led to nothing, but a few were a little risky, either because of the architecture of the halls themselves, or because of what might be lurking down them, and I would hate to find the nerd injured or dead because I didn’t go with him.

Once I reached the grey corridor, I walked down and peeked into the Lightside, not sure what I’d find. I was met with the sight of Roman, Remus’s brother, sword fighting with Logan, who looked bored but resigned. I watched the two of them for a moment, Roman with his wild, slightly erratic movements being matched every step of the way by Logic’s calm, calculated ones. Soon they both stopped to take a break, although Roman was the only one who looked like he needed it.

“You are showing great improvement, Roman. However, you still need to work on your form,” Logic told him.

“I k-know. I just get so… so excited. I’ll work o-on it, I p-promise,” he gasped, reaching up to push his sweat-slicked hair out of his face and offering the man a weary grin.

“Good. Now I suggest you take a quick shower before dinner. Mor- Patton should be almost done.”

“Okay.”

Roman rushed up the stairs to his room, the door closing loudly behind him. Logan sighed before sitting down on his armchair and opening a book. I watched him for a few more minutes before ducking back down the corridor again and to the Darkside. As I passed by Dee’s room, I paused and knocked at the door.

“Pops?”

Silence.

“I made dinner. I was wondering if you wanted to join us.”

I leaned against the door with my ear to it, hoping to receive some sort of response. Still nothing.

I sighed. “O-okay, then. Well, you know where we are if you need us, okay? I’ll bring you something to eat later, if you’d like.”

I was about to leave when I heard a slightly rough voice answer.

“T-thank you, Anx. But I’m not hungry.”

Resting my temple against the door, I bit my lip. “Are you sure? You haven’t eaten much today.”

“I’m fine, I promise.”

“Alright,” I sighed. “I’ll leave you be, then.”

As I walked back to the living room, I found myself caught up on Dee’s voice. It sounded so rough and scratchy, like he hadn’t spoken in a while, but that wasn’t it. There was something more to it than that.  _ Maybe he really is just sick,  _ I thought, but that didn’t seem quite right either.  _ No, it didn’t sound irritated or sick. It almost sounded like… he’d been crying. God, I hope he hasn’t been crying. I hate it when Dee’s sad. _ Forcibly shoving that thought out of my head for the time being, I quickly set the table and called my brother in.

After Remus and I ate, I put him in charge of cleaning the dishes and putting them away before grabbing a bowl full of soup for Jealousy. Before I left, I made sure I poured the remaining soup in a covered dish and put it in the fridge where I knew Dee would see it. I could only pray he decided to get something to eat while I wasn’t around, because I knew there was no way in Hell I was going to be able to force him to eat it. As stubborn and difficult as  _ I _ was, Pops was ten times worse.

As I walked down the halls, taking a turn here and pressing a secret panel there, I found my mind wandering to what Remus had said earlier about Morality being the one who hurt Pops years ago. I remembered that time well, although I had been younger at the time. I was probably eleven or so, but I remembered how he had rushed home from a visit to the Lightside with tears in his eyes, how he had told us all that we were to never go to the Lightside again, and how right after, he had locked himself in his room for three days. It had been incredibly jarring, having our father figure suddenly gone with no warning. Luckily for us, we had Uncle Jeal and Uncle Hate to step in and take care of us, because I was certain that if they hadn’t, someone would have died. But someone  _ did _ die. 

Uncle Hate was so upset and worried about Dee that he disregarded his warning and went to the Lightside. He came back red in the face, saying that Morality was acting irrational, threatening the entire Darkside with something called ‘The Fade’. We had no idea what it was at the time, and we all thought that Morality must have been joking, surely. Yes, some of us had faded in the past now and then, but we just thought it was a normal part of life. We didn’t know that he was taking us out from right under our noses, one by one. And then a few years later, Hatred was gone, killed by the very same fade that we had been warned about, and everything suddenly felt real. 

I knew it wasn’t a coincidence that he had gone to the Lightside and ended up fading so soon afterwards. I knew that it was Morality making good on his threat and proving a point. We were all subject to his mercy or his condemnation. There was nothing we could do to keep the fade from happening once it started. We were sitting ducks, and if we didn’t do what he said, we would disappear without a second thought. Dee knew this too, and he felt extremely guilty because of it.

He blamed himself for Hatred’s fade. I knew he did. It was written all over his face whenever someone so much as uttered his name. He blamed himself because if he hadn’t locked himself in his room all that time, he could have stopped him. He could have kept Hatred from going to the Lightside and provoking Morality, and all this mess could have been solved. But I knew that even if he  _ had _ stopped Hatred, Morality still would have targeted him sooner or later. Hatred is not a ‘coveted’ trait, at least not in Thomas’s life. Hatred was deemed as unseemly, wrong, and vile. While Dee might have been able to prolong his life by a few years, I knew that it wouldn’t have done much. That didn’t stop him from blaming himself, though.

It didn’t stop others from blaming him, either. So many sides blamed Hatred’s fade on Deceit. Wrath blamed him for sure. I knew that from experience. Lust, Pride, and Greed, too. I knew for a fact that they absolutely hated Dee for what happened to Hatred. As for Sloth, I wasn’t quite sure. He wasn’t really the type to hold a grudge, but I knew he wasn’t too fond of Dee all the same. They all held him responsible for not only Hatred’s fade, but all those who faded before and after him. They felt that if Dee had done better, none of them would have ever faded, and I had a feeling Dee was inclined to agree with them. I thought it was a total load of shit and they were all just being too hard on him, but Dee has always had impossibly high standards for himself. In the end, that was often his detriment.

Blinking, I glanced up and realized with a start that I was at Jealousy’s door.  _ Damn, I must’ve really spaced out, huh. God, I need to get a grip. Whatever  _ did _ happen between Pops and Morality, it’s in the past, and he seems to have moved on from it. Even though I might want to wring the little bastard’s neck, I need to respect Dee’s wishes and let it go. I just… wish I knew what he did to hurt Pops so bad in the first place. _

Knocking on the door, I waited for a moment before an all too familiar “Come in” reached my ears. Opening the door and stepping inside, I found Jealousy sitting up in bed, looking through a photo album. He set it aside and met me with a hearty grin as he took the soup and toast from me.

“Thank you, Anx. I was getting a little peckish.”

“No problem, Uncle Jeal.”

As he ate, I sat on the edge of his bed and stared at the sheets, the rich orange comforter the only beacon of color in his room, which was a sea of blacks, whites, and greys. Gazing at my uncle, I found myself wishing for the old him, before all of this mess happened. I missed when his hair was the same chocolate brown that all of us had and it fell ever so delicately over one of his eyes as he talked. I missed when his eyes were a vibrant orange and he used to wear oversized sweaters that matched them. I missed running around the Darkside with him, causing trouble and driving Dee up the wall with our antics. I missed sitting down and watching old movies with him, his glasses perched on the edge of his nose and me sitting comfortably in his lap. It hadn’t been that long ago, I knew that. But it felt like an eternity, and I hated it. I hated the fact that I was about to lose the only uncle I had left. And I hated Morality for causing it in the first place.

“So, what have you been up to, kid?” Uncle Jeal asked, setting aside his bowl and startling me from my thoughts.

“Not too much. I’ve been hanging out with Remus a lot. He’s been teaching me how to fight, and today we built a pillow fort in the living room and read together.”

He grinned. “You sure love that kid, huh?”

“Yeah. He’s… he’s the best. I’m so glad I have him. It got kinda lonely being the youngest one here, you know? It’s nice to have company, and he’s the best little brother I could ever ask for,” I said with a smile.

“That’s good. But is everything alright? It looks like something’s bugging you.”

I bit my lip. “Not really. I’m really worried, Uncle Jeal.”

“About what?”

“Dee. He’s been acting weird for a while now, but today was a whole new level of ‘what the fuck’, you know?”

Jealousy sat up straight and looked me in the eye, offering me a grin that helped calm me down. “Okay, well why don’t you tell me about it? Maybe I can help.”

“Well, he’s been really distant lately. He seems kinda sad a lot, and he keeps changing the subject whenever I try to talk with him about how he’s feeling. He hasn’t been eating much either, and he tends to hide out in his room a lot. But today was a little different. Logan was over, and-”

Uncle Jeal frowned. “Logan?”

“Right, you don’t know about him. Logan is Thomas’s logical side.”

His eyes widened. “But… he’s a lightside, isn’t he?”

“Yeah, but he’s really nice. He was the one who took care of Remus before Morality drove him away, and he’s been coming over a lot to see him and get to know us. He’s really accepting and he doesn’t seem to harbor any ill will towards any of us. Dee would have kept him from coming here if he did.”

“Huh.” Jealousy’s eyes seemed to glimmer with something, but I didn’t know what. “Anyway, continue your story.”

“Right! Logan came over and he and Dee were hanging out while Remus and I were fucking around in the Imagination. When we came back, we found them curled up on the couch watching a documentary. Remus and I started teasing them about being boyfriends, and then Dee started freaking out.” I felt my stomach twist with guilt.  _ It’s all my fault. I shouldn’t have teased them. _ “He just darted out of the room all of a sudden and left us all standing there. When I went to check on him, he was locked in his room and he refused to come out. He told me he just felt sick and that he needed some time to rest. I haven’t seen him since.”

I watched as Uncle Jeal stared off into the distance, seemingly lost in thought. After a moment, he looked back at me with another smile of his that could calm all my nerves in a second. “I know this is worrisome, but for now, I think the best thing to do is just leave him be.”

“But what if he’s hurt?! What if he needs emotional support and I’m not there for him?! What if something bad happens and I can’t do anything?!”

“Anxiety, breathe,” he said firmly. 

I took a few deep breaths. “S-sorry.”

“It’s okay, kid. I get that you’re concerned about him, but it’s going to be okay. You can check in on him every now and then and remind him that you’re there for him, but you can only help him if he lets you. As much as it hurts, there isn’t much you can do right now. Dee says that he’s fine, so you have to trust that he’s fine. It is not your responsibility to know when he needs you and when he’s hurting. It’s  _ his _ responsibility to reach out to you when he needs you and when he’s hurting so that  _ you _ can help him. You’re not a superhero, Anx, and no one is expecting you to be one. You’re human. You have your limitations and your imperfections, and that’s okay. Everyone does. All you can do for him is just be there for him in case he does decide to reach out. And next time I see him, I’ll be sure to talk to him about it and see if he’ll open up to me. But for now, we can’t do anything but remind him that he’s not alone and that everything is going to be okay.”

I let out a breath I didn’t even realize I had been holding. “You’re right, Uncle Jeal. I’ve been putting burdens on myself that aren’t my burdens to bear. I’ll just keep reminding him that I’m here for him and hope that he takes my offer of help. Thank you.”

“Anytime, kid. But I wouldn’t worry too much about Dee. He’s a fighter. He goes through these rough patches every now and then, but he’s always right as rain afterwards. He’s a persistent little bastard. He’ll pull through.”

I nodded, although I could feel something in my chest squeeze painfully as one thought entered my mind.  _ But how long can one person keep pushing through until they can’t anymore? _ Biting my lip, I stood and collected the bowl and spoon from Jealousy before taking my leave. Offering one final smile, I closed the door behind me and began my journey back to the living room. As the sound of my shoes on the cobblestone floor echoed through the hall and the mist coiled and danced around me like smoke, I bowed my head and let the tension in my shoulders fall away.

“I hope you’re right, Uncle Jeal. I really do,” I murmured as a tear streaked its way down my cheek.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! Thank you so much for reading my story! I really appreciate all the support and positive feedback I've been receiving so far. It really means a lot. I told you guys I'd get a rhythm down after that first chapter! I'm on a roll now! I'll try to keep posting every few days, but depending on the chapter, it might take longer. Also, feel free to check out my collection of one-shots if you'd like! I've only started it recently, and I haven't posted an awful lot on it yet, but so far I feel like I'm doing a pretty good job. I hope you guys enjoy them if you check them out. I will be posting relatively often on there as well, so if you want to read more content and are waiting for me to get my ass in gear and post the next chapter on here, that's always an option. Thank you so much for reading and I'll see you guys soon! Stay safe!
> 
> ~Your Fellow Fander


	19. Deceit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "The angst is strong with this one."
> 
> ~Courtesy of Star Wars and Prison

Closing the door behind me with a sigh, I rubbed at my temple as I began the long, slow trek back to my room. _Goddamnit Wrath. Why won’t you just listen to me? Why do you have to be so damn difficult?! I’m trying fucking save you!_ Groaning into my hands, I took a deep breath before standing upright and shoving all my thoughts and feelings to the back of my mind. _It’s fine. Focus on something else. What do I need to do today? Well… huh. I’m not really sure. Uh… work! I need to work today. Okay, that’s something. I need to make breakfast, lunch, and dinner for my family. That’s another thing to do. Okay. One thing at a time. First, get to my room._

As I strolled down the twisting, turning halls of the Darkside, adjusting my capelet as the bitter chill of the air made me shiver, I thought of my boys. I could imagine them now, Remus curled up in a tangle of blankets, probably half-falling off the bed as he snored. Anxiety, huddled so tightly in on himself that he appeared as a little lump under the covers, his hood pulled over his head as he twitched every now and then from a dream. Smiling softly, I couldn’t help the way my heart melted at the thought of them, peaceful and safe. _And I will make sure it stays that way, no matter what it takes._

Nodding shortly, my steps became a bit quicker, more energetic and steady, and I felt the last of my stress fade into the background until it was no more than static at the back of my mind. Nothing could hurt me today. At least, that was what I kept telling myself. Who knows, maybe if I kept saying it, it would become true. I wasn’t having a mental breakdown, so anything was possible.

Distantly, my brain acknowledged the fact that there were footsteps quickly approaching me, moving at almost a breakneck speed, but I wasn’t able to process that fact until there were arms wrapping around me and clinging to me tight, jostling me out of my thoughts. Whirling around, I found that I was face to face with Anxiety, who had ambushed me in a warm embrace. Blinking, I had the consciousness to catch my hat as it fell before returning the surprise hug.

“Anx? You know I always appreciate a good hug, but is there any particular reason for this one? Are you okay? Are you hurt?” I pulled back to examine him worriedly, gripping his chin and turning his head from one side to another, looking for any visible injuries. “Did something happen? I swear, if someone hurt you-”

“Dee!” Anxiety interrupted, pulling away gently. “I’m okay,” he assured me. “I’m fine. It’s you I’m worried about. What the hell are you doing up? It’s like… 4 AM. I thought you were feeling sick. If that’s the case, you should be resting.”

“I’m fine,” I said firmly. I was unable to meet his concerned gaze, instead choosing to focus my eyes over his shoulder. “I’m feeling much better now. I promise.”

“Are you sure?”

He looked so worried. It made my stomach twist with guilt, knowing that I had scared him so bad. _God, what is wrong with me? I shouldn’t have run off yesterday. Why did I run away? I should have just laughed it off like the rest of them. But I couldn’t. Because I’m a broken, worthless, pathetic excuse for a father. Anxiety is my son. He shouldn’t have to worry about me. He shouldn’t have to look after me. I’m the adult here, and here I am, drowning in self-pity and making it all about me. I”m fine. Everything is fine. Get a grip, Dee. He needs you to be strong. You need to be strong for him and Ree._

I forced a grin. “Of course. I’m perfectly fine. It must have just been nerves, or a stomach bug maybe. Either way, I’m feeling good now, and that’s what matters.”

“Still, you should be in bed,” he frowned. “You look tired. How much sleep did you get last night?”

Placing my hat back on my head, I began to walk back home, and he followed me closely, that worried look still flaring up in his eyes. “I’m fine, Anxiety. I got enough sleep to last me the day. But if it makes you feel better, I will go take a nap for an hour or two before breakfast.”

“Please,” he met my eye, his face wracked with concern, and I felt the guilt eat at me once more. “I don’t want you hurting yourself for our sake. Please, Pops, take care of yourself first.”

I pulled him into a hug, and he buried his face in my shirt, his grip tight around me. Gently rubbing circles into his back, I held him for a moment before pulling back and pressing a kiss to his forehead. “I will, I promise. But I’m telling you, I am fine. Everything’s okay. I just felt a little unwell yesterday, and I’m all better now. You have nothing to worry about, Anx. Everything is going to be fine. I’m okay.”

He nodded slowly, although I could see hints of doubt in the way he held my gaze a few seconds too long. As I gazed at my son, I found myself noticing things that I usually didn’t, like how the smudged eyeshadow under his eyes barely masked the dark circles that were there naturally, the wrinkles of concern in his forehead, the way he picked at the sleeve of his hoodie and chewed the inside of his lip as he watched me, the frown lines in the corners of his mouth, and it felt like a punch to the gut. _Anxiety is only sixteen. He should not be this stressed out, and least of all about me of all people. God, when did I become so pathetic that he needed to worry about me this much?_

Taking him by the hand, we continued walking down the halls, taking two lefts and a right before strolling down a long stretch of all that seemed to run on forever. Every now and then, he would look at me out of the corner of his eye, like he had to reassure himself that I was still there and I was okay. I pasted on the biggest, brightest smile I could muster and managed to put a spring in my step that I didn’t have. I wasn’t going to let him worry about me anymore. He was a kid. I wanted him to be able to be a kid and not have to think about losing me. He wasn’t going to lose me. Neither was Remus. I was going to be okay, and I was going to be okay for them. They wouldn’t have to worry about me ever again.

“So,” I began cheerfully. “What were you doing? You know, before you tackled me from behind.”

He scowled. “I did not tackle you.”

“Oh, you’re right. It was far too weak to be a tackle. Sorry. Carry on.”

Anxiety made a face at me. “Shut up,” he growled before breaking into a chuckle. I laughed, watching as the tension in his shoulders eased slightly and he began to swing our hands back and forth between us as we walked. “I was out for a morning jog. Thoughts got to be too much, so I wanted to do something to get rid of a little anxious energy.”

I frowned. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine now, Pops,” he assured me. “Jogging did the trick. Thanks for recommending it, by the way. I don’t think I ever really thanked you.”

My heart swelled slightly, and I smiled at him softly. “You never have to thank me for taking care of you, Anx. You’re my son. I couldn’t _not_ look after you.”

“I know. But still, thanks.”

I squeezed his hand. “Anytime.”

We walked silently for a while, and before I knew it, we had reached my room. Letting go of his hand and walking towards the door, I turned back to him with a frown. “Are you sure you’re going to be okay? I can stay with you for a while longer if you need me.”

He laughed slightly. “I’m fine, Pops. I feel great, honest. I can find something to keep me busy until Ree wakes up. You need to get some more sleep.”

“Alright. Just… let me know if you need me, okay?”

“I will. I love you, Dee.”

“I love you too.”

Slipping inside my room, I closed the door behind me and locked it with a quiet click. Leaning against the door, I let out a soft sigh and the smile fell from my face. As much as I appreciated Anxiety looking out for me, his fussing and questions had left me more drained than I had expected. Or perhaps that was remnant from my conversation with Wrath earlier. I wasn’t entirely sure, but I knew that I was already emotionally exhausted, and I had a full day ahead of me. _Shit. I guess that’s what I get for not sleeping much. Okay, I can do this. It’s okay. Just take a deep breath. One thing at a time. What’s the next thing I need to do today?_

I glanced at my bed for a moment, contemplating sleep, but in the end I shrugged it off. Even if I wanted to sleep, I doubted I could. Most of last night had been me crying and staring at the ceiling, trying and failing to fall asleep, and I had a feeling this attempt would end the same way. Instead, I walked over to my desk and sank into the chair with a weary sigh. Taking off my gloves and setting my hat to the side, I opened my laptop and began scrolling through articles on depression. It seemed that no matter how hard I tried to drive Logic’s words from my head, they remained ever stuck, determined to haunt my every waking moment.

“‘Emotional and psychological trauma can be caused by both one-off and ongoing events. Whenever a person experiences a traumatic event, they can have a variety of emotional responses as a result. Some responses include: numbness, changing emotions such as shock, denial, guilt or self-blame, extreme sadness and crying, mood changes such as irritability, anxiety, tension, negativity, gloom and disinterest, difficulty concentrating, repeating memories or bad dreams about the event, distress when something reminds you of the event, not socialising, staying away from people, strained personal relationships, physical symptoms such as unexplained aches and pains, nausea, extreme tiredness or loss of energy, changes in eating or sleeping, and increased use of alcohol or drugs,’” I read softly, my brow furrowed with worry. “Shit. That sounds familiar. Too familiar. ‘Many of these feelings are a normal part of grieving and recovering from any trauma, but sometimes these feelings go on for a long time (more than a few weeks). They can begin to get in the way of your daily life, and may lead to depression or anxiety.’ Great. Just what I need in my life. ‘Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) can occur after you have been through a traumatic event, that is, something terrible and scary that you have seen or that happens to you. It can also occur if you learn that the traumatic event occurred to someone close to you. Most people have some stress-related reactions after a traumatic event, but not everyone gets PTSD. If your reactions don't go away and these feelings are disrupting your life, you may have PTSD. Many symptoms of depression and anxiety overlap with the symptoms of PTSD. For example, in both PTSD and depression, you may have trouble sleeping or keeping your mind focused, lose pleasure or interest in things you used to enjoy, drink more alcohol or take more drugs, and avoid other people. It’s quite possible to experience PTSD along with depression or anxiety.’ Fuck. Please tell me I don’t have depression _and_ PTSD. One of them is more than enough to deal with. I don’t need to be attacked on both sides.”

But the more I thought about it, the more it made sense. Yeah, I was pretty sure by now that I had depression. It matched with how I was feeling, and as I had no other logical reason for feeling this way, it was probably safe to assume that I was correct. But depression wouldn’t explain why I felt so on-edge around Logic the other day. It wouldn’t explain why his closeness and physical contact made me freak out the way I did. But PTSD would.

_God-fucking-damnit. I don’t need this right now! I have way too much on my mind to be dealing with this shit. But… like it or not, this is just the way things are. I can’t run from this anymore. I have a problem, and now I need to figure out what steps I need to take to solve it. It’ll obviously take some time to get things together, but at least now I know what’s wrong. At least now I can put a name to the things I’ve been feeling._

Getting to my feet, I began to pace my room anxiously, my mind running a mile a minute. _The PTSD must be from my ex. That’s the only traumatic experience I’ve ever had, and it makes sense. He was… awful. God, don’t think about it now, Dee. It’s okay. You’re safe. He’s not going to hurt you or anyone else ever again. Except… what if he does? Oh God. I really hope he doesn’t. He wouldn’t hurt... No. No, it’s fine. Everything’s fine. He seemed fine. He didn’t seem hurt. I can’t think like that. He’s strong. He can take care of himself._ Letting out a breath, I ran my fingers through my hair and let the slightly curly locks fall over my eyes. _If my ex is the cause, then it would make sense why intimacy scares me so much. That would explain why being so close to Logic caused me to go into a panic attack. Oh God, Logic. He’s probably worried about me. I mean, if he cares, which I think he does. I don’t know. Why would he care about me? I’m nothing special. Still, I shouldn’t have just run off without warning. I have to make it up to him._

At the thought of Logic, I felt butterflies fluttering in my stomach and a light blush colored my cheeks. _Why do I feel like this? I can’t possibly…. No!_ Shoving those thoughts aside, I shook my head, hoping to shake some sense into my brain while I was at it. _Stop it! Don’t think like that. If anything, it’s just a stupid crush, and I doubt it’s even that. I’m just not used to all this attention and it’s messing with my head. Yes, that’s it. That’s all this is._

Sighing, I brushed my bangs from my face and glanced at the clock, blinking in surprise when I found it read 6:07. _Already? It doesn’t feel like that much time has passed. How did I waste two hours researching depression? Ugh. No matter. It’s about time I went to make breakfast for everyone, anyway. Remus will be getting up soon, and I’m sure Anx is getting hungry. I can think about all this later. For now, I need to focus on what really matters: my family._

Glancing at my hat and gloves, I hesitated over whether or not I should put them back on. I was almost tempted to just let them be, but instead I threw them on with a sigh, pausing to adjust my capelet before I left my room and walked to the kitchen. I could hear the TV playing in the background, and glancing over, I caught a glimpse of wild curly hair peeking up from over the back of the couch. I smiled softly. _Remus. I had a feeling he would be up._

I let my mind wander as I made us all breakfast sandwiches. At this point, I had grown so accustomed to making food that I barely needed to focus at all on what I was doing. It was second nature. I fixed Remus’s with deodorant sauce and Anxiety’s with extra cheese, setting them on the table, which I noted had already been set, smiling softly. _My boys. They’re so good, doing things without me even having to ask them. I’m lucky to have them in my life._

Ducking into the living room, I found Anxiety had joined Remus, sitting on the back of the couch and gazing at the TV screen. Remus had changed position and was now sitting upside down, his head dangling a few inches from the floor as he laughed at something one of the characters had said.

“Breakfast’s ready,” I called before slipping back into the kitchen.

I could hear the scrambling of two pairs of feet rushing into the dining room and grinned in spite myself. Grabbing Jealousy’s plate, I ducked down the hall and began the walk to his room. 

As I walked up and down a random staircase that had appeared overnight, I sighed and shook my head. _Why do we even need a staircase? Our rooms are all on the same floor, unlike the Lightside’s. There is no need for this._ Sighing once again, I simply shrugged it off. I had learned long ago not to question something that made no sense, especially in our house. Things just didn’t make sense and there was nothing more to it than that.

I pondered whether or not I should join the others for breakfast or stay for a while with Jealousy before deciding to visit with him. It had been a while since we had really gotten to talk, and I had no idea how much longer he had left, so I had to make the most of the time we did have. I wasn’t hungry anyway.

Arriving at his door, I stepped inside and closed the door, setting the plate with his sandwich on the side table before taking a seat in one of the chairs next to his bed. He was fast asleep, curled up on his side with a blanket wrapped tightly around him. I was questioning whether or not to wake him up, but I decided to wait. He looked so… peaceful. It had been a while since I had seen him so at ease, not in pain, not worried, not thoughtful, just peaceful. I studied the way his eyelashes delicately brushed his pale, colorless cheek, observed the way his lips twitched slightly in his sleep, as if to curl up into a smile. A soft snore filled the room, and I smiled slightly, remembering how we used to tease him for his snoring.

Jealousy had often been the object of our teasing when we were younger. Wrath, Hatred, and I used to make fun of him quite often. It was always lighthearted fun. He had never been upset about it and had taken it all with stride. I remembered how his brother used to joke about how Jeal had the temperament of a crotchety old man, and how Wrath had compared him to a sailor who had been on the open sea for months. I couldn’t help but agree with them. Jealousy had this air about him that made you think he was much older than he was. It was hard for me to remember he was only twenty two. Sometimes he seemed even older than me, like he had lived a long time and seen many things and he was now trying to express the wisdom he had learned to those around him. 

I had always found it funny that for a side that was meant to represent Thomas’s Jealousy, Jeal wasn’t a very jealous person. He always seemed quite content with his life, and while he had definitely been more prone to jealousy in his younger years, he had never really lived up to his title, at least not as far as his personality went. However, he did his job and did it well… until we lost Hatred. Everything went downhill since then.

Jealousy’s eyes flickered open and I quickly pasted a smile on my face, greeting him softly as he sat up slowly and blinked at me.

“Dee? What are you doing here?” he asked through a yawn, rubbing his eyes wearily before reaching for the plate of food.

“I just came to bring you breakfast. Figured I’d hang around and visit with you a bit while I was at it. Why? Are you not happy to see me?” I teased.

He scratched his chin, pretending to think about it.

I huffed. “I can’t believe this! How dare yo-”

“Calm your tits, Dee Dee. Of course I’m glad to see you,” he said with a smirk.

“Fuck you.”

“No thanks. I don’t see you that way.”

“Oh my God, just stop,” I groaned, burying my face in my hands.

“Fine, fine. I’m sorry.” He raised his hands in surrender. “You know I love to tease you.”

“Yeah, and it’s incredibly annoying,” I snapped, raising my head to glare at him.

“C’mon, Dee. You know you love me,” he said, fluttering his eyelashes at me.

I shoved him lightly, a slight grin on my face. “Damn right I do. And don’t you forget it.”

He smiled. “I won’t. I promise.”

“Good.”

We were silent for a moment. Jeal finished eating his sandwich. I stared off into space, dissociating slightly. Everything just felt a little fuzzy, and I had trouble focusing on even the slightest things. _Probably from not getting enough sleep,_ I thought distantly. I noticed Jealousy was staring at me and I bit the inside of my cheek, snapping myself out of it.

“Did you say something?” I asked.

“No, it’s just… are you… are you okay, Dee?”

I blinked at that. “Of course I am. Why wouldn’t I be?”

“You just seem really off today. Are you sure everything’s alright? Is there anything I can do to help?”

 _Even Jeal’s starting to notice,_ I thought, and my chest ached. _He never worries like this. It’s not like him. Shit. I really need to get it together._ “I’m fine, Jeal,” I said reassuringly. “I just didn’t get much sleep last night, is all. How are _you_ doing? You’re the one we should be worrying about.”

He scoffed at this. “Please, we both know I’m not long for this world. I’m on my fucking deathbed. Of course I’m not going to be alright. But I don’t give a damn about that right now. You must think I’m a stupid son of a bitch if you think I can’t see through that lie in a half a second. I can tell something’s bothering you, Dee. Drop the bullshit and just tell me.”

I growled in frustration, my anger finally getting the better of me. “What is _wrong_ with you all?! I said I’m _fine_ , damnit. I don’t know why you’re all acting so damn protective all of a sudden, but I don’t appreciate it in the slightest. I’m _not_ some fucking glass ornament that you need to shelter from the world. I’m _not_ fragile, I’m _not_ weak, I’m _not_ pathetic. I don’t get why you can’t just take the damn hint and _drop_ _it_.”

“I never said you were,” he said softly, and all my anger vanished in an instant, leaving me feeling hollowed out and tired. “You’re right. You’re not fraile. You’re not weak. You’re not pathetic. But you _are_ human, and humans need help from others every now and then. I know something is wrong, Dee. I’m not stupid. Please, just tell me what’s going on, and maybe I can help. _Please_. It’s the least I can do for you. You’ve always been there for me. Let me return the favor for once.”

Sighing, I scrubbed my face wearily. “Jeal, I understand. You’re worried. You’re afraid that I’m bottling up some dangerous emotions that will hurt me in the future. I get it. But I am speaking honestly when I say that I’m okay. I’m tired, I’m stressed out, I’m overworked and way too busy. I’m trying to balance my purpose with raising my sons and taking care of you. I’m bound to be tired and a little out of it. But I promise that that’s all there is to it. There’s no medical emergency, no emotional distress, and no mental issues to address. I’m just… I’m really tired. I just need a break, in all honesty, but I can’t afford one right now. And that’s okay. I’ll make it through and eventually I’ll catch a break. I just have a lot going on at once that I’m trying to deal with. That’s it. I promise.”

He frowned, but didn’t say anything else. I wanted to scream. _Why can’t people just trust me?! Am I that untrustworthy? I know that they know me as Deceit, but I don’t always lie. I mean… I guess I am kinda lying this time, but that doesn’t mean I always am! And I really am fine. I just need some time to figure out how to deal with my mental health, and right now it’s kind of difficult because I have a lot going on. I’ll figure it out and I’ll be fine in no time. They’re all stressing out over nothing._

“I have to get going,” I said shortly.

He sighed. “Dee…”

Getting to my feet, I grabbed his plate and cup before heading to the door. “Goodbye Jealousy.’

“Dee, wait.”

I closed the door behind me a bit harder than I had meant to. I wasn’t angry, honestly. I was just tired and frustrated and done with everyone’s shit. Was that really so bad? Was it wrong to wish everyone would just mind their own business for one goddamn minute? I didn’t know, and in that moment, I didn’t really care. It wasn’t that I didn’t _want_ to care, I just couldn’t. I couldn’t feel much of anything, anymore.

The bitter chill of the Subconscious cut through my many layers of clothing like a knife. Pulling my cloak tighter around my shoulders, I rubbed my gloved hands together for warmth, my breath clouding around me as I went through the same old steps I always did. Any selfish desires that were new to Thomas came out as golden tears from my snake eye to be collected, recorded, and sent to the Lightside for processing. I filed away any desires that had been rejected, which was most of them, and checked over all the orbs to make sure they were undamaged and uncorrupted. It was like clockwork, this job. My movements were slow, measured, mechanical. I knew exactly what I was doing and didn’t really have to focus too hard on any specific thing, but I found that I didn’t want to get lost in thought this time. My mind had been a dangerous place lately, and I would much rather focus on every minute detail before me than open that can of worms again.

I was checking over Thomas’s childhood selfish thoughts for any flaws or inconsistencies, rewatching the memories and making sure they were correct, when I felt the atmosphere in the Subconscious change significantly. It felt almost as if there was a shift in the direction of the wind, but there was no wind to be shifting. All I knew was that there were suddenly chills crawling up my spine that hadn’t been there before, and an uneasy feeling in my stomach that wouldn’t go away. Rubbing my arms to try and regain feeling in them, I shook my head, certain that I was just imagining things. Turning back to the memories, I reached out to grab the next one.

“Deceit…?”

I whirled around in an instant, my heart skipping a beat when I realized that standing a few feet away was Logic. _Shitshitshitshitshitshitshitshitshit._ Before he could say anything else, I practically tackled him, grabbing him and dragging him out of the Subconscious as quickly as I could. I stumbled twice in my eagerness to get him out of the room, nearly throwing him against the wall as I frantically closed the Subconscious doors behind us. My breath coming out in short gasps, I turned to Logic and grabbed him by the chin, forcing him to look me in the eye as I searched for any flickers of gold in his pupils. After nearly a moment of him awkwardly standing there, his face pink as I stared into his eyes with an alarming amount of scrutiny, I let him go.

Slumping back against the wall, I put a hand to my chest, trying to calm the frantic beat of my heart. “Thank God… thank God,” I murmured softly to myself.

“Deceit, are you quite alright? What was that all about?” Logic asked, staring at me in confusion and concern.

I stared at him for a moment, looking a little cold and wary, but otherwise unaffected, and cursed his ignorance. “Are you fucking stupid?”

He blinked. “What?”

“Logan, do you have any idea what you nearly did?! What could have happened to you?!”

“I… no. What… what are you talking about?” He seemed genuinely scared now.

I pinched the bridge of my nose and groaned. “You’ve got to be kidding me.” Huffing a sigh, I fought the urge to bash my head against the wall and instead looked him in the eye. “Logic, I want you to listen to me carefully, because I’m going to say this once. _Never_ go into any unfamiliar room in the Darkside without the permission and knowledge of me or Anxiety. You have no idea how dangerous and stupid that was. You could have-” I choked slightly, swallowing hard. “Just… don’t do it again, okay?”

“Understood. What was that room, exactly? What about it is so dangerous?”

“That is the Subconscious.”

Logic’s eyes widened. “The Subconscious?”

“Yes. It is a place that harbors Thomas’s deepest, darkest, most selfish desires. It is where I complete my purpose. And it is _extremely_ dangerous. I have watched sides _die_ from the affects of the room, whether it be from the temperature or the affects of the room itself. I have witnessed sides become so corrupted and twisted that they became something else entirely. I’ve had to-” My breath caught in my throat. “I’ve had to _put sides down_ because they were too corrupted to exist without being in immense pain and causing Thomas extreme harm. Believe me when I say I do not wish the same fate for you.”

Logic, it seemed, had the common sense to look alarmed and apologetic, which was a relief. “I am so sorry, Deceit. I did not mean to cause you any distress. Quite the opposite, in fact. I realize now that it was incredibly idiotic and reckless to follow you without your knowledge. I will not do it again, I promise.”

I let out a sigh of relief. “Good. Just… good. Thank you.”

He frowned. “Are you alright? You’re shaking.”

Logic reached over to take my hands in his, but I pulled away before he could touch me. “I… I’m fine. Just… just give me a moment.”

He nodded. Closing my eyes, I took a few deep breaths, trying to calm my anxiety before it could manifest into a full-blown attack. When I opened my eyes, my breathing had evened out significantly, but I was still shaking pretty bad. _It’s fine. I’m fine. Just keep breathing. Everything’s going to be alright._

Turning to Logic, I asked the one question that was really bothering me. “What are you doing here anyway? You never sent a message alerting your arrival.”

He seemed slightly embarrassed, his cheeks a light pink. “I… I am sorry. I just… after the night before, I wished to apologize for making you uncomfortable and ensure that you were alright. I entered the Darkside and followed you in hopes of talking to you alone and making sure you knew how terribly sorry I am for the events that happened. I realize now that it was quite stupid and ignorant. I should have let you know my plan instead of coming here unannounced.”

I smiled slightly at that. “It’s okay, Logic. Really. I’m sorry about last night, too. I… I don’t know what happened. I just felt unwell all of a sudden, and I figured it would be better to leave the situation before it got worse. It’s not your fault, honestly. I am feeling quite well now. Thank you for worrying about me, but I assure you that everything is okay. You did nothing wrong. And next time, just let me know before you come here, okay? I appreciate the visit, but I would rather know ahead of time so that we don’t have another scare like this. The Darkside isn’t necessarily the safest place to be, especially for a lightside. You really need to be more careful.”

“I will, I promise.”

“Thank you.”

We shared a smile for a moment before my anxiety spiked once more.

“Are you feeling alright? Do you feel anything unusual? I don’t think you were corrupted, but sometimes the signs aren’t as obvious.”

“I am feeling adequate, thank you. I have not seen any sign of damage to my physical or mental state as a result of exposure to the Subconscious,” he assured me.

“Okay. If you begin to notice anything off, anything at all, please let me know, alright? It’s… odd. No one has ever been able to enter the Subconscious without being affected to some degree. I don’t know why you weren’t.”

“Perhaps it is because I encompass the left side of the brain, much like you do. The Subconscious seems especially impactful to sides with emotional connection to material things, and as I do not feel such things as strongly, I may be immune to the effects of the Subconscious,” he suggested.

“Maybe… but I still don’t want you going anywhere near the Subconscious. If this theory is incorrect, you could still be hurt, killed, or corrupted from entering, and I don’t want to risk that.”

“Of course. I completely agree. I… I was wondering… Deceit, could we just talk for a while? I would like to ensure that you truly are okay, and it would be nice to discuss more with you.”

I hesitated. “I really need to get some work done. If I don’t…” I bit my lip. “We can talk after I finish working if you would like to spend time with Anxiety and Remus in the meantime.”

“Satisfactory. I will see you then.”

I watched as Logic turned heel and walked down the hall, offering a small smile over his shoulder as he left. After he disappeared from sight, I collapsed against the wall, my heart rate speeding up once more. Placing a hand over my chest and trying to follow one of Anxiety’s breathing exercises, I stared at the floor blankly, trying to collect myself. My mind ran wild with all the thoughts of what could have happened to Logic had I not seen him. What might have happened if he hadn’t been immune like we thought. I stood there for a moment, trying to wrestle my thoughts back under control, and once the room stopped spinning, I stood up straight and reentered the Subconscious. _Focus, Dee. Logan's fine. It’s time to get back to work._

When I exited the Subconscious, the huge metal doors closing and sealing behind me, I found Logic waiting outside for me. He had a bruise forming on one cheek, likely from Remus getting into trouble, and he seemed overall jostled, his hair falling messily over his eyebrow and his clothes slightly wrinkled, but he still smiled brightly as I met his eye. I felt my heart beat speed up once more, but this time it was for a different reason. _God, his smile. I never realized how much a smile could light up a room._

He offered me his arm, and after a moment of hesitation, I took it. My hand tucked into the crook of his arm, we began to walk leisurely around the Darkside, talking about this and that. Logic brought up a few theories that he had been looking into involving the structure of the mind palace, which were quite fascinating. I regaled him with the tales of Remus’s latest misadventures, which seemed to amuse him. Before I knew it, we were laughing and joking around like old friends. I found that Logic was actually quite funny, and his company was extremely enjoyable. When he reached down to take my hand in his, I didn’t even flinch. I just intertwined my fingers with his.

“Deceit?” he asked suddenly.

“Hmmm?” My gaze flickered to his, the sound of his low, steady voice snapping me out of my thoughts, which I was grateful for. They were beginning to trail into dangerous territory.

“Could I… could I meet the other darksides? I know that many of them might not be willing to meet me, or in the very least, they might not be civil about it, but I know there must be more than just you, Anxiety, and Remus who would be willing to hear me out.”

I thought about it for a moment. “Well… I suppose you could meet Jealousy, but he has to agree to meet you first. I don’t know if he’ll feel up for it, and I don’t want to force him to do anything he doesn’t want to do.”

“Of course. I would love to talk to him if he is able and willing.”

“Okay then. Let’s go.”

As we walked through the halls of the Darkside, taking each twist and turn with stride, I could feel Logic grow more and more anxious the longer we walked. He was nervous, and I didn’t really blame him. Jealousy was quite the character, and the poor side had no idea what he was about to get himself into. I knew that Logic was worried about making a good first impression and making sure Jealousy was okay with him, but I was more worried about what on earth Jealousy might say to him. Jeal didn’t have much of a filter, and while he didn’t exactly have a vendetta against the lightsides, he wasn’t their biggest fan either. I had no idea how this was going to go. So I just squeezed his hand reassuringly and kept all my concerns to myself.

There was also the fact of my fight with Jealousy from earlier this morning, but I was trying to ignore that fact. As long as I didn’t acknowledge it, it was like it never happened.

When we arrived at the door, I had Logic wait outside while I talked to Jealousy. I wanted to apologize for my actions earlier and make sure that he was okay to meet the lightside before anything else. Opening the door, I found Jealousy staring at me with wide eyes, and managed a weak smile.

“Dee?”

“Hey, Jeal. Look, I’m-”

“I’m sorry about earlier,” he interrupted.

I blinked at him. “What? Why are you sorry? You didn’t do anything wrong. I overreacted. That was all my fault, not yours.”

“No, it was mine too. I kept pushing you even though I knew that it would only make things worse. As hard as I try, I can’t force you to tell me anything, and all I was doing was pushing you away. I just have to trust that you’ll tell me if something’s wrong. I’m sorry.”

“Hey, it’s okay. I’m sorry too. I shouldn’t have snapped at you like I did.”

“I deserved it, but thanks.”

Walking over, I hugged him tight, and he returned the embrace. After a moment, I let go and stepped back, and his hearty grin returned.

“So, to what do I owe the pleasure of this visit? I figured I wouldn’t see you until dinner, in the very least.”

“Well…” I rubbed the back of my neck sheepishly. _Here goes nothing._ “Would you care to meet Thomas’s logical side?”

He blinked at me. “What?”

“He wanted to meet you, if you were willing.”

Jealousy’s eyes narrowed suspiciously. “Why?”

“Calm down, Jeal. Logic’s really an honest guy. He just wants to get to know us better and make up for past wrongs. Believe me, I’ve double and triple checked. He doesn’t have any ill will against us. I would know.”

He thought about it for a moment before shrugging. “Sure. I’ll meet the guy.”

“Great! Just… please stay on your best behavior, Jeal.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m always on my best behavior.”

“If only,” I muttered, shaking my head.

Heading for the door, I opened it wide to find Logic’s surprised gaze meeting mine. Gesturing inside, I asked, “You coming?”

He nodded. “Of course.”

As Logic stepped in the room, I held my breath, wondering what Jealousy might say or do.

“Salutations. I am Logan, Thomas’s logical side. It is a pleasure to meet you.”

“Likewise. Please, take a seat. Make yourself comfortable,” Jealousy replied, sounding surprisingly sincere.

I blinked at him. _Since when is he ever this civil?_

“Thank you,” Logic said before taking a seat next to Jeal’s bed. “You are Thomas’s jealousy, correct? Is there any name you would prefer to be called by, or do you prefer to be called by your title?”

“If it’s all the same with you, I would like to be called Jealousy, thank you.”

“Certainly.”

Glancing between the two of them in surprise, I felt a small smile come to my face as I sat next to Logic. He grinned warmly and I felt my cheeks heat up slightly, although I did my best to hide it. I looked to Jealousy, who was watching us with a strange look in his eyes and a slight smirk on his face.

“Logan, can you tell me a bit about yourself? I’m curious about what it’s like over in the Lightside.”

“Well, to be frank, it’s an utter hellhole.”

Jeal barked a laugh and I stared at Logic, my mouth opened slightly at that.

“Morality is manipulative and controlling, and Ro- Creativity is blind to any flaws in the perfect little bubble he resides in. I actually quite prefer it here, if I am being honest. It can be quite suffocating, living with those two. But I must stay, for Creativity’s sake. I refuse to leave him alone with Morality, for fear of his own safety.”

“I figured as much,” Jealousy nodded.

“I… didn’t realize you were so miserable there,” I murmured.

Logic waved it off. “I may be overexaggerating a bit. The point is, it is not home. Not for me. As for information about me, there is not much to tell. I enjoy reading, writing, organizing, and planning. In my spare time, when I am not working, I am creating a life management system to help Thomas maximize his productivity and achieve a higher level of satisfaction with his life, but it is still a work in progress at the moment.”

“Sounds familiar,” Jeal muttered under his breath, and I discreetly elbowed him in the ribs, glaring at him as he snorted. 

“I look after Creativity and help him the best I can, and I visit here to spend time with Remus, Anxiety, and Deceit,” Logic finished.

“Why do you visit?” he asked.

“At the beginning, I visited to make sure Remus was okay. I was completely unaware of Morality’s abusive behavior until it was too late, and I wanted to ensure that he was happy, healthy, and being taken care of, and I was relieved to find that he had a new family who was there for him in ways I could never be. However, I grew to realize that many of the preconceived notions I had of the darksides were false, and I wished to remedy that. So I asked Deceit if he would allow me to visit again and meet other darksides, get to know them for who they were and not what Morality had told me. I want to help erase the prejudice and bitterness between us, and maybe one day, help us achieve peace in the mind palace.”

Jealousy stared at Logic for a second, and I felt my heart beat faster. I had no idea what was going on in his head, and it scared me. _Please don’t say anything bad. Please don’t hurt him. Please just give him a chance._ My worries appeared to be for nothing, however, as a huge lopsided grin came over Jeal’s face.

“That’s truly admirable. I mean, I think it’s a waste of your time, but really, it is admirable. If you somehow manage to convince those bastards to accept us as we are and end this stupid bullshit rivalry, that’s great, but I’m not getting my hopes up. ‘Sides, I won’t be around to see it.”

I wanted to protest, but all my words died on the tip of my tongue. I couldn’t deny it. There was only truth to what Jealousy said. My chest ached and I wanted to hide under the covers and never come out, but I forced myself to instead smile and change the subject.

“Jeal, why don’t you tell Logic a bit about yourself?” I suggested, my voice thin and strained.

His face became illuminated, and he began regaling Logic with tales of his youth, no doubt with fabrications and hyperboles all over the place. Usually I would correct them and scold him for lying, but suddenly everything felt fuzzy and blurred, and I found that I could no longer hear a word he was saying. It was as if I had been wearing glasses and they had suddenly fallen off of my face, how little I could see, and it felt like my ears had been stuffed with cotton, how little I could hear. Everything became a mix of colors and shapes with blurred edges and a kaleidoscope of color flashed in front of my eyes, and I could barely make out the muffled tones of Jealousy and Logic in the background, apparently having an in-depth conversation about something. I could feel pain blossoming in my chest and growing bigger and stronger by the second. 

All of a sudden my heart began to pound and I felt lightheaded. My eyes began to glow a bright gold and the world shifted and I could feel my body falling as dark spots dancing in front of my vision, threatening to consume me. I closed my eyes, begging for it all to end, for the pain and the darkness to either swallow me whole, or leave me be.

When I managed to crack my eyes open, I saw Logic’s deep blue eyes staring down at me, concern and panic written all over his face. I realized in an instant that his arms were around my waist and I was pressed against him tight, but I was too out of it to really care. It didn’t matter in the moment, anyway. All that mattered were the words leaving my tongue to stand alone in the silent, tense room. The words that would change everything in an instant.

“Remus. It’s Remus.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for reading! I really appreciate all the love and support I've gotten from this series. I just want to thank you all for everything you do for me. You are what motivates me to get up in the morning, so thank you. Take care and I'll see you in the next chapter. And I'm sorry. The angst only gets stronger from here. Love you all!
> 
> ~Your Fellow Fander


	20. Deceit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The angst continues! >:D   
> But it has a happy ending though, so don't stress too bad. 
> 
> ...Or does it?!

I rushed out of the room, Logic right on my heels, and began sprinting towards the commons. My feet pounding against the cold, uneven cobblestone floor and my breath coming out in short gasps, I tried not to think too much, but the thoughts were raging inside my head, one pessimistic, terrifying thought after another in an endless barrage of paranoia. It had been so long since I had sensed another side in danger, probably since Anxiety’s attack last month, but I hadn’t forgotten the feeling, and it was just as bad as I remembered. It felt like a million nerves were strapped down to an electric chair and being zapped within an inch of their life, and that thought alone only reminded me more of my son. My son, who was in danger. My son, who I had to save before it was too late.  _ I can’t fail him. I can’t. I can’t let him go. I can’t lose him. Hurry. Hurry, hurry, hurry. Don’t fail him. Don’t lose him. I can’t lose him. _

Stumbling into the commons, I managed to skid to a stop without crashing into the couch or any of the furniture, while Logic wasn’t nearly as fortunate, and ended up hitting his hip on the coffee table. He didn’t make a noise of complaint, though, and his face was as serious as the grave as he watched me, awaiting instructions. Anxiety raised an eyebrow at our display from where he was lounging on the armchair, his headphones in and playing full blast. His lips curled into a smirk, and he began to make a comment asking where the fire was, but when he saw the frightened, concerned, resolute expressions on our faces, his guard went up immediately. He quickly sat up and took off his headphones when he realized what was going on, taking everything in stride as I began barking orders left and right.

“Anx, guide Logan to the grey corridor while I help Remus.”

“Yes, sir,” he agreed.

“No. I cannot leave. If Remus is in trouble then I have to be there. I have to hel-”

I turned and fixed him with an intense stare, my eyes glowing gold. “You don’t want to see what Remus’s episodes look like. I don’t want you to see them. Just go home. I’ll take care of him.”

Before Logic could say a word in reply, I was already sprinting down the hall that led to Remus’s room, already racing for his door with my heart pounding much too fast and my thoughts tumbling around inside my head like a washing machine. All I could think about was the last time I had felt  _ this  _ bad. The time I lost Hatred for good. The time I failed him, all because I wasn’t fast enough, wasn’t strong enough, wasn’t good enough. Digging my heels in, I ran faster.  _ I won’t fail. I won’t fail. I can’t fail. I can’t lose him. Faster. Faster, faster, faster, faster. _

I reached Remus’s door very quickly, which was a relief, but my gut was still churning at the thought that I might be too late. With my heart hammering in my throat, I threw open the door and rushed inside. It was not as I had imagined things would be while rushing over here. There was no pitch black room with an air of unease and fear, no dramatic music playing in the background or piercing silence stifling me, no great evil standing over my son with a weapon outstretched. The wild fantasies that had filled my head and haunted my dreams were very different from the scene before me.

A small figure sat in the middle of the brightly lit room, hunched over in a little ball with his back to me, reminding me so much of the first day I had laid eyes on him. The day I had almost lost him. I saw a glint of silver in the light and my heart stopped beating for a moment.

Rushing across the room at a breakneck speed, I kneeled by Remus’s side and wrestled the blade from his hands, my gaze trailing from the glassy, empty look in my son’s eyes to the bleeding gashes carved deep into his arms. I felt my chest constrict painfully and tears gather in my eyes, but I blinked them back, refusing to let them fall.  _ Not now, Dee. This is not about you! This is about Remus. You need to focus. You need to help him. You need to save him. Don’t let your emotions get in the way. _

Helping Remus to his feet, I rushed him to the bathroom, half dragging him and half carrying him as he stared numbly into the distance. He wouldn’t meet my eye. He wouldn’t look at me at all. In fact, I wasn’t sure he even knew I was there. I wasn’t sure he had any idea what was going on or what he had done. He seemed so lost, like he was in his own little world. It scared me, seeing him like that. My heart ached and I just wanted to take his pain away. I just wanted to make him feel better. I wanted to make everything okay.  _ Why does he have to go through this? Why can’t I take this pain away from him? If I could take all his pain and put it on myself instead, I would do it in a heartbeat. But I can’t. I can’t make it better. I can’t take this away. I can’t do anything. All I can do is stand aside and watch my son suffer. All I can see is the cycle repeat again because I wasn’t strong enough to put an end to it from the start. I failed him. _

I had him sit on the edge of the bathtub as I gathered all the materials necessary to clean and bandage his wounds, feeling an intense sense of deja vu.  _ It happened again. I promised I would keep him safe. I promised I wouldn’t let him get hurt. And I failed him. This is all my fault. I wasn’t strong enough to protect him. I wasn’t fast enough to stop him from getting hurt. I wasn’t good enough to keep him from going down this path again. I wasn’t enough. _

It hurt. It hurt to see him like this. It hurt to see him in pain. It hurt hearing those thoughts in my head. But above all, it hurt because I knew it was right. The voices in my head, as much as they might lie to me, weren’t lying this time. I promised to protect my son. I failed. And now he was hurt and it was all my fault. There was nothing more to it.

As I knelt before him, warm washcloth in hand, and began gently scrubbing his wounds clean, I tried to meet his eye once more, but his gaze remained fixed on the floor, unflinching. He seemed to be in shock, completely unaware of his surroundings and this situation in its entirety. I had no idea what was going on in his head, but I hoped that he was okay and that he would snap out of it soon. It scared me not knowing what was going on. It scared me not knowing what to do to help. It scared me not being in control.

As I disinfected and dried off the cuts, he remained in the same stunned daze as before, but when I began to bandage his arms up, he seemed to stir slightly. Remus blinked slowly, the glassy sheen to his eyes clearing slightly, and his gaze went from his arms to my serious, worried face, and I saw fear, horror, and sorrow flash across his face in an instant. I tied off the bandages as gently as I could, sitting on my heels, but just as I opened my mouth to speak, Remus burst into tears. I stared, shocked, as he sobbed into his hands, murmuring apology after apology like a broken record. Taking his hands in mine, I gently reached up and cupped his chin, forcing him to look me in the eye.

“What on Earth are you sorry for?” I asked softly.

“I-I’m sorry I ff-failed you,” he choked. “I pp-promised I w-would stop, and I tried, I r-really did. I kn-know you worry about me, and I dd-didn’t mean to, honest, but once I s-started, I couldn’t stop!”

“Shhh,” I wiped his tears away with my thumb before planting a kiss on his forehead. “It’s okay, Remus. Everything’s alright. I’m not mad, I promise. I know you tried to stop. This isn’t your fault. I should have kept a better eye on you and been there when you needed me. It’s alright. Just keep breathing, okay? Everything’s going to be okay.”

“O-okay,” Remus sniffled. “I-I’ll try.”

Suddenly, the door flew open, and I whirled around as Logic burst into the bathroom, Anxiety following a few feet after him with a slight grimace on his face. I stood, and after a second of internal deliberation, backed up, letting Logic kneel by his side and comfort Remus, who had begun crying once more. Anxiety stood in the doorway, hovering nervously, and I shot him a look before motioning for him to leave the room. He did so, and I followed after him, giving Logic and Remus some space to breathe. I stood in the center of the room, arms crossed over my chest and a stern look on my face, while Anx slouched against the wall and stared at the corner of the slightly frayed carpet.

“Why is he still here?” I demanded, my voice a quiet hiss.

Anxiety put his hands up in surrender, his head bowed low. “He insisted that he wanted to help Remus. He’s very persuasive.”

I sighed. “Anx…”

“I know, I’m sorry! I know you said to take him to the grey corridor, and I tried, but he’s impossible! He threatened to run off on his own if I didn’t take him to Remus’s room, and I knew you would be even angrier if he got lost or hurt on my watch, so I did it. I’m sorry.”

Rubbing my temple, I felt the anger in my chest deflate. “I know. It’s okay, Anx. I don’t blame you for doing what you did. I just… I didn’t want Logic to see this. I managed to calm Remus down for the most part, but with Logan here, I’m not sure if it’ll make him feel better or worse.”

“What happened? Is Ree okay?” Anxiety asked worriedly.

“He’s alright now. He… he cut himself again. It was pretty bad, but with him being in his room, he should heal faster this time than he did the last. I just…” I sighed again. “I don’t know what to do to help him. I know that this isn’t something that’s just going to go away. It’s a habit that he’ll have to break overtime. But… I just don’t know. I wish there was more I could do. I don’t want him in pain, but it’s just…”

I felt a reassuring hand on my shoulder and glanced up to see Anx smiling warmly at me, giving my arm a gentle squeeze. 

“It’s going to be okay, Pops,” he reminded me. “You helped me through this, remember? If you did it once, you can do it again. And I can help. I can keep an eye on him and make sure he’s doing okay. You don’t have to do this alone, you know.”

I put my hand over his and squeezed back.

“Thank you, Anx. I… It really means a lot.”

“Anytime.”

I breathed a sigh of relief, feeling some of the panic that had been clawing its way up my throat subside.

“Now, did I hear you correctly? Did you call him  _ Logan? _ When did  _ that _ happen?” he teased.

The panic was back.

“Shut up.” I shoved him playful as he snickered at the blush coloring my cheeks.

We both stood quietly and listened as Remus’s cries grew quieter, Logic’s low, calming voice traveling through the air, murmuring soft assurances and gentle instructions to help him calm down more. Strangely, even the statistics he offered were reassuring, reminding Remus that many people struggled to overcome addiction, whether it be to drugs, alcohol, self-harm, or others, and that he had so many people behind him who would help him push through this. I couldn’t help the slight smile that traced my lips as he spoke, although I did my best to hide it whenever Anxiety happened to glance my way.

“Alright, I’ll admit it. Logic’s doing a pretty good job of taking care of Remus. I’m… I’m pretty glad he’s here. However, I’m still upset at you for disobeying orders, Anxiety, and we’ll talk about it later.”

Anx sighed. “I know.”

I nudged him with my hip and he leaned into me, letting me wrap my arm around him as the both of us stood and watched Logic at work. Remembering all the times I used to rest my chin on Anxiety’s head, I glanced over at him, only to realize that he had surpassed me in height by nearly a half a foot, and frowned.

“When did this happen?” I asked crossly.

“What do you mean?” he glanced my way, eyebrow raised and slight smirk still on his face.

I gestured to the height difference, and he snorted.

“It’s not my fault you’re short,” Anx shrugged.

I blinked at him, feeling my blood begin to boil. “I am not short!”

“Keep telling yourself that, Dee.”

“I’m not!”

He just looked at me, and I felt my ears begin to burn.

“That’s it! Out, now! Before I smack you one.”

“If you can even reach me.”

“Out!”

He laughed as I swatted at him, barely missing him as he darted out the door. Poking his head back in for a moment, he asked, “What about dinner? Do you want anything?”

“No. I’m not hungry. Make something for yourself and Jealousy, okay?”

“‘Kay, Pops. Will do.”

And then, like a flash, he was gone.

I heaved a sigh, scrubbing at my face wearily. Turning, I saw Logic walk out of the bathroom, Remus asleep in his arms, and I pushed aside my exhaustion for the time being. Rushing over to his bed, I helped Logic tuck him in, making sure he was nice and warm, as he was likely still in partial shock, and heat would do him well. Taking off my hat and gloves and setting them on the bedside table, I crawled into bed next to Remus, resting my son’s head in my lap and running my fingers through his hair in calming circles. He sighed happily, leaning into my touch even in his sleep, and cuddled closer to me.

Glancing up, I saw Logic staring at us, his face conflicted and his stance hesitant, and I felt myself soften slightly. Offering him a gentle smile, I pat the bed on the other side of Remus, and he took off his tie and his shoes before quickly joining us. I leaned against the backboard, closing my eyes for a moment before gazing down at my son, focusing my gaze on the little circles I was making in his scalp with my fingers. I could feel Logic glancing at me out of the corner of his eye every now and then as he reached down and gently lifted up Remus’s sleeves to reveal fresh bandages, blood already beginning to stain the white strips red. His face puckered with worry and sorrow, and I felt what remained of the walls I had built to protect myself crumbling. They wouldn’t fall yet, though. I wouldn’t let them.

“You were supposed to leave,” I remarked in a calm, matter-of-fact tone.

“I know,” he replied softly, turning slightly to look me in the eye, and I gave in, returning his steady gaze with my own. “But I couldn’t. I couldn’t leave Remus alone when he needed help. I already…” His voice wavered for a moment, and I could see tears glimmering in his eyes as he spoke. “I already failed the boy enough times already. I won’t fail him again.”

I went silent, my mind swirling with all the people I failed over the years. A dozen faces flashed before my eyes, all smiling brightly and gazing at me with all the love and trust you could ever want. Then those faces turned, becoming pale, gaunt, scared, begging me to help them, to save them. All the people I had loved and lost, because I wasn’t strong enough. Because I wasn’t fast enough. Because I wasn’t good enough. I could see them all so clearly, it was as if they were still here, but I knew they weren’t. They were gone, and they were never coming back. All because of me.

Logan reached up and brushed a few stray locks from my eyes, and I flinched slightly at the touch.

He pulled back. “I’m sorry.”

“No, don’t be!” I said quickly, interrupting him. “It’s just…” I sighed. “It’s… it’s complicated.”

“It’s okay. I understand.”

We were silent for a moment. I gazed down at the boy in my lap, a strange expression on my face. My thoughts were running amok, a mix of so many emotions and memories that it made me want to just turn my brain off for a moment. I just wanted silence. I wanted it all to stop. I wanted to stop thinking, stop feeling, stop being, just for a moment. I could feel Logic staring at me curiously, his gaze never leaving my face, and it made my fight or flight instincts kick in for just a second. I wanted to be anywhere else but here, but I knew I couldn’t hide from this. Couldn’t hide from him.

“Penny for your thoughts.”

_ You can trust him. He cares about you. He wants to help you. Talk to him. _

“I’m just… scared. I’m so scared, Logan,” I whispered.

“Why?”

“I… There have been so many instances where someone I loved needed me, and I wasn’t able to be there soon enough and help them, and they…” My breath caught in my throat, and I forced myself to keep going. “They died. They died because I wasn’t able to help them. I wasn’t able to save them. They died because of me. Because I failed them. And I’m so scared that it’ll happen again. I’m so scared that it’ll happen to Anxiety or Remus. I’m scared I’ll fail them like I failed the others. I just… I don’t want to lose them too.”

“You won’t,” Logan assured me.

“How do you know?” I whispered, teary eyed. “How are you so certain that I won’t mess up and let him get hurt on my watch?”

Logan intertwined his fingers with mine. “Because I know you. I know you work so hard to be there and support your family any way you can. You work so hard and try your best, and that’s all that anyone could ask for. But, Deceit, you can’t expect so much from yourself.”

“W-what do you mean?”

“I mean that you are human. You’re allowed to make mistakes and mess up. That’s normal, expected even. If you didn’t I’d be concerned. You shouldn’t blame yourself for every bad thing that ever happens. That’s not healthy, and it’s not realistic. You have done nothing wrong. You care so much and you try so hard, and that’s enough.  _ You _ are enough. You are good enough just as you are, and you shouldn’t try to be someone you’re not. We all love you just as you are, flaws and all, because that’s what family does. You’re only human, and we all know that. We would never hate you or blame you for anything. You can’t do it all, and we aren’t expecting you to. You don’t have to save the world, Dee. You don’t have to prove yourself or prove your worth. You are enough.”

“Thank you,” I said softly. “You have no idea how much that means to me. For you to say that… just… thank you.”

He smiled softly. “I am only speaking the truth. There is no need to thank me for it.”

“Still, thank you.”

“You’re welcome.”

Silence filled the room, but it wasn’t stiff or stifling. It felt… right. It felt natural. It felt real. I began to feel my lack of sleep catch up to me, my eyelids fluttering and my head feeling heavy on my neck. Logic seemed equally tired, a yawn escaping him as he shifted slightly in position to get closer to Remus. I let my head fall on his shoulder, and I could have sworn the corner of his mouth curled up ever so slightly. There was just something so warm and safe about Logan that I felt drawn to. He seemed so… real. There was just something about him. I liked him. Really liked him. And I wasn’t scared to admit it anymore. I was completely enamoured by everything about him. It was terrifying and exhilarating and amazing and I didn’t know what to do about it, but at that moment, it didn’t matter. All that mattered was my head on his shoulder and his head resting utop mine, our eyes gently slipping shut and our hearts beating in synchrony as we fell asleep, our son curled up between us and our minds at ease for the first time in a long, long time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was just messing with you. It did have a happy ending.
> 
> Thank you everyone for reading! I am so grateful that you are so invested and dedicated to my writing to read it every time I post a new chapter. I appreciate all the comments and kudos you all have left so far, and I appreciate all the patience you have shown me lately as I try to balance writing multiple different things as well as deal with life and everything it has to offer. I hope you enjoyed this chapter and all future chapters to come as I slowly begin to wrap up this series. We've reached past the halfway point and are now getting closer and closer to the end, and I am so excited to get there. I hope you all will stick with me through the last ten or so chapters as I give this story an ending worth reading. Thank you so much, and I'll see you all in the next chapter.
> 
> ~Your Fellow Fander


	21. Logan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> LOCEIT! LOCEIT! LOCEIT!
> 
> (Also if you guys have any questions for the QnA, I would suggest you start leaving them in the comment section so I can collect them all. They can be questions about me, about this novel, and/or about future projects that I have planned. Ask anything, really, and I'll probably answer. Thanks again for reading! Y'all are amazing!)
> 
> But still... LOCEIT! LOCEIT! LOCEIT! LOCEIT!

The ticking of the clock seemed so much louder than it did before. Every second seemed to drag on for an eternity, almost as if time were standing still. I sat at my desk, tapping my fingers along to the slow, steady rhythm of the clock, my mind wandering every which way. The house was quiet. I could not hear Roman running around and causing trouble, although I had no doubt he was. I could not hear Patton cooking downstairs, could not hear the clang of pots and pans or beep of the oven timer, but I was sure he was there. The kitchen had become his sanctuary as of late. It was rare to find him anywhere else.

Leaning back in my chair, I stretched my arms over my head, letting out a yawn. Glancing at my computer through blurry eyes, I reached out and shut it in one quick, decisive motion. As much as I would love to get work done, it just was not going to happen. I was too tired, too unmotivated, too distracted. No matter how hard I attempted to keep myself on track, my mind always managed to wander back to the Darkside, or more specifically, Deceit.

There was something about him that I found utterly enchanting. Maybe it was the way his scales shined gold in the light, or the way his smile seemed to light up the whole room with its warmth. Maybe it was the loving glow in his eyes that seemed to radiate over everything he oversaw, from his family, to his purpose, and even the Darkside itself. Maybe it was the way he carried himself, with this air of confidence and control, as if he knew everything that could ever happen and had a strategic plan in place should the need arise. Or maybe it was the fact that I knew the confidence and control was all a facade, a mask he wore to protect himself, that drew me to him. Maybe it was that mystery, that trauma and pain that he buried deep down, that caught my attention when we first met. In truth, it was probably a combination of everything I had said and more. I found that every moment I spent with the snake-like side, the more things I grew to admire and love him for.

I blinked at that. _Love? Do… do I really love him? Is that… is that what this feeling is, what I feel every time I look at him? I… I don’t know. But… I’d like to find out._

A light blush came to my face, and in a weak attempt to distract myself, I reached in my pocket for a piece of gum, knowing the cool mint would help me focus. Instead, my fingers found something else, something quite a deal larger than a piece of gum, and I smiled as I pulled out the mysterious object, setting it on my desk gently. A leather sheath about the size of my hand sat before me, the leather stitched by hand, the elaborate image of a spaceship right out of a sci-fi movie burned into the material with painstaking detail. The ship was surrounded by the rather gorgeous display of a galaxy; the stars, planets, comets, and sun were each meticulously created to look as realistic as the night sky itself, and I couldn’t help but feel my heart swell at the sight. Out of all the gifts I had ever received, this one was truly the most personal. Reaching inside the sheath, I pulled out a knife, the blade shining as it was bathed in the light of the lamp that sat on my desk. As I turned it over in my hand, I remembered when Remus first gave it to me.

_“Logan! Logan!”_

_I glanced over my book just in time to see Remus leap at me, his eyes alight and his face wearing the biggest smile I had ever seen. I managed to put my book aside before Remus landed in my lap, knocking the breath from my lungs and wrapping me in the tightest hug I had possibly ever experienced. Reaching up to fix my glasses, I hesitantly returned the hug, unsure what his motives were. Either he was up to something, or he was just in a particularly clingy mood, and I wasn’t sure which was worse. Both could be dangerous in their own right._

_Sighing, I held him tighter, trying to return his embrace with the same rigor, although I was sure my efforts were lacking to some degree. He finally let me go, although he made no effort to vacate my lap, instead staring up at me with the brightest smile on his face, practically bouncing with excitement._

_“What appears to be the issue, Remus?” I asked._

_“Happy Father’s Day!” he exclaimed, enveloping me in yet another hug._

_I blinked in surprise, my mouth agape. “W-what?”_

_He pulled away, his face slightly flushed. “I… I said ‘Happy Father’s Day’.”_

_“Why? Patton’s the dad here. I’m… I’m not-”_

_“You are to me,” Remus said firmly._

_“I…” Instinctively, I pulled Remus in for a hug, and he was more than willing to return it, burying his face in the crook of my neck. I felt my eyes grow watery and my breath catching in my throat as this overwhelming warmth and light grew in my chest. “T-thank you, Remus. You have… no idea how much this means to me,” I said, my voice choked slightly._

_“No, I think I do,” he replied. “You don’t get the credit you deserve, Papa.”_

_I laughed, but my laughs quickly dissolved into sobs, and Remus pulled away to look at me, concern marring his features. “Are you okay, Lo? I… I’m sorry if I said anything that-”_

_“No. Don’t apologize. I’m not upset. I’m… happy. Really, really happy,” I interrupted._

_He smiled brightly. “Good. You should be.”_

_Chuckling, I ruffled his hair, watching as he squawked and batted my hand away before getting his hair back to its usually messy state. “You never cease to amaze me. Did you know that?”_

_Remus grimaced. “God, enough of this sentimental bullshit. It’s so sickeningly sweet it’s going to give me cavities. Here, take this before I change my mind.”_

_He shoved a decent sized object in my hands, and I blinked in surprise at its weight and solidity. Glancing down, I let my fingers trace over the leather case, admiring the beautifully drawn image of a galaxy before looking back up at him. “What is this?”_

_“Open it and find out, smart guy.”_

_I did as I was told, reaching inside the leather sheath and pulling out a knife. It was a bit longer than my hand, the blade shining splendidly in the light as I held it aloft. It felt… right. It was the perfect size and weight, with a handle that rested comfortably in the palm of my hand. I admired how thin and sharp the blade was, how elegantly it curved upwards before reaching a tiny, incredibly sharp looking point. Then I caught sight of something carved into the handle and bit back a laugh._ Really, Remus? ‘For my favorite dork’?

_“Did… did you make this?” I asked, glancing at Remus._

_He nodded shyly, a slight smile on his face. “Y-yeah. Do… you like it?”_

_“I love it! I can tell you put a lot of time and effort into making it, and it turned out great! I think it is amazing, Remus. Thank you.”_

_“That’s not all! This knife is special!” Remus exclaimed, sitting up excitedly. “Here, let me show you!”_

_“Okay,” I laughed, handing him the blade._

_“Watch this!”_

_I watched as he took the blade and stabbed it straight through his hand._

_“Remus!” I cried, “What are you-”_

_“Papa, calm down. I’m fine, see?” he said reassuringly._

_He pulled the blade out of his hand and I stared at the place where a bloody hole should be, but there was nothing there. Remus’s hand was unblemished and completely unharmed._

_“How…?”_

_“It’s a magic knife. I made it specifically so that it can’t hurt any human being. Cut yourself, stab yourself, it doesn’t matter. It’ll never so much as break the skin. But, use it on, say a brick, and…” A brick manifested in his hand, and he stabbed it with the knife. I watched in shock as the knife cut through it as easily as butter. “It cuts through it without a hitch.”_

_“That is…. amazing. Remus, how on Earth did you… how?” I stared at him in awe._

_He shrugged, his face flushed in embarrassment. “It’s nothing, really. I just figured you could use something on hand to protect yourself with, or if you ever need to get yourself out of a tricky situation, but I knew you wouldn’t want to hurt anyone, so I figured this would be the best option. Besides, it was a neat thing to try and experiment with, seeing what I can and can’t do. It took a lot of trial and effort, but I think it turned out pretty nice.”_

_“It is perfect, Remus. Thank you so much,” I beamed._

_He made a face. “Yeah, yeah. Whatever.” He seemed determined to brush off the praise, but I could see the joy in his eyes even as he scowled. “Hey, Lo?”_

_“Yes, Remus?”_

_“Will you read to me?”_

_“It would be a pleasure.”_

Holding the blade in my hand now, I could not help the smile that stretched across my face. I let my thumb trail down the length of the blade, still surprised that when I pulled my finger back, there was no blood, no pain, no cut anywhere, even though I had done it time and time again. It was fascinating, much like the boy who made it. My son. Although, I supposed that Remus wasn’t just my son anymore. He had another father, a better father. One who always looked after him, who put him first, even if it meant putting his health and well-being at risk. Even if it meant pretending he was fine when he clearly was not.

Deceit had been through hell in the past, that much was apparent. It killed me to think that he had experienced something truly traumatic and scarring, and it killed me even more to know that he was dealing with it on his own. From what I’d seen, he never reached out to anyone. He never asked for help. He expected so much from himself and it didn’t seem to be healthy. I wanted to help him. I wanted to assure him that he was good enough, that he was enough, just as he was. But I didn’t know how. I had no idea if he would believe me if I told him, or if he would appreciate it if I tried. I was not sure if my words would be welcome or if it would offend him. I did not want to hurt him, so I kept silent. And still I wondered if my silence was helpful or a hindrance, but truthfully, I had no idea.

I had a feeling that his trauma was related to the reason why the mindscape split in the first place. It was this gnawing in my gut that refused to leave me, no matter how hard I tried to push it away. It was a constant presence that haunted my every waking moment, that desperate desire to know what had happened so that I could fix it. But that was the problem, was it not? I had no idea if I could fix it, if I could make things better. And what if I could not? What would I do then? I so badly wished to make Deceit feel okay again, but I did not know if I could. And if I failed him, what then?

Patton was the cause. I knew it to be true. There was no other side that could have possibly caused this much damage. He and the split were most certainly associated in some way to Deceit’s recent breakdowns, but I still had no idea how they were related. What could Patton have possibly said or done to break another side so badly? I hadn’t a clue, and it bothered me, because usually I could figure things out. Usually I had all the answers. The fact that I didn’t have a clue how to help a person who meant so much to me was heartbreaking. Deceit did not deserve any of this. None of them did. The darksides deserved so much better. They deserved to be treated like our equals, to have a family here in the Lightside, to live here with us. But I could not figure out how to fix what had already been broken so long ago.

 _I can’t ask Morality about it,_ I thought with a sigh. _Anytime Deceit’s name is so much as brought up in conversation, he completely shuts down or changes the subject. Although, the same could be said for the Darkside itself, I suppose. So how do I get the answers I seek?_ Tapping my fingers on the desk thoughtfully, I scrounged my mind for an idea, a memory, anything that might help me, when something clicked. _Didn’t….. Morality keep a diary of some sort back in the day? I am almost certain he did. Perhaps… perhaps if I could find it, I could read some of the past entries and glean some sort of insight from the past. Perhaps I could even discover what happened between him and Deceit. Then I might finally be able to help Deceit feel better._

A smile teased at the corners of my lips as a plan began to come together in my mind, but before I could work out the little details, I heard a soft hiss from behind me. Turning in my swivel chair, I was surprised to see a snake slithering in from under my doorway. _Mendacium?_

Putting the knife back in its sheath, I slipped it back in my pocket before getting to my feet. I walked over to the brother of my own snake, Veritas, and stooped down to pick him up. Mendacium curled up in the palm of my hand, looking up at me with the same steady, intelligent gaze that I had seen in Deceit many times over.

“What is it, Mendacium? Is everyone okay?” I asked, curiosity and worry warring with each other in my head.

 _“Master hassss requested that you visit the Darkssssside tonight if you are able to. Preferably assssss sssssoon as possible,”_ the snake hissed.

“Of course. I will see him tonight.”

Mendacium nodded, and I gently sat him down, watching as he slithered away, vanishing from sight. Sitting back down on my chair, I straightened my tie and ran my fingers through my hair a couple times. _Deceit wants me to come over? Why? Did something happen? Is everyone alright? I am not sure if I should be concerned or not, to be honest. Well, I suppose I have to wait and see._ Taking a deep breath, I attempted to calm down my nerves the best I could. In spite of my fears over what this meeting might be about, I could not help the soft smile that came to my lips at the thought of seeing Deceit again. _Until tonight, Dee._

I eagerly slipped down the grey corridor, tired of waiting anxiously for nightfall. I was going to see Deceit, Remus, and Anxiety again, and that thought alone was enough to make my heart skip a beat. I missed them, as stupid as it sounded. Truly, it had not been that long since I had seen them last, but every moment I spent without them seemed like an eternity. In all honesty, I would have left the Lightside weeks ago if it had not been for Roman. I could not bear to leave him alone with Morality. I could not fail him like I failed his brother.

As I reached the last stretch of the grey corridor, I saw Deceit standing a few feet from the entrance, the slight upturn on his lips just barely illuminated by the starry sky above him. He seemed surprisingly relaxed, his thumbs sitting loosely in the belt loop of his dark-wash jeans as he hummed softly to himself. Peeking around the corner, I took in the snake-like side, noting how instead of his usual over-the-top outfit, he was wearing jeans, tan sperrys, and a yellow button up shirt. His sleeves were cuffed just below his elbow, and the first two buttons of his shirt were unbuttoned, revealing a white t-shirt underneath. He was, however, still wearing his yellow gloves, which did not surprise me, but everything else came as a total shock. He was so….. _hot?_ _Oh God. I am way too gay for this._ Trying to distract myself from staring at him, I tried to figure out what he was humming, but although I recognized the tune, I could not name it. Straightening my tie and making sure my hair was still in order, I stepped out of the grey corridor and into the Darkside, greeting Deceit with a smile.

“I’m glad you could make it,” he said softly, offering me a warm grin.

“I am happy to be here,” I replied, trying my best to keep my face from flushing.

“Shall we?” he asked, offering his arm.

I took his arm with a grin. “Of course.”

We walked in silence for the longest time, Deceit still humming that song to himself and me glancing his way every so often, trying to work up the courage to ask him what is going on. He seemed so… happy. So calm and relaxed. I would even go so far to say content. It was really nice to see. I could not remember the last time I had seen Deceit seem so unbeat. There was a slight skip in his step, and his eyes glowed with this warmth that made me want to do something stupid like kiss hi- _Nope!_ I shot that thought down immediately. _First of all, you have no idea what your feelings are towards him. Secondly, you have no idea how he feels about you. Now get ahold of yourself before you look like an idiot._

“Deceit?” I murmured hesitantly.

He glanced my way absently. “Hmmm?”

“What is all this about, exactly? Why did you ask for me to come visit?”

I blinked in surprise as Deceit flushed slightly, ducking his head and glancing away as if to hide it. “I… I just thought we could spend some time together… to make up for my less than hostly exit a few days prior. That… that’s all.”

“Deceit, there is no need to worry about that. I was not upset, simply worried about your wellbeing.”

“If you don’t want to-”

“However, I think that spending more time together sounds quite pleasant. What did you have in mind?”

Somehow, Deceit and I eventually found ourselves walking the lengths of the garden inside the Imagination. I was not upset about this. In fact, I quite enjoyed the gardens, and I was very happy to hear that Deceit found them just as enchanting as I did. We strolled along the path hand in hand, talking about this and that and just taking everything in. I had been to this garden so many times that I had memorized its entire layout, so I was the one to lead the way while Deceit followed along, staring in awe at everything we saw. The gardens were vast, nearly a mile in each direction, and full to the brim of amazing sights to see, so I decided to take him to all my favorite parts.

Our first stop was the enormous fountain that stood at the entrance to Remus’s castle. It was truly a sight to behold, with the unique and unconventional architecture, to the blood that spurted from the irregularly placed nozzles, to the kraken that lived in the bloody pool of water below. The fountain itself was made of a stone that vaguely resembled obsidian, but I knew for a fact it wasn’t. It was built in the shape of a pentagram, with a number of nozzles, all different shapes, sizes, and placements, that shot streams of blood every which way. The interesting thing about the blood Remus used was that it defied the laws of physics, as well as nature. The blood didn’t simply cascade down into the fountain, but instead followed a strange trail of twists, turns, loops, and sometimes even shapes or drawings. It was almost as if he had surrounded the nozzles with those strange straws that you could bend into whatever crazy shape you liked, but there was no straw, only the bloody streams shooting up into the sky.

Today, the blood created a picture in the sky. Deceit and I stared in awe as an image of a military battle was formed from the spray of the fountain. And to my surprise, the image appeared to move, as if the battle was still going on.

“That… how did he do that?” Deceit asked, staring up at the fountain in awe.

“I have no idea,” I blinked.

“What battle is this, do you think?”

I studied the image for a while. “I believe it is the Battle of the Somme. It is historically one of the bloodiest battles in history, which is likely why Remus chose it as his inspiration for today.”

“Impressive,” he said, shooting me a grin. “Guess you really are the smartest side.”

I snorted at that. “Intelligence is relative. I might be the smartest side as far as academics, but I struggle to read people, while that seems to be one of your strong suits. We all have our own strengths, so it is impossible to compare us on an intellectual basis.”

Deceit looked thoughtful. “I’ve never really thought of it that way.”

“Sometimes all you need is a different perspective, and things become so much clearer.”

“That is very true. For instance…” Deceit turned his head to the side, “from this angle, it almost looks like a tornado tearing through eastern Tennessee.”

“What?” I turned my head sideways. “No it doesn’t!”

“But I made you look,” he smirked.

“You’re a guileful little bastard, aren’t you?” I teased.

His eyes widened comedically and he put a hand to his chest as if he were deeply offended. Batting his eyes innocently, he stared at me in shock. “Me?! I would _never_.”

“Falsehood.”

He made a face at me. “Says who?”

“Pure, impartial, equitable logic.”

Deceit raised an eyebrow. “You sure you’re impartial?”

“Of course.”

“Falsehood,” he smirked.

“Oh, shut up,” I muttered, having run out of witty responses.

Deceit laughed, looping his arm through mine. “You’re such a sore loser.”

“I have never failed at anything in my life,” I protested as we began walking to our next destination. My face was flushed, partially from embarrassment, partially from happiness, and partially from something else. I was not quite sure what the last part was, but I knew I did not want it to stop. I wanted this feeling to last for a long time.

“Yet,” he tacked on, his eyes lighting up mischievously.

“Ever,” I corrected.

“We’ll see about that. Now, what’s next?”

I could not help but smile at Deceit glanced this way and that while we walked, his face alight with curiosity and excitement. He was practically dragging me forward he was so eager, but he had no idea where we were going, so he had to keep glancing back at me for directions, causing me to hold back a laugh. It was so strange to see him so giddy. I liked seeing him this way, though. It was nice.

“The caverns.”

“Ooh. Should I be excited or scared?”

“It was made by Remus. Obviously you should feel a mixture of both.”

Deceit laughed at that, and I couldn’t help but treasure the sound, something so real, so free, so perfect. Smiling, I grabbed him by the hand and began to run. He managed to keep up with me, the two of us laughing breathlessly as we raced forward. On our way to the caverns, we passed through the field of flowers that smell like your soulmate. Deceit stopped, letting go of my hand, and approached the colorful, heart-shaped blossoms, kneeling down to see them clearer. I watched him, a slight smile on my face, and took in a deep breath. I was immediately filled with the smell of Deceit’s cologne, parchment, fresh ink, and wine. Blinking in surprise, I felt my mind begin to spin as everything suddenly clicked into place. _Deceit is my soulmate._

I supposed that I shouldn’t have been surprised. After all, I had been debating my feelings for the snake-like side for a while now, and it had become increasingly obvious that there was something between us, but it was entirely different to be struck with the realization all at once, no warning or chance to process everything. _Deceit and I… we’re destined to be together. We’re meant to be._ I didn’t know how I felt about that. On one hand, I liked Deceit. _Really_ liked him. But on the other hand, I wasn’t sure if he felt the same way about me. _Yes, we are soulmates, but that doesn’t mean he’s necessarily inclined to be with me at this point and time. Being soulmates doesn’t mean that we will end up together, just that we’re supposed to be. He might not want me, might not have any interest in me. And do I really…?_ My head was spinning, trying to figure out what to think or how to feel. I didn’t know what to think. I didn’t know how I felt. It was so confusing. _Do I really feel that way about him? Does he reciprocate those feelings? Is it wrong to have romantic interest in a darkside? What will Morality think? What will he say? What will he do? Oh God, what if he hurts Deceit because of this? I can’t let that happen. Dee’s been hurt enough. He doesn’t deserve any more pain. But what do I do? I don’t love Morality anymore. I don’t think I ever have. Oh God…_

Taking a deep breath, I did my best to shove those frantic thoughts to the back of my mind for the time being. There was no use stressing about all of these things when I couldn’t do anything about it. _One step at a time, Logan. Just enjoy today. Don’t worry about what tomorrow might hold._ Glancing over at Deceit, I felt my heart swell at the sight of him surrounded by the flowers, singing softly to himself. He was making a flower crown out of the heart-shaped blossoms, and I noticed that he only picked two colors for his creation, yellow, and royal blue.

Edging closer to him, I strained to hear what song he was singing, recognizing it as the same melody he was humming earlier. I heard his voice before I heard the lyrics, the richness and purity in every note making chills run down my spine. It reminded me of chocolate and caramel, sweet but strong, and I crept closer still, wanting to hear him clearer.

“I get to love you. It’s the best thing that I’ll ever do. I get to love you. It’s a promise I’m making to you. Whatever may come, your heart I will choose. Forever I’m yours, forever I do. I get to love you. I get to love you,” he sang softly, tying the last flower in place and slowly getting to his feet.

I quickly took a few steps back and pretended to be looking somewhere else, my eyes focusing on a small patch of flowers in the distance that were particularly pretty. I didn’t want it to seem like I had been staring at him this whole time, because while I most definitely had, I had a feeling it would make Deceit uncomfortable, and that was the last thing I wanted. As he walked over to me, I turned to face him, smiling as he held out the flower crown to me. I glanced down at it, admiring how well it had turned out, before placing it in Deceit’s hair.

“Something this beautiful deserves to be on someone equally as beautiful,” I said.

Deceit blushed. “Then it should be on your head, not mine,” he muttered.

“I disagree. Besides, this way I get to look at it and admire how amazing it looks all the time.”

He flushed again, shoving me lightly, and I laughed. “So, you ready to go to the caverns?” I asked.

Deceit’s fingers intertwined with mine as he glanced up at me with a smile. “Yep. Lead the way.

Once we had arrived at the caverns, I grabbed one of the lanterns that were hanging at the entrance and together Deceit and I began our descent into the dark, mysterious caves below. The path down here was not nearly as smooth as you would expect, and it was very easy to slip and fall while walking on the uneven, hand-carved, rocky surface. Luckily, I had been in these caves once or twice before, and I knew where to walk and which places to avoid. Deceit wasn’t nearly as lucky. As we were walking through the caverns, gazing at the gorgeous rock structures to our left and right, Deceit slipped and stumbled forward. Whirling around, I reached out and caught him before he could face-plant into the rocky ground below. I had done it before and I knew that it was less than pleasant.

Deceit glanced up at me, our faces only inches apart, and I felt my heart skip a beat. I could feel Deceit’s pulse hammering against my fingertips, his eyes wide in fear and shock. I couldn’t tell whether it was from nearly falling or from being so close to me, but I hoped it was the former. Placing my hands on his shoulders, I steadied him before letting go, regretting the instance I did so. Part of me just wanted to stand there for a moment longer, feeling the warmth of his body radiating off of him, staring deeply into his eyes until I couldn’t see anything else. But I didn’t. I couldn’t. So I kept going.

“Be careful,” I offered before turning around. “The ground is really slick in areas. Try to walk where I do, okay?”

“T-thanks, Logan.”

“Anytime.”

We passed a number of geological treasures; enormous gems that grew out of the ground in awkward directions, stalagmites and stalactites pointing in every direction, pools of water that had shimmering stones below the surface, and so much more greeted us as we walked along the path. I had seen all of this before, but seeing the look on Deceit’s face as he gazed at everything made it all seem brand new. It was like looking at things through a different lens, being here with him. It was eye-opening, breathtaking, awe inspiring, just like he was.

Finally, we reached my favorite part of the cavern. It was a chamber that was pitch black, save for these multi-colored glowing gems that covered the floor, ceiling, and walls, giving the cave a soft light. Deceit’s eyes grew so large at the sight of it that I had to hold back a laugh, smiling as he slowly walked to the center of the chamber and made a slow circle, gazing at it all in awe. An idea flickered into my head, and I couldn’t help but grin, pulling out my phone and playing some ballroom music. 

Deceit turned to me, eyebrow raised. “What are you doing?”

I took his hand in mine, smiling gently. “Would you care to dance?”

His eyes widened. “Here? But what if I fall?”

“Don’t worry. I’ll catch you. I promise.”

He looked wary for a second, and I was almost certain that he was going to turn me down, but he took my other hand in his and led us to the center of the chamber. Gently positioning my hands at his waist and arm, I looked at him, making sure he was comfortable with it, and when he glanced up at me with the sweetest, softest smile on his face, I felt my heart melt just a little. I led us through one dance, two, three, our bodies moving in unison to the music in the background. There was no need to think about anything at all. The only thing that mattered was the look in Deceit’s eyes as he stared at me, the way his lips were slightly parted, as if he were about to say something, but words never came, the way his hair fell in his face whenever we spun, the way every step seemed to come naturally, as if we had danced together a hundred times. I spun him one last time as the song came to a close, and his foot slipped on the stone surface below. He fell backwards, and I caught him around the waist, keeping him from hitting the ground. Deceit stared up at me, the colorful glow of the gems reflected in his eyes, and I felt my breath catch in my chest. He just looked so… beautiful. Everything about him, in that moment, made my heart soar. _I… I love him,_ I realized. I honestly and truly loved him. And in that moment, I stopped thinking with my head, and let my heart take the lead. Reaching up, I cupped his face with my hand, leaned in, and kissed him.

The kiss was like nothing I had ever experienced. It was warm, and sweet, and beautiful. It felt perfect, his lips against mine, our bodies pressed together, my arm wrapped around his waist and his hands buried in my hair. I pulled back, needing to catch my breath, my head spinning and my heart pounding rapidly in my chest. Deceit stared at me, his eyes large and dazed. He seemed starstruck, his fingertips reaching up to brush his lips as he tried to come to grips with what just happened.

“I…” Deceit froze, his face going pale and his breath coming out in short gasps. I watched in shock as he fell to his knees, beginning to hyperventilate.

“Dee!” I ran to his side, kneeling down in front of him. “Can you hear me? Can I touch you?”

His eyes refused to meet mine. I didn’t think they could. But he still managed a short nod. I took his hand and placed it against my chest. “Follow my breathing, okay?” He nodded again, and I began taking in long, slow breaths, keeping them as even as I could even while my own heart raced in my chest. I didn’t know what was happening, but that didn’t matter right now. The only thing that mattered was making sure Deceit was okay.

Dee followed me the best he could, but it took him awhile for his breathing to even out and slow down enough for him to communicate with me. Every second that his panic attack continued made my chest ache just a tiny bit more. It was my fault, I knew. I shouldn’t have just kissed him like that. It was stupid and careless and not like me at all.

“I… I’m o-okay now,” Deceit breathed, and I released his hand. He took in a few more gasps of air before sitting back, brushing his hair out of his face. “S-sorry. I don’t know what h-happened.”

“I’m the one who should be sorry,” I said softly. “I should have asked for consent first. I don’t know what came over me. I’m so sorry, Dee. I understand if you don’t want to see me again after that. I should have known better than to-”

“No!” he exclaimed, interrupting me. I blinked at him, confused. “I just… it’s not that. Please, don’t say that. I… I wanted you to kiss me. And I liked it! I really did. It’s just… I… I don’t think I’m ready to get in a romantic relationship yet. I want to find emotional stability first. I just… I don’t want to be constantly breaking down on you. I don’t want you to always be worried about me, always have to look after me, always walk on eggshells around me. That’s not fair or healthy for either of us. I like you, Logan. _Really_ like you. And I want to give us a try, but… I can’t right now.” He ducked his head, tears spilling down his cheeks. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I’m sorry.”

“Shhh,” I reached over and grabbed Deceit by the chin, tilting his face up so I could look him in the eye, brushing tears from his cheeks with my thumb. “You don’t have to apologize for anything, Dee. I understand. You’re right. You need to focus on yourself right now, and I understand and respect that. I’m more than willing to give you all the time you need to recover from whatever you experienced in the past. I’ll be with you every step of the way, if you want me to be. I want to help you, if you let me. I… I love you, Deceit. I need you in my life, and I’m willing to wait however long it takes so I can be with you.”

Deceit fell into my arms and I held him close, gently rubbing circles into his back as he buried his face in the crook of my neck and clung to me tightly, like I was a life preserver in the middle of the ocean. “Thank you,” he whispered. “You’ll wait for me? Even if it takes a while?”

“I promise. I’ll never leave your side. I love you, Dee.”

“I love you too, Logan.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! I am so sorry for taking this long with this chapter. It was a combination of a lack of motivation, struggles with writing in Logan's perspective, and an annoying little brother stealing my computer literally all the time, so please forgive the mini-hiatus. I'm back at it again, and I hope to get more chapters done soon. Please be patient with me, as I'll be starting school soon, and it's going to be a wild time trying to figure out a schedule for everything. I hope you all enjoyed this chapter, forgive any grammatical or spelling errors, as I didn't really edit this one. Like... at all. Anyway, stay safe and I'll see you all again real soon. Thanks!
> 
> ~Your Fellow Fander


	22. Remus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Remus goes on an adventure again, 'cause he's stupid like that. What is new, am I right?
> 
> Also, many of you may have noticed that the plan for this novel is now 33 chapters with a QnA at the end, because this chapter turned out so long that I decided to stop writing there and make a second chapter finishing up the plan for this chapter. Soooo... you're welcome! This book is now a chapter longer. Honestly, this might happen again later depending on how much I write, as I like to keep my chapters in the teens as far as page number, more or less, so we'll see what happens.
> 
>  **AND** don't forget about the QnA!!! Leave questions in the comments for me to answer. They can be about just about anything. Ask questions about me, my future projects, and this story. I'd save the questions about this story for the end, though, because they might be answered soon. ;) Thanks for reading, and I love you all!

_ I am so, so incredibly stupid. _

That wasn’t new knowledge by any means. I knew I could be pretty stupid sometimes, heck, I was even stupid most of the time. However, I was pretty sure I had reached new heights with this latest misadventure. If Pops or Anx knew I was doing this, they’d skin my alive and hang me on a nail for a week, which is exactly why they weren’t going to find out. At least, I really hoped they never found out. But maybe they already had. That didn’t really matter too much now, though. They couldn’t stop me. I was already too far gone to go back.

Exploring the Darkside in of itself wasn’t necessarily a bad idea. Exploring the deepest depths of the Darkside alone was the stupidest decision I could have ever made. Yet, here I was, walking down the long, twisted corridors of the Darkside, my only companion being my insatiable curiosity and desire for adventure. And for now, that was all I really needed.

_ It’s getting darker, _ I noted absently.  _ It’s almost as if the further I travel into the Darkside, the more it lives up to its name. Strange. _ Glancing up, I realized that there were barely any stars on the ceiling, the few there offering such a pitiful amount of light that they barely allowed me to see the ground beneath my feet, much less anything else.  _ Huh. That’s why. _

Holding out my hand, I manifested a lantern to light my path. The glow burned through the thick fog that hung heavy in the air, allowing me to see a few feet in front of me instead of the literal inches, and I felt a bit safer knowing what was coming up ahead of me. As the fog was significantly thicker here, the temperature was also a fair bit cooler, even a little bitter at times, and I was grateful that I had thought to wear a sweater, hat, and gloves today instead of my usual t-shirt and shorts. So I wasn’t a complete idiot, in the very least.

In spite of the pure stupidity of this idea of mine, I had to admit that I felt quite comfortable and safe as I marched along the cobblestone hallways, practically skipping along in anticipation and excitement. The Darkside finally felt like home, as familiar as the Lightside had once been to me, more so even. The Darkside was more of a home than the Lightside had ever been. And while I knew that it wasn’t the best idea to go looking for trouble, I felt rather confident that I could handle whatever the labyrinth of hallways had to offer me. After all, the Darkside itself wasn’t particularly dangerous, at least from what I had seen thus far. In fact, it was really just an elaborate maze, a labyrinth of hallways and corridors leading this way and that. That was all there was to it as far as I knew, which was rather reassuring. There was nothing out there that could really hurt me, and to be honest, if there was, I didn’t really care. I couldn’t wait to see what treasures and secrets might lie beyond the cloud of mystery that was before me. That was all that filled my mind that day, consuming my every waking thought. However, I had a much more specific goal in mind than just random exploration. 

Today, I was determined to find the other darksides.

I could practically hear Dee’s voice in my head, scolding me for being so cocky and reckless and telling me to go back in that calm, sensible but urgent tone of his, but I wasn’t going to back out now. I was already so deep in the Darkside that I doubted I could find my way back if I tried. That didn’t bother me. It didn’t scare me, either. I knew that if I was in trouble, Pops or Anxiety would find me, and I knew I could hold my own in most instances anyway. Besides, I had a feeling that Dee already knew where I was anyway. He was curiously good at helping us whenever we were in danger, and he always seemed to have tabs on our location, no matter how odd or abstract. I knew that he would be able to protect me if anything particularly dangerous happened to appear.

The thought of my father made me smile, and I couldn’t help but wonder how his date with Logan went. I knew that, according to him, it was a ‘completely platonic occasion in which we will simply spend time together and get to know each other better’, but that was utter bullshit and we all knew it. I had known since the first time Dee had stepped foot into my garden and described the scent of the soulmate flowers that he and Logan were crazy for each other. It had been so obvious that I was surprised it had taken them this long to admit it, but then again, they were both a little emotionally dense, so it didn’t surprise me. Either way, I was certain that one of them had finally gathered the nerve to say something or do something, and I couldn’t wait to hear all about it. But I wasn’t excited enough to put off my exploration until later. I knew that Pops had been up late last night spending time with Logan, so I had decided the best time to leave unnoticed would be as early as my body would permit me to get up, which ended up being about four in the morning. I had snuck out of my room and down the hall before the sun had even begun to rise, and I hadn’t looked back once.

I had to admit, though, I felt a little conflicted.  _ Pops warned me not to go looking for others, and he usually knows best with this stuff. I really should head home. _ And yet my feet kept moving forward and my mind kept getting distracted by the thoughts of who or what I might find. Even if I tried to go back, I didn’t think I would be able to bear the knowledge that I had given up without finding  _ anything. _ And so, my adventurous side kept pushing me forward, kept dragging me down this path, regardless of the consequences, and I didn’t have the strength to disobey it.

I passed by a few empty rooms, pausing every now and then to peek inside, but none of them appear to have any occupants. They all seemed… blank. As if no one lived in them and no one ever had. A handful of them had a few details that suggested that once, many, many years ago, they had once been inhabited, such as a crack in the drywall, a faded poster hanging on the wall, an article of clothing sitting on the bed, a faint scent hanging in the air with all the dust. At each door, there was a bouquet of flowers, freshly picked, it seemed, although upon closer examination, they, too, were covered in a thick layer of dust, much like the contents of the rooms themselves. The flowers almost appeared to be frozen in time, sitting in the doorways with a shaft of light falling on them, illuminating the flecks of dust drifting in the air. As I passed each bouquet, I felt chills crawl up and down my spine, realizing exactly what, or rather who, the flowers were for. 

Dead darksides.

As I closed the door of yet another empty room, I began to wonder if there were truly any darksides left alive besides us.  _ Maybe… maybe Pops just said that to keep our spirits up. Maybe he didn’t want me to know that everyone else had died, because it would make me think that we’re all destined to die too, and it would scare me off. I mean, I don’t blame him for lying, but c’mon Pops, have a little faith. It takes a lot more than death to shake me. _

Shrugging, I continued walking forward, my boots tapping loudly on the cold stone below me, when I came across a door that felt… different. This one seemed… newer. It wasn’t exactly new, not by any stretch of the imagination, but it wasn’t covered in quite as thick a layer of dust. There was another bouquet of flowers resting on the ground in front of the door, these ones a variety of shades of grey.  _ I wonder… why grey? That’s a rather odd color to choose for flowers, especially flowers honoring a dead side. Maybe… maybe the side’s color was grey? That would make sense, I guess. _

Glancing at the door, I noticed that there appeared to be a sign on the upper half of the surface, and I reached up to brush away the dust so I could read it.  **‘HATRED’** , it read, the letters large and thick and black, as if they had been drawn with an expo marker, although they didn’t appear to smudge or wipe away at my touch. I felt my breath catch in my throat, remembering something.

“Hatred…” I murmured. “That… that was Uncle Jeal’s brother, wasn’t it? The one who faded a few years ago?”

It was strange, connecting a room to a name. It made me feel a bit sick, if I was being honest. It was a lot easier to distance myself from these dead sides when all I had was the contents of the room to go off of, but knowing the name of the side that once resided there made it a bit too… real, I guessed. I didn’t like it, but I wasn’t going to turn back now. The least I could do to respect Hatred’s memory was see what he left behind after he died.

Gripping the doorknob with cold, pale fingers, I opened the door, wincing at the loud creak that erupted when it swung open. Peeking inside, I realized that this room wasn’t like the others in the fact that many of Hatred’s possessions were still here. Everything about this room was grey, from the walls to the bedsheets, the curtains to the various pieces of art hanging on the walls. The furniture was all black, the flooring a dark oak, and even the lighting had a dark hue to it. 

I walked inside, carefully stepping over the flowers, and examined things a bit closer. There was a bookshelf in one corner of the room with a collection of various knick-knacks and other memorabilia. There were also a large host of picture frames all over the room, although the pictures were so faded that it was impossible to make anything out.  _ Huh, it seems Hatred was a rather sentimental person. That… isn’t what I expected at all. _

There were a large collection of journals sitting on his desk, along with a typewriter, and although I couldn’t make out what was written due to the atrocious handwriting, it was clear that he had been very passionate about whatever he was writing. A set of weights rested near the foot of his bed, as well as a trunk of old photo albums, all the photographs faded beyond recognition. I walked over to the wall to examine some of the artwork hanging up, and I blinked in surprise when I recognized the style of drawing.  _ Anx? You made art pieces for Hatred? I mean, I suppose it makes sense, with him being your uncle and all, but still. I never expected it. _

_ I wonder… why are all of Hatred’s things still here when no one else's were? All the rooms had bouquets sitting outside them, suggesting that whoever left them cared about all the sides equally, so I doubt they would’ve taken them away. Maybe… maybe much like the side themself, the items take a while to fade away. Maybe the others’ items faded a while back, and Hatred’s haven’t faded yet because he’s only been dead for a few years. But then… how long have those sides been dead? When did they die, and how? Did they fade too, or did something else happen to them? Can we die of natural causes? Can we die from injury or sickness? Exactly what are our limitations? _

All the questions swarming around in my head were fighting for my attention, and I was almost tempted to sit down and think about it for a while, but being in that room was starting to weigh on me a bit too much. It was as if all my emotions had been condensed into a ball, and this ball happened to have a lit fuse attached to it, slowly getting closer and closer to exploding. I wasn’t really looking to fall apart at the moment, so I got the hell out of there as quickly as I could. I didn’t want to feel sad that I had never met Hatred. I didn’t want to regret not coming to the Darkside sooner. I didn’t want to miss someone I had never met. I didn’t want to cry over a long-dead darkside that I by all rights shouldn’t give a damn about. So I left.

I was reaching the outskirts of the Darkside now. It was nearly pitch black, and my lantern struggled to burn through the fog enough to see even a few feet in front of me. The air was frigid, but that wasn’t what caused the chills that were crawling up and down my spine like little venomous spiders with their fuzzy legs and big black eyes and- you get the picture. It was the feeling that I was in alien territory, the realization that I was somewhere I didn’t belong, that gnawed at me. I didn’t think even Pops dared to go this far into the Darkside, and that thought terrified me. If someone as strong and brave and confident as Pops didn’t come here, who was I to enter this place? What would I do if something, or someone, confronted me about my presence here? What could I say to get out of that situation? Nothing. I had nothing.

I was half tempted to just turn around and walk back, meeting the other darksides be damned, but then something appeared behind the fog and mist. Squinting through the fog and holding my lantern higher to try and catch the silhouette in its light, I managed to catch a glimpse of the mysterious object. It was… a person.

I froze in my tracks, feeling all my confidence and bravo leaving me in an instant.  _ Guess… Pops wasn’t lying after all. But who…? Who is it? _

The figure was tall and rather curvy, wearing a bright magenta color that seemed to pierce through the darkness, and I watched in a mixture of anticipation and dread as the stranger slowly approached me. The figure sauntered into the lantern light, one hand on their hips and another casually hanging at their side. When they came to a stop, their appearance dimly lit by the lantern, they stood quite a few feet away from me, but they were entirely too close for comfort at the same time. I took a cautious step back, my heart hammering in my chest as my mind tried to play catch up.  _ There are other sides. I found one. They’re standing right in front of me.  _ It seemed too good to be true, but at the same time, I felt a little on edge. There was something… off about this side. I just couldn’t figure out what. My eyes widened and my face paled slightly as I took in this mysterious figure, and just based on their appearance alone, I was pretty confident I already knew who this side was.  _ Lust… _

His hair was shaved on one side and rather long on the other, the straight locks falling over his bright pink eyes, the tips dyed magenta and violet. His lashes were thick and full, as were his lips, and he had a full face of makeup. While I had no problem with makeup or men wearing makeup whatsoever, it was a bit too overdone for my taste, and I struggled to keep a gay face without grimacing or frowning. He wore a white crop-top with the word ‘SLUT’ spelled out in bright pink sequins. That, combined with his black booty shorts and thigh-high magenta boots, was enough to make me feel incredibly uncomfortable and scared at the same time.

He fixed me with an amused smirk, eyeing me like a predator watching its prey, and I felt so, so small all at once. His voice was like honey as he spoke, much like my father’s voice, but this was different. It was richer, more sticky sounding, and it had a slight edge to it that made my hairs stand on end. “Well, well, well. What do we have here? An adorable little-” he glanced up at the crown that I had forgotten I was still wearing. “-prince! Surprising, to be sure. What’s a cutie like you doing out here, darling?”

I swallowed hard, trying to steel my nerves.  _ Calm the fuck down! You have no reason to be scared right now. It’s just another side! You have no idea whether he means any harm or not. Just because he looks a little different doesn’t mean that he has any impure intentions. _ “W-who are you?”

He tisked me, shaking his head. “It’s very rude to answer a question with a question, darling. But I digress. I’m Lust, sweetheart, and what I want to know is who  _ you _ are.”

I flinched slightly. “I-I’m Thomas’s Imagination.”

“Imagination, you say? How quaint. It’s a pleasure to meet you darling. I do say, you are quite the precious little thing. So innocent and pure. How adorable!”

“With all due respect, sir, I am anything but innocent.”

He clapped his hands together, a smile stretching across his face, so big and bright that it was a little disconcerting, to say the least. “Wonderful darling! That’s exactly what I was hoping to hear. You see, I was hoping to find a new playmate, and you are the perfect candidate. Oh, it will be so much fun to play with you! Do say you’ll join me!”

I narrowed my eyes suspiciously, taking a step back as casually as I could. “What kind of games are you suggesting?”

“Oh, only the best games, darling! They will test your abilities, I’m sure. A true test worthy of such a sweet little prince!”

“I don’t know. I really should get going,” I hedged, hoping that the fear wasn’t evident in my voice.

Lust smiled, but it didn’t quite meet his eyes. Like inky black voids, they bore a hole into my soul, reading me from the inside out, and I felt genuine fear fill my veins with ice for the first time in a long time. I slowly backed up, and I felt my heart stop as Lust tracked me from the corner of his eye, a slight smirk on his face.  _ This is it. I’m doomed. My stupidity has finally got me into a situation that’s in over my head, and now I’m going to pay for it with whatever ‘games’ Lust has in mind. I’m completely and totally fucked. I’m sorry Pops, I’m sorry Dad, I’m sorry Anx. I… I love you guys. If I don’t make it out of here, I hope you know that. _

The side took a step forward, and I flinched, backing into a wall. I felt my heart hammer in my chest as I realized that there was nowhere to go. I didn’t think I could outrun Lust. He was far taller than me, and even in heeled boots, I had no doubt he would be able to keep up. I didn’t think I could fight him either. There was something about the look in his eye that made me think he knew his way around the blade one way or another. I was trapped.

Suddenly, a figure was standing in front of me, and I flinched back, thinking that another darkside had come to help Lust tear me apart, but my eyes widened when I recognized the golden glow radiating around him, burning brightly in his eyes.  _ Pops! _

The side didn’t once glance my way, his gaze firmly on the side before him. The amused look in Lust’s eye didn’t fade, but it did dim considerably at the appearance of Deceit. Pops had a grim look on his face, and judging by the protective stance he had taken, he was bracing for a fight.

“Ah, Deceit. How lovely to see you, darling. How have you been? Busy, no doubt.”

“Lust,” he greeted coldy. “I’m surprised to see you here. You’re a bit far from your domain, aren’t you? Decided to have a little stroll at the crack of dawn, did we?”

“You know me, Deceit. I just had to stretch my legs a little.” As if to demonstrate, Lust lifted one of his legs above his head before setting it back down with ease. I blinked at him in shock. Dee rolled his eyes.  _ Holy fuck. _

“Sure,” he said, his voice oozing sarcasm. “If that is the case, then I’m sure your legs have been stretched enough, haven’t they? It must be close to time for your early morning torture sessions, correct? You wouldn’t want to miss them.”

“You’re right, darling. In fact, I was going to invite the little prince to join me. I think he’d rather enjoy my games, don’t you? And besides, I’ve been in dire need of some fresh meat.”

I shrank back, my heart beating wildly in my chest at the thought.  _ Oh God, oh God, oh God. Please. Please no. Anything but that. Please. _

Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Deceit’s jaw tighten slightly. “I’m afraid the boy has a prior engagement. Besides, I’m sure you have plenty of toys to play with back at home, right? Surely they are enough to keep your interest.”

Lust smirked. “Who is this boy to you, anyway? Is he… your son?” He barked a laugh. “Oh, don’t tell me you finally tied the knot with good old Mor-”

“This boy,” Deceit said firmly. “is one of my charges, and a rather troublesome one at that. He doesn’t know how to keep his nose out of things that do not concern him. And as the Darkside is full of places he should be keeping his nose out of, I have to keep an eye on him to ensure that he doesn’t get himself killed.”

He chuckled. “You seem to care an awful lot about a random kid that you have to look after. Are you sure he isn’t anything more to you? I seem to recall you always wishing for children of your own.” There was a sharp glint in his eye as he glanced at Pops. “A son, perhaps?”

“You would be mistaken. This boy is nothing more to me than a nuisance, but he is a nuisance that I must take care of until he can fend for himself.” I flinched at his harsh tone, but forced myself to keep a neutral expression.  _ He doesn’t mean it. He’s just saying that to take Lust’s attention off me and put it on him instead. It’s okay. _ “Now, if you will excuse us, we really must be going.”

Pops turned around, grabbing me tightly by the arm and leading me towards the hallway that I knew would eventually lead to the commons, where I would get the lecture of a lifetime. I couldn’t help but let out a soft sigh of relief. At this point, I would welcome the lecture, as long as I didn’t have to spend one more moment with Lust.  _ It’s okay. Pops has everything under control. Everything is going to be alright. He won’t let anything happen to me. I knew that he’d be there if I needed him. _

“How is Jealousy doing?” Lust called.

Deceit froze in his tracks. I felt my blood run cold.

“Or is he dead too?”

We both whirled around to face Lust, who was casually looking at his nails, a slight smirk on his face. I couldn’t read Pops’ expression. It was like staring into a blank mask, nothing being revealed, but there was a dullness to his eyes that wasn’t there before. I bit the inside of my cheek to keep from snapping at the erotic side, my nails digging into the palms of my hands.  _ How dare you…? _

“I wouldn’t be surprised, given your track record. Tell me, how many sides have you lost already? Five? Eight? How many people have died under your careful watch? And who’s to say that this boy won’t end up the same way?”

I glanced at Deceit, but there was almost no sign that he had even heard Lust’s words, if not for the minute tightening of his jaw. “I’m sorry, I must have heard you wrong. Did you just try to pin the fate of faded darksides on me?” he asked, his voice pleasant, as if he were simply asking about the weather and not confronting a side over slander of malicious intent.

Lust glanced up from his nails for a second, his smirk growing colder, more vicious. “I don’t believe I stuttered, now, did I? Why, do you have a problem with that,  _ Deceit?” _

“I just… It’s funny.”

He blinked at him. “What?”

“It’s funny that someone like you  _ dares _ to speak on the issue when  _ you were never there. _ Where were you when Hatred faded? How about Disgust? Or Pride? Where were you?” Dee demanded, his eyes flashing gold.

“I-”

“Exactly. You weren’t there. You were _never_ _there_ for them. You were here, wasting your days fucking figments senseless or torturing them out of their minds. You don’t care about them. You never have. So don’t you dare bring up the ones we lost and act like you care for one second that they’re gone. Don’t you dare try to use them against me.”

Lust seemed caught off guard for a second before smirking. “My, my. It seems you’ve grown thicker skin, Dee Dee. I seem to remember a much weaker side standing in your place, once upon a time. No longer care about your family? No longer miss the ones you lost? How sad. Although, if that’s the case, you wouldn’t mind if I borrowed the boy for the day, now would you? After all, he’s just another one of your charges. It’s not as if you care about him, right?”

Deceit stepped in front of me once more. “Whether I care about him or not does not matter. He is just a child, and any games you have planned are not appropriate for him. And I would never let  _ any _ of my charges play  _ any _ games with  _ you. _ Your games are cruel, inhumane, vicious, and despicable, and  _ no one _ deserves to be treated how you treat your toys. You’re lucky that I even have the decency to allow you to use the figments for your enjoyment, and you would be wise to remember that before threatening me or any of the other sides ever again. Am I understood? Now, I believe it’s about time you left. I’m sure the figments are anxiously awaiting your return, and surely Sloth and Greed are wondering where you are.”

Lust frowned, turning to leave. “I suppose you’re right. It  _ is _ rather rude to keep my guests waiting. And believe me,  _ Deceit, _ I am more than aware of what I owe you. There’s no need to be so harsh. I know my place. I just hope that  _ you _ remember  _ yours _ . But little prince?” He turned to look at me with a smile on his face that reminded me of the Cheshire Cat. I felt myself shiver in spite of my efforts to keep a brave face. “If you ever want to  _ play _ with me, you know where to find me.”

He winked, and Dee stepped forward, glaring at Lust with two glowing eyes. Lust laughed, giving us a cheeky wave before turning around and sauntering back into the fog, his heeled boots clicking softly on the stone floor. Deceit stood there, his eyes still glowing bright gold as he waited, for what I wasn’t entirely sure. I assumed he was waiting for Lust to be completely out of earshot, although I had no idea how he was judging that with the fog. I trusted his judgement, so I kept quiet and waited.

After a few minutes, Deceit breathed a sigh of relief, his body slouching slightly as he let himself relax from the ramrod-straight posture he had during the whole encounter. He wearily scrubbed at his face with his hands, his fingers trembling slightly as he let them fall at his sides, revealing just how scared he had been this whole time. He looked so, so tired, and I felt the guilt and shame begin to eat at me.  _ My fault. My fault, my fault, my fault, my fault, my fault. _

“Remus!”

My eyes shot up to meet Dee’s, and I realized he was kneeled in front of me, his hand on my shoulder, and my breathing was much too fast, my heartbeat too rapid, my thoughts too loud. And suddenly I realized I didn’t know how to make it stop. Tears began spilling down my face as I grasped onto Pops’ hand, trying to ground myself.  _ Too much, too much, too much. _

“Hey,” his voice was soft, gentle, soothing. “It’s okay, Remus. It’s going to be okay. I want you to breathe with me, okay? Can you do that for me.”

I nodded quickly.  _ Help. Help, help, help, help. _

“Okay. I want you to breathe in for four seconds, and while you’re doing so, I want you to imagine you’re trying to fill your chest with air, as much air as you can, okay? Imagine your body is a balloon and you’re trying to blow it up as big as it can get.”

I did so, breathing in for a count of four and sucking as much air in as I could into my lungs. My chest felt so full of air that it seemed like I was seconds from bursting, but it felt kinda… good at the same time. It was a much deeper breath than I had ever really taken before.

“Good. Now breathe out for four seconds, but breathe out a bit more aggressively than you usually do. Force the air out of your lungs until it’s all gone.”

Huffing the air out through my nose, I tried to imagine the escaping breath punching the air. Already, I was feeling a bit calmer.

“Again.”

I did it again.

“Good. Again.”

I did it once more, twice more, three times, until I felt completely at ease.

Letting out one final breath, I glanced up at Deceit and smiled. “Tha-”

Before I could even finish expressing my appreciation, Dee pulled me into a hug, holding my tightly to his chest and murmuring something into my hair, although I couldn’t quite catch his words.

“What was that?” I asked.

“I said, I thought I’d lost you,” he repeated, pressing a kiss to my forehead. “I was so scared, Ree. I thought Lust had taken you with him. I was terrified that I had arrived too late, that he had done something to you, something that would scar you for life.”

“I’m sorry,” I mumbled, burying my face in his chest. “I should have listened to you. You were right. I just… I had to know.”

He gently cupped my chin and raised my head so our eyes met. “I know. I’m not mad, Remus. Am I an anxious wreck? Absolutely. Annoyed that you disobeyed me? A bit. A little upset? Sure. But more than anything, I’m just glad you’re okay. Please, try to understand. I don’t tell you these things because I hate you or I want to take away all your adventures from you. I tell you these things because I love you. I love you and I don’t want to lose you. There are so many dangers out there, and I want to protect you from them. I can’t… I can’t lose you, Remus. Please, the next time you decide to go this deep into the mindscape, bring someone with you. It doesn’t have to be me. You could bring Anxiety if you’d like. But please, never do something like this again, especially not alone. I’m not always going to be able to sweep in and save the day whenever you’re in danger. One of these days, I won’t be able to be there for you. Please be safe, be smart, and take care of yourself, okay?”

I nodded. “Okay Pops. I promise.”

“Good.”

Dee got to his feet, brushing off his pants and helped me up with him.

“Now, what do you say? Piggyback time?”

My face lit up and I began bouncing up and down on the heels of my feet. “Yes please!”

“Okay,” he laughed as he kneeled for me. “Hop on.”

“Pops?”

“Hmm?” he glanced up at me out of the corner of his eye.

“I was just wondering… what do you know about… Lust?” I asked.

Dee paused for a second, and I tightened my grip on his shoulders to keep from falling off. After a moment, he resumed as if nothing had happened. “What do you mean?”

“I just… was he being serious? About torturing people?”

He sighed. “Remus, there’s a lot about Lust that I’d really rather not talk about.”

“Was he being serious?”

He was silent for a moment. “...yes.”

I let out a shaky breath, laughing slightly. “W-when you said that the other darksides weren’t necessarily the nicest people, I thought you were exaggerating. Guess you were right after all.”

“Not all of them are like Lust. In fact, out of all of them, Lust is by far the worst,” Pops assured me. “If you had met any other side, you would have been fine. Greed is a bit self-centered, but he would have been harmless. Now, he probably wouldn’t have been necessarily nice to you unless you had something he wanted, but at worst, he would just be cold and disinterested. Sloth is a lazy son of a- I mean, he’s very laid back and relaxed in, well, all aspects of his life. I have been told he is a rather ‘chill’ guy to ‘hang’ with.”

I laughed. “Let me guess, Anx said that?”

“Hit the nail on the head.” He made a face, as if disgusted those words had ever left his mouth.

Smiling, I hugged Pops a bit tighter. “What other sides are there?”

“Well, there’s Wrath. He’s… quite the character, I suppose.”

“What’s he like?”

“He’s a difficult character to put into words. An accurate description of him is, well, passionate. He cares very deeply about things. In fact, there are very few things that he doesn’t have an opinion on. And he is more than willing to let you know his opinion, whether you wanted to hear it or not. But he’s a rather nice guy, at least to most. He’s not the most friendly of sides, but he’d be willing to help you out and make sure you were okay. He’s probably the most helpful of any of the remaining sides, if we’re being perfectly honest.” Deceit laughed slightly. “He’d help you, but he’d scold and berate you the whole time for your stupidity and recklessness.”

“Sounds kinda like Anx,” I offered.

“Yes, I suppose you’re right. Although I’m not sure what Anxiety would have done had he been the one to find you.”

“Probably scream at me,” I shrugged.

Dee laughed. “I imagine so. He hates Lust, wishes he was dead. I can’t exactly blame him. While all the rest of the darksides have redeeming qualities, I have never been able to find any good in Lust, no matter how hard I looked. He is the only side here who I believe truly deserves it.”

“I don’t blame him,” I muttered. “If I had my sword, I would have rammed it up that bastard’s-”

“Alright, point taken, Remus,” Pops chuckled.

“Sorry,” I mumbled.

“No,” he said, and I blinked in surprise. “Don’t apologize. You should never apologize for being yourself, son. You are wonderful and perfect exactly as you are. I just simply would rather you keep some thoughts to yourself, if it’s all the same with you.”

“Sure!” I said brightly. “I can do that.”

“Thank you.”

We were quiet for a moment, Deceit walking calmly and casually down the halls of the Darkside, me perched on his shoulders, holding the lantern so he could see where he was going, although I didn’t think he really needed it too much, Dee seemed to have the entire layout of the Darkside memorized, from what I’d seen.

“Hey, Pops?”

“Yes, Remus?”

“How did you know how to find me? You always seem to know where one of us is whenever we need you. Are you magic or something?”

He laughed. “I wouldn’t necessarily call it magic, but in a sense, I suppose I am. When you were living in the Lightside, did you notice Morality displaying any similar abilities to what I can do?”

“Well, he always seemed to know where we were. Playing hide and seek was never fair with him. He always knew where we were hiding, and he always went after me first. And he had almost a radar when it came to me and me and Roman fighting. He was always there in seconds to step in and break it up.” I shivered, remembering something. “And… he had this way of looking at you. It was… almost as if he was looking through you, looking deep into the depths of your heart and finding all your secrets and your sins. It was…”

“Terrifying?” Pops finished, his voice soft, almost reflective. “Yes, I have been on the receiving end of those stares more times than I care to remember. Well, as I’m sure you no doubt know, Morality is the leader of the Lightside. He has the most influence with Thomas, and by association, he has the most power. He is also one of the oldest sides in the mindscape, and the most favored of Thomas. I am much like Morality in that sense. I am the leader of the Darkside. I have the most influence out of any of us here, and I have the most power out of all of us. I am not particularly favored by Thomas, but I do have a lot of power over him, as he lies quite often, whether to others or to himself, and I am his sense of self preservation. He would be dead if it weren’t for me. And as such, both Morality and I have powers that others don’t.”

My eyes lit up at that. “What can you do, Pops?”

Dee chuckled at my enthusiasm. “Well, I know the whereabouts of every side in the Dark, whether they are dark or light, which is how I knew you and Logan entered the Darkside in the first place, and how I can locate you in times of distress. I can also sense if any of you are in pain or danger, which is quite useful, as you can’t seem to keep out of trouble. And I can silence a side, keep them from speaking until I want them too, and reveal any side to Thomas that I wish.”

“You can silence other sides?! That is so cool! Can you silence me? Please?”

“Not right now, Remus. I’ll show you how it works some other time. I am quite tired after all of that. Oh, and I forgot to mention that I can tell if another side is lying, whether it be a lie of omission, commission, or character lies.”

“That’s awesome! I have a question though. What do you mean by the whole ‘revealing a side to Thomas’ thing?”

“Well, as the leader of the Darksides, I’m meant to keep you all in line, in a way. I keep everyone well-behaved, doing their job, and out of trouble the best I can. But I’m also somewhat of a gateway between the Darkside and the Light.”

“Wait, what? How?”

He sighed. “It’s quite complicated. If you don’t mind, Remus, I’d rather talk about that later. All you need to know right now is that I am able to communicate with Thomas directly if I so choose, but I haven’t chosen to.”

“Why not? If you could tell Thomas about us, wouldn’t we be safer from the fade?”

“I fear that if I were to reveal myself to Thomas, he would be afraid of me. Or even worse, the other sides would turn him against me. If I try to introduce all the darksides through that method, Thomas might not accept any of us, or at least, I doubt he would accept all of us. And those he doesn’t accept will become targets of Morality for the fade. They would likely begin to fade before Thomas accepts them, if he ever does, meaning that they would have died for nothing. I can’t risk it, Remus. As much as I’d love to talk to Thomas directly and provide you all with a safety net in case Morality targets you, I don’t want to risk anyone else fading before their time. We’re safe right now. You and Anxiety are safe. That’s the most important thing to me right now. I can’t bear to lose either of you. One day maybe we can talk to Thomas directly like the others, but for now, we must wait and be patient.”

“I understand. I love you, Pops.”

“I love you too, Remus.”

And as we made our way through the depths of the Darkside back to the commons, I felt my mind begin to drift here and there. The thought of family and love and safety kept circling back, as well as how limited our time could be. As much as Pops assured me that I was safe from the fade and as determined as he was to keep us safe, I knew that there was still a risk, even if it wasn’t that great. I didn’t want to die with any regrets. I didn’t want to leave any unfinished business. There was still one person I desperately wished to talk to, but I wasn’t sure if he wanted to see me. We hadn’t left on the best of terms, and I had no idea if he even missed me at all, or if he were glad that I had gone. But that didn’t matter in the moment. I knew what I had to do, and while it certainly wasn’t going to be easy, I had to stand strong. He was my brother, and whether we agreed on everything or not, we still needed each other. We still loved each other, or at least, I loved him. So with that in mind, I knew what I had to do next. I had to talk to Roman.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! Yeah, I know, it's been a while again. Sorry about that. I'll be more consistent about my posting eventually, I promise. XD I start school tomorrow, which will be lots of _fun._ Could you read the sarcasm there? Good. Anyway, with that being the case, I have no idea how much time I'll have to write. We'll have to play it by ear for now. I do plan on finishing this book before this year is over (hopefully), so expect me to post more often than before. I love you all, thank you for reading, and I'll talk to everyone in the comments. Thanks for sticking with me this far! I hope this was worth the wait!
> 
> ~Your Fellow Fander


	23. Remus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two chapters in two days? What a record! Don't get too used to this, though. I'm not nearly this motivated on the regular. XD
> 
> Ah, I guess you're waiting for some sort of witty quip about this chapter, huh? How about, "Siblings, am I right?"?

“Woah! Easy girl!” I called, pulling on my horse’s reins slightly as we nearly ran face-first into a thorn bush, dodging it at the last second and skidding in the dirt as a result.

Pandora whickered softly in reproach, and I patted her before gently urging her on. “Sorry, Pan. I guess I’m a bit distracted. I still have no idea why the gate is open.”

She tossed her head before working her way back up to a gallop, and I did my best to focus my attention on where I was guiding her, although in the back of my mind, I was still trying to figure out what might have happened. The gate was never open. It had been closed and locked ages ago, after Roman first declined the offer to spend time with me in favor of Morality, and it hadn’t been opened since.

After Pops and I had returned to the commons he had retired to his room, exhausted from dealing with the consequences of my latest misadventure. Feeling guilty and wanting to let him take it easy, I had decided to head back to my room and brainstorm a way to get in contact with that irksome brother of mine, but the second I had stepped in my room, I had sensed that something was off. Going to the balcony, I had glanced out at my realm, satisfied that everything was exactly as it should be, when I noticed that the gate separating our two realms was open, leading to my impromptu horseback riding excursion. I had to make sure none of my creations had wandered into his realm or vice versa, or Roman would have my head. I shivered slightly, remembering the last time one of my creatures had escaped. I wasn’t going to let it happen again.

“C’mon, Pan. Faster,” I urged, sitting forward in the saddle and squinting at the faint silhouette of the gate beyond the shroud of fog.

She whinnied in response, her hooves digging deep into the path in effort, sending dirt flying behind us in a large arc with every step. We were almost there, just a few more yards, and I could see the metal posts of the fence looming over us ominously. I couldn’t tell if any creatures were not where they belonged, not through the rapidly thinning layers of fog, but I just prayed that none of my creations had managed to cause chaos and devastation in Roman’s realm. He would be furious at me, whether it was my fault or not.  _ How the hell did the gate open in the first place?! It was covered in layers of vines, a variety of locks, and metal chains thicker than my torso! _

When I deemed that we were close enough, I pulled on Pandora’s reins, slowing her down to a gentle trot before hopping off, summoning weapons as I went and leaving her to wander. I knew she wouldn’t stray too far, and to be frank, I was more concerned about what on earth had caused the gate to open than getting back to my castle at the moment. I snuck along quickly, my knees bent and head ducked low and I scanned the entrance to the gate for anything amiss. It didn’t take me long to see the figure standing in the midst of the fog pooling along the forest floor, holding a sword and shield and wearing a rather princely crown.  _ R-Roman?! _

That threw me through a loop, and I froze in my steps, staring at the figure in shock.  _ What the hell is _ he _ doing here?! Did he see the gate was open and came to investigate? Or… was… was  _ he _ the one to open it? _

Roman stepped forward out of the fog, and I strengthened my resolve, standing tall and letting my morningstar casually hang at my side, my fingers gripping its handle so tightly that little splinters of wood dug into my hand. Stepping forward myself, I sauntered over until there were only a few feet between us. Roman stared at me, his expression unreadable and his sword blade resting on his shoulder.

“Creativity,” I greeted coldy, ignoring how badly it hurt not to call him by his name. “To what do I owe the pleasure? This your handiwork?” I asked, gesturing at the gate with my weapon.

“Remus,” he returned, his voice less cold and more uncertain. “I… had hoped that you would be here.”

I tilted my head curiously. “Oh really? That’s quite the surprise. I seem to recall someone calling me a villain and telling me he never wanted to see me again once upon a time. So, what’s changed since then?”

Roman flinched at my hostile tone. “I… I know I’ve said and done some things that cannot be forgiven. But-”

“But what?” I snapped. “What could you possibly have to say that would make any of this better, Roman? Tell me, please! How long have you ignored me?” I began marching forward, my morningstar dragging in the dirt. Roman backed up, hands raised in front of him in surrender. “How long have you treated me like I was worthless, like I was worth less than the dirt you trample beneath your perfectly pedicured feet? How long have you isolated me, gave me backhanded compliments, and talked about me behind my back?” I jabbed a finger at his chest, and he flinched back. “How long have you  _ made me wish I was dead? How long have you made me wish I was never created in the first place?” _

“R-Remus-” he choked.

“Shut up!” I screamed. “You never listen! You never care! Don’t you dare try and talk your way out of this! Nothing you can say can  _ ever _ make  _ any _ of this better!”

“You’re right. I can’t say anything. But I  _ can _ do something. Duel me.”

I blinked at him. “What?”

“Beat the shit out of me. Go on. It’ll make you feel better, won’t it? At least a little?”

Staring at him for a second, I burst into hysterical, slightly maniacal giggles. He took a step back, his hand resting nervously on his sword hilt. Once I had recovered from my laughing fit, I twirled my morningstar in my hands before a wicked smile stretched across my face. “Oh, you have  _ no idea _ how much I’m going to enjoy this.”

And with that, I lunged at my brother.

Metal clashed with metal, causing an ear splitting shriek as the weapons collided. I parried his swing before kicking out, my foot connecting with his stomach, sending him flying. Even before he hit the ground, he was reaching in his belt and grabbing a collection of throwing stars, chucking them at my head as he hit the ground. I summoned a broadsword and reflected most of them, watching as they buried themselves in nearby trees, but one managed to lodge itself in my shoulder. I didn’t scream or cry in pain, instead chuckling wildly and viciously ripping the metal from my skin and tossing it aside.

Roman stared at me in shock, unprepared and caught off-guard, when I clocked him in the face with a hammer, watching as he stumbled back and raised his shield to block the second swing. He spun around and tried to deliver a blow to the back of my knees, but I leapt over his attack and hit him in the face with his own shield. He let out an angry huff before punching me in the chest and delivering a blow to my head with the blunt end of his sword. I stumbled back into a tree, jumping to the side just in time to miss a lance that would have stabbed me through the chest, piercing the scarred wood that had already been marred by many of our previous advances.

Creating a bow and arrow, I unleashed a flurry of arrows at Roman, who weaved his way between the trees, avoiding them easily and summoning a swear, which he threw at me. It nicked my side, drawing blood, but I didn’t pay it any mind, instead rushing at my brother and knocking him off his feet with my morningstar. He hit the ground hard, the breath knocked out of his lungs, but he still tried to get to his feet, falling back down when I punched him in the face, splitting open his lip and bruising his jaw. He struggled to get up again, but my knee was on his chest, holding him in place, and he was suddenly trapped, completely defenseless and at my mercy. He stared up at me, fear growing in his eyes, but he didn’t try to resist, instead closing his eyes and subjecting himself to whatever terrible fate awaited him.

For a second, I almost considered it. It would have been so easy to hit him while he was down, to hurt him while he was defenseless. I had every right to. He deserved all this and more, after what he had done to me. But… it didn’t feel right. I didn’t want to hurt Roman. He was my brother, and I loved him. I never wanted to fight with him. Besides, Roman had been right about one thing, dueling him  _ had _ helped. It let me get out all my anger and frustrations in a way that talking never could. That didn’t mean I had forgiven him, not entirely. But it was a start.

I glanced at the knife in my hand, and Roman winced, flinching away and waiting to feel the blade graze his skin, but he stared at me in shock as I let it fall, hitting the dirt with a soft  _ thud _ . Taking my knee off his chest, I held out a hand.

“Get up, dumbass,” I told him before offering him a small, shaky smile.

His face lit up as a grin stretched from cheek to cheek. “Thanks, moron.”

He took my hand and I helped him up, but instead of letting go, I pulled him into a hug. “I missed you,” I whispered, tears gathering in my eyes.

I heard Roman sniffle, felt him return the hug just as warmly and genuinely. “I missed you too,” he admitted.

“You were the one who pushed me away in the first place.”

“I know.”

“You’re an idiot.”

“I know.”

“But you’re my idiot.” I hugged him tighter, and I felt him laugh.

“I’m so sorry, Rem,” he murmured.

“You better be, you royal pain in the ass.”

"How dare you use such slander against a prince!"

He let go and shoved me away, scowling at me. I fell on my ass in the dirt, too shocked to do or say anything. We both stared at each other for a moment before breaking into hysterical laughter. Roman reached out a hand to help me up, but I pulled him down with me, laughing even harder as he fell face first into the dirt with a grunt. Our giggles were the only sound disturbing the silence as we laid back on the ground, staring up at the sky. I gazed in admiration at the way the blood-red sky from my realm slowly faded into the cheerful blue of Roman’s, creating a purple hue that lived in this small strip of existence between our two realms, and-  _ Wait. That’s it! _

“Roman!” I exclaimed, shooting up in excitement.

“What?” he asked, sitting up and gazing at me curiously.

“I just had the most amazing idea to ever exist!”

He raised an eyebrow. “And what is this amazing idea, exactly?”

“What if we create our own space, a place just for us, between our realms? It could be something that no one else knows about, a hidden area that uses both of our ideas and blends them together to create something entirely different!”

Roman’s doubtful expression vanished in an instant. “That sounds amazing!”

“Told you!”

He ignored me. “But there’s so many things to think about. Where to put this place, how to hide it, what to create in this place-”

“Ro, chill,” I warned him.

“Right, sorry,” he said sheepishly, rubbing the back of his head.

“You think  _ way _ too much. Here, take my hand.”

“Oooookay...?”

He took my hand.

“Close your eyes.”

He closed his eyes.

“Now, summon your powers. Don’t think of anything in particular. Just summon raw creative energy, okay?”

He nodded.

Closing my eyes, I did the same.

“Now, let go.”

I felt a powerful burst of energy release from both of us, kicking up a cloud of dirt and leaving everything with a slight electrical charge for a second. We both opened our eyes to find that we weren’t in either of our realms, but in a different area entirely. We both breathed a quiet “Woah” as we took in the beauty surrounding us.

The sky was a beautiful shade of violet, although it wasn’t pure purple. There were certain spots in the sky that were a bit more blue or a bit more red in areas, and the shade of purple varied here and there, but it was beautiful regardless. There were little white puffy clouds that looked silver in some areas, and there was both a sun and moon in the sky, glowing brightly and giving off a vibrant light. 

The terrain was a collection of different biomes, each separated by a thin silver and gold line on the ground. There was an arctic zone right next to a valley and across from a desert. There was both an ocean and a cluster of mountains in the distance, as well as a plateau and jungle surrounding us. I took a timid step from the forest in which we stood to the desert and felt the air immediately grow hot and heavy and humid. Stepping back into the woods, I shook the sand off my clothes, laughing breathlessly.

There were a variety of living creatures everywhere, some real and others fantastical, but all were extremely detailed and seemed to act on their own accord, exactly as animals should. Some were a bit more horrific in nature than others, but none were too disturbing, exactly as I would expect from a combination of our powers. I watched in delight as a butterfly landing on Roman’s outstretched finger, the wings beautifully colored, but their design being that of a cluster of eyeballs staring at you. He made a face, but I could tell he admired it a lot more than he was willing to admit.

In the middle of the territory, a few feet from where we were standing, there was a large, elaborate, beautifully crafted gazebo, in which a collection of tables, chairs, and other furniture stood. Taking Roman’s hand, I dragged him over to it and we stepped inside, admiring all the little touches that were just so… us. There was a fireplace near the seating area, the flames rainbow instead of their signature reds and oranges. There were fairy lights hanging from the ceiling by cobweb strings and skulls decorating the bookshelves, flowers sprouting out of the tops of their heads. There was an eating area that had a table big enough to hold a whole host of people, as well as a bar area. There was a large counter space with a grill and refrigerator, just to name a few of the many appliances that collected there. I couldn’t help but imagine my family eating dinner here together, and I felt incredibly content.

“This…” Roman began, making a slow circle as he struggled to take everything in. “This is amazing! Everything is so perfect. I mean, even the carpeting is perfect!” he said, gesturing to the white carpeting below us, which was covered with red flowers that resembled blood splatters from far away.

“It really is, isn’t it? I can’t believe that we were able to create all of this. I… I don’t even feel tired. Usually creating anything this big would completely drain me, if not knock me out completely.”

“Same here.”

“You know, it’s kinda funny,” I remarked.

“What is?” Roman asked, glanced at me.

“Morality separated us because he was afraid that I was ‘corrupting’ you with my brand of creativity. He thought that if you worked alone, you would be so much stronger because you wouldn’t have to constantly correct everything I ‘messed up’. But in reality, he made us both so much weaker by keeping us apart. If only he could see this, could see what we could do together.”

Roman squeezed my shoulder. “That doesn’t matter, Rem.  _ We _ know what we’re capable of, and that’s all that matters.”

I placed my hand on top of his, smiling softly. “You’re right. This is our place, no one else's. It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks of us. He’ll never get to see us at our full potential. He doesn’t deserve to.”

“Exactly.”

“And you know what?”

“Hmm?”

“That’s good enough for me.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! Thanks for reading! I'm so glad that you all are so invested in this novel. It means so much knowing that there are so many people eagerly awaiting every update I post. You all are my greatest motivation, and I am so thankful for each and every one of you. I hope you stick with me through the rest of this roller coaster ride, as shit's about to go down. I hope you're all ready, because it isn't going to be much longer until we get into the really good stuff. And by good stuff, I mean y'all are gonna hate me so much. XD I wish I could say sorry, but I'm not. I enjoy making you all suffer way too much for that. Anyway, thanks for reading and I'll see you all in the next chapter!
> 
> ~Your Fellow Fander


	24. Deceit

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What's this? Cheesy fluff? "Who are you and what have you done to Prison?!" Fear not my little angstlings, this is but a brief respite before the _real_ angst begins. Be prepared, because it's coming soon.  
> 
> 
> **Two more chapters**

_Where is it?_

Getting on the step stool, I opened up one of the doors of the upper cabinets and began digging through the contents of the shelves. _No. Nope. That’s not it. Where on Earth did it go? I know I didn’t lose it. It must be in here somewhere._ Reaching into the back of the cabinet, I felt my fingers brush something familiar. _Ah! Now we’re getting somewhere._ Reaching in the back, I dragged out a stack of cookbooks, some of them bigger than my head, and haphazardly climbed down the step stool with full arms. Once I had safely reached the ground, I plopped the books on the kitchen counter and heaved a sigh of relief. Who knew cookbooks were so heavy?

Leaning on the counter, I grabbed the first book off the stack and began skimming through it before putting it aside. _Not that one._ Reaching for the next one, I flipped through it for a few minutes before moving on to another. It took me a while to find the cookbook I was looking for, but I finally found it, celebrating by holding the book to my chest and grinning like an idiot. Skimming through all the dessert options, my eyes landed on the one that had been on my mind all morning. Homemade Chocolate Fudge. _Perfect._

Wrath had always had a sweet tooth, and if I remembered correctly, chocolate was his favorite. Pulling out a baking pan and tying an apron around my waist, I opened the cookbook to the recipe with a wicked grin on my face. _Let’s get baking._

The recipe itself wasn’t all that complicated. Grease the baking pan, put the ingredients in a saucepan, stir and boil them, simmer the mixture until it’s the right consistency, mix in a few more ingredients, pour it in the baking tray and let it cool down, and then you’re done. However, making sure the temperature was right and the fudge turned out to be the right consistency was a bit more challenging. Luckily, I was more than up for the challenge. My baking prowess was unmatched by anyone in the entire mindscape, after all.

Cutting the fudge into squares, I filled a plate of them with about ten or so pieces placed decoratively in the shape of a mountain before covering it in saran wrap. Reaching for one of the tiny cards sitting on the counter, I grabbed a black pen and scribbled out a message. I didn’t plan it out. I knew that if I did, it wouldn’t feel genuine. It wouldn’t feel real, so I didn’t. I just wrote from the heart and hoped that maybe, just maybe, that would be enough.

Chewing my lip, I stared at the card for a minute before sighing and setting the pen aside. _It’s fine. I mean, it’s not as if he’ll even bother to read it, anyway. Even if he does, there’s no way he’d even care._ Still, I couldn’t help the little shred of hope hiding deep within the darkest recess of my heart as I tied the card to the platter with a black ribbon. Gathering the tray in my arms, I began the long, slow walk towards the inner veins of the Darkside, hoping that I wouldn’t regret this decision.

 _This is stupid. Why am I even trying? This is Wrath we’re talking about! He’s not going to care. He’ll probably just think this is a pathetic excuse for a peace offering._ I shook my head, but that did nothing to shake loose the doubts that were lodging themselves in my brain, refusing to leave. **Just give it up already! He’ll never see you as anything other than the cause of Hatred’s death. He hates you. He’s always hated you, and he always will. Nothing you could do would ever change that.**

I dug my nails into the flesh of my palm, hoping that pain would snap me out of it, but it didn’t seem to do me any good. _No!_ I thought desperately. _He_ will _like it. He_ will _read the card. He_ will _consider my offer. He might hate me, but he is willing to at least put up with me and hear what I have to say. That has to mean something, right?_

**Sure, keep telling yourself that, Deceit.**

I nearly dropped the tray. _No. Nonononononono! Shut up. Shut. Up._

A cold, pitiless chuckle echoed in my mind. **No matter what you do or where you go, you’ll never be able to escape me.**

_No…_

**After all, you can’t outrun the thoughts trapped in your own mind.**

_Enough!_

There was only silence.

I shivered, pulling my cloak tighter around me. Taking a deep breath, I pulled myself together and carried on. After all, I had no time to dawdle over random thoughts.

My breath plumed out around me in a white cloud as I walked along, my breathing a bit ragged and harsh to my ears. My fingertips buzzed with the cold as they clutched the metal tray of treats, growing icy and numb with every step further that I took. _The Darkside is c-colder than I remember,_ I thought, huddling in on myself even more. _I don’t remember it being so frigid. Or… maybe I’m shaking from more than the cold. It’s hard to tell anymore._

I wished I had my gloves with me. If my hands were only warm, then I would be fine. Anxious and jittery as hell, sure, but at least it wouldn’t feel like there were tiny pins and needles shooting through my fingers every time I moved them. Adjusting my grip on the platter, I hissed a curse at the dull ache, half considering heading back the way I came and giving up. _No. I need to do this. There’s no going back._

I wondered what Wrath was doing right then. _Probably beating up his punching bag,_ I thought with a smirk that melted to a sentimental grin. _It’s a miracle he hasn’t torn that thing to shreds yet, although I suppose I wouldn’t know if he had. For all I know, he might replace them every day!_ I laughed faintly at the thought before my mind turned to more serious thoughts. _I wonder if he ever visits Jealousy. Neither of them have ever mentioned it, but I doubt they would. Wrath is barely on speaking terms with me as it is, and Jeal would probably avoid the subject for fear of upsetting me._ I shook my head. _It’s a wonder things haven’t gone to shit before now, with the state this family is in. What am I going to do with them?_ I knew the answer without even having to think twice. _Love them. That’s really all I can do. And if I’m being honest, I wouldn’t change a thing anyway. Our family might be a bit of a mess, but it’s our own, and I wouldn’t trade it for the world._

My foot caught the edge of a staircase and I tripped, nearly falling down the stairs. Catching myself on the railing, I felt my heartrate kick up in tempo as I struggled to control my breathing.

“Huh. D-don’t remember that s-staircase being there,” I wheezed, placing a hand to my chest in an attempt to ground myself. “The Darkside must have mixed itself up again. That would explain the temperature change. Damn, and I was just getting used to the new layout too.” I laughed breathlessly, but there was no humor in my voice.

Taking the stairs two at a time, I made my way to the bottom before hooking two lefts and a right, finding myself at Wrath’s door far sooner than I had been expecting, sooner than I would have liked, too. My nerves, which were already fried after the staircase incident, were now being burnt alive with a blowtorch as I forced my feet to approach the beaten, worn door of the passionate darkside. Setting the tray down on the doormat, I took a step back before knocking on the door. I waited for a moment, the only thing greeting me was silence, before I quickly and quietly left the inner chambers of the Darkside, heading back towards the warmth and light of the commons, where I knew my sons would be waiting for me.

“Happy Birthday, Wrath,” I murmured before I vanished down the corridors, my footsteps soft in the billows of fog coating the floor. “I love you.”

A pale face peeked out into the dark, twisted, foggy hallway that connected their room to the rest of the mindscape. The face watched as the shadowy figure of the snake-like side disappeared in the fog, leaving behind no trace of his presence besides the tray of fudge bars sitting at the door and the words hanging in the air that had been spoken only a few moments ago. The door opened all the way, revealing the shocked face of Wrath staring after his visitor in disbelief. He stared down at the gift left for him, the words of the retreating side still ringing in his ears as his mind played catch-up. _He… remembered?_

Wrath knelt down and picked up the tray of fudge, admiring the mountain of slices awaiting him, all wrapped in a neat black bow. He peered out into the inky darkness of the corridor for only a moment longer, squinting by the light of the dimly glowing stars for any sign of Deceit’s retreating form, but it seemed he was truly gone. Wrath sighed, closing the door behind him before walking over and setting the gift on the rickety, tilted old table. Flopping down in one of the folding chairs surrounding the table, he peeled back the saran wrap and took out a piece of fudge, examining it for a moment before taking a bite. A hum of pleasure escaped his throat as he proceeded to stuff the rest of the fudge bar into his mouth, closing his eyes as he savored the chocolatey goodness. Chocolate. His favorite.

Something caught his eye and he reached over to pluck a small card from the black ribbon. The card was simple in design, A white card with a black symbol centered there, the black and white flaming fist identical to the symbol that was sewn into Wrath’s biker jacket, which was slung casually over the back of the chair in which he slouched. Blinking, he fingered the crest which must have taken so long to draw, as it was extremely detailed and delicate looking, before opening up the card and reading its contents.

_Wrath,_

_Before anything else, I just wanted to wish you a happy birthday. I know you don’t appreciate that sappy shit, so I’ll keep this brief. It’s been a pleasure_ _looking after you all these years. You cannot imagine the joy I’ve had, watching you grow up to be the person you are today, and even if we are no longer close as we once were, it is still a joy to see you become more and more accustomed in your own skin and self-reliant. You are incredibly strong, far stronger than I could ever hope to be, and I just wanted you to know how proud I am of the young man you’ve become._

_I was wondering if you would care to join us in the commons today. Remus, Anxiety and I were planning on having a movie night, maybe even playing a couple board games, and I was hoping you would attend. You don’t have to come today if you don’t want to. Heck, you don’t have to come ever, if that is what you want. But I just want to let you know that the invitation is always open. You’re still a part of this family, Odysseus, and you’re always welcome to come back if you wish._

_Happy Birthday, Wrath. I love you._

_~D_

“Ha! Beat you again! Take that, emo!” Remus crowed before getting up to run a victory lap around the couch.

“Only cause you cheated,” Anx glowered from his seat on the floor, knees tucked to his chest and hood over his eyes.

“You can’t cheat in this game. It’s physically impossible,” he assured his older brother, who didn’t look convinced in the least.

“I have no doubt you could find a way if you put your mind to it,” he muttered.

Remus laughed at that. “Well, you’re not wrong. However, have you considered the fact that I did not, in fact, cheat and that you’re just really bad at this game?”

Anxiety stuck his tongue out at him, having run out of clever comebacks.

“Boys, play nice,” I droned from the armchair, not even glancing up from my book.

There was silence for a moment, and I looked up just in time to see Remus leap onto my lap. I gave a grunt as all the air was knocked from my lungs and reached out to grab Remus before he fell backwards off my lap. “I’d appreciate a little warning next time,” I said mildly, and he giggled.

“Play with us, Pops!”

I blinked at him. “You want me to… play video games with you?”

“Yeah!”

“Why?”

“It would be fun! Please, Pops?”

I glanced over at Anxiety to see him nodding, his eyes lighting up a bit. I sighed. “Well, alright, but you have to teach me how to play first.”

“Deal! Now come on!” Remus cried, yanking on my sleeve.

Laughing, I shoved him off my lap and onto a pillow before joining them on the floor. Remus giggled wildly from where he was sprawled upside down and Anx handed me a remote before instructing me on what each button did as well as the objective of the game. Soon, we were all ready for the first round.

Fifteen rounds later and it seems they were beginning to regret asking me to play.

“How are you so damn good at this game?” Anxiety demanded from where he was slumped over, leaning against the couch.

“What the actual fuck?” Remus said incredulously from where he was sprawled out across the floor, arm flung over his face in defeat.

I glanced at the TV screen that had once again declared me the victor before shrugging. “No idea. I just do whatever my instincts tell me to.”

“Well, could you tell your instincts to shut the hell up and save some wins for the rest of us?” Anx demanded.

“Fifteen times _in a row_!” Remus groaned.

“I believe this is an appropriate time to tell you to ‘get good’,” I replied with a smirk, quoting a phrase I had heard Anxiety use before.

They both stared at me in shock, and I wondered for a moment if I had once again blundered the use of the word, when they both burst into laughter. Their laughter was so contagious that I couldn’t help but join in, and soon we were all gasping for air, tears streaming down our cheeks at the stupidity of it all. Once we had all managed to calm down, I managed to sit up and wipe away the last of the tears before glancing at my sons.

“Would you boys care to help me make dinner?” I asked, glancing at my watch and noting it was already around 4:30.

Remus’s entire face lit up like a Christmas tree. “Yes!”

“Sure,” shrugged Anx. “Got nothing better to do.”

“Excellent. Everyone wash their hands and meet me in the kitchen.”

Remus saluted me before darting out of the living room and towards the bathroom and Anxiety followed him, his pace much more leisurely than his brother’s. Shaking my head, I headed towards the kitchen, washing my hands in the sink before looking in the fridge for any ideas. I ended up settling on lasagna, figuring it would be something fun and easy to make with them. Gathering all the ingredients, I tied an apron around my waist and waiting for my assistant chefs to join me.

Half an hour later, I was beginning to regret allowing them to help. All three of us were covered with flour, there was eggshell in Remus’s hair, and Anx had a smear of tomato sauce across his cheek. I watched with a sigh as Remus lobbed a piece of onion at his brother, prompting an impromptu chase around the kitchen. Still, I couldn’t help but laugh as Anxiety eventually caught his brother and broke yet another egg over his head, shaking my head at them wearily. Glancing up at the sauce that had managed to get on the ceiling somehow to the cheese-covered countertop and the flour all over the floor, I decided that they were going to be charged with cleaning the kitchen after we were done. _You make the mess, you clean it up,_ I thought with a nod, although I knew that I’d probably have to go back and clean again later to make sure they didn’t miss anything. I didn’t mind, really. Cleaning was an excellent way to distract oneself from dark thoughts, and I was in dire need of some sort of escape.

Sticking the lasagna in the oven, I set the timer before turning to the boys. Anxiety was noogying his brother, who was squirming in his grasp and trying to bite his hand. I snapped my fingers and they both turned to me, wide eyed and attentive. Standing there, one eyebrow raised as if daring rebellion, I held a broom and dustpan out for them to take.

They did not protest, much to my surprise, instead taking on the task with just as much energy and zeal as they had in the food fight that had caused this mess in the first place. I watched in amusement as they zipped around the kitchen, Anxiety sweeping the flour into a big pile on the floor and Remus summoning an enormous, spindly looking ladder to clean the sauce off the ceiling. Shaking my head at them, a slight laugh catching in the back of my throat, I began to brush the cheese off the counter and into a trash can and wiping down the cabinets, which were covered in a variety of fingerprints and lasagna ingredients. As I worked, I began to hum softly under my breath, not even conscious of the moment when my humming turned into singing, nor the silent stillness that grew behind me at the sound.

_“The world’s not perfect, but it’s not that bad if we got each other, and that’s all we have. I will be your father, and I’ll hold your hand. You should know I’ll be there for you. When the world’s not perfect, when the world’s not kind, if we have each other then we’ll both be fine. I will be your father, and I’ll hold your hand. You should know I’ll be there for you.”_

“Pops, I didn’t know you could sing!” Remus exclaimed.

I flinched, dropping the dish rag as my eyes darted over to where Remus and Anxiety were waiting. Anx was leaning against the island, a slight grin on his face, probably the warmest his expression had been in a while. Remus was bouncing on the balls of his feet in time with the song, an eager look in his eyes. I let out a breath, running my hands through my hair in an effort to regain my poise.

“Yes, well, I suppose I dabble in music every now and then,” I remarked before turning back to the counter, picking up the towel and wetting it in the sink once more.

“Seven years.”

I blinked at him, confused.

“It’s been seven years since I’ve heard you sing,” Anxiety continued, and I felt my stomach twist slightly.

“I… hadn’t realized it had been so long,” I murmured.

I felt a hand on my shoulder, squeezing it lightly. “I missed it. You always had such a broad spectrum of emotions when you sing. It was breathtaking to watch.”

A light blush of embarrassment coated my cheeks, and I quickly shoved his hand away. “Since when are you this sappy?”

“I prefer the term: sentimental. And I don’t really know. I just kinda feel that way today. Is that so bad?” he shrugged.

“I suppose not. It’s just odd is all. I would have never expected it from you.”

He smiled. “Yeah, it’s pretty strange. Um, Dee?”

“Yes, Anxiety?” I replied, reaching up to wipe one of the cabinet doors.

“Do you remember when you used to sing to me every night before I went to sleep?”

I felt a soft smile bloom on my lips. “I do. It’s one of my favorite memories with you. You used to hurry off to bed each night because you knew it meant I would sing to you longer. Each night you asked for the same song, and after a while, you’d start to sing along. Then I’d tuck you in and wish you good night.”

 _“Close your eyes, lay your head down. Now it’s time to sleep. May you find great adventure as you lie and dream. If you’re scared of the darkness, I will calm your fear. There’s a light in the hallway, so you know I’m here,”_ Anxiety sang.

 _“So count your blessings every day. It makes the monsters go away. And everything will be okay. You are not alone. You are right at home. Goodnight, goodnight,”_ I returned before continuing. “ _You won’t need me forever, but I’ll still be here. For we all have our nightmares, even me, my dear. From now on, if you need me, you can sing this song. There’s a light in the hallway burning all night long.”_

Anxiety joined me as we sang the final chorus. _“So count your blessings every day. It makes the monsters go away. And everything will be okay. You are not alone. You are right at home. Goodnight, goodnight.”_

Remus gazed at us, his eyes alight with wonder. I turned to ask him if he was alright, and he tackled me. Stumbling back into the counter, I returned the surprise hug cautiously, wondering what this was all about. _What is he up to?_

“Can you sing this to me every night?” he asked, looking up at me with the cutest puppy-dog eyes I had ever seen.

“Well-” I began.

“Please! Please, please, please! Pleasepleasepleasepleasepleasepleaseplease!” he begged.

“Alright, alright,” I laughed, ruffling his hair. “If you insist, squirt.”

He grinned from ear to ear. “Thanks, Pops!”

“Anytime Remus. Now, get back to cleaning!”

After we had finished eating dinner, I rounded up the boys and we gathered in the living room for family game night. As Remus and Anxiety argued over what board game to play first, I couldn’t help but glance at the hallway leading to the inner recesses of the Darkside, hoping and praying for a glimpse of the tall, dark figure I knew would never show. I sighed, running my fingers through my hair and sliding off the couch and onto the floor near the coffee table. _Stupid. Of course he wouldn’t show up. Why the hell would he want anything to do with you?_

“Are you ready to start, boys?” I asked, trying to get my mind off the disappointment.

Anxiety grinned, triumphantly setting _Monopoly_ on the table while Remus flopped down on a pillow, scowling. “Yep!”

I shook my head in exasperation at their antics before opening the box and bringing out the board and characters. “Alright, let’s get started, then.”

The rounds went by at lightning speed. Around we went, purchasing property, earning money, paying each other, losing money, growing in wealth and crumbling under debt in equal measures. It didn’t take me long to drive them both bankrupt. Remus was too impulsive, purchasing any piece of property he landed on without hesitation. Anxiety was too cautious, barely buying anything and letting me and Remus scoop up all the valuable property before he could get there. I won by a landslide, having bought only the best and most landed on spots and using strategy and a fair bit of luck to get the upper hand.

“No fair!” Remus whined, “How are you so good at this? Are you cheating or something?”

Anxiety was silent, sitting there and staring into the distance. I could feel the thickness in the air, the spark of chaotic energy electrifying the air, and sure enough, I watched as only a moment later, Anx flipped the board, sending all the pieces flying. Paper money littered the floor, my top hat was now resting in my lap, while Remus’s battleship was capsized on the carpet under the table and Anxiety’s cat was somewhere across the room, likely under the TV cabinet. 

I blinked at him as he stared impassively back at me. “Are you satisfied with yourself?” I asked.

“Quite,” he replied.

Shaking my head, I couldn’t help the chuckle that escaped my throat as I stood and began gathering all the scattered money into a pile on the floor. Remus chased after the game pieces, nearly having to crawl under the TV cabinet to fetch the lost cat while Anx worked to collect all the community chest and chance cards that decorated the carpet. Once everything had been cleaned up, Remus brought out _Uno_ , and I prepared myself for war.

We were about halfway through the third round of _Uno_ when something caught my eye. Glancing over my shoulder, I found myself staring at a very uncomfortable looking Wrath standing in the doorway, watching us play with a nervous expression on his face. Getting to my feet, I rushed over to greet him, enveloping him in a hug before he could even think to move.

“Wrath!” I exclaimed. “I’m so glad you made it! We were just playing Uno. Would you like to join us?”

He blinked at me before glancing shyly over at Anxiety and Remus. “I guess,” he murmured.

 _He looks so scared. I’ve never seen Wrath so vulnerable before._ Offering him a warm smile, I took his hand and led him into the living room and offered him a pillow to sit on between me and Remus. Wrath watched wide-eyed as I took everyone’s cards and shuffled them before passing them out once more. As we all examined our cards and began a new round, I observed the way Remus was bouncing up and down, watching Wrath with this huge smile on his face as if Wrath was his new best friend. Anxiety said nothing, keeping an eye on the darkside with a permanent frown in place. I knew that Anx wasn’t a huge fan of Wrath after all that had happened, so I hadn’t really expected much different. I was just grateful they weren’t at each other's throats.

“What’s your name?” Remus asked.

“Uh.. Wrath. And you are?”

“Remus! I stand for Thomas’s Imagination! Do you like video games? What’s your favorite thing to do in your free time? What’s your favorite food? How old are you? When did you meet Dee? Do you know Anxiety? What’s your symbol? Is your favorite color black? Do you know how to ride a motorcycle? What’s the wildest dream you ever had? What do you want for Thomas in the future? Do you know the lightsides?”

“Remus, calm down!” I said, exasperated. “You’re going to pop a blood vessel with all that energy. Wrath might not want to answer your questions. Why don’t we just focus on the game for now?”

“No, it’s fine,” Wrath replied, and my eyebrows shot up in surprise. “He can ask me his questions. I don’t mind.”

“Really?” Anxiety asked, unconvinced.

“Really?!” Remus cried, his eyes lighting up in excitement.

“Sure. Ask away, little man.”

I watched in surprise as Remus peppered Wrath in questions, the other side patiently answering everything in a calm and sincere manner. I had never seen Wrath so open and honest; it was rather shocking to see him like this. He even began asking questions of his own, aiming most of them to Remus, but also asking me and Anxiety a few things every now and then. Remus said something to make him laugh, his head thrown back as his loud, contagious laughter floated in the air. It had been so long since I had heard him laugh. I smiled. _Maybe everything will be alright after all._

We played quite a few more games together, giving _Phase 10_ , _Flinch_ , and _Apples to Apples_ a go before we all migrated to the couch. Anxiety threw in a movie and we all ended up cuddled together, watching a handful of different films. Remus was curled up in my lap, slowly drifting off to sleep as the night went on, all his energy having finally run out after such an eventful day. Anxiety sat on top of the back of the couch, hunched over with his hood over his face, but I could hear him laugh, see him smile, at a comment Wrath made about the movie. He seemed relaxed, happy even, and I was so glad to see them getting along. They had so much in common, and if they could only put aside the past, I was hopeful that they might be able to grow the bonds of friendship from the ashes of their old relationship. Wrath was sprawled out on the couch, sitting up every now and then to gesture wildly and offer an observation about the film that made Anx chuckle. 

I watched my sons all getting along, and for the first time in a while, I felt hope. _Maybe things aren’t as screwed up as I thought. Perhaps we can truly reconcile this broken family into something whole. Maybe… just maybe._

After the last movie was over, Wrath bid us goodnight. He promised that he would return again soon to satisfy Remus’s sleepy pleas, and I was surprised to realize that he meant it. My eye didn’t light up once. He had truly enjoyed himself and he was considering visiting in the future. I had to fight back the urge to tackle him in a hug, as I didn’t want to disturb Remus and I knew it would scare Wrath off. He might have warmed up to me slightly since my first visit, but he still wasn’t necessarily all that fond of me, and I didn’t want to push the limits. 

Anxiety slipped down the shadowy corridor towards his room, wishing me a good night’s sleep through a yawn. Rubbing the sleep from my eyes, I scooped Remus up in my arms and carried him to his room. Tucking him in for the night, I did as I promised and sang to him before kissing him on the forehead and closing the door behind me. Stumbling into my room, I barely had the energy to change into pajamas before falling into bed and curling up in a blanket. My eyelids grew heavy and I let them slip shut, letting go and giving in to the first peaceful dream I had experienced in months. _The world’s not perfect, but it’s not so bad after all. There’s a light in the hallway waiting for me._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey y'all! How are you doing? What are you up to? Enjoying this chapter, I hope! I know, it got pretty cheesy. The song lyrics were a bit extra, I'll admit. Hey, I'm trying to give y'all a bit of happiness before it all goes to hell. Give me some credit! I managed to write a chapter with no angst in it! That's a rarity for me, we all know this. Anyway, I hope you have a good day, and I'll see you in the next chapter. Love you all!
> 
> ~Prison
> 
>  **Songs Used**  
>  _If We Have Each Other_ by Alec Benjamin  
>  _Light In the Hallway_ by Pentatonix
> 
> Check them out! They're amazing songs by amazing artists! Thanks!


	25. Remus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Who doesn't love a cheerful evening stroll through the graveyard? I know I do!
> 
> **one more chapter**

There was a figure in the hallway. This wasn’t necessarily out of the ordinary. I would sometimes come across Anxiety wandering the dark, twisting corridors at odd hours of the day. What caused me to stop in my tracks was the fact that I had passed Anxiety on the way to his room about twenty minutes earlier, claiming he had a headache and promising to play with me later this evening after it passed. Summoning a lantern, I peered into the darkness, squinting through the swirling fog that coated the very air with a chilly dew. The figure was moving at a decent pace a couple yards in front of me, far enough away that I couldn’t make out any details of them but close enough that I could make out the soft taps of their footsteps like little drops of water dripping from a faucet.

 _Please don’t be Lust. Please don’t be Lust. Please don’t Lust._ Became my silent mantra as I hurried after the figure, slowly catching up with them. They were moving at a much faster pace than I had originally thought, and it was all I could do to try and keep up with their pace without tripping over the occasional loose cobblestone or my own feet. Still, I finally got close enough to make out the dark, sweeping cloak and perfectly placed hat of my father figure figment, and I felt myself breathe easier at the sight.

Pops must have heard me approaching, whether by the pounding of my feet on the stone floor or the heaving breaths that I was forced to gasp, I couldn’t say. Who knows, maybe he heard the rapid beating of my heart that seemed to be throbbing loudly in my chest, at least to my own ears. Either way, he turned to face me, his pale skin bathed in the golden light of my lantern, revealing a serious expression and a basket full of flowers.

“Remus,” he greeted, managing a smile that didn’t quite meet his eyes. “What brings you here at this time of day?”

“Just exploring. What are you doing, Pops?”

His smile fell and I saw the sorrow in his eyes. “I’m visiting Hatred. It’s been a while. I’ve been putting it off for a long time. Too long, if I’m being honest with myself. It’s just… hard.”

I felt a rush of understanding wash over me. _Hatred. Uncle Jeal’s brother. A dead side._

“I’m coming with you.”

I saw Dee’s eyes widen. “I don’t know if that’s such a good idea, Remus.”

“Why not?”

“Visiting the dead is a rather dismal activity. I very much doubt you would be interested in such things. Besides, you’ll get bored watching me stand around all day. Surely you would rather continue your exploration.”

“I’m still coming.”

“Are you sure you want to come? It’s not going to be any fun. Depressing matter, visiting the dearly departed. Why force yourself to confront the inevitable when you can live happy and carefree, playing video games with your brother or creating creatures in the Imagination?”

“Pops, you’re not going to convince me to leave.”

He made a noise of frustration. “Why are you so determined to come along in the first place?” Dee demanded.

“I don’t want you going there alone. And if you’re truly honest with yourself, I don’t think you wanna go alone either.”

He was silent, his eyes hidden by the shadow cast by the rim of his hat.

I walked up and took his hand. “So, are you ready to go?” I asked, squeezing his hand with mine.

He squeezed back. “Ready as I’ll ever be.”

“Remember to be respectful, Remus,” Pops warned. “This is not the place to goof off or stir up trouble.”

“I’ll behave, I promise.”

“Good. We’re almost there.”

We continued down the hall quietly, walking hand in hand, Deceit’s basket resting in the crook of his arm and my lantern held aloft to light our way. I could see the tension in Dee’s shoulders, feel the stiffness in his grip on my hand, and I squeezed his hand again in an effort to reassure him. I knew this wouldn’t be easy on me, visiting a bunch of dead sides that I knew nothing about, so I could only imagine how hard this must be on Dee. He was so strong, but even the strongest sides had their limits, and I was pretty sure I was discovering his. I had to be strong for him. That was the only way either of us would make it out of this okay.

“Pops?”

“Yes?”

“Why did you decide to go see them today? What’s the occasion?”

Dee’s grip tightened imperceptibly. “It’s the anniversary of Hatred’s death.”

“Oh.”

I wasn’t sure what I was expecting, but that hadn’t been it.

The rest of the way was spent in silence.

We walked down long stretches of hallways that seemed to go on forever. We passed through secret passageways and hidden corridors. We went up and down flights of stairs. We took sharp turns and went in circles. We went every which way until I was tempted to ask Pops if he had gotten lost somewhere along the way. And then we were there, and I felt the words fall flat in my mouth.

It was by far the nicest graveyard I had ever seen. Not that I was a connoisseur of graveyards or anything, but I had seen my fair share whether through horror movies, ones I had created in the Imagination, or the fears of others that Anx often showed me for inspiration. Still, it was situated just around the bend of what must have been the longest corridor in existence, the large metal fence painted in a fresh coat of black paint, no chipping or flaking in sight. The gate was tall, standing over us and casting a long shadow against the wall. The name of the graveyard was etched into the arch above the door, **SANDERS CEMETERY**.

I stood back, taking in everything, feeling so very small all at once. I could see Pops unlocking the gate, could hear the door sigh as it swung open for the first time in who knows how long, but it all seemed so distant. Usually, the thought of death didn’t really faze me. After all, I embodied a lot of Thomas’s intrusive thoughts, and that thought had been hammered in my head so often that it became meaningless, but truly stopping to think about it put things into an entirely new perspective. _Life is so, so short,_ I realized. _It’s short and it’s painful and there’s nothing you can do about it._ Pops walked over, holding out a hand, and I took it, clinging to it probably a bit too tightly for comfort. I found myself grounded by his touch, brought back down to Earth gently instead of feeling like I was plummeting to my death. _But there are some things that make life worth it. Friends, family, memories, love. There is so much to look forward to. Death comes for all, but it’s what you do in your life that matters most._ Feeling the existential dread slowly alleviate and a sense of serenity take over, I let Deceit lead me into the graveyard.

The cemetery was actually quite small in size. There were about a dozen or so tombstones scattered around in neat little rows, each with a small bouquet of flowers resting in front of the stones as a symbol of love and memory. Although the graveyard was small as far as human standards go, the fact that at least twelve other sides had died before I had even gotten to meet them was… it left a strange feeling in the pit of my stomach. It wasn’t quite fear, and it wasn’t quite sorrow, but an odd combination of the two, combined with an overwhelming hatred for Pat- Morality and all he had done.

I watched quietly as Deceit made his rounds, replacing the old flower bouquets with the ones he had in his basket. As he discarded the flowers from before, I noticed that they, too, were coated in a thick layer of dust, suggesting it had been at least a year, although probably more, since someone had visited to replace them. It reminded me of the rooms I had found earlier in the week and that left a bitter taste in my mouth. _They must be the same sides. I suppose that would be pretty obvious, but it’s no less shocking, and it still hurts. I never got to meet them, and now I never will._

After all the flowers had been replaced with new, fresh flowers, Dee stopped in front of each tombstone and spent a moment, head bowed, deep in thought. I wasn’t sure exactly what he was doing. _Is he praying? Speaking to them?_ Either way, I didn’t want to intrude on the private moment. I waited on the dirt path of the cemetery, gazing at the long blades of grass as they blew in the nonexistent breeze.

Pops approached me and took me by the hand.

“Are we leaving already?” I asked, surprised.

“No.” His voice was soft, almost fragile sounding.

I let him lead me to a grave that I hadn’t noticed earlier. It was in the back corner of the graveyard, resting under a large oak tree. We stopped in front of this gravestone, and I cautiously approached, kneeling down to run my fingers along the etching in the stone. **HATRED CORENTIN SANDERS** , followed by a date I couldn’t read. Glancing at Dee, I found him kneeling beside me, placing the last bouquet of flowers on his grave. I couldn’t read his expression, but I could sense the turmoil growing just under the surface. Crawling over to the tree, I sat underneath it and leaned against the trunk. I closed my eyes, breathing in deeply. I felt Pops settle in next to me and smiled.

Opening my eyes, I gazed out at the expanse of the graveyard and felt silenced and humbled. There were so many former darksides in this room that it was a bit overwhelming. I could feel their presence just as well as I could feel my father’s beside me, and it was a lot to take in. For a while, we sat quietly, content to just remain there and feel the sense of peace and community that was found in every breath, in every blink of an eye, in every imperceptible motion. Suddenly, Dee broke the silence, and I shifted slightly to watch him as he spoke.

“It’s just as I remember it,” he murmured.

“What? The graveyard?” I asked softly.

He nodded. “The atmosphere is… it’s hard to explain.”

“Heavy, but not in a bad way.”

“Yes. It feels neither good nor bad. It just… exists.”

I smiled. “Can you tell me about Hatred?”

“Of course. But where to begin?” Pops leaned back against the tree, his eyes drifting closed. “His name means hurricane. It was as if it were made for him. He was the definition of a storm, passionate, volatile, strong, uncontrollable, able to move mountains if he put his mind to it. He was young, but even I struggled to rein him in.” His eyes flickered open to gaze on me, a slight smile teasing at the corners of his lips. “In a way, you remind me of him. Reckless and stupid, the lot of you. But I loved him like a brother, and I took care of him the best I could. He was not what you would expect, given his purpose.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, Coren was… kind. He was kind and caring. Fiercely loyal to his fellow darksides. Willing to fight and risk his life for each and every one of us if it guaranteed our safety. He didn’t hate anyone, not even the lights. At least, not at first.” Dee’s expression darkened slightly.

“What happened to Hatred? Why did he fade?” I asked, my voice barely a whisper.

“It was my fault.” The light in Dee’s eyes went out. “I wasn’t thinking. I should have known he would have rushed into danger. I should have kept it to myself.”

“What do you mean? Pops, please talk to me. I’m sure it wasn’t your fault.”

His breath caught in his throat. “I rushed home from the Lightside one day in tears. This was… before. Before the lights and darks hated each other. Before everything went wrong. I had an argument with… Morality… and well, I was very upset about it. I ran to Jeal because he was always able to help me calm down and think rationally, and Hatred was there. He saw how upset I was, and when he heard what had happened, he exploded into a rage. He rushed to the Lightside before I could stop him. I tried to go after him, but I was too late. He got into a fight with Morality on my behalf. The lights and darks were friends no more, left to their own devices with no contact with each other. A few months later, Hatred began to fade, and there was nothing I could do.”

Tears were making tracks down Dee’s cheeks, collecting on his jaw and dripping to the grass below. I reached up and brushed them away, and he looked at me with a start, apparently unaware he had been crying to begin with.

“Pops, that’s not your fault. Hatred made his own choices and you aren’t responsible for that. Don’t blame yourself for what happened to him. You don’t deserve that. And it sounds like he wouldn’t want that for you either.”

He laughed softly, his face twisted into a pained smile. “I know you’re right. That doesn’t make it any less painful. That doesn’t make it any easier to believe.”

Crawling into Dee’s lap, I wrapped my arms around his torso and hugged him tight. “I know. Nobody said it would be easy. But the right thing and the easy thing are rarely the same. That’s how the saying goes, right?”

He returned the hug, chuckling softly. “That sounds about right to me.”

We remained like that for a while, just holding each other in silence. After a while, we got to our feet and began our journey back home. The trip back to the commons was long and quiet, but it didn’t feel stifling. It felt freeing. Having this time alone with only our thoughts for company really let me reflect. 

I felt that I had grown a lot since joining the darksides, maybe not physically, but definitely emotionally. I hadn’t thought about hurting myself in so long. There was the rare episode in which I couldn’t control myself, but those were few and far between, growing even rarer as the weeks went by. I no longer felt the urge to punish myself for mistakes. I no longer felt like I made mistakes. Anything I did that I shouldn’t was not treated as a failure, but as something to adapt to and overcome. No longer was I afraid of messing up and losing my family’s love. I knew now that love was not something that could be won or earned, but something that was freely given. I finally felt comfortable in my own skin, safe and secure in this new home that I had made. I was finally happy, and it was all thanks to Dee and Anx.

I was so grateful for them. They had done so much for me, they had saved my life, and I knew there was no way I could ever repay them. I also knew that they weren’t expecting me to. They loved me. That was why they did what they did. They didn’t expect anything in return. All I could really do was love them in return, and that was all they wanted. Still, I knew that there were things I could work on. I could be a bit easier on Pops with all the rebellious acts and terrifying feats that nearly gave him a heart attack. I could allow Anxiety more time to himself and not pick so many fights with him. And I was willing to work on it. I wanted to be better. And I was going to do it for them.

Deceit and I ended up splitting off a little ways before reaching the commons, I wanted to go visit Jealousy a bit before dinner, and Dee went to check on Anx and make sure his headache had cleared up. We didn’t say much in parting. I think we were both still a little speechless, which was understandable. I reached Jealousy’s door in good time, knocking softly before walking in.

Jealousy was asleep when I walked in, looking the most relaxed he had in the time I had known him, and I decided to forgo disturbing him. Standing by his bed, I found myself studying him, noticing how pale he was, the color that was almost completely drained from his skin. His hair was a silvery white, and even his eyelashes looked white. _He doesn’t have long,_ I noted grimly.

Glancing at the bedside table, I caught sight of a picture frame that I had never truly looked at and picked it up. It was a picture of Jealousy, Wrath, and Hatred together from what must have been years ago. Wrath looked pretty much the same. Hair cut short in a military-esque fashion, leather jacket, worn jeans with holes in the knees, black combat boots, all the usual details in place. The only difference was that he seemed to have a real, genuine smile and even appeared to be laughing, something that should have looked so unnatural on his stoic, serious face, but seemed so natural. 

Jealousy, on the other had, was nearly unrecognizable. His hair was a warm brown that was slicked back in a precise manner, the locks curling at the base of his neck in a style similar to that of a mullet. He was wearing a burnt orange turtleneck sweater with a black winter coat over top, khaki pants, and brown loafers. He had his reading glasses perched on the tip of his nose and appeared to be in the middle of telling a joke, his orange eyes warm and friendly as he gazed slightly away from the camera.

The third figure that I assumed to be Hatred was completely foreign to me, and yet, it felt like I should know him. Perhaps I had felt his spirit at the cemetery. He had hair on the longer side, spiked every which way with hair gel, large black sunglasses that covered his eyes, a grey t-shirt on that allowed his vast array of tattoos to peek out of the sleeves and travel down his arms, black jeans and a pair of black and grey tennis shoes completing his look. He was wearing black fingerless gloves, one of his arms wrapped around Wrath’s waist protectively and the other slung over his brother’s shoulder. He, too, appeared to be caught mid-laugh, the stud in his nose catching the light of the camera flash. They seemed so happy and carefree, it made me feel incredibly sad knowing how this story ended. Hatred dead, Jealousy dying, and Wrath left alone. I hoped that he would join us again for family game night soon. It had been lots of fun getting to know him, and I was sure he would fit right in to our family if he gave us a chance. I didn’t want him to feel alone. It was the worst feeling in the world.

Sighing, I set the frame down before glancing back at Uncle Jeal. Suddenly, the room felt too crowded, the air too stifling, the emotions too strong, and I stepped out into the hallway, shutting the door behind me. _I’ll visit again later, when he’s awake. He needs to rest while he can._ Nodding, feeling good about my plan for the day, I set off to find that pesky brother of mine, determined to spend some quality time together. After all, life was short and time was limited, and I didn’t want to waste a second of my time that I had with him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey everyone! Sorry it's been so long since I posted. I've been crazy busy with school, and I have two other works that I'm trying to keep up with, so I apologize for the delay. I hope this was worth the wait! Just a warning, I didn't proofread this at all. I literally wrote it, copied it, pasted it in AO3, skimmed for red lines under words, then posted it. Sorry! XD I'll go back and edit when it's not 2 o'clock in the morning. Sound like a deal? Anyway, enjoy, and I'll see you in the next chapter! It's gonna be the chapter shit hits the fan and it all goes to hell, so make sure you're emotionally ready for it, okay? Take care of yourselves guys, gals, and non binary pals! Love ya!
> 
> ~Prison


End file.
